Santa Claus (8 page)

Dear Franck,

 

 

 

I'm sorry. It's just too easy.

SANTA

Dear Santa,

I ‘m going to leave you some cookies my dad got at work and didn't want. The puppy you got me peed on my bed again. Try to do better next year.

Jessica Cehlar-Morrison

Dear Jessica,

 

I know your parents always tell you to be honest, but, frankly, there is such a thing as being too truthful. People don't respond to comments like those you sent me by saying to themselves: “Oh, what an honest little girl she is!” No, what they say is: “Do you think Jessica is really that repulsive, or is she just too stupid to know better?” In fact that's exactly what I've asked myself, and sadly, the answer I settled on is that Jessica really is that repulsive. So this year, instead of toys or a puppy that doesn't pee, I'm going to be bringing you something far more precious. It's called tact. I hope you make the most of it.

 

 

 

Keep the cookies,

SANTA

Dear Santa,

Please don't be mad but my Grandpa hit one of your reindeer with his car last night and even though he said it hurt his car more than his car hurt it I don't think it'll be good in time for Christmas Eve. My dad said you can borrow our dog Stinker if you need to because she's as big as a horse. I don't think Stinker can fly but she'll try her best.

Sorry.

Sam

Dear Sam,

 

Don't worry. You're grandpa didn't hit one of my reindeer. Unfortunately, he did hit a jogger—despite his claim that it was a deer. I'm afraid the police will trace the incident to him by early Christmas morning. Just as you're all opening the gifts I've left for you, they'll arrive to arrest him for manslaughter.

 

 

 

Enjoy the presents!

SANTA

Hey Santa,

This is my first time writing to you in the seven years that I've been alive. Dad says it's time to be a big girl and write my own letters instead of telling him what to write.

I want to start off by saying that this year, even though it was one of the hardest years for me, I was so good. It's so hard to be good, but in the end, I think it's all worth it. Me and my brother didn't fight that many times, but when we did, it was nothing too big. He fought with me once because I ate the last fruit roll-up. He hit me and then my mom grounded him. I tried to start a fight with him once, but then he told my mom and then I got grounded; that was really the only time I did anything wrong. Nothing else really happened that was big during this year. My oldest sister went off to college so she hasn't been around. I saw her a week ago for thanksgiving, but she wasn't around that much, she was too busy running around with her boyfriend. She comes home again in three weeks for a really long winter break, and to spend Christmas with us, so I'm really excited. She's my favorite sister in the whole world, and she always gives me anything I want. I don't think I could ask for a better sister.

Moving onto Christmas, I really hope you can bring me everything I ask for. I know it's a lot, so if
you can't deliver everything in one night, then I'll understand a little bit. The first thing I want are a lot of Barbies. I love Barbies. They're my favorite doll to play with. When I get older, I want to look and act just like her! At night, when I'm sleeping, all I dream about is Barbie. Everything about her is perfect, and I want to be just like her!

The other thing I would like to ask for are a lot of Webkinz. You know, those animal internet-talking pets? They're so cool. I think they're the best thing that has ever happened to my computer. I have the dog, the frog, the pig, and the moose, so if you see any other ones that I don't have, I would love them! I trust anything you chose for me. I think I would like either 2 or 3 just so my other Webkinz have other friends to play with!

The other thing I would like to ask for is the Barbie dream car, and the Barbie dream house… I told you, I'm in love with Barbie. The Barbie dream car is so so so cool. It has automatic driving, so I don't even have to do anything but be inside of the car, and it's also very safe. My older sister even thinks it's cool, so that says something. The Barbie dream house is for Barbie. She needs to move because she says her other house is getting to small, so this house is the perfect size for her. There's nothing else really that I want on Christmas. I hope you can bring it to me. I will
leave some cookies and milk out for you like I always do, and if you don't eat them, it's okay because maybe your reindeer will get hungry. I'll leave an extra glass of milk out for them too.

I hope you don't get too tired delivering all the presents to all the other girls and boys. Good Luck! Love you,

—Emma—

Dear Emma,

 

You're one of those talkative kids, aren't you?

 

 

 

Try listening occasionally,

SANTA

Dear Santa,

I already sent you my Christmas List, but I just thought about something really important and wanted to ask you a question. Can you please include the receipts with my presents? Last year, you made a couple of mistakes (I wanted an X-Box, and you gave me a Nintendo instead) and it would be really convenient if the receipts were included so I can exchange the presents I don't like.

Thank you, Santa,
your friend,
jason

Dear Jason,

 

I'm afraid you've made the fundamental mistake of assuming my gifts are returnable and that I offer “receipts” for them. First of all, where do you propose to return these gifts? I doubt very much that Best Buy is going to honor a receipt from me even if I were to provide you with one. That would leave you in the position of having to haul your ass all the way to the North Pole to make the exchange. Practical? Not really. But if you want to give it a shot, I'll be happy to honor your request if you manage to survive the journey.

 

 

 

Dress Warmly!

SANTA

Dear Santa,

My mom and dad told me I'm spoiled and that I should think about the poor kids in Indiana because they don't have any toys and I should be thankful because I have toys and Food and a nice house and they told me I should give all my presents to the poor children in Indiana but I don't think that's Fair so maybe you could just bring me the toys From my list and give those kids all my old toys. Can you do that Santa?

Sin Celry
Chris eck

Dear Chris,

 

While I agree that we should all feel sympathy for any child born in Indiana, I believe your mother actually said India—unless she didn't, in which case she's probably a moron. In any case, don't feel bad for the “poor” children of India. While their standard of living is still far below that of the “developed” world, they are catching up rapidly. By about the start of your second marriage (it will fail, too) India will have surpassed the United States in wealth and standard of living. You see, while all you Americans sit around complimenting yourselves about being number one, the people of India are actually educating themselves in real courses such as Microbiology and Quantum Physics—as opposed to made-up subjects like Creation Science and Hip Hop Culture. But don't worry, even as your standard of living slides inexorably toward the gutter, you'll still think you're number one—even if you don't know the difference between India and Indiana.

 

 

 

Thanks for caring!

SANTA

Dear santa,

Thank you for the presents that you gave me last year. How many elves do you think you have in your workshop? About 116,000? I don't know. Do you know what people are doing right now? sorry for all the bad things I have done. What kinds of cookies does Mrs. Claus bake? I hope she bakes some chocolate chip cookies. I absolutely love them! Again thank you for the presents!