Renewing Hope (In Your World #2) (18 page)

Naomi shook her head and cried a little harder.

"She started throwing up day before yesterday. She has had a fever that will not break. She has become weaker than I have ever seen her!"

I glanced at Nathan; he had that pained look on his face he wore whenever he thought of his own family. This was just another reminder for him. It didn't help that we had opened the last room yesterday, his parents’. I leaned down and touched Naomi on the arm to get her attention.

"Come on, we'll take you home. Nathan will go let Jonah know. You need to be with your mother," I said firmly, pulling brother and sister up from the floor where they had collapsed.

Benjamin looked at me in fear.

"I will go with Nathan, to get Jonah," he stammered.

Nathan's hand on his shoulder, pushing him gently into the wall, made him pause. I could see the pained determination in Nathan's eyes. The death of his mother was still heavy on his mind.

"You will go see your mother," Nathan said, his voice low and dangerous. "You will not delay this any longer. You may not get the chance again."

"He will be there," Benjamin breathed.

"You will be there for her. Nothing else matters."

I held my breath at the interchange; Nathan's demanding nature was surprising. But the intense fear in Benjamin's face was even more so. He stared wide-eyed at Nathan, his mouth moving but no noise coming out.

"You will go," Nathan affirmed. "Go with Kate and Naomi. I will bring help."

Benjamin looked my way while I held his sister in my arms. I nodded in encouragement, and watched as his resolve set. The fear slid away at the sight of his sister, limp and crying in my arms. His family was in need. His mother needed him. He swallowed and nodded, taking deep breaths as if to prepare himself to dive into deep water.

Perhaps he was.

Nathan snuck in a kiss to my cheek and rushed out through the back door while Emma, Abigail and I helped Naomi into the Bishop's buggy. Benjamin followed with sluggish feet, his face ashen as he slid into the seat and grabbed the reins. A hard swallow and quick flick of the wrist to the reins and we were off into the darkness toward the Bishop's house. The full moon lit our way, the air eerily quiet and still making the sound of the buggy seem loud and jarring as we rode the short distance.

I watched Benjamin as we rode, his lip tucked in his mouth, his eyes too large. Fate had forced his hand and perhaps this was what was needed to drive him back home. I had no idea if he was ready; I could only hope that he was.

As soon as we pulled into the yard, the Bishop came out of the house and moved toward us swiftly, only to pull himself up short when he saw Benjamin helping Naomi out of the buggy.

"What?" he said haltingly. He glanced at me, then at Naomi, narrowing his eyes.

"Why is he here?"

"He wants to see Mother. He needs to see her," Naomi stammered, and clung to her brother a little more closely.

"What makes you think you are welcome?" the Bishop spluttered.

"It is time I saw Mother. She is in need," Benjamin said in a soft voice and walked past his father, never looking him in the eye.

He watched in shock as Benjamin half carried his sister into the house, Emma and Abigail not far behind them. He whirled around to face me while I unbuckled his horse from the buggy.

"What do you think you are doing? Bringing him here! This is your doing, I know it!" he hissed.

"She is sick. He wants to see her, in case," I started, only to have the Bishop silence me.

"She will not die! I sent the girl to fetch Jonah and she brings back Outsiders!" he yelled and raised his arms into the air.

The horse startled, pulling me hard until I had it calmed down. As soon as I had a firm hand on it, I turned to the Bishop, propriety and the quiet Amish female image I had tried to cultivate for over two months dashed by his anger.

"Jonah was not at home. Nathan is running now to get him. Benjamin is your son, not an Outsider. He deserves to see his mother!"

"You do not understand. You do not know this boy like I know him," he sneered and stepped forward, as if his height would intimidate me.

But I was the willful one, and so many years of accepting the berating of Sean and my father, and now the Bishop, made something in me snap.

"You are right. You know him better than I do. He is your flesh and blood and yet you discard him like a piece of ruined meat. You make him out to be a lost cause, Bishop Yoder, but I have seen his kindness. I have seen his charity. Do you not preach to us that family is the basis of our Way? Is it not in the Book that if one does not provide for his relatives, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever?" I asked, my hand tightening on the horse’s bridle when the Bishop stepped closer again.

