Renewing Hope (In Your World #2) (20 page)

Sometimes I wished I didn't know German.

My head dipped down and I hid my frown, my eyes concentrating on the explorer ant that was moving in a zigzag across the table. I wanted to concentrate on anything other than the conversation closest to me that seemed to continue on in blistering fashion. I could feel my face heat up, and my heart hammering.

I was tired.

My nerves were worn raw from my dealings with the Bishop.

But the words I heard near me made me feel frustrated and question the meaning of “love thy neighbor”.

He should never have been allowed back.

I am sure she had something to do with bringing him home.

She sits there as if to be waited on.

Not a good match for young Fisher.

She is charming our good men, drawing them away.

His farm will falter.

I stood abruptly, causing their voices to silence and their eyes to look over at me. I threw on a false smile, and like the quiet Amish woman I wasn't, spoke out.

"Es tut mir leid. Bitte entschuldigen Sie mich," I said, offering my apologies and excusing myself while their eyes widened. I was pretty sure I had said it all right.

I turned from their reddening faces and sought out Emma before she made my plate. I wasn't hungry anymore. I expected animosity to joining the community; I even expected a direct lashing out when it was my turn to be baptized. But seeing and hearing it be directed to one of their own irritated me.

Benjamin deserved better.

Sarah Jensen caught sight of me as I trudged closer, her eyes narrowing as I drew close.

"What is it, Katherine? You appear aggravated. Be at peace today," she said and wrapped her arm around me. I blew out a long breath and tried to smile.

I was sure it looked like a grimace; she held me a little more firmly and pulled me with her toward the kitchen.

"Today is a monumental day, Katherine. We have seen a miracle today. From what I hear from Ezekiel, you and Nathan will be next. We are truly blessed," she said, smiling.

"If the Elders allow me," I murmured, feeling the fatigue and my worries begin to overwhelm me.

She stopped and looked down at me, her eyes full of concern.

"Why would they not?" she asked. "You have put forth more effort in learning our Way than many of our own children. You are a light that has awoken many, Katherine. I have no doubts in your acceptance."

I nodded and looked down at my feet, afraid to believe her. She had always been civil, since the moment I had met her. She was kind like the Bergers. But the words from the others, time and again, left me doubting.

"I know there are some who may be upset if I marry Nathan," I whispered and glanced back toward the group I had overheard. Sarah looked where my eyes had traveled and she let out something like a snort.

"Oh my, Katherine, do not worry over the Schrocks," she replied and leaned in to whisper. "They have no right to question you. They come from Ohio, from an Old Order community that I believe shunned them. We took them in with open arms. It is our way, and they should have no reason to act as they do. They were new to us not so long ago."

I glanced back once more, frowning.

"Why would they think less of Benjamin, then? I understand why they are upset about me," I started but Sarah shook her head, huffing hard.

"They see our present Bishop as a man to bring back some of the old ways they agreed with. Do not worry, Katherine. Having Benjamin home is a Godsend. And perhaps things will change for the better soon," she muttered and directed me inside toward the kitchen.

I found Emma there, as well as Fannie, who looked about as tired as I did. Fannie nodded to Sarah, who left us alone with a nod and an encouraging pat on my shoulder. I met Fannie at the counter and felt her warm arms wrap around the two of us. She hummed quietly in our ears while she held us.

"I am so happy for my daughters," she said and pulled away, placing her palms on our cheeks.

I looked at her, abashed.

"I didn't do anything," I murmured.

Emma grunted and shook her head at me.

"That is not true, Katherine. Not only did you take up duties to care for the Yoders this morning, but you finally told the Bishop what he needed to hear!" she said, nodding firmly.

I glanced from her to Fannie, nervous now that they knew of the tongue-lashing I had given to the Bishop.

"I know it was wrong to say those things, but he just made me so mad," I stammered.

Fannie hugged me tighter and let out a soft laugh.

