RETRACE (18 page)

Reeves’ hand finds my chin and tilts my head for our eyes to level. He brushes my hair over my shoulder. He leans lower to lay on his stomach with his face inches from mine. He slowly tilts his head.

And he kisses me.

Everything he is trying to tell me lands in the very core of me with the way his lips touch mine. It’s soft, and gentle, and warm, and airy, and I mirror him with the same suppleness. Dissolving into him. It is our kiss that explicitly puts out there what I’m not willing to acknowledge. I slowly flatter my eyes into his and everything just feels so much better.

When I meet his mouth again and press harder, he rests his palm spread on the center of my stomach and eases me back. He tilts his head, looking at me in a way that makes me shiver inside. Soulful greens caressing every inch of me. He leans back and resumes kissing me, with a slow, feathery touch. Repeatedly. When we slowly ease off, my heart is filled with so much more; it’s saturated with emotion. An instant panic takes over me as the need to tell him how much I care for him takes over.

I couldn’t be more thankful for Reeves’ phone to ring, relieved that he takes the call. I need a moment. I need a moment to process what has taken over me so forcefully. I need to calm my damn speeding heart and mind down.

It takes me a moment to decide whether to take the call, given I’m about to say something to Nia I might regret later. I can feel it in my bones. My emotional stability just left me, she tore me apart, I’m not even sure I know how to deal with it. Taking this call would be the best way to break the intensity we’ve once again fallen into. I couldn’t be more positive Nia felt it too. It can’t be any other way when it’s as strong.

I inwardly shake off the spell and answer. Just like any other time before, as soon as I see Beth’s name across my phone, a pull between warmth and care, guilt and deception, starts to cause riots within me.

“Hey Beth.”

“How have you been, my dear?”

“Fine, busy. Same ol’.” I pause for a beat. “How are you guys doing?”

“We’ve missed you, Reeves. We haven’t seen you for a while.”

I turn to look at Nia who’s watching me. I’m not sure if that glee in her eyes is due to her feasting on my looks, or just watching me, trying to gather who I’m talking to. Frankly, I don’t really care. Whichever it is, the fact that her eyes are
on me
, it’s what really matters.

“Perhaps you could come for dinner on Friday?”

“Beth, can I call you later, I have someone over.”

I’m not too keen on turning this into a long chat, having Nia beside me, especially after the moment we just had.

“Oh, sure. Sure. Anyone I know?”

I return Nia’s gaze and our lips crook up in unison.

“No. She is a new friend of mine. My neighbor.” I add the neighbor part to make sure Nia remains in neutral territory. Why the hell do I keep doing this? Nia’s grimace doesn’t escape me.
What’s wrong with me?

“A new friend? Perhaps you could bring her on Friday?” Beth takes on the mother part too well. She always does. Both in the caring and in the nosy departments.

The next words seem to just fly out of my mouth, not much thinking it over. “Nia, would you like to join me for dinner with friends on Friday?”

Nia’s brows furrow for a short pause. She shrugs and mouths, “Okay.”

My smile expands. Yes, I want her with me there. I want her with me everywhere.

“We’ll both be there,” I say to the phone, watching Nia as she turns to lie on my bed with her olive, lean legs propped on the wall.

“Oh, that’s great. I’m looking forward to seeing you both.” Beth’s soft voice jubilates. “How about seven-ish?”

“Sounds good,” I say before ending the call.

“So who are the friends we are visiting this time?” Nia asks, tilting her head backward to catch my eyes.

“The Evans. Ben’s family.” I slump back on my pillow.

Nia’s look trails to the ceiling above us. “Are you sure you want me there?”

“I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t want you with me.” She drops her head to the side, gazing at me.

“Do you visit them often?”

I nod.

“I have family here, but I haven’t visited them,” she says as though to herself.

“Why’s that?” I ask, shaking her out of her musing.

She scratches her collar bone, pensive. “I’m not sure.” Her nose wrinkles. “The last time I spoke to my aunt was right before leaving home. She told me I should start putting the past in the past and that it’s about time I started to let it go.” She frowns. “Then she gave me a whole lecture about how three years have passed, and that three years is a long time to still be mourning.” She runs her fingers through her hair, brushing away a lock that clings to her cheek. “How can anyone decide what you should, or should not feel, only because a certain time frame has passed?”

“No one can, or should.” I keep quiet even though there’s so much more I could say. She’s opening up to me, I don’t want to do or say anything to draw her back. I’m eager to learn as much as I can about her.

“I think that for the entire first year I was in shock. It felt like I was slipping away from everything I knew. I felt caged in my own head. Somehow I carried myself through the pain.” I send my hand to thread my fingers with hers. “Throughout the second and third year, I went through most of the commonly known stages of loss. And here I am, almost three years after I lost one of the people I loved and probably will ever love the most.”

Her last words strike right through my gut. For so many reasons they leave a burn. Starting from the many similarities we share, to hearing her say she loved someone as much. I’m embarrassed to admit to myself that the sting I just felt was a product of jealousy, of a dead person.

“Three years and there’s still the last stage, the one I can’t seem to embrace. I could never accept it,” she says. “I can’t. I feel so guil—” Her words break. Quicker than I can react, she flings a hand to her mouth and she’s out of the bed. Out of the room. Back to her shell. Shit.

I give her a moment and then follow her. She’s leaning with one hand propped on the kitchen’s marble surface, a glass of water in the other. I take a few steps toward her, stopping when her back is lightly touching my chest. She puts the glass to the counter, sighing. I wrap one hand above her shoulder and pull her back into me. My breath is held until she drops her head to rest on my chest.

“Uh…” She murmurs.

I wrap my other hand around her waist, holding her tight. I kiss the crown of her head. “You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to. Thank you for everything you shared with me today.” A frisson of relief and gratification filters through me as I feel her relax in my arms. We stand in silence, each in our own thoughts for some moments.

“
Thank you
.” Her quiet voice interrupts our pensive silence. She twirls in my arms to face me. “Thank you for listening, and thank you for not pushing me any further.” She inches up on her toes and gently presses her lips to mine.

I tip my head lower, my hand moves to the nape of her neck and I bring her closer. Her tongue meets my lips, stroking, coaxing its entrance. When she kisses me next, it’s nothing sexual, nonetheless, it’s our very first kiss that seeps all the way to my bloodstream. I lightly graze my thumb over the delicate skin of her neck, slowly tasting her sweet mouth. Feelings I’ve never felt before emerge within me, stirring my stomach with warmth. Her hands trace to my shoulders, caressing me with gentle strokes.

I lift her to straddle me and carry her to my bed.

We lie in silence, Nia still in my arms, her head on my chest. I thread my fingers through her soft, silky hair, thinking about things I want to tell her but can’t really let out of my lips. She roams her hand over my stomach leisurely, stopping above my heart.

“I love being in here,” she says, and I swallow the emotions that multiply to the power of ten at the very place her name is still inscribed in black marker. It’s
her
-
my
best source of escapism, in all possible ways.

“Think about it before you answer, man. It could do you good, especially with the new developments,” Jake concludes the last ten minutes of our conversation, suggesting I’d go on a new job now that the A.Z case has taken on full velocity. Elbow leaning on the kitchen counter, dipping my forehead into the heel of my palm, I think about Jake’s offer. A half-drunk coffee cup waits beside me. I’m mulling over being away for such a long time.

“Two months?” I ask again, not sure what it is that makes me feel ambivalent about Jake’s proposal.

“Two, or more, I’ll know for sure later today. Being away right now is the best thing for you.” I hear the sound of the keyboard clicking at the other end. I scrub my morning scurf, more precisely late afternoon stubble, with my head still