Retief and the PanGalactic Pageant of Pulchritude (31 page)

"Well,
what about it, Terran? Do you want to acknowledge the legitimacy of our
gracious rule and receive an exequatur allowing you to go on using up our
Lumbagan air, or would you prefer to play a stellar role in the first death
sentence we hand down from our newly established throne?"

"Apparently
Your Imperial Highness is having his little jape," Jith hissed in apparent
dismay. 'As Groacian Plenipotentiary, I must advise that the Groacian state
would look with extreme disfavor on the establishment of any unfortunate
precedent with regard to informal methods of diplomat disposal. A simple
declaration of
persona non grata
—"

"Nope.
Italian food gives us heartburn," the Imperial figure decreed. "And
if we hear any more static from aliens of any persuasion, we might just revise
our whole plan for Galactic enlightenment to include you Groaci out!"

An unusually
tall and robust Groaci stepped forward from the rear rank.

"Ussh!"
Lucael whispered.

"I'm
sure that matters need not come to that," Ussh said unctiously.
"Doubtless His Excellency, on further consideration, will wish to withdraw
his objection."

The
Emperor-elect, who had slumped rather vaguely on his throne as the Groaci
spoke, sat up alertly.

"Very
well; on with the executions. We'll make a note to send for a fresh set of
Terries more amenable to reason—"

"To
protest this unwarranted assumption of authority," Jith whispered urgently
in his own language to Ussh. 'To remind you—Special Appointee or otherwise—that
I am ranking Groacian official here!"

"I see
no reason to coddle Terran spies," the other replied in Lumbagan.
"This is Groac's opportunity to get in on the ground floor; why annoy His
Imperial Highness with minor quibbles on technical points?"

"To
point out that once these natives begin lopping alien heads, Groaci organ
clusters may be next to roll!"

Retief's
companion was staring at nothing with his eyes half closed. Ussh stirred
uneasily, looked around the ornate room.

"It
appears that I now confront an intellect equal or superior to my own,"
Lucael murmured. "He sensed my touch and instantly erected barriers, the
strength of which I cannot assess."

"Enough!"
the enthroned Lumbagan spoke up abruptly, as if returning from a reverie.
"Captain!" He pointed a limber digit at the guard chief. "Escort
the condemned to the courtyard, and give your marksmen some unscheduled target
practice! No need to finish them off in a hurry; just keep peppering away until
they stop twitching."

"Time
to move," Retief said. "Luke—stay out of sight and keep an eye on
Ussh. No matter what happens, stay tuned to him—and don't tip your hand
prematurely."

"What's
your plan, Retief? I'm not at all sure I can control him—"

"No
time for plans; we'll have to play it by ear," Retief said, and thrust the
door wide.

"Hold
everything, gentlemen," he said as all eyes turned toward him. "There
are new dispatches just in from the home front that cast a different complexion
on matters."

For a
moment, total silence gripped the chamber. Then:

"Seize
him!" Ussh snarled. When the guards failed to move, he repeated the order,
in a shout this time.

"Don't
slip out of character, Ussh," Retief said. "You're just a Groaci
VHHP, remember? The troops work for His Putative Highness the
Emperor-to-be."

"Retief!"
Pouncetrifle blurted hastily in Terran. "Run for it, man! The official
comset is in my quarters, at the back of the wardrobe under my golf clubs! Send
out a code three-oh-two—"

"Silence!"
the Imperial candidate yelled, and hesitated.

"Uh—what
about it, Your Highness?" Colonel Suash said hesitantly, still standing
fast. "Is it your Imperial command to nab this foreigner?"

The would-be
emperor's mouth sagged slightly open. His expression was that of someone lost
in thought.

"His
Highness," Ussh said, and paused. He seemed to be struggling silently with
himself.

"Looking
for just the right word, Ussh?" Retief inquired amiably. He turned to the
colonel. "Relax, Suash," he said. "As you can see, His Highness
is having second thoughts on a number of matters."

"Take.
. . ." the emperor said. Retief took a swift step toward Ussh, who
recoiled. "Stand back, Terran!" he hissed.

