Santa Claus

Table of Contents

 

 

 

NEWS

 

 

For centuries children have written letters at Christmas-time. Whether addressed to Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, or any of a dozen other names, they were all meant for one magical figure who lives at the North Pole. Within these letters children poured out their hopes and dreams, their wishes and wants, their questions and concerns. On Christmas morning they would wake to find if these requests had been honored. And it was the
only
way to know if their letters had actually been read.

 

Until now.

 

No one quite knows why it happened, or what may have made the old man crack, but shortly after Christmas, letters began arriving for these kids. First just one, and then a few scattered more, and then a flood of them began appearing all across the world. For the first time ever, Santa was writing back.

 

And clearly he had an awful lot to say.…

Dear Santa,

I really want some pink ballet slippers so that I can dance really good in my ballet recital. Everyone else has new slippers and mine are all beat up, plus they're black because they are hand-me-downs from my sister. My mom thinks I don't need new ones, so I thought I'd ask you for them.

I always do my homework. Plus, my friend Amanda told me you didn't exist, but I didn't believe her, so I am really loyal. I would like those ballet slippers so I hope you think about all the good stuff I did this year. Say hi to Mrs. Clause for me.

From,
Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

 

First of all, it's dance really
well
—not that you're likely to ever do so. To dance well requires talent, not new ballet shoes. Your mother has recognized your complete lack of ability and that's the real reason she hasn't gotten you new slippers. I would be remiss in superseding her authority in this regard.

I encourage you to continue to do your homework, particularly math, as you are destined to become a mid-level tax accountant, not a prima ballerina with the New York City Ballet. And your friend Amanda may know more than you think. Blind faith won't get you anything other than 4-5 years in a minimum security correctional facility for tax fraud when you're 43. It will come as a result of being “really loyal” to your boss when his accounting shell game is finally exposed.

 

 

 

Ho Ho Ho
SANTA

Dear Santa,

 

This year, I have been a very good girl. I have done a few bad things, but I help my mommy with the dishes all the time. And I always say thank you, and so I deserve lots of presents this year!

Please bring all of these things for me this Christmas because I am planning on leaving you milk and cookies on the table. I would like all of the Harry Potter sheets, action figures and movies. Please don't forget to bring a bicycle with pink ribbons and a basket too. If you can only bring one thing, please bring a puppy—mom and dad won't mind.

 

P.S. My little sister has not been very good this year because she broke my headbands and pinched me, so if you need extra room in your sleigh you can put my stuff in instead of hers.

 

Thanks Santa!

 

Love,
Andra

Dear Andra,

 

A
few
bad things?! I think you seriously underestimate either your behavior or my intelligence. I'm used to kids trying to sell out their siblings, but rarely do they sink so low as to attribute to them the misdeeds that they themselves are guilty of. We both know that
you
in fact are the one who broke your sister's headbands and then pinched her when she tried to tell your mother. This despicable tactic may be useful for a politician, but you're not running for anything here other than gift recipient.

Which brings me to your wish list. I'm sick and tired of
Harry Potter
, and I don't just mean lugging the heavy things around. In case you haven't noticed, it's the same damn story, book after book after book. Who cares if the ancillary stuff is inventive when the plots themselves suck?! The bookstores are filled with thousands of other books, almost all of which are better written than any Harry Potter title. Personally, I would recommend a series entitled
The Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Boy
. They're just as much fun, and will also show you how not to be such a sucker. Try reading some of them. Oh, wait. That's right, they don't come with matching sheets!!

 

 

 

Grow up,
SANTA

Dear Santa,

 

My big sister told me that you can see everything that goes on from the North Pole. That means that you can tell whether all the boys and girls in the whole world have been good or bad. I am writing you this letter to remind you that I have been very good this year. I just wanted to let you know in case you missed me because I am so small. I would really like to see your reindeer and give them some carrots, but I know you visit when I am asleep. So I wanted to help you out this year and tell you what I might like. I would really like some dolls and a new tea cup set. I also like stuffed animals, cats are my favorite. Merry Christmas Santa, see you soon.

 

Love,
Marisol, age 6

 

P.S.. keep an eye on my sister, she steals cookies!!

Dear Marisol,

 

You had me all the way through your letter, but then you went and blew it at the very end by ratting out your sister. What kind of a traitor are you? I know full well what your sister is capable of, but up until now, I never suspected how small and petty you could be. It saddens me that the lovely Wedgwood Tiny Tea Service I had set aside for you, and the giant-size stuffed Simba we've been working to complete for months will now be going to someone far more deserving.

Perhaps your sister.

 

 

 

Cheers!
SANTA