Resilient Love (Navy Love Series Book 3) (2 page)

She steps out of the bathroom and walks towards me at the exact moment I set all of the bottles back down on the couch.

Her bloodshot eyes move from my face to the bottles and back again, fear etched across her features.

Something isn’t right here.

“Jo, what’s going on?”

She looks unsure of herself as her eyes focus on the pill bottles.

“Jo!” She finally looks back at me.

“I didn’t want you to know.”

“Know what? What in the fuck is going on? Are you alright?” My mind is racing and I’m beyond worried now.

“I lost it, J.C. I didn’t think you had to find out.”

I scratch my head in confusion.

“What are you talking about? You lost what? What didn’t you think I needed to know about?”

“The baby!” she yells. “I didn’t want to tell you that I lost our baby!”

“You what?”

“I lost it. My body couldn’t handle it.”

“You were pregnant? And you didn’t tell me? What the hell, Jo?”

She nods her head with a look of shame on her face.

How the hell did I miss all of the signs of her being pregnant?

My head is spinning and I’m pissed. Why the fuck would she think I didn’t need to know she was pregnant?

I walk away from her and begin pacing the length of the living room.

“When?”

“I found out at the beginning of the month and miscarried days later.”

“So you went through all of this alone? You know I would’ve been there for you, Jo. How the hell could you not tell me?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry, J.C. Miller tried to convince me to—”

“Miller knew?! How the fuck did you think it was okay to tell her but not me? It was my fucking kid too, Jo!”

I came over with the intention to help Jo, make her feel a little better, but that’s all gone to hell now. I walk over to the door and fling it open so hard that it bangs against the wall.

“Wait, J.C., please don’t leave…” she cries.

I don’t have the patience to listen to her now though. She deserves the sadness she’s dealing with. Now I have to be concerned with myself and accept the fact that I lost a baby I wasn’t even informed of.

“No. Don’t ask me to stay now, Jo. I can’t. I can’t be around you after this.”

With that, I slam the door on mine and Jo’s relationship.

One month later.

“I’ll go, Chief.”

The words fall out of my mouth before my brain has a chance to process all of it.

To my side, I hear a small gasp from the woman who I’ve refused to talk to for the past month.

Luckily, we’re in front of our Chief so she and I both have to check our emotions and leave our personal shit at the door.

Our Chief called a meeting with Jo, Reed, and myself; giving us the opportunity to voluntarily go on the upcoming deployment. Charlie Reed is still working on getting all of his shit straight with Tegan; I want them to work out, so he doesn’t need to leave now. And Jo...well, even though we aren’t speaking anymore, I really don’t need to be around her right now. She’s tried talking to me on multiple occasions, but I shut her down each time. I can’t stand to hear her bullshit excuses from a month ago.

Time away is exactly what I need.

“Okay, thanks Collins. I’ll get your name on the work up paperwork; They’ll give you all the details on your next shift.

“Thank you, Chief.”

We’re quickly dismissed and Jo rushes past Reed and me, while he tries to figure out why I volunteered for this one.

No one knows what happened with Jo and me in the end.

She’s grown more into herself and avoids being around everyone while I spend more time at the bar like I did before our little fling.

I know she’s carrying around the guilt of losing the baby, and my yelling at her for not telling me doesn’t help; but I can’t bring myself to say sorry, not right now anyway. I’m angry still, and she’s the only person to be angry at.

It wasn’t her fault that she lost the baby, and that isn’t why I’m upset with her. I’m mad that she didn’t give me the courtesy of telling me she was pregnant. She went at least a week knowing she was pregnant, saw me every day at work and didn’t ever think to say something.

What would have happened if she hadn’t miscarried? I’d like to believe she would have eventually told me, but I’m not so sure anymore.

Yeah, space is exactly what I need. Time and space from Jo.

Too bad I’ll leave my heart here with her.

J.C.

Three Months Later

This. Fucking. Sucks.

I’m so over being out here. I’ve mentally kicked myself in the ass more times than I can count for my impulsive decision to run away from my problems instead of facing them head on.

We’ve still got at least three more months out here. I’m stuck on this ship doing the same things day in and day out. Mind-numbing tasks that do nothing but give me time to think.

Over the past three months, I haven’t gotten over the anger and hurt that Jo caused by keeping the pregnancy from me; but I’m glad I volunteered for this deployment instead of allowing her or Reed to come.

Reed and I communicate via email on a regular basis. Well, at least when possible for me. This deployment has spent a lot of time in ‘River City’ status; periods of time where all communication is shut down. Nothing in, nothing out. They can last a matter of hours or up to weeks at a time.