"Your
Highness?" said Colonel Suash, staring up at the musing figure on the
throne.

"Ughhrrr,"
the royal claimant said, gazing vacantly into space.

"Ah—Your
Highness?" Suash repeated. "In the, uh, absence of any new orders, I
presume I carry out the executions?"

"Just a
minute, Colonel," Retief said. "You Lumbagans don't take orders from
foreigners, do you?"

"Not on
your second-best toupee I don't," the officer snapped. "So don't try
to give me any!"

"By no
means, Colonel. I'm referring to Swarmmaster Ussh, who represents himself as a
Special Appointee of the Groacian High Council."

"I
don't take orders from him either!"

"No,"
Retief said, and pointed to the throne, "but His Would-be Highness
does."

"Wha—?"
The officer half drew his dress sword and turned to the emperor-elect. "Do
you mind if I chop this foreigner down right here, Your Highness, for that
crack he just made about you?"

"Ungunggunggg,"
the enthroned Lumbagan mumbled. His head lolled on his shoulder; his mouth hung
slackly open. Abruptly, he closed it, pulled himself upright.

"We
were just, ah, pondering our next pronouncement," he said briskly, as
Retief took another step toward Ussh, who stood frozen, two eyes canted tautly
toward the throne, the other three hanging limp. At the Terran's advance, he
spun to face him.

"Now,
Colonel. . . ." The emperor-to-be paused, mouth open.

"Yes,
Your Highness?" The colonel watched in dismay as his ruler-presumptive's
expression relaxed into vacuity.

"You might
as well address your remarks to Ussh," Retief advised the officer.
"He's the brains of the operation."

"See
here, Retief," Pouncetrifle spoke up. "The intellectual prowess of
the emperor is no concern of ours—"

"It's
the intellectual prowess of Ussh I'm thinking of at the moment, Mr. Ambassador.
He has a number of rather unusual capabilities."

"Lies!"
Ussh shouted. "Fantasies! The ravings of a disordered imagination! I'll
see you all hanged for disrespect to His Imperial Highness! It's all a plot to
discredit the people's choice, elevated by acclamation to the Lumbagan
throne!" He was interrupted by a slithering sound, followed by a heavy
thump as the emperor slid from the elaborate chair and sprawled full length on
the dias, snoring gently.

"It's a
plot, all right, Ussh—but you're the one behind it," Retief said. "It
wasn't His Imperial Highness who mobilized the troops and took the capital by
storm; it was you."

"Guards!
Shoot them down in their tracks for aggravated lèsé-majesté!" Ussh
shouted.

"What about
it, Colonel?" Retief addressed the guard chief. "Was it our
slumbering host who gave the order to march on the capital?"

"Well—not
personally, of course. General Ussh notified me—but he was simply relaying His
Imperial Highness' commands—"

"Wasn't
it also Ussh who passed along the instructions that organized your unit in the
first place, and handed out the orders regarding the secret laboratory?"

"Here,
that's GUTS classification material you're discussing! "

"Not
any more. You've been taken in, Colonel. Those were all Ussh's ideas—"

"Mr.
Retief!" Ambassador Jith spoke up. "May I remind you that
I
am
principal officer here, and that
I
have given no such instructions to
any member of the Groaci delegation—"

"I'm
sure you haven't, Mr. Ambassador," Retief said. "But Ussh seems to
have taken it upon himself to use your name."

"Very
well!" Ussh hissed suddenly, wheeling to face the irate Groaci, who shrank
back. "Perhaps I
have
employed unconventional methods! But clearly
it's to Groac's advantage to go along with the
fait accompli
! As soon as
the emperor is safely ensconced on his throne, I'm in a position to assure you
that Groac will be the object of very special attentions by His Imperial
Majesty!"

"What's
that?" Colonel Suash roared. "Are you suggesting that the Emperor of
Lumbaga is nothing but a tool of foreign interests?"

