Santa Claus (3 page)

Dear Lane,

 

Consider this as a bonus tip from me. When sending a letter asking for free stuff, it pays to spell my name right—unless you really were trying to contact Tim Allen. (Depending on the outcome of my trademark infringement case against him and the Walt Disney Company, you may not do so well going down that route.) But let me continue on to the heart of your letter.

You truly are delusional.

I know you honestly believe that the good deeds you rattled off represent your behavior for the entire past year, rather than the activities that occurred during the two hours leading up to the writing of this letter. Two hours of good behavior hardly justifies a new Playstation, let alone a trip to Disney World!! It does justify a copy of the Spider-man edition of Monopoly, though, which combines two of your requests into a single crappy gift. You've earned it!

 

 

 

Your pal,

SANTA

Dear Santa,

I'm sorry. I can explain.

-Your BIGGEST fan
Adele, third grade

Dear Adele,

 

Yes. I know you can. However, you might as well save your breath because I'm not buying it. And just so you know, it wasn't the fact that you stole the little baby Jesus figure from the nativity scene in front of your church and replaced it with a two-liter bottle of Sprite. I actually thought that was pretty funny. And it wasn't even the prank with your father's glue gun and your mother's diaphragm. What finished things off as far as you and I are concerned was the incident you caused when you told the little Pakistani girl in your class that when I come down the chimney of a house and find it occupied with non-Christians, I systematically execute everyone I find living there. Really now. What do you think it costs me in public relations dollars to neutralize that kind of slander? A lifetime of presents for my BIGGEST fan doesn't even come close to covering it…But it's a start.

 

 

 

Dare to Dream!

SANTA

Dear Santa,

 

Can I have a new soccer jersey? All summer I liked to watch the soccer players in the World Cup and I think it would be really cool to have a jersey just like the pros. I like Arsenal and also PSG cuz the players can do awesome moves. I play soccer all the time, plus now I am on the A-team at my school, and that means I'm pretty good. All the other guys on my team have jerseys from real teams and I want one to wear at practice. My coach likes it when we wear teams from England, where he is from. He calls soccer football but it's the same sport. Anyway, I bet lots of kids want jerseys, so I'll let you choose what team, as long as they're not bad.

Oh and my sister wants a tea set but she broke her arm so she can't write you a letter.

Thanks and Merry Christmas!
From,
Shamus, 9

Dear Shamus,

 

Maybe you should try a little honesty. Your sister didn't break her arm. YOU did when you attempted a mid-air karate kick against the Troll doll she was cradling in a bizarre attempt at nursing the thing. Her unintentionally hilarious action in no way justifies yours.

But I would expect nothing less from someone who is fascinated by soccer, or football, or whatever you want to call it. If there's been a more tedious and boring game invented, I don't know what it is. I travel everywhere (except to those nutcase Islamic countries) and it's quite clear to me that there's a direct correlation between the popularity of soccer and where that country falls on the sliding-shithole scale. It's no coincidence that the sport's popularity in your country has increased dramatically during the presidency of George W. Bush.

You can tell your sister she'll be receiving her tea set. You, however, will be getting nothing.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas!

SANTA

DEAR SANTA (NORTH POLE),

 

MY BIG BROTHER TOMMY SAYS YOUR NOT REAL, BUT I DON'T BELEEVE HIM. I THINK YOUR REAL. WE HAVE TO PROVE HIM WRONG, SO THIS YEAR I'M SENDING YOU MY REAL CHRISTMAS LIST, AND GIVING A DIFFERENT ONE FOR MY PARENTS TO GIVE TO YOU. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. MINE IS THE REAL LIST. THIS WAY I'LL TELL TOMMY LATER AND HE WILL BE WRONG. THANK YOU, I BEEN A GOOD BOY THIS YEAR, HERES WHAT I WANT.

 

 

THANK YOU,
BAXTER

 

PS REMEMBER, THIS IS THE RIGHT LIST. THE LIST FROM EDDIE AND LAURA STEVENS IS FAKE, SO I CAN SHOW TOMMY YOUR REAL.

Dear Baxter,

 

Well, you certainly are a devious little shit. It's too bad your “real” list wasn't as well thought out as your sneaky plan. I hope you enjoy the following gifts I'll be bringing you:

 

 

 

Hope they don't suck!

SANTA

Dear Santa (North Pol),

 

My momy says its taking me a reel long time to think of my Chrismas list, but its cuz / got a suprise that only you no about Santa. My momy will male this letter to you cuz I am at skool when the post offise iz open (hint hint). I been very good this yeer, so I think I shud get lots of pressents. Heer iz what I want, I hope you like momys cookees.

 

Your Friend,
Justin

PS Do you bemember me Santa? My name iz Justin.

Dear Justin,

 

Of course I remember you. You've been writing to me for fifteen years now, and frankly, the acting like you're a small child gig is really beginning to border on the creepy. For the first few years, I just assumed you were an average, cute little kid just learning to write and spell. I got increasingly concerned as the years went by, however, and began to think you must have a slight mental handicap. That misconception was cleared up when I realized you were being home-schooled by your mother in your Little Rock trailer home. For the six or seven years that followed, I watched with curiosity to see when (or if) your mother would ever teach you to spell correctly. I was also fascinated to see just when she was finally going to stop bathing you. And here we are nearing your twentieth birthday and neither event has yet occurred. In that same way that even the most humiliating clips on You Tube eventually just become boring, I think I've finally seen enough. But I would like to thank you for this little peek at an average Arkansas family. I'm at last beginning to understand how the Clintons were able to initially get themselves elected.

 

 

 

Keep lurning,

SANTA

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good girl this year. I helped my little sister learn her a BCA and I helped Mommy set the dinner table every night! Mommy and Daddy say that you only visit good boys and girls so I have been trying very hard to be good.

I think I have done a good job. I hope that I am on the nice list and not on the naughty list. If I am on the nice list, I would like a new doll with curly brown hair, just like me. If I am on the naughty list I will try to be more good I promise. If I am on the very good list, I would like a heart necklace like the one Daddy gave Mommy. If I am not on the very good list, I will try to be

 

even more good I really promise. also, if I am on the very very good list, I would like a pair of ice skates too so Daddy and I can go skating on the pond. My little sister is too small for skating, so please don't give her skates too. Some things are just for big girls like me. If I am not on the very very good list I promise I will try to be good!

On Christmas Eve I will leave you my favorite oatmeal cookies that Mommy helps me make and milk that Daddy helps me pour. I hope you like it! Merry Christmas and stay warm Santa!

Love,
Beth 6