"Katherine, from what Emma tells me, you said what many have wished to say. You are unconventional, but we love you for that bit of new courage you give us," she replied.

"You should have seen Benjamin's face while we listened," Emma chuckled.

My eyes widened.

"He heard it too?" I squeaked.

She nodded.

"I think you might have given him the courage to do what he did today, regardless of what Elder Ezekiel may have said. I think Benjamin knew he needed to come back," she explained.

I wasn't sure how to feel about that. Was he feeling guilty? Did he go through with it for himself, or because he felt Nathan would suffer? Or that I would suffer?

"Katherine, do not worry," Emma said. "Come, let us get some food and relax for a little while. This is a celebration, not an inquisition."

I nodded and made up a plate, relaxing some when we finally sat down across from Nathan, Benjamin and John.

"Where did you run off to?" Nathan asked, a little concerned. "You seemed frustrated when you stood up and walked away."

I waved my hand around dismissively.

"I couldn't sit there alone," I replied, not wanting to bring up what I had heard in front of Benjamin.

Even still, Benjamin was looking toward the Schrocks with a knowing eye. He glanced back at me and then concentrated on his meal. Nathan pursed his lips, seeming to understand that there was more to the story, but left it alone while we ate. I somehow knew we would discuss it later.

As a distraction, I turned to Emma and John.

"So now that you are officially committed to the Way, how long do we have until the wedding?" I asked, and laughed as Emma blushed.

John was unfazed by the question. He simply pulled the chicken apart in his hands slowly and offered me a lazy grin.

"I do not think we wish to wait until you and Nathan are ready. It will be late winter by then," he said, his smile growing. "So we plan to announce it today to those we intend to invite."

Nathan's eyebrows raised in surprise.

"You mean to be wed in a few weeks?" he asked, looking from John's smug grin to Emma's beet red face.

They both nodded.

"That is the plan," John replied and rubbed at Emma's hand to calm her. She seemed to relax in an instant and her blush diminished. It was amazing how in tune they both were with each other.

Nathan cleared his throat and glanced at me.

"I do not believe it will be winter when we speak our vows," he said, his lips quivering.

It was my turn to blush and feel Nathan's soothing touch on my hand.

"Yes, well. You still must have the Bishop ask for Katherine’s permission, Nathan," John replied, his smile sobering quickly.

Nathan pulled my hand into his and held his head higher.

“I have hope and faith,” he replied, confirming for me that somehow, things would work out.

Even if the Bishop fought us tooth and nail.

Nathan’s faith in us made me believe.

It carried me through the rest of the afternoon.

I watched as people eventually dispersed, shaking hands with John and nodding politely to Emma as they left later that afternoon. The formal announcement had been made about their impending wedding, with many congratulations and well wishes. It was nice to see so much affection toward the two of them. A few asked Nathan about his plans to take a bride, their playful banter in German causing him to blush and glance my way with a timid smile, as if asking me if it was all right to announce our own plans.

He refrained, which I was glad for, and the older women teased him about needing a good woman around his house before they glanced at me thoughtfully and went on their way. I simply smiled and remained quiet, trying to emulate the Amish Way.

Nathan excused himself at some point to offer his help in packing the wagon that carried the Sermon benches, and so I sat on our swing, the chores complete and the sun dipping toward the hill. I was exhausted from avoiding the Bishop's intense scrutiny most of the day and shattered from trying to ignore the looks and whispers of everyone else. My nerves were raw, and I tried desperately to hide it so as not to worry Nathan or the Bergers. The day had been maybe the hardest since coming into my new world, and that was saying something after learning how to muck out stalls and wash clothes by hand.

I just wanted to crawl upstairs and sleep, and hope that the following day showed me more grace and acceptance. My eyes had closed at some point, but I heard the tentative footsteps near me. I opened my eyes, expecting Nathan. I was surprised to see Benjamin there, looking down at his hat in his hand. I slid over and patted the swing, offering him a seat. He looked as tired as I felt.

