Release (22 page)

* * *

Now that it was quiet, and Ariana was alone in the dark again, she couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t sleep, but she couldn’t move either. There was a sort of oppressive feeling of fear keeping her glued to her bed, lying on her back. But lying like this made her think of lying on the bed in the cottage, Risciter sneering at her as they waited for Keirth to wake up. She thought that part had been the worst. The dread, knowing that it was going to happen, knowing there was nothing she could do about it.

Disturbingly, more and more of it kept coming back to her. Right afterwards, it had all been a blur, nothing but bright lights and the sound of Risciter’s laughter. But now, she was remembering more and more of it. And as she lay in the bed alone here in this strange space station, she couldn’t think of anything else. She kept replaying it over and over in her head. Risciter taunting her. Risciter touching her. Risciter over her.

And she couldn’t move. She was trapped here, stuck with the memory of it. This was why she’d wanted to lie with Keirth. She had no choice with Risciter. He’d tied her down. He’d laughed when she’d struggled. To Risciter, she hadn’t been anything more than a thing to use. If she could have convinced Keirth to have sex with her, it would have meant she’d controlled it. It would have been an act that balanced, that erased what had happened to her. She thought.

But now, with the events of the previous night—or maybe it was two nights ago, she didn’t know—drilling themselves through her brain, replaying themselves in full color and sound like a vid, she was trapped by them again. And she didn’t think anything would erase them. Not even Keirth, who didn’t want to anyway.

Though she’d embarrassed herself with him before, if she could have moved, she would have. She would have gotten out of her bed and gone searching for his room. She didn’t want to be alone like this.

She tried to move. She nudged one of her legs out over the side of the bed. A jolt of terror shot through her. It was easier to lie here, not moving. And maybe she’d go to sleep soon, if she tried. But that was how Risciter had gotten her. In her sleep. She’d gone to sleep alone and woken up tied to a bed with Risciter’s hands on her body. Maybe she never wanted to sleep again. Or maybe she didn’t want to sleep alone. If she’d been with Keirth, would it have happened?

* * *

Winda woke up when Gordic crawled into bed with her. She rolled over to snuggle up to him. He wrapped her in his arms.

“You awake?” he asked.

“No,” she said. She was sure she’d fall asleep in another minute.

“Transman’s got it bad for that girl he brought along with him.”

Did this matter? “I thought you said you thought he liked men.”

“Well, he doesn’t.”

“Okay,” she said, burrowing deeper into his warmth. “Well, that’s lovely then.” She yawned.

“Apparently, she was raped by Risciter. He said he doesn’t know how to pursue her now. I didn’t know what to say to him.”

Winda sat up in bed. “Raped?”

“Yeah, I guess I should have figured. He said he saved her from the duke.”

“You didn’t tell me that.” He was an idiot, her husband. Sometimes, he was a complete idiot.

“Yeah, I did,” he said. “Anyway, do you have any advice? I mean, after the thing with your sister, maybe?”

But Winda was already getting out of bed and throwing on her dressing gown.

“Where are you going?” Gordic asked.

“My sister couldn’t sleep alone for weeks afterwards,” said Winda. “And we left Ariana alone in that room hours ago. I’ve got to go check on her.” She rushed through the space station to the guest rooms.

* * *

When the door to her bedroom slowly opened, Ariana let out a little yelp.

“Sorry,” said a female voice. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I only wanted to come by and make sure you were all right.”

It was Winda, Gordic’s husband. Ariana didn’t move from the bed. “I’m fine,” she managed.

“Were you sleeping? Did I wake you?”

Ariana wasn’t sure what she should say. “No, I was awake.” She didn’t want to explain that she’d been paralyzed by fear, unable to do anything but replay what had happened to her in her brain.

“Do you want some company? Should I turn on the light?”

“Um, sure.” Actually, that would be nice. Maybe she wouldn’t feel so trapped by all of this.

As light bathed the room, Ariana found she could move. She sat up in bed. The light made her feel a little foolish. Everything seemed better already.

Winda sat down on the bed next to her. “Listen, Keirth told Gordic what Risciter did to you, and Gordic told me.”

“What?!” How dare Keirth do something like that? She didn’t even know these people? Ariana felt hot embarrassment creep up her body and over her face.

