Remember Me: Oakville Series:Book Two (23 page)

“It’s okay, Mr. Connor. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with this. How ever you’re feeling is okay. You have to deal with these things the best way you can.” I wish I could say she makes me feel better, but I still feel like I’ve failed as a husband and a father. “We will take pictures in case you change your mind later on,” she says as she and the other nurses take the babies and leave the room.

“What is with you, man? Why are Paul and I the ones doing your job? You stood there like a statue the whole fucking time. You wouldn’t hold your own babies. Hell, you wouldn’t even look at them,” Angel snaps in my face, looking like he’s ready to beat my sorry ass.

“I’m doing the best I can! When you’re in my shoes, you can tell me if I’m handling things the right way. Until then, mind your own fucking business!” These guys are supposed to be my friends; don’t they see the amount of pain I’m in too? “Do you honestly think any of this is easy for me or that I know what the right or wrong thing to do is? I’m just trying to do what hurts the least. I’m trying to keep from falling apart so much that I can’t pull myself back together.” The tears start to fall and I can’t stop them. For the first time today, I don’t feel like such a fuck up. I finally feel normal, that my reaction is the right one. “I couldn’t have gotten through today without all of you. I will never be able to thank any of you enough, especially you and Paul. You both held and comforted my babies when I couldn’t. I wanted to so bad, but I couldn’t. I don’t expect you to understand why, because I don’t. As my friends though, I would hope you at least trust me and know that I’m not just flaking out on my family for the hell of it.” Neither of them need to say a word. I can see by the look on their faces that they get it now. They both come at me and wrap me in a group hug. If this were any other time, I would’ve knocked ‘em on their ass. Before I know what’s happening, everyone has joined in.

Beasley comes rushing into the room. Normally he looks very young for his age, but right now, he looks ancient.

“What’s going on? Where are they taking my girl in such a damn hurry?” he questions. Paul brings a chair over to him but he refuses to sit. He wants answers. I can’t say that I blame him. I would, too. I just don’t know if I can explain it all. I start to walk over but Holly stops me.
Oh. Thank. God.
She walks up to Beasley and points to the chair, but he shakes his head no.

“Now, you listen to me. I’m not telling you a damn thing until you sit your ass down in that chair,” she informs him. Beasley being the smart man that he is, sits his ass right down in the chair. I hear Angel chuckle, but it stops instantly from the death glare that he gets from Holly. She would make one hell of a drill instructor. She starts from the beginning and explains everything to him. Good ol’ Holly doesn’t leave out a single detail, not even me being M.I.A this morning. At first Beasley shoots me a look filled with daggers, but by the time she gets to the end, something has changed. He looks at me now with some sort of understanding. I wish he’d fill me in so maybe I could fully understand my actions.

After a little while, Beasley convinces everyone to head out, telling them we will wait for Amber to wake up and we’ll call if she needs anything. The doctor told us he was going to keep her medicated a little so she would rest through the night, but he wants her to wake from the anesthesia first and they would bring her up from recovery as soon as she does.

“I understand in a roundabout way how you’re feeling. When I first found out I was Amber’s dad, but couldn’t be with her as her dad, I stayed away. I thought it would be easier that way. Out of sight, out of mind. I know the situations are completely different, but the reasoning behind what we both did is pretty much the same. I want you to know that I get it. I know how much you love my daughter. You have always been right there by her side and strong for her no matter how you were feeling and I admire you for that, son. You don’t always have to be the strong one though, you can grieve, and you can fall apart a little. It’s okay to hold each other up, it doesn’t have to be one or the other,” Beasley says sincerely.

“Thanks. I was starting to think everyone was turning against me today. You know I’ll always put Amber’s needs before my own. That’s my job as her husband. Sometimes, though, it all just builds up to a point and if I don’t get time to think and sort it out, I’ll explode.” He nods his head in understanding. At least I have one person who gets it — gets me. Its times like this I really miss my dad. He would know just what to say to make me feel a little better. I‘m glad I have Beasley as my father-in-law; I couldn’t have picked a better one if I tried.

The door opens and a nurse walks in. She smiles at us and clears a few things out of the way. I can see the end of a bed in the hall and my palms start to sweat with nerves. I don’t know what to expect. I picture an inconsolable, crying Amber in my head. I wouldn’t blame her. If that’s how I feel on the inside, it has to be worse for her. She carried and took care of our babies for twenty-two weeks. She felt them moving and growing inside her. This has to be slicing her apart. Out of all the pictures popping up in my head, what comes through that door isn’t one that I would ever have imagined in a million years.

