Regrets of The Fallen (Victis Honor Book 1) (59 page)

Haruka looked away, unable to stop the tears from falling. “
This
isn’t… supposed to happen yet, either.”

Isabella laid a hand on her cheek, guiding her gaze back to her own. “We knew… This was never avoidable… This was always going to be the way it ended.” As Haruka began crying Isabella moved closer, squeezing her hand. “Shh… There’s no need to be so sad. I’d always thought I would die alone… I thought I deserved that. I didn’t think anyone would care when I was gone except to say, ‘I’m glad she’s not here’. I envisioned myself collapsing in the dirt and just… fading away.”

She lifted Haruka’s hand, kissing it softly and giving her a genuine smile despite the tears in her own eyes. “You changed all of that, Haruka. I haven’t wanted to die since I met you.”

“I don’t… want you to,” Haruka managed to whisper.

“Neither do I,” Bella said with the best amused smile she could give. “It’s because of you that I want to keep living. But even though I can’t… Haruka… You’ve made this last year of my life the best one I’ve ever lived. You gave me reason to hope, reason to laugh, reason to love, and reason to live. You’ve been my reason for everything. Because of you my life ends here, in the arms of the person I love more than I ever thought I had the ability to.”

Isabella ran her fingers through Haruka’s hair. The woman continued to cry but she kept her eyes on Bella, determined not to miss a moment. “Because of you I no longer believe I deserve death. Because of you… someone cares. You’ve made me
so
happy… This past year has made everything else in my life worth it. All of the pain, all the depression, all the madness, all the tragedy… I’d go through
all
of it again just for another
day
with you. I’m so sorry it has to end this way… I’m sorry I have to leave you alone. I know the pain it will bring you and I wish I could take that away.”

She traced a finger over Haruka’s cheek. “But every day you feel that loneliness… Every day you wake up alone, every day you go to sleep in an empty bed… I want you to remember that you made my life
worth
it. I want you to remember that, wherever I am, you are forever in my thoughts, and my heart. You are
strong
, Haruka. I believe you can get through this like everything else you have overcome. I’m so…
proud
of you. So
truly grateful
I was lucky enough to spend this time with someone so incredible. And I will always…
always
love you.”

Haruka wrapped her arms around her, holding her as tightly as she dared. She wasn’t ashamed as she wept, and Isabella hugged her back with a strength she shouldn’t have. Haruka curled her fingers in her hair, whispering in reply, “I love you… I will never forget you. For the rest of my life you will remain as important to me, the center of my world, as you have always been.” She closed her eyes, shaking.

Isabella smiled as she pulled back enough to look at her, using her thumb to wipe away her tears before she kissed her. “I want you,” she whispered softly, looking into Haruka’s eyes, “to take my sword. Carry it with you so that… at least a part of me will be able to stay at your side.”

Haruka swallowed, not daring to blink as she nodded. “I will.
Always.
I’ll never let you go… I swear it.” Isabella smiled softly and kissed her again, and this time Haruka deepened the kiss before it ended and they stayed there, lying in silence as the final hour passed.

It went far too quickly. Isabella’s breathing slowed and Haruka moved to look at her. Isabella looked weak now, weaker than Haruka had ever seen her, but there was a strength in her grey eyes that burned as brightly as it ever had and seemed as if it would never fade. “I have to… leave you now, Ruki,” she said quietly, trying to sound light-hearted.

Haruka placed a hand on her cheek as if she could keep her there. “Just stay a bit longer… Please…”

Isabella laughed softly, giving her a sad smile. “I wish I could… You have no idea how much… It’s not my choice, though. Even if I was given a thousand years this would still come too soon…” Her eyes closed but she took another breath a few seconds later, forcing them open.

“I love you,” Haruka said in a voice overcome with emotion.

The smile on Isabella’s face was genuine. The happiness was visible in her eyes as her hand weakly clasped Haruka’s. “I love you too… Ruki.”

She managed one more breath, brushing her thumb over Haruka’s hand before her eyes fell closed for the final time. Her fingers gave one last squeeze and then loosened. Haruka watched the last of her life leave her and then, with a shaky hand, pulled her close, burying her face in Isabella’s hair.

And Haruka cried.

“I’m coming to see you now.”

Isabella’s Journal for Haruka Saito, Entry 1: Ruki

Who is Ruki? Well I like to think that her first and most defining attribute is that she’s my wife. After that she’s a hero, a fighter, a monk, an acrobat, a genius, a gentleman, and damn good in bed. And she’s also the type of person that’s going to blush when she reads that last line, which is half the reason I put it in. The other half is that it’s true, but she already knows that, she was there every time, after all.

I know I’m rambling, but this journal is a compilation of myself, and rambling is a thing I do, so it’s going to be in here. Another thing I do is complain, so that’s going to be in here, too. And if there is a god of mercy, Haruka Saito, may he help you if you dare get mud on this journal I’ve worked so hard on. I will come back and haunt you. And don’t try to use that to summon me because I won’t be a friendly ghost or anything, I’ll be some kind of evil, awesome spirit like a poltergeist or something, and I’ll throw things at you. Probably mud. I like irony.

When you’re reading this… which is now… I guess I won’t be there. That really sucks because I would love to watch and see your reactions as you read this, especially to Entry 42 (don’t flip ahead, you’ll get there when you get there. Just, um, make sure Suria or someone doesn’t get their hands on it and read that entry, okay? And oh my god, if Freya sees it she’ll never let it go. I kinda got a little carried away and… Look, just be alone when you read
it, that will make everything easier.) I just realized that my parenthetical statement went on longer than the original sentence, but I never said I was a master of syntax, just of the sword. I tried writing in a journal using a sword, but that just made me have to buy a new journal.