He told me that he’s finally gotten his shit together with Tegan; worked through all of the ghosts from his past.
Thank the Lord for that
.

Regardless of my personal feelings about this deployment, I still believe me going was the best option. It’s already benefited Reed to stay home. I’ve never known that fucker to be as happy as he is.

He and Tegan went back to Michigan where they both finally got their heads outta their asses and admitted that they love each other. They’ve since found an apartment and are in the process of moving in together.

It takes everything in me to not ask about Jo with each email. I want to so bad, but I’m giving her this time to come to me. Right now, until I come home, the ball is in her court. So, I’m stuck waiting for her to make some kind of move telling me that she still cares about us.

And that hasn’t happened yet.

I’m still waiting.

I can only pray that all those times I rejected her before I left don’t come back to bite me in the ass now that I’m ready to talk with her.

Reed has given limited details about Jo when sharing how everyone else is doing, but nothing beyond that, which I both love and hate. As pissed off as I am at her, I know she had a hard time dealing with the miscarriage. I just hope she’s found someone to talk to about it. As far as Reed says though, she’s avoiding our entire group of friends.

If I know anything about Joanna Fuentes, it’s that she’s stubborn. It’ll be a cold day in hell for her to come to me willingly and admit that she cares about me.

I did have to force him to tell me about her after she came back from her trip to California after Christmas. Unfortunately, I didn’t like what he had to say.

Physically, and I’m only going by the details he’s giving me, she has permanent bags under her eyes and she’s lost weight.

Jo was never a girly-girl, but she always wore just enough makeup to enhance her natural beauty. According to Reed, she comes into work bare-faced everyday now. She keeps to herself and wiggles her way out of any social obligations.

She’s only been around Hunter and Tessa’s twins twice now; both times she didn’t hold them or interact with them at all.

It breaks my heart even more to hear all of this about Jo. The woman is beautiful, inside and out. She shouldn’t hide herself away from the world, and she damn sure shouldn’t blame herself for what’s happened.

I can’t help but feel as though my reaction and anger helped fuel her to believe that she should be blamed for her miscarriage.

Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about it.

I’ve thought of emailing Jo myself, but the fear of her rejection has kept me from hitting the ‘send’ button.

As soon as I get back though, I will make things right. I know I want her to come to me first, which I would prefer, but she’s got this deployment to make her move. Because once I get back, I’m taking charge like I should have from the beginning.

I pray that Reed or someone in our group of friends reaches out to her before she loses herself in what I’m sure is a black hole of fucked up emotions.

Sitting out here in this big ocean gives a man nothing but unlimited amounts of time to think. Three months at sea and Joanna Fuentes is the only constant thing on my mind. I miss her more than anything. And pray every night that once I get home, she’ll give me the chance to make things right between us.

I feel like I’ve gone through different stages of emotions in dealing with the miscarriage.

That month Jo and I weren’t speaking before I left to come on this deployment, I was angry. Pissed off at her for not including me, not telling me, and for having no intentions of telling me. I was angry at God for taking our baby away. Irate at any and every one. I withdrew and pulled away from my friends.

It took Marshall handing me my ass to straighten up. And while his ass chewing did curb my lashing out towards friends and people at work, I still wasn’t my normal self.

I fought with how to be happy when I had so much rage inside me.

I thought the deployment and space would help. That was one of the reasons I volunteered to go.

While the anger boiled on the surface, deep inside I was concerned for her; I was just too selfish to show it.

The first month out at sea, my anger simmered down and I grieved. I mourned the loss of a child I didn’t know; one I’d never get to meet. My sorrow was for not only the child but also for Jo.

It was in that month that I realized just how selfish I acted.

I do still feel that I had a right to be angry, but that shouldn’t have outweighed my concern for Jo. And I
was
concerned. But in the heat of the moment, I reacted to my anger before considering just how difficult the situation was for her.

The fourth month, where I’m currently at, I’m beginning to accept what happened.

I’m from a small town in southern Georgia located smack dab in the middle of the bible belt. My parents, along with the rest of the town folk, take religion very seriously.

It took a discreet email to my dad, one where the reasoning behind my crazy emotions was left unsaid. His reply was simple.

Look to the scripture when you’re struggling son. Know that God is there to guide you through any challenging times.

After taking his advice and reading through some of my favorite scriptures, I felt, for the first time in months, a sense of peace wash over me.

My focus now is to get through this deployment and get home. I’ve got unfinished business to attend to regarding a sexy, tanned leg, brunette beauty.