Remember Me: Oakville Series:Book Two (19 page)

“Tell me you’re kidding. No woman could be that cold.”

“Believe me, I wish I were kidding. She wanted a life for herself. It almost destroyed Clark from what I’ve been told. He seemed very interested in getting to know you.”

“I would like to get to know him a lot better” She giggles. I knew it. I could tell she had the hots for him. The night they met at the bar there was this chemistry between them. I can’t even explain it, but it just being there, watching them, made you feel like you were intruding on a very private moment.

“Enough about me and my possible but still non-existent love life, tell me about you? How are you doing?”

“How am I doing? How do you think I’m doing? I lay here day after day, scared out of my mind, praying that my babies will survive!” I snap.
Wow! Where the hell did that come from
? “Becky, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I don’t know what came over me,” I apologize, feeling awful for my reaction. Becky moves next to me and smiles.

“Sweetie, it’s no big deal. You’ve been confined to this couch or your bed for months. That alone is enough to make you a little edgy. Factor in being terrified that you could lose something so precious and then the thing that probably eats at you the most, the thing I’m sure you haven’t talked about to anyone.” She just looks at me. Is she waiting for some sort of answer from me? If she is, she’ll be waiting a long time because I have no idea what she’s talking about. The rest of what she said, I can see. I am going crazy. I have to lay down twenty-four seven, only allowed one five minute shower per week, if I need to go to the bathroom more than three times a day, I have to crawl on my hands and knees so I don’t put any more pressure than is necessary on my cervix.

“Okay, I’ll bite. What is this thing that eats at me the most?” I ask with a little too much bite in my voice.

“I bet you are blaming yourself for all of this. Thinking your body is defective so you are to blame for your babies being in danger,” she states, matter of fact. “Am I wrong? I don’t think I am. I’ve been there. Not in the exact position, but very similar. I have blamed myself for something that I know isn’t my fault in my head, but my heart doesn’t follow the same logic. I’m not going to tell you to stop blaming yourself because it’s useless right now; however, I will tell you that no one else, and by no one I mean Kyle, blames you for what’s happening.” I want to believe her about Kyle, but I can’t. The way he’s been acting lately tells me something’s wrong. What else can it be?

“You haven’t seen the way he’s been toward me lately. Something is wrong with him. He just isn’t the same with me as he always has been.”

“That sucks. You both are under more stress than any couple should be. The two of you are always trying to protect each other and in doing so, you keep how you really feel from each other. Maybe you guys need to really talk about how you’re feeling. No holding back.” I know that’s what needs to be done, if only I can get him to talk to me and stop avoiding me like he did this morning.

I
SLAM
the front door behind me and quickly jump in my truck, racing as fast as I can down the driveway before I change my mind and go back inside. I really acted like a Dick. The last thing I want to do is hurt her, but I panicked when she asked to talk. I knew it was coming because of the distance I’ve been keeping lately. How do I explain what I’m feeling to her when I don’t even really know myself? There are so many emotions that I’m feeling all at once. Every time I start to let myself feel happiness and excitement about this pregnancy, something bad happens again. I’m afraid to get too attached to the idea of having these babies just to end up losing them.

I feel like a total shit, but I have a terrible feeling eating away at me and it’s telling me that this isn’t going to end well. How can I tell her that? I can’t. The only thing she has is hope that what she is doing will keep our babies safe long enough to be born healthy. More than anything, I want our babies to be born safe and healthy. I just don’t think that’s possible. She will hate me if she knows that I don’t have the faith that she does.

I pull my truck into my spot at the bar and slam my hands against the wheel. Damn it! I should be home with Amber. I’m such a fuck up! I’ve got to figure out how to make this right. I need to explain to her how I’m feeling without upsetting her more than I already have. Hopefully by the end of the day I can find the right words. For now, I need to work and clear my head. Walking into the bar, I’m greeted by a very angry Paul. This can only mean one thing. Amber is a lot more upset than I thought and Holly is with her.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, douchebag!” Paul roars as he rushes toward me and shoves me hard. I stumble backwards, the hard tabletop slamming into my back as the only thing stopping me from going any further. Before I can regain my footing, he’s standing in front of me, fuming. His eyes are bulging and his nostrils are flaring. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this pissed. “Would you care to explain what the hell that was for?”

“It was for the simple fact that you are an asshole. What did you do to Amber this morning?”

“What are you talking about? I didn’t
do
anything to Amber.”