“I know,” said Winda. “That’s terribly embarrassing. You don’t want everyone to know. But Gordic and I are friends, and we don’t judge you for it and think less of you at all. It wasn’t your fault, you know.”

Ariana did know. She’d been robbed of having a fault by Risciter. She’d had no choice. She refused to look at Winda.

“When I was sixteen,” Winda said, “my older sister Emeil went to a bar one night. She and I grew up on Trill with our father. Anyway, she came home late, and my father was livid until he saw her. She wouldn’t talk about it for hours, and when we finally got her to tell us what happened, my father was so angry, he left the house with his blaster rifle to try to hunt down the man that did it to her. He found him. He killed him.”

Ariana looked at Winda with horrified eyes.

Winda nodded. “It was terrible. They arrested him, and so I was left at home with my sister, who’d been raped and was completely traumatized by it. My father didn’t end up serving much time after his trial, but I couldn’t get him out of the jail myself, not before the trial. So I did my best to comfort Emeil. She hated the dark. And she hated being alone. And when Gordic told me what happened, and I thought that I’d left you alone in this room, in the dark, I just couldn’t—”

Ariana put her hand on Winda’s. “Thank you. I was...I was scared.”

Winda wiped tears out of her eyes.”You don’t have to talk about it.”

“It seems like it’s getting worse,” Ariana said. “Right afterwards, I thought I was fine. I couldn’t remember it very well. And Risciter was only... He only did it for a few seconds before Keirth stopped him. But now, more and more of it keeps coming back to me, and I feel like I can’t think about anything else.”

“Of course, you can’t,” said Winda. “You don’t have to sleep in here if you don’t want. You and I could sleep in the living room. Or if you want me to get Keirth—”

“I don’t want you to go to any trouble for me,” said Ariana. “I’ll be fine. Risciter’s dead.” She thought of his dead, mangled body. “He can’t hurt me again.” If she could keep the light on, maybe she could chase it all away. She couldn’t spend the rest of her life afraid, could she? “It wasn’t as bad for me as it was for your sister. It was only a minute. It was less than...” But Ariana found herself suddenly dissolving into tears.

Winda was hugging her, wiping tears away from her own eyes, and Ariana sobbed against her. She hadn’t cried since it happened, had she? It was good to let it all out, to let it go.

Keirth appeared in the doorway to her bedroom. “Is everything okay?”

Ariana looked up from Winda’s shoulder, trying to get her sobs under control.

“Did we wake you?” Winda asked.

“No,” said Keirth. He was across the room in a second, kneeling next to Ariana. “What’s wrong?”

Winda rolled her eyes. “What do you think is wrong?”

Keirth looked at the blanket on Ariana’s bed dully. “I wasn’t quick enough,” he muttered. “He killed them all, and he almost killed you.”

Ariana touched Keirth’s cheek. He couldn’t blame himself. “Keirth, you saved me. I needed you to save me. Without you...”

He gazed up into her eyes. His voice was soft. “Don’t be ridiculous, Ariana. You fought him off before. You saved me from the gellococcus. It was your brilliant ideas that made things work out on Trioth. You’ve never needed me.”

Maybe he was right. Sort of right, anyway. She hadn’t done too badly. “But I messed up the hyperdrive. And I wasn’t going to fight him off that time. I couldn’t. He had me tied down. I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t do anything. I had to let him do whatever he wanted. I did need you then.”

“If only I’d been quicker.” He shook his head.

“If only I’d hit him harder on Kush,” Ariana said, her voice growing fierce.

Keirth smiled a little. He was still staring into her eyes.

Ariana felt Winda’s weight leave the bed. “Maybe I’ll leave you two alone,” she said, sliding out of the room.

“He’s dead now, though,” said Ariana. “That’s what matters, right? Not how long it took or what we could have done better. And we survived.” And, she thought in wonder, it wasn’t all down to Keirth that they’d survived. She’d helped too. “We survived together.”

He nodded. “We did.”

And their lips came together like magnets. There was none of the desperation of the kiss back on Scranth. It was sweet and comforting. Keirth’s lips were soft and yielding against hers. They broke away from each other slowly, their faces lingering close.

Keirth’s voice was in her ear. “Ariana, you don’t belong with someone like me. After everything you’ve been through—”

She cut him off. “After everything I’ve been through, who else could I belong with?”

