Resilient Love (Navy Love Series Book 3) (6 page)

“Now, how does you losing the baby cause J.C. to no longer speak to you?”

“I didn’t tell him I was pregnant or that I lost the baby. They had to do a D&C to clean out my uterus, and I had a friend take me instead. He found out all of it about a week or two after it happened.”

“Joanna! Why didn’t you tell him?”

“I don’t know, looking back now, I know I should have.”

“You must fix this when you go back to Virginia. I want my daughter happy before my time comes.”

“Mom, don’t sa—”

“Stop, Joanna. I’ve come to terms with it, now it’s time for you and your brothers to do the same. I want to spend as much time with you two and my grandchildren as I can, and I want to live everyday as if it’s my last.”

Dejected, I nod my head. It hurts to hear that she’s given up; allowed this to overcome her. My mom is a fighter. I was hoping she’d be ready to fight it while I was here, but it seems I’ve missed that bus altogether.

“Okay.”

“One of these days, you will have beautiful children, Joanna, I know it. And even though I may not be around when that day does come, I know who will be there for you. Those friends you’ve made in Virginia and that man you care so much about.”

“I doubt that, Mom.”

She spends the rest of breakfast, and the rest of the trip trying to convince me that J.C. will suddenly change his tune and want to be with me.

I know it’s ludicrous and completely unbelievable for J.C. to want a relationship; especially with me. So I simply nod and agree at the appropriate times. I’ll do anything to make this beautiful lady in front of me happy. That includes lying at this point.

Jo

Two Months Later

I’m still feeling a lot of guilt and unease about the situation with J.C. You’d think after six months, some of it would have eased, but that’s far from the case.

He’ll be home any day. We found out the carrier he’s assigned to was relieved of duty so, thanks to work, I know they are headed back stateside from the Middle East.

I’m thankful that I have leave set aside to go back to California in two weeks. By the time J.C. gets back from his leave, I’ll be on mine. I have at least one more month before I have to face the music...and him.

Reed and I decided to go out for lunch together today; something we used to do all the time before I withdrew from everyone. Things are slowly starting to go back to normal with my group of friends, but I know in a month’s time, another metaphorical glass wall will come between us.

I’ll be on one side, isolated and capable of seeing my friends but physically unable to partake in any of the fun. J.C. and my miscarriage will be the wall; the two things holding me back from joining my friends.

Over the past three months, since I wrote the first email to J.C. and deleted it, I’ve written countless more. Each one apologizing for withholding my pregnancy and miscarriage from him. Each one extending an olive branch, wanting more than anything to rekindle our friendship. And each one ending up in my trash folder instead of being sent.

Again, I don’t see how I can convey all of my emotions through an email. There is so much that needs to be said; so many hurt feelings and unresolved issues that I want to address. A simple ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t seem like enough.

Part of my mind has been nagging that I should have sent at least one of the dozens I typed up. The words aren't necessarily what’s important in this case, we just need to open that door of communication. Reassure each other that we both still care and
want
to fix the problem.

I’ve never been shy or timid, but with this situation, I am. What if everyone blames me for losing the baby? What if they are upset I didn’t tell them about it? What if their feelings are hurt that I withdrew from them instead of leaning on them for support?

There are so many things that could go wrong with telling them, but I know I need to. It’s the best thing to do. And doing it right before I head to California is the best option; it will give everyone time to work through any anger or hurt feelings.

I also decided that telling them each separately or in smaller groups might be easier than discussing it with everyone at once. It would be slightly daunting to have five sets of eyes on me while I confess the root of my emotional breakdown.

So, here I sit today with Reed, ready to lay all of my dirty laundry out for him to witness.

Reed and I have always been close; the entire group is more like a tight knit family versus a group of friends. If any of us ever had an issue, there was always at least one of the others who could help them through it. In my case, it was Miller.

We place our order and sit across from each other while partaking in light conversation topics until our food arrives.

“So,” I start as soon as the waitress walks away, “I wanted to talk with you about some serious stuff.”

I wait for him to acknowledge my changing the tone of our lunch before continuing. When he gives a slight nod, I go ahead.

“I’m sure with you and J.C. being as close as you two are, you have some sort of idea that things were happening between us for a while.”

“I don’t know all the details, Jo, and to be honest with you, I don’t need to. Whatever you guys had going on was between the two of you. I want both of you happy, and neither of you have been for the past eight months or so.”

On the outside, I fight the smile that wants to surface knowing he’s unhappy too, but inside I’m giddy that he’s as upset as I am with how things ended with us.

“Well, I’m not going into those details, but I was the one who called things off, I suppose. Something happened that shouldn’t have which lead to me pulling away from everyone in the group and I’ve been struggling with how to make amends for all of it now. But I have to start with J.C. As terrified as I am that he’ll hate me when he comes home, I have to know for certain.”

Reed’s eyebrows pull in as he takes a bite of his burger, thinking over what I said as he chews.

“What the fuck happened, Jo? All I know is you distanced yourself from everyone, including Tegan and Marsh. The three of you have been attached at the hips until one day you woke up and decided you didn’t want to be around anymore.”

