Redemption (Forgiven Series) (35 page)

That made me laugh, and before I knew it I was agreeing to her plan. It did sound like a nice idea, to go out and have dinner with a friend. The day passed pretty quickly. Once Angie and I were done class, we headed to Mac’s. I wasn’t sure why she’d chosen that place because, since everything had happened, I’d been a little leery about going there. I made sure we sat on the other side of the restaurant, away from the memories. Away from the day I’d realized I loved Lauren.

We sat down and the waiter quickly arrived to take our drink order. When he walked away, Angie directed all her attention at me. I knew that look. Damn, what was with her and Caleb wanting to rehash all of this bullshit?

“Josh, tell me what you and Caleb talked about last night.”

“What is it with you two wanting to talk about her?” I snapped. “I thought this was supposed to be a getaway night.”

She reached out and put her hand on mine. “We’re worried about you, and bottling it all up is not going to help.”

My eyes snapped to hers. “So you and Caleb really want to hear about how the girl of my dreams ripped my heart out, by doing the one thing I’m not sure I could ever forgive her for?” I practically yelled across the restaurant.

I was sick of this shit, I just wanted to be left alone. That was when I saw Angie’s eyes move to something to my left and, somehow, I knew exactly what I would find when I turned around.

“She’s behind me isn’t she?” I asked in a voice laced with menace.

“Please, Josh,” she begged quietly.

I turned around and there she was, looking like a beautiful angel. A bit sad, but an angel nonetheless. “Hi, Josh,” she said in a small voice filled with nerves.

Turning back, I gave Angie such a look of disgust that she moved back in her chair. “I know you’re mad at me for doing this to you, but you left me with no choice. Just listen to what she has to say,” she said, standing up and walking away from the table. Lauren moved around to Angie’s seat and sat down. She looked beautiful. All of the weight she’d lost was back, giving her the sexy curves that taunted me in my dreams. Her face had a healthy glow to it, even if her eyes were a bit apprehensive. Who was I kidding? She looked sexy as hell and it was going to take a ton of alcohol to forget this night.

“You know, there was a time when you asked me to give you five minutes when I wanted nothing more than to run out the door. I did, and all I’m asking is for you to do the same for me,” she said nervously, a look of hope in her eyes.

Even though I had no desire to sit there—it was like slicing open an old wound—I nodded my head. I’d give her the five minutes as asked for, then get up, walk out of there, and go drink myself into oblivion. With the look I’d given Angie before she left, I knew she and Caleb wouldn’t be back to the apartment tonight—they knew better.

Lauren took a deep breath and began. “Look , I know I’ve let you down, and you have no reason to trust me, but I also know you love me as much as I love you.”

Well, she was right about that, and it was killing me.

“I can say I’m sorry a million times and it will never make up for what I did.” She stopped to clear her throat before continuing. “When I hurt my shoulder, I only had one goal in mind—get back on the field. I didn’t care how, but I was going to play again. You see, it was the only thing I had that my father hadn’t ruined for me. It was my one place to escape, that is, until I met you.” Her eyes moved up to meet mine, searching for some sign that what she was saying was making a difference.

“I kept pushing and pushing, to the point where it was taking its toll on me, but I found that every time I took the drugs for the pain, I felt more relaxed. So, I decided to take the pills whenever I started to feel anxious. So intent on reaching my goal, I never realized what I was doing to myself. There was always a part of me that was afraid you wouldn’t stay with me, that everything would eventually be too much for you. Then you found out about the drugs and walked out anyway.”

Moving to cover my hand with hers, she thought better of it and pulled it back. “When I woke up in the hospital with you at my bedside, I thought maybe you were going to try and save me again, like you’d done so many times before, because there was no doubt that I definitely needed saving, but I was wrong. You leaving again was like a good cold, hard dose of reality. If I wanted to get through this, I was going to have to redeem myself. So the minute they released me from the hospital, I checked myself into a program, knowing it was the only way to save myself. As much as I wanted to heal myself for you, it wasn’t enough. If I was really going to change,
I
needed to want this too. You see, I also figured out that even though I hadn’t thought my father’s bullshit had affected me, it had. It wasn’t until my coping mechanism was taken away that the problems showed themselves. I’m seeing a counselor to help me overcome the fears of not being loved, especially since I know deep down in my heart that you love me.”

She stopped and sat up a little straighter in her seat, looking nervous as hell. “I know I may not deserve it, but I love you, and I was hoping you’d give me another chance to prove myself to you.”

I listened to every word she said, and the ache in my chest grew with each syllable she spoke. She was right. I loved her with all of my heart, I had from the very beginning, even though I hadn’t seen it at first. But could I really put myself through everything my mother went through? The hurt, or the fear of what might happen next? Could I really believe her?

She was seeing a professional for help. At least it was a step in the right direction.

Shit. I was so confused. I needed to get out of there. This decision couldn’t be made with her sitting across from me, looking so beautiful yet so vulnerable at the same time.

I knew I was being an asshole, but I got up to leave. “I need to get out of here,” I muttered as I turned and walked away.

Again.

The sight of Josh retreating broke me. As the tears started to fall down my cheeks, I knew this was all my fault. When I’d decided to take the pill instead of face the real problem I’d made my choice. But I was trying to change that. I really was.

I lay my head on the table, sobbing. How could I have been so stupid to think that all of my father’s bullshit had had no impact on me? It wasn’t until I’d lost softball, my only way to cope, that the weight of all of his lies and false promises had come crashing down on me.

And now… now I’d lost everything.

So lost in my feelings, I hadn’t realized that Angie had come over and put her arm around my shoulders.

“Come on, honey, let’s get you out of here,” she whispered in my ear.