Ruki… I’m being light-hearted about things now, but I’m scared. I’m really scared, but not for me. I’ll have you there until it’s over, but you won’t have me when it is. I would wish it was the other way around, but you’re stronger than me and you can take it. I can imagine how you’re feeling right now – just thinking about losing you makes my heart clench in fear. But I’m not gone – right now, if anything, I am watching you read this, so please… Smile for me? I know it’s hard, and I know you feel more like crying, but I love your smile and I can’t bear to think of it never appearing again. You have to show it, and let others see it, even if it’s just for me.

A lot of times I don’t know what to say, so in this journal I’ve just put down everything I’ve ever felt and experienced; when I was a child, before you, and most importantly, with you. I didn’t hold back anything. I have no secrets from you, Haruka, and I have been more open in this book than I have ever been with myself. Every part of my soul is laid bare within these pages, down to the tiniest details that I never let myself admit. Some parts are not going to be easy to read, because I’ve been through a lot of fear and pain and that is reflected within these pages like everything else, but Haruka, you deserve every part of me, and that is what you have. You have me.

Right now I’m sitting on the bed in our hotel room in the Imperial City. I’m about halfway done with this journal and I’ve written a lot of things that scared me to write, but I just looked up and noticed you smiling at me – you didn’t even know I was going to see it, you were just doing
it. And the way you look at me – and the way your looks make me feel – gives me the courage to do anything. Now you’ve looked back to your book and I’m free to look at you as I often do. I could do so anyway, but I want to study you, to memorize every feature for the thousandth time. You’re so beautiful and you don’t even realize how much. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I look at you and I feel better about myself, because a woman like you wants me.

Just thinking about you makes me smile. Every time you laugh at something I say, I feel like I just won a huge victory. When you catch my hand as a habit you’ve developed, unthinkingly, natural – I feel a thrill run up my spine and I praise my luck another time. And when you kiss me… God, when you kiss me, I can’t think anymore. I lose perception of everything else and your touch becomes like fire, every graze of your fingertips lighting another flame of desire in my core. Sometimes it almost scares me because your eyes can have the same effect, your gaze controlling every facet of my body and forcing me to lose all of my will – but then I remember that it’s you, and I trust you to control me. I know you will never hurt me and you will forever be my protector, even from myself.

You’ve changed everything. Everything. Not a single part of my life is recognizable anymore, and all of it revolves around you. And I can never thank you enough for that, because I used to be in such a dark place – my smiles were fake, my laughs were false, and my path was a lone, resigned walk to a solitary grave. I had given up. I was done. Before I met you, I had nothing left, and I felt empty. But then you came, and you didn’t fill up every empty hole – you made me do it. You brought back parts of me that were long dead, and you revived feelings I had thought I would never experience again, and new ones I’d never experienced before. You gave me something to live for, and something to die for.

I’m not dead now, Ruki. I was dead then, and you brought me back to life. I will forever be alive thanks to you. You have given me a gift of eternal life, one that can’t be taken by the simple passing of my mortal body. I am in your debt, as you are in mine; we are a team, a partnership. We are the joining of two souls meant for each other, crossing at the end of my days, but with enough time to make the rest of those days paradise.

If there is no paradise on the other side, Ruki, I can accept that, because I found it here, in you. I love you more than I can express, and I hope you can feel it every time I look at you, as I can when you look at me. I hope this journal eases your pain; I hope it helps you to feel me still with you, holding your hand. If I cannot remain with you here, then let this be enough – I love you, Haruka Saito, and that will never, ever change.

IXH

Twenty-One Years Later – 3250 AF

A woman stood before a small grave as the wind whipped her brown hair around her. She reached out and touched the old, worn stone, tracing a finger over the letters inscribed on the front. There wasn’t a year that had gone by that she hadn’t visited this place several times.

She stood before the grave alone, as she always was when she came. She had students, she had friends, but there was no one she was willing to share this with. They heard all the stories, though, of the blue-haired knight that proved redemption was possible. They heard the stories of her infectious laughter, of her childish side, of her defeating her fear, of her strength and her courage and her life.

Haruka knelt before the cold stone, feeling the tears fall as they always did. She was there for another purpose now, a different one from all the times before. Haruka had never given up
the life she’d led with Isabella; she’d continued fighting for a better future, for the protection of good people. It had finally caught up to her and her injuries were finally beyond the ability to heal.

She hadn’t tried to have it happen. Isabella would never forgive her for giving up her life. But still her time had come; she’d said her goodbyes to everyone that mattered, and told them they would not be seeing her again. With a small knife she began chipping at the stone, carving out four letters. After several minutes the stone bore two names; “Isabella Enyo” and “Ruki”.

She tossed the knife aside, having no use for it anymore. She turned around slowly, easing herself to sit down leaning back against the gravestone. Beside her she thrust the sword, Mercy, into the earth – a weapon she had carried with her for the past two decades. Next to it she laid a porcelain mask she would no longer need. She smiled softly as she looked up at the cloudy sky. “Always rain, with you… I think you have some sort of control over the weather. Always trying to match it to the mood.”

Haruka leaned her head back against the stone as her breathing grew more labored, watching the clouds drift by. “Are you waiting for me, Bella…? I’ve always felt you were. Wherever you are, I’ve felt your disapproving stare when I made the wrong decisions, seen your smile of pride when I made the right ones. I’ve felt your support every day. But…”

She sighed, shifting a little. “It’s just not enough. I’ve been… so lonely,” she whispered, tears escaping to roll down her cheeks. “I could’ve found someone, maybe, but I never wanted to. I only wanted to find you. Life has been… hard. But I listened to you. I’ve been as strong as I could be, fought as long as I could. And now…”