Santa Claus (11 page)

I have another joke for you: what did one reindeer say to the other reindeer? Sure does smell around here! Hahahahahaha!

Bye,
Declan

Dear Declan,

 

Your attempt to be gangsta would merely be tiresome if you were actually black. The fact that you're a pasty-faced white kid just makes it laughable. And it's clearly the only laugh you'll get based on your joke-telling ability.

You do bring up a good point about global warming, though, and what that means for me. Your mother is right, and you father is obviously a douche bag, or a Republican (or most likely, both). He would only need to look at a map to see why I'm concerned. There is no LAND at the North Pole! If the ice melts, my whole operation sinks into the Arctic Ocean. Thankfully, I'm prepared. A fallback facility is currently under construction at the South Pole, even as we speak. But don't you worry. Just keep playing your car theft games even as the water creeps up to your knees.

 

 

 

Hope you can swim!

SANTA

PS: And despite all the negative accusations I can make about my former elves, the clubbing of seals is not one of them. That would have required effort on their part.

Dear Santa,

How are you and Mrs. Santa and Rudolph? I have been good - well, most of the time anyway. I would like it a lot if you could come to my house on Christmas Eve and bring with you a bus and an ambulance and a truck and a train and some legos and a Frosty the Snowman toy and a new toothbrush. Also, can you bring my brother, Joshua, a pillowcase filled with money?

Thanks very much. I'll look for you on Christmas Eve and leave you cookies.

Love,
Baz (Sebastian)

Dear Baz,

 

Just how much do you think I can fit into my bag, for Chrissakes? While I know the obvious thing would be to assume you meant a TOY bus, ambulance, truck and train, I know that you actually expect working, full-size vehicles. Well, that's not going to happen. Your brother is being far more practical in asking for a pillowcase filled with money. Not that that's going to happen either. I used to bring kids cash, which I printed myself, until I fell afoul of the international crime bureaus of any number of countries. Scotland Yard came close to almost launching a full-scale assault on the North Pole. Well, I learned my lesson, by gum. Now I just slip my counterfeit pounds, euros, pesos and dollars into the world's economy in small untraceable amounts. My condo in the Caymans is a perfect location for both some much needed off-season R&R and an ideal place to infuse capital into my operation.

Of course now that I've told you all of this, I'm afraid I'll have to eliminate you.

 

 

 

Ha ha! Just kidding.

SANTA

Dear (and I use that term loosely) Santa,

It is now clear to me that you are a rightwing nutcracker who is not at all interested in world peace, since I have been ASKING you for world peace for almost forty years. Every single time someone asks you to fulfill some materialistic whim, you're down that chimney in a heartbeat. For the love of God, just how many iPod Nano's does this world need? But when people ask for the real things- an end to global warming, war, poverty, and injustice-you're dancing on the roof with that violinist or I don't know what.

You're nothing but a shill for product placement-some company even provides your wardrobe. If you bring me one more gift card for a store I would rather burn to the ground than shop in, you'll find it placed where not even coal could bring forth light.

Sincerely,
Nancy

Dear Nancy,

 

I am neither rightwing, nor leftwing. What I am is anti-authority. For the last eight years I have been against your country's Republican party, which has proven itself to be base, profligate, venal, criminal, arrogant, evil, corrupt and yet still utterly incompetent. This previously unimaginable combination of adjectives has set a standard so repulsively low, that it will be centuries before another administration comes close to matching it. Sadly, as the pendulum swings toward your Democratic party, I'll soon be repulsed by the return to a whiny, self-righteous, micro-managing attempt at regulating every aspect of life.

Which brings me to your letter. Has it ever occurred to you that I bring people iPod Nanos and not world peace because the first is within my power and the second is not? In the fairy tale world you see yourself inhabiting, where everybody watches solar-powered public television and wipes their ass with leaves, I guarantee it's only a matter of time before you begin fighting amongst yourselves over how to handle the exploding population of disease-ridden deer that have now inundated your hippy-dippy vegan society.

Human civilization continues to advance because people are inherently dissatisfied. From dissatisfaction springs progress in science and medicine, and every other aspect of life. Unfortunately, this same characteristic generates greed, war and injustice. The same human trait that strives to develop pollution-free energy also strives to racially purify Darfur. It's ultimately
your
job to encourage the positive aspect of this trait while discouraging the negative. So get off your self-righteous ass and stop laying this one at my doorstep.

 

Talk is cheap,

 

SANTA

Dear Father Christmas,

I want just ONE thing. Each year you bring me lots and lots of Leeds United stuff, which I really am thankful for, but then you never let my team actually win. This year you don't have to bring me any footballs or shirts or pennants or posters or anything with my team's name on it. All I want this year is for you to let Leeds United win.

Signed
Neville

Dear Neville,

 

Honestly, I have no control over which teams actually win. If I did, I would have made a fortune betting on them over the years, and wouldn't be breaking my back hauling toys around every Christmas. Whatever power granted me the ability to see much of the future, and to know who is naughty and nice, appears to have played a cruel joke by not allowing me to see anything that I could potentially gamble on. And frankly, the sad truth is that Leeds United is bloody awful and will be for the foreseeable future. I don't need a crystal ball to see that.

On the other hand, you could consider moving to Manchester.

 

Keep the faith!

 

FATHER CHRISTMAS

Dear Santa Claus,

 

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. I Know your faKe, everyone at school Knows you're fake. How come nobody ever sees you? I always try to stay awake, but I never seen you. How come you never eat all the cookies my mom maKes? How come I never get everything I want from you? I don't thinK that raindeer can fly. And you can't fit down my chimney. Haley dosent have a chimney. Britney Knows the tooth fairy is faKe she saw her dad put money under her pillow. And Danny Knows the easter bunny is faKe because he's jewish. So I'm just gonna give you this stupid letter when your at the mall and you better just give me vampire teeth or else I Know for sure. I been really nice all year.

 

Noah, 10

Dear Noah,

 

I'm not about to spill the beans about the Tooth Fairy—or the Easter Bunny for that matter. (Although I can vouch for him that he is definitely not Jewish. The Jews control Valentine's Day and have lately been muscling in on Arbor Day, but they steer clear of Easter for obvious reasons.) Regardless, I'm glad to see that you and you're friends are already becoming bitter and cynical at the ripe old age of ten. Go right ahead and sap the joy and wonder out of your lives. The sooner you become dull, unimaginative drones, the sooner you can take your places as cogs in the dreary service economy that is taking over your country and sucking the life-blood from your very soul.

I agree that vampire teeth represent the perfect gift for you this year.

 

You suck,

SANTA

© 2008 Santa Enterprises

All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.

Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing
Library of Congress Control Number: 2008927746

eISBN : 978-0-786-74105-2

 

Publisher's Note: Most of the letter-senders' names have been changed to protect the innocent . . . or preserve the illusion for at least another Christmas or two.