A
S THE
nurses wheel my bed down the hall, I realize that I’m still in the maternity ward, just a different section. This is the section for women who come in pregnant thinking they’ll be leaving with a baby only to have something go wrong. It’s to keep us separated from the happy new mothers and their babies, so that we aren’t reminded of our loss. Like that’s really going to make any difference.

When they push my bed into the room, I see Kyle and my dad sitting together. The two most important men in my life look so tired, sad, and nervous. Nervous because of me. They’re afraid of how I’m holding up, they have no idea what to expect. Even though I want so badly to fall to pieces right now, I won’t. I can’t. For these two men who have been so strong for me more than once, I can be strong for them this time. I have to do this for them. They did nothing but worry about me throughout the whole Beau mess. I can’t put them through that again. It’s my turn to take care of them. The best way to do that is by not letting them see how broken I am. So, as I’m pushed farther into the room, I smile as brightly as I can and pray they can’t see right through me.

After a little while of them asking me constantly if I need this or that, I finally convince them both to go home. It isn’t an easy task. I fake drifting off to sleep and tell them all I’m going to do is sleep. When the door closes behind them, the damn I’ve built comes crashing down. Without all of the drugs in my system, I’m able to let all of the emotions out. Pulling the pillow over my face, I scream into it as loud as I can. Over and over again. This pain is unbearable. I think I could break every bone in my body right now and it wouldn’t hurt as bad. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve to be punished like this? Someone touches my arm and I jump, completely unaware that the nurse had come in.

“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Connor. I didn’t mean to startle you,” she says softly. “I want to make sure you’re okay. Is there anything I can do? Call someone or get something to help you sleep?”

“Something to help me sleep, please,” I manage to squeak out between sobs.

“I’ll be right back with that,” she says with an understanding smile. There’s something about her that says she has been through pain like mine. Maybe that’s why she works in this area. If I can sleep, then I can stop hurting for a little while. I know it’s only a temporary fix, but right now, I’ll take whatever I can get. She’s back quickly, handing me two small pills and a little cup of water. I swallow them as fast as I can, hoping they take affect right away.

“They will work quickly. If you need anything tonight, I’m only a button push away,” she says as she puts the call button within my reach, “even if you just need someone to sit with you, okay?”

“Thank you. I appreciate that.” I give her the best smile I can. I’m sure it’s a lame excuse for a smile, but it’s the best I’ve got for now. It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be truly able to smile again. Rolling to my side, I close my eyes. Waiting for sleep to take away the pain, I let the tears silently fall.

I wake up and glance at the clock. It’s seven in the morning. I can’t believe I slept the whole night without waking up. For just a few seconds, that agonizing pain in my heart is gone, but it doesn’t take long to return. I wonder if they’ll give me something so I can just sleep all day too. Probably not, but it sure would be nice. My door opens and in walks Dr. Jarrett. He has his nose in my chart as he walks in the door. Just being in the same room with this guy aggravates me. Not that I’m a big ball of laughs as it is, but he makes my mood worse. He smiles down at me as he sits at the foot of my bed.
Go right ahead. Make yourself at home.

“How are you feeling this morning?” he asks brightly. Is he for real? How does he think I’m feeling after yesterday?

“Okay...I guess.” He’s hardly looked up from that damn chart, let alone made eye contact with me. I wonder if he even knows whose room he’s in.

“So, how are the babies this morning? Have you seen them yet?” he asks, still not looking at me. What the fuck is he talking about? He cannot be this incompetent and insensitive. He must know what part of the maternity ward we’re in, plus he’s had his nose in my damn chart since he walked in the door. Has he even been reading it? I don’t know what comes over me, but I’m beyond livid. With every ounce of energy I have, I kick him as hard as I can. He goes flying off the end of the bed, landing on his face with a thud. My chart along with his glasses, slide across the slick floor.

“Get out! How dare you be so insensitive! Did you even read that fucking chart in front of you, you son of a bitch. No, I didn’t see my babies today. Seeing that they died yesterday, I would guess they aren’t doing too well!” He starts to pick himself up off the floor as I try to keep the tears at bay. I refuse to let this ass make me cry. It’s hard to do when I see Holly standing in the doorway with a ‘you go girl’ look for me and an ‘I’m gonna kick your ass, douche’ for Dr. Jarrett. He finally composes himself. Before he can speak, I cut him off. I really don’t want to hear a word he has to say. “I suggest if you have any other patients to see that you make sure you know everything before you open your trap. I do not want you in my room again while I’m here. You will not be treating me ever again.” He nods his head and almost runs past Holly out the door. I picture her tripping him as he walks by her and it makes me giggle.

“You thought I was going to trip him, didn’t you?”

“I could see you doing that. Did you hear everything?”

“Yeah, I heard it all. He got off pretty easy, if you ask me. Although, it did look like that kick to the floor hurt quite a bit.”