Unable to lift myself out of my seat due to the sobs raking my body Angie and Caleb each took an arm and helped me to my feet. Barely making it out the door, I stumbled until my legs gave out from under me and I almost hit the ground.

“Caleb!”

I heard Angie’s scream at the same time I felt a strong pair of arms wrap around my waist to secure me.

“Let’s get you home,” Caleb said, placing one arm behind my back and the other one under my knees. He lifted me up into his chest, cradled like a baby. I leaned my head on his shoulder and continued to cry.

Angie brushed the hair out of my face. “We’re going to take you back to your apartment, honey. We’ll stay with you until Morgan gets home,” she said.

My throat had tightened to the point where I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded. Caleb moved towards the parking lot. “I’m so sorry, Lauren. I really thought he would listen,” he apologized. It didn’t matter though because I was passed the point of listening, choosing instead to dwell on all I’d lost as a result of my stupidity.

Suddenly, Caleb came to a stop. I didn’t bother to look up, figuring we were at the car, although I did feel Caleb’s arms tighten on me.

“What do you want?” Angie snapped.

“Give her to me,” a voice whispered, the noise sounding like it was coming through a tunnel. I knew the voice, but I couldn’t place it.

“What, so you can hurt her some more?” Caleb snarled.

Lost in thoughts of how I was ever going to get over him, I barely heard the conversation going on around me. All I wanted was to get back to my apartment, to curl up on my bed and cry.

“I’m not going to hurt her.”

After a few seconds, I found myself being passed from one set of arms to another. “Shh, don’t cry I’m here,” the voice whispered directly in my ear. It was the feel of his body against mine and a masculine scent that had haunted me for weeks that made me realize whose arms I was in. The arms that I had longed for since I watched him walk out my door. My head snapped up to look into the face of the man I thought I’d never see again.

“I’ve got you, Jersey.”

He hadn’t called me Jersey since the night I’d taken the pills. Hearing that name drop from his lips caused me to sob harder. What did he want from me now? I couldn’t take any more heartache.

“Please don’t cry,” he begged, carrying me through the parking lot. Every sense in my body was overloaded and I wasn’t sure how it happened, but Josh placed me in the passenger seat of the car. I tried to get myself under control, but nothing could stop the tears.

Josh got in the driver’s side of the vehicle. He hadn’t said anything more, and I was still trying to figure out what was happening.

Looking over at me, he reached his hand up to wipe the moisture from my face. “Don’t cry. I can’t handle it when you cry. I’m just taking you somewhere we can talk.”

I tried my best to stop, but I had no control. It was like a faucet I couldn’t turn off. The car roared to life and Josh pulled out of the lot. I wasn’t really paying attention to where we were going until he pulled up to Stewart Park. Exiting the car quickly, he came around to my side to open the door. The gesture was so familiar, so wanted, that I froze momentarily when he reached his hand in the car for me to take. “Come on, let’s go talk.”

He led me to the bridge that over looked Fall Creek. Initially, he didn’t say anything, he just walked up and looked over the ledge at the water. After what seemed like hours, he turned to face me. “Do you remember the first time we came here?” he asked, watching me. The sky looked as gloomy as my thoughts, as I tried to understand what we were doing there.

I brushed the tears from my face. “Yeah,” I whispered. “It was the day Em and Andrew got engaged.”

He smiled. “You’re right, it was. But it was also one of our first big fights. Something happened that day while I watched you sit by the water.”

“What happened?” I asked, completely drawn into the conversation.

He took my hands in his, turning me towards him. “While I sat there in the car, I realized that I loved you. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I knew in that moment I’d finally found the person I’d been looking for.”

Josh had never been so open with me before and I couldn’t contain my happiness and my vision blurred. As the rain started to fall, I stood rooted to my spot, afraid to break the spell between us.

“I’m sorry I walked away from you earlier. I just needed a few minutes alone to take everything in.” The rain was starting to get harder as it mixed with the tears running down my face. Josh lifted his hands to cup my cheeks and wipe the moisture away.

“Josh, it’s not—”

He cut me off by placing his fingers over my lips.

“Let me finish, please,” he begged, and his voice held such longing that I immediately clamped my mouth shut.

“Last night, Caleb asked me if I still loved you. But that was never in question, I will
always
love you. The question was, could I be brave enough to stay with you through the good and the bad? That’s what I was doing in the parking lot tonight. Seeing you standing there, looking so beautiful, made me question everything I’ve ever thought about relationships.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “When I saw Caleb carrying you from the restaurant, so broken, I knew it was my fault. I’d brought you to that point, after you’d tried so hard to get well, and it killed me to see that. It was then I realized that all I wanted was to be strong enough to face whatever we had to, together.”

He squeezed my hands. “Jersey, please give me another chance. I promise to never leave you again, especially when you need me.”

The look in his eyes alone could have sent me to my knees. Without any of my earlier hesitation, I jumped into his arms. “Yes,” I squealed, my lips coming down on his as the rain continued to soak us from above. It was everything I’d hoped for when this night had begun. And just like every other time our lips had touched, the fire between us blazed hotter than the sun.

Without breaking the connection of our lips, Josh carried me to the car, his tongue slowly sliding against mine. Our hair was dripping, our clothes soaked, but that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but Josh and I.

When we got to the car, he set me down, quickly opening the door to help me into the car before he ran around the front, ducking the rain, almost as if he’d just only just noticed it was raining.

To my knowledge, he’d never driven back to his apartment so fast. Once there, Josh had me out of the car so fast I’d barely undone my seatbelt, and just like the first time we’d kissed, he pushed me up against the wet car. The kiss seared my blood and, as his tongue slipped between my lips, his hands came around to cup my ass and lift me from the ground to carry me to the apartment. My teeth scraped across his bottom lip, making him groan and pull me tighter to him.