"Not at
all, Suash," Ussh hastened to reassure the officer. "Merely that the
new Lumbagan government can rely on the full support of Groac." He turned
back to Jith. "What about it, Your Excellency?" he said urgently.
"You'll agree that it's clearly your duty to support His Highness'
claim—"

"Don't
listen to him, Jith," Pouncetrifle blurted. "You're quite right,
Groac has no business whatever sticking its olfactory organ into Lumbaga's affairs,
especially when I was right on the verge of proposing a well-rounded scheme for
installing a provisional governing committee under Terran sponsorship—"

"You
presume to tell me my duties, Harvey?" Jith cut in chillingly. "As my
subordinate Swarmmaster Ussh so cogently points out, Groacian obligations in
support of formerly exploited peoples require that I put aside ordinary
protocols for the nonce, and—"

"I
don't like it," Suash spoke up. "It sounds to me as if you aliens are
getting ready to slice Lumbaga up among yourselves! Accordingly, as senior
Lumbagan national present, I'm assuming temporary command! And my first act
will be to order the lot of you to the port to embark inside of thirty minutes,
with or without your suitcases!"

"Fool!"
Ussh snarled. "Do you imagine your feeble native regime can survive for a
moment without the sponsorship of Groac? If it weren't for His Highness'
temporary indisposition, he'd have your head off for this!"

"And I
might add, my dear Colonel," Jith whispered piercingly, "that at a
word from me, units of the Groacian Grand Battle Fleet are prepared, if
necessary, to land and restore order here!"

"You
wouldn't dare!" Pouncetrifle quavered, jowls aquiver.

"Would
I not?" Jith contradicted. "I see a great Groacian triumph in the
offing! And now, Colonel," he addressed the officer, "you and your
chaps may withdraw. I'm sure that His Highness will be himself in a
moment—"

The emperor
stirred, sat up.

"Well,
just felt a short nap coming on," he mumbled as he scrambled to his feet.
"Now, you just run along as Jith suggested, Suash, and—"

"How do
you know what he suggested?" Suash snapped back. "You were stone cold
out on the floor!"

"Yes,
well, as to that—"

"He
knows," Retief said, "because Ussh is feeding him his lines."

"Have
you taken leave of your senses, Terran meddler?" Ussh yelled.
"Everyone in the room heard His Imperial Whatsit's cogent comments!"

"Uh-huh—but
you were doing his thinking for him—what there was of it. Unhappily for the
future of empire, you can't think of two things at once. Right now, for
example, you're busy being indignant with me—and your candidate for the crown
is relaxing on the job."

Every head
but those of Ussh and Retief swiveled to regard the figure slumped again on the
throne.

"Heavens!"
Magnan gasped from the sidelines. "You mean we were about to offer our
credentials to a ventriloquist's dummy?"

"Not
quite. He's alive—but when Ussh assembled him, he carefully left out the more
useful portions of the brain."

Suash stared
uncertainly from his potential sovereign to Ussh, who stood with canted
eyestalks in a pose of total concentration.

"If
that's true "

"Nonsense,
Colonel," the Lumbagan emperor-elect said firmly. "I repose the
fullest confidence in Ussh, a marvelous fellow and my most trusted adviser. Now
I think you'd better run along, as we have matters of high state policy to
discuss."

"Don't
go!" Pouncetrifle cried. "Colonel Suash, I call on you in the name of
humanity to remain present! There's no telling what might happen in the absence
of witnesses!"

"I take
orders from His Highness, Terry," Suash snapped. "And he said go.
Accordingly, we're going!" The colonel barked a command. His troops
right-shouldered arms and marched away across the polished floor.

"Retief—do
something!" Pouncetrifle wailed.

"Do
what, Mr. Ambassador?" Ussh inquired in tones of triumph. "His
Highness has spoken! And now"—he paused until the last of the Lumbagan
soldiers filed from the room and the tall doors shut behind them—"and now,
with those trouble-makers out of earshot, on to the disposition of the Terran
spies!" With an abrupt motion, he drew a power pistol from inside his
ornate jacket. "A pity they should happen to be shot down by accident as
they led an attempted assault on His Highness' person, but such are the
tribulations that beset those who would stand in the path of empire."