I can sense his frustration. He wants to be a good and understanding friend towards me, but he’s offended by my behavior towards Tegan. It took Reed forever to finally admit his true feelings for my best friend’s younger sister; now that he finally has, he’s fiercely protective over her.

“You really want to know?” I ask timidly.

“I don’t fucking know, Jo. I want you and J.C. to both get past all of this shit. One day you guys are sneaking around together and the next you refuse to speak to one another.”

“Reed, I...I was pregnant and miscarried.”

He looks bewildered by my confession. To be honest, I didn’t want to tell him what exactly had happened but it just slipped out. I feel like I need to be completely honest with him, with everyone, in order for them to understand my behavior.

“Jo, I had no idea...Are you alright? When was this? What did J.C. say?”

Taking a deep breath, I explain it all.

“I found out in November. Miller had me take a test when she noticed the symptoms. I miscarried a week after finding out and I had to go to the hospital for a procedure to help my body pass everything. Miller went with me to the hospital and took care of me afterwards.”

Releasing a harsh breath, Reed asks the dreaded question.

“Where the fuck was J.C. for all of this? Why wasn’t he with you?”

His tone is eerily low, no doubt pissed off that his friend would leave me alone to handle the situation by myself.

“Don’t get mad at J.C.”

He opens his mouth to argue but I stop him by finishing my thought.

“He didn’t know, Reed. I was too scared to tell him I was pregnant and then when I miscarried, part of me thought there was no reason to mention it to him.”

Shame fills me when I realize that I’m fully to blame for J.C.’s reaction when he figured everything out. I should have manned up and told him from the beginning, but I didn’t. I lumped him into the category of a deadbeat ‘baby daddy’ before he had a chance to prove otherwise.

“I was still recovering from the procedure on Thanksgiving, that’s why I left early and was so standoffish. J.C. came over later and found my medication from the procedure. When he questioned me about it, I confessed everything. He hasn’t spoken to me since.”

Reed sits in silence, processing everything he’s just learned over the last few minutes. Meanwhile, I scoot my food around on my plate, trying to keep the tears threatening to fall at bay and focus on something other than my impending waterworks.

“Why are you telling me all this, Jo?”

“I don’t know. I feel like everyone is entitled to know why I’ve been so distant. And why I will be again after J.C. comes back.”

He looks shocked.

“Why’s that?”

“J.C. doesn’t want anything to do with me, Reed. I’m the one who fucked up, so I don’t expect him to walk away from all of you.”

“You said you haven’t spoken to him since Thanksgiving, right?” I nod my head. Not that I’ve tried to speak to him since he left for deployment...but I did make attempts before he left, he blew me off each time though. It’s obvious J.C. still doesn’t want to speak to me. “You probably should have a conversation with him before you make the decision to walk away from us, Jo.”

I divert my attention to my half eaten plate of food, too terrified that seeing the expression Reed’s face is holding will shatter my entire world. A hand is placed over the top of one of mine, pulling my attention to the owner and the one person whose next words can make or break my world.

“He’s asked about you in emails, Jo. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have wondered how you’re doing. I know J.C., and I know he’s miserable out there having left without resolving things with you. Just talk to him before you make any rash decisions.”

I refuse to allow my hopes to soar over Reed’s admission. Just because J.C. has asked about me, doesn’t mean he still cares. I did lose his child and had to have a surgery in the process. He could be simply asking about my physical wellbeing after a traumatic experience.

J.C.

What’s one of the best feelings while being deployed?

Finding out the date you’re set to return home.

These past six months have simultaneously dragged and zoomed by.

I’ve never wanted time to speed up so bad, yet I’ve relished in the solidarity of the time away, too. I know I need to get back to Virginia and make amends with Jo, but I’m praying this time apart has given each of us time to let go of the hurt we both experienced at the hands of the other.

Reed hasn’t given me much more information about her since my initial asking, but at least I know that he’s willing to give me some if I ask.

The time away did do some good for me. If nothing else, it’s opened my eyes to see that I want more than sex from Joanna Fuentes. I want everything from her; friendship, sex, companionship, and most of all, love.

I never expected to willingly give my heart away to another woman again, but it happened.

Jo has slowly stolen it one small piece at a time over the past four years.

She’s always been there for me and when it was my time to step up to the plate and be there for her, I ran scared. Now I know I have to prove to her that I won’t run again.

Docking back in Norfolk is bittersweet. I’m relieved to be home, but on edge with everything waiting to face me.

Within a couple of hours, with my sea bags on my shoulders and the keys to my Chevy truck in hand, I walk off the Eisenhower, thankful to be back on American soil.

Most of the single sailors, me included in most cases, leave base and immediately head for a restaurant they’ve missed or a bar to grab a beer. Not this time though.

I steer my truck in the direction of Jo’s apartment.

Typically seeing spouses and children waiting for their sailors to come ashore doesn’t bother me, but today I struggled to keep my emotions at bay. The only thought running through my mind was that could’ve been Jo and our baby. Or just Jo waiting for me with open arms.