"How dare you throw my teachings back at me, English!" he seethed. "How dare you say I have no faith? I was born into this life. I accepted it with open arms. I did not spurn it so that I could sow my oats to an English whore that defiled that most precious thing as life by getting rid of it! I did not fill my soul with the Devil's drink and turn from His word. I remained faithful! I did not defile Him by cursing His name and turning from God and from my duty! You do not understand because you are an Outsider! You will always be an Outsider!"

He was towering over me, his breath hot in my face as he yelled. There was so much anger and hatred in this man.

And so much hurt.

I could see it in his eyes, beneath the ire. He was battling his demons and they were winning. He stared down at me with fire in his eyes, and inside of me I felt a sudden surge of pity for this man. He didn't live by his teachings. Everything he had lectured me on came back in a rush. Weeks of the Amish Way opened up my thoughts and it all became crystal clear to me, the meaning of this life.

"Our Way is love and forgiveness, Bishop Yoder. We are sinners by nature. But we are forgiven by God and by those who love us. Family is our life. Without it, how can we hope to flourish? I see that in the struggle that Nathan faces every day working his farm on his own. It is impossible without family. Naomi will be getting married soon, Bishop Yoder. And if you turn from your son, you will be alone. There is nothing more tragic than to turn from your family. I know. I have said goodbye to my blood by choice, because I choose this life.”

Benjamin did not get that choice. He had been cast out, by his own flesh and blood.

"Where in the Bible does it say this is right? When your son needs so much of your love and guidance on the path of righteousness, you turn from him, you who are his spiritual advisor and his father. You refused him when he needed you most, when he needed a guide from the darkness of Rumspringa you toss your youth into. You cast him out for struggling and making his mistakes. Where is that in our Way?” I asked and took a step toward the Bishop, his former stance now less forbidding as he stepped back from my advance.

“When he wants to return, and when he wants to make amends, when he desperately wishes to return to that love and guidance, you shun him?” I asked, taking another step. “When he needs a father most, he is left alone and discarded? How can you be a man of God and shun your own son, who has suffered so much and only wants to return to the love of his family and his faith?”

I was whispering by the time I finished, my throat tightening at the sheer horror that was this man. I never broke eye contact with him as he stood over me while his horse nickered and pawed at the ground nervously. The Bishop raised his hand to point at me in accusation, the horse and I both flinching from the sudden movement.

He narrowed his eyes and leaned in, his breath washing over my already-heated face.

"You do not know what you speak of. You will never understand the true meaning of the Amish Way, the simple way that God intends. You are as tainted as he is, with your English ways. You do not exemplify the Way. You will always be an Outsider, and looked down on as such. With your violence and your sin and your outspoken ways. You will never be of the Amish Way, no matter how many you charm and manipulate," he grated.

I took a step back, pulling the horse to the side to walk around the Bishop. I paused a few steps away and turned back, my energy to stand and fight gone with his biting words.

"I may always be viewed as an Outsider, and I may never be able to live amongst you for that reason. But Benjamin has struggled to find his way home, on his own. That shows how honorable and true his desire to live as an Amish man is. He has been tested, maybe by God Himself. I may not have been born into your Way, Bishop Yoder, but Benjamin was. He belongs here, and only hopes for your forgiveness," I said quietly and walked away, leaving the Bishop gaping by his abandoned buggy in the moonlight.

I settled the Bishop's horse into a stall, unsure if it was the right one or not. It didn't matter. The horse was happy to be in a stall with oats and water. I made my way back toward the house, unsure whether or not to enter, so I remained outside in the cool night, sitting on the steps leading up to the house, deep in thought.

The Bishop had made it clear that I would always be an Outsider. There was no winning him over. I felt my determination crack from his scathing words. There would be no baptism for me if he had to choose. I would not be able to marry Nathan, and I would be forced to leave, I was sure. Would Nathan walk away from this life, like he had said on our trip back, or would he choose the Amish Way over me?

I couldn’t think ill of him if he chose his faith over me.