He shook his head and moved to lean on the porch railing across from me. I watched him as he picked at a worn spot on his straw hat, his eyes remaining there as if only the mark on the brim existed in his world. I remained quiet, unsure in my present state that I wouldn't say something awkward or inappropriate. He cleared his throat and glanced up only as far as my own feet.

"I wanted to thank you, Katherine."

I shifted in my seat and shook my head.

"I don't know what for. I haven't done anything," I murmured, forcing his eyes to find mine.

"I have everything to thank you for. I would not be here, if it were not for you."

I made to argue but he put his hand up, silencing me.

"I only hope I will be half of what you expect of me," he said and barked out a harsh laugh.

"I don't expect anything that you are not already, Benjamin," I murmured.

"You see more than anyone I know, Katherine. You seem to know how to inspire," he continued. "You have no fear, you leap into the lion's den, and still you continue on. I have witnessed you stand up to the man who terrifies me, and still you smile and persevere. You stand up for things that should be natural for me to do. But I could not. I walked from my mother's bedside this morning with the idea that I had to do something, after last night and your words. I have run for long enough. You did that for me, Katherine. You made me see God again."

I looked down from him, embarrassed and uncomfortable.

He was putting too much credence into my being.

The same being who was seconds from crying and wanting to run away as well.

"You did that yourself, Benjamin," I murmured. "You just needed to see that people do care about you being here and being well."

"But you made me see that. Your desire for this life makes you unafraid of the wrongs you have been dealt," he said and when I looked up at him, I noticed his pursed lips as he looked off toward his father. He let out a long sigh and turned back to me, his eyes somber.

He tilted his head to the side and regarded me thoughtfully for a long moment.

"You shoulder too much of a burden that is not yours, Katherine," he whispered. "And for that I am sorry. For much of it is my fault."

"It's not your fault," I started.

"Yes it is. My father has never appreciated the wonder of the English world. His father refused him his Rumspringa. My father works in the modern world with his furniture store, but he is not a man of that world. I think he simply refuses to acknowledge it on principle now, because his own father shunned it. My desire to remain in that world meant I could have what he was refused. He did not appreciate that. His children should never have better than he did," he explained ruefully.

"I'm not sure if it was better, Benjamin. But a parent should want the best for his child," I replied.

He shrugged and picked at his hat again.

"I was angry at him for denying me. For insisting I give up the things I had discovered in that world. Better things. I found a girl I thought I loved. Whom I thought loved me," he whispered and kept his head down. He swallowed and cleared his throat. "My father could not fathom me loving anyone outside our Order. He could not see past his own experience."

"That's his fault, not yours," I argued.

He laughed and nodded.

"But I did not help to temper his view of English women. I know he harbors ill feelings for you because of me. I am sorry for that," he murmured.

I stood and took a step toward him. I couldn't handle much more deep conversation today.

"I irritate him for many reasons, Benjamin. Please don't feel responsible for how this community feels toward me," I said, trying to brush off the emotions I felt at having to continue to prove myself, probably for years to come.

He looked up at me, his eyes dark and deep and full of regret.

"You have proven to him that someone can stand up to his hurtful words. It should have been me last night standing up to him. But I was afraid and you were braver than I. I fear I will fail in my faith. I do not know if God still wants me," he said in a low voice.

"I don't think you would have stepped forward today if that was true, Benjamin. You knew it was where you needed to be, even if Elder Ezekiel gave you the nudge you needed. Sometimes we need a push to get us going in the right direction," I explained and allowed him a tender smile when he chuckled.

"Elder Ezekiel is quite persuasive. You do not say no to him," he said, nodding gravely.

"No, you do not. He sees your purpose clearly, I think," I replied.

He sighed and continued to nod, like the movement would help him admit it to himself.

“It will be determined when Council meets,” he said.

I remained quiet so that he could continue with what I knew was coming.