“Holly called. Said when she got to your house Amber was crying her eyes out. When Holly asked her what was wrong, she said it’s the way you’ve been acting toward her.” Taking a deep breath, he sits down at the table. He looks a little calmer, so I sit across from him and wait for the rest of his inevitable lecture. “We’ve all noticed it lately and it’s not like you. You would never treat Amber badly. Why now?” He’s right, I can’t deny that. Still, I can’t help but get defensive. I know he’s only trying to watch out for Amber and me, but he’ll be asking questions. Questions I haven’t figured out the answers to yet. “Maybe you and Holly should mind your own damn business,” I snap and stand. Paul grabs my arm and pushes me back into my chair.

“We’re your friends, dumbass. Things can’t be easy for either of you right now and I’m here if you need to talk shit out. No matter what it is. If you all don’t talk about what you’re feeling, it will eat at you. So, do you want to tell me what your deal is?”

“I don’t know what I’m feeling half the time. I’m always either so fucking confused or guilty.”

“Why would you feel guilty? None of this is your fault,” he asks with concern in his voice rather than the anger that’s been there. I try to explain to him the way I’ve been feeling. How I really don’t think this pregnancy is going to end happily. I try to make him see that I can’t exactly tell this to Amber.

“She has enough to deal with right now. I just can’t let her see that I have the doubts I have. I can’t lie to her so what do I do when she wants to talk?”

“Honestly, I think it’s time you learn to lie. You tell her what she needs to hear to get her through this. No one knows what the outcome is gonna be. You may be wrong. I know why you don’t want to get your hopes up, I get it, but she needs to believe. There’s no way in hell she’ll give up.”

She’s not going to give up. That’s what I’m afraid of. The more time that goes by, the more she believes we’ll have a happy ending. I’ve been reading up on her condition until I think my eyes will bleed. I’ve also listened to the doctors and watched their body language as they spoke to us. They don’t think this will end well either. I can’t build her up just to allow her to fall harder. This is tearing me up inside. I want this just as badly as she does. Acceptance of what is coming our way is something I’m finding now instead of later. I can’t allow myself to get anymore attached than I already have. It will break me if I do.

I try to concentrate on the piles of paperwork in front of me, but there’s no use. Amber is the only thing on my mind. At least, she was until Holly comes barreling through my door. It’s bad enough I had Paul on my ass earlier, now I’m gonna have to listen to her run her mouth. I am really not in the mood for this right now. She slams the door closed behind her so hard it shakes the pictures hanging on the wall. She’s even more pissed than Paul was. Great. I’m never gonna get her out of here.

“Paul says he talked to you but won’t tell me what was said. Spill it. Now. Amber is a wreck. She thinks you’re going to leave her.” She demands, her arms crossed.

“Why the fuck would she think I’m gonna leave her?”

“Gee, I don’t know. You barely talk to her. You leave the house without telling her you love her. She has herself convinced all that’s happening is her fault and you blame her. She thinks you’re ready to bail,” Holly says, her eyes pleading with me to give her answers. I didn’t realize how upset Amber was this morning. I can’t believe I left without telling her I love her. I wanted to avoid a conversation about my feelings so bad that I rushed out as fast as I could.

“First of all, I don’t blame her for anything. She has no control over what’s happening any more than you or I do. Second, I would never leave her. Ever. Not for anything.”

“Then what’s your problem? Why are you keeping this distance between the two of you?”

“Holly, I appreciate that you’re looking out for Amber, but I’m dealing with this shit too. I need to be allowed to do that in my own way. I’m doing my best to hold myself together and take care of Amber. Sometimes I need some space to figure things out without everybody jumping all over my shit.” I’m trying not to sound like an ass. I love the fact that they are all so protective of Amber, but sometimes it’s a little much.

“I’m sorry. I know this hasn’t been easy for you either. I guess we’ve all been so worried about Amber that we’ve neglected you.”

“Amber is always the most important thing. I just need to get my head together.”

“Well, it’s your lucky day. Becky and I are having a little slumber party with Amber tonight, so why don’t you stay with Paul and have a boy’s night?” That does sound like a good idea. It will give me a little time to try to clear my head, plus Amber will have a night of fun that will keep her mind occupied.

“Okay, but can you do me a favor?” Holly nods yes. “Make sure she knows I’m not going anywhere and that I don’t blame her for anything. I’m just as scared as she is. The only difference is that she’s handling it a hell of a lot better.” Holly smiles and agrees to talk to Amber. Hopefully tonight will give me the time I need to figure out how to be there for her the way she needs me to be.