This was his life, and while I wanted to be with him more than anything, I wouldn’t force him to choose.

I thought of leaving this all behind and I felt my breath catch. I would be lost without this life.

I fought back my tears; it would just hinder me further to have the Bishop discover he had cracked my resolve.

It was a long while before I heard the sound of hooves on the gravel in the dark. I made out the silhouette of a buggy, hoping it was Nathan with Jonah. My hopes were dashed when I saw the dapple-grey horse pulling in close. A man jumped out of the buggy, walking around to help someone out of the other side.

Gleaming white beard and stooped-over figure —I recognized Elder Ezekiel immediately. I stood awkwardly, my legs numb from sitting for too long. Ezekiel took the man's hand and walked at a crawling pace toward me, smiling when he was close enough to see me.

"Katherine. What a surprise to see you here, of all places. Has the Bishop cast you out of his house?" he asked, a bit of biting humor in the timbre of his voice.

I blinked back tears at his words, unsure how to respond.

Ezekiel frowned at my startled expression and gently took my arm, leaning in as I helped him up the stairs.

"I am sorry, girl. I did not mean to make light of a troublesome worry you undoubtedly face. Let us go in and see how the Bishop's wife is," he whispered and patted my arm as he hung on it a little heavier. I had a feeling the Bishop would have another opinion of me entering his house.

As we entered the bedroom, the Bishop turned his head from me. He stood off in the corner, his eyes trained hard on Benjamin as he sat beside his mother, who cried softly and clung to his hand as he whispered to her. Naomi sat on the other side, her head on the side of the bed, her hand in her mother's hair as she stroked it lightly to calm her mother. Emma busied herself with applying cool compresses against Mrs. Yoder's forehead.

I found a chair for Ezekiel to sit in and took in the scene around me until I felt restless from the tension in the room. Ezekiel noticed my nerves, bending me toward him to whisper, asking for a cup of tea. Given an occupation, I disappeared into the Yoder kitchen and made myself useful. It was going to be a long night, and still Jonah and Nathan had not arrived.

I set the water boiling for tea. I cleaned the dishes that appeared to be left from a hasty supper. I kept myself busy, cleaning and supplying drinks as needed. And when I had nothing else to do, I set about making breakfast. Emma came down regularly to retrieve more cold water, whispering to me how she thought things were progressing. But aside from the Yoders standing vigil, no other efforts were made to heal the family's issues. No one spoke, unless Mrs. Yoder requested it.

I was leaning against the counter, nearly asleep while standing when I heard the front door open. I straightened up in time to see Jonah make his way up to the bedrooms. I saw Nathan in the doorway, tired and disheveled, taking in the scene of me alone in the kitchen.

"Emma told me her fever broke an hour or two ago. She's sleeping last I checked," I whispered.

"And Benjamin?" he asked, concerned.

"Sitting beside his mother."

He nodded and stepped into the kitchen quietly.

"The baby was finally born a few hours ago. Fannie is staying with the mother until daybreak. I am not sure Jonah has slept in two days," he said and sat at the table, groaning as he rubbed at his neck.

"It will be a long day," I replied and poured him a cup of coffee. He took it gratefully and watched while I worked, pulling out biscuits and the breakfast casserole Fannie had shown me.

"Have you not slept?" he asked.

I offered him a tense smile and shook my head.

"I don't think I could sleep even if I tried. Too much going on," I replied and wiped my hands.

Nathan opened his mouth to speak, closing it when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Naomi came in through the doorway, going straight to Nathan to hug him tight.

"Thank you, Nathan. Jonah says she should be fine now that the fever has broken. Thank you for finding Jonah. And for my brother," she whispered.

Nathan hugged her back awkwardly before pulling away at the sound of more footsteps. Jonah and the Bishop entered next, Jonah speaking in a hushed tone as they sat at the table. One look at Jonah told me that he needed some coffee. I poured cups for the men, setting them down on the table before returning to get cream and sugar. Emma came down next and helped Naomi and me to prepare dishes for everyone. The Bishop watched us as we brought the plates over, looking down finally at his plate as his daughter placed it before him.