He kissed her again.

And they slept, only slept, together in her bed, Keirth’s burly arms wrapped tightly around her. Encircled by him, she felt safe and protected. She fell asleep easily, no thoughts of Risciter troubling her. And she didn’t dream.

Chapter Fourteen

None of them got out of bed until late the next day, when Gordic announced that because they were all hung over, they should spend the day watching vids and eating leftovers. This was fine with Keirth, who still felt slightly bewildered at the way things had turned out the night before. He certainly hadn’t gone into Ariana’s room with the intention of kissing her. Her crying had simply ignited his danger reflex. He’d gone to make sure she was safe. Which was important to him, he realized. Her safety.

Then, somehow, he’d spent the night holding her. That had been nice, actually. Quite nice. He liked the way her small body fit against his. He liked being close to her. Keirth didn’t think he’d spent such a long time being that close to another human being since he was a kid. But he wasn’t sure what he’d done, exactly. He hadn’t compromised her virtue or anything, but he felt like there had been some kind of promise in what he’d done, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to make that promise.

Now that he wasn’t pursuing revenge, he didn’t know what he wanted to do. However, even though Gordic and Winda seemed very happy together, he didn’t know if he could live the way they lived. Keirth had spent most of his life on the move, never staying in one place for too long. He didn’t know if he wanted to give that up. And he worried that whatever he’d done with Ariana meant that he had somehow promised her he would.

Keirth wanted to get Gordic alone, to ask him more questions, like he had the night before, but the opportunity never presented itself. They really did spend the whole day watching vids—all sprawled out on couches in Gordic’s and Winda’s living room. Gordic and Winda went to bed earlier than Keirth and Ariana, leaving the two of them to sort out their sleeping arrangements.

When the vid they’d been watching ended, Keirth and Ariana sat awkwardly on the couch, staring at the blank screen. Neither said anything for a long time.

Finally, Keirth just blurted it out. “I don’t know if I want to live in one place like this.”

Ariana seemed startled and confused by his words. “Like Gordic and Winda do?”

“Yes,” said Keirth. “I’ve always been on the move. I like that.” He found himself glaring at her, as if daring her to contradict him or force him to do something different.

But Ariana shrugged. “Well, I agree with you. My family had different estates on different planets, and staying in one place, when you’ve got the whole galaxy at your fingertips, seems kind of silly.”

He let out a breath. She didn’t want to tie him to one place, did she? Well... Keirth felt himself deflating. All his worry was for nothing, in other words. He stood up from the couch. “Would you like me to stay with you again tonight?”

She nodded.

And soon they were tucked under the covers together again. She was in his arms, and she felt impossibly soft and impossibly fragile. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever wanted to keep someone safe quite so much, if he’d ever enjoyed being close to someone so much. “We’d need to make money somehow,” he whispered into her hair.

“When?” she asked.

“While we’re traveling the galaxy,” he said.

She wriggled in his arms to face him. “You want me with you?”

“Would I be sleeping in your bed and kissing you if I didn’t want you with me?”

“Possibly,” said Ariana quietly.

And he squeezed her tighter. “I am not one of those men.”

“How did you make money before?”

“Different things,” said Keirth. “Smuggling. Odd jobs.”

“I think we should be smugglers,” pronounced Ariana. “The stories you and Gordic were telling sounded exciting.”

“Exciting, but dangerous,” said Keirth.

“That seems to be the way things work for us,” she said.

He laughed and kissed her again. “Let’s think about some other options before we become criminals.”

“We already are criminals. Aren’t we?”

She was right, of course. They were quiet for several minutes.

Then Ariana spoke up. “If we’re going to be together, do you want to make love now?”

And Keirth felt himself pulling away.

“It’s just that you’re sort of...poking me, and I thought...”

Yes, being close to her aroused him. But... “Not yet.”

“Because you’re worried about me being confused?”

“Because...” he floundered. The thought of having intercourse with any woman, even Ariana, terrified him. He wasn’t sure what to do, for one thing, and he felt that his brush with Risciter was recent in his memory. He flashed on the man with Ariana, and his erection immediately disappeared. He squeezed his eyes shut, banishing the image. He pulled Ariana close and kissed her forehead. “When it’s time for us to make love,” he said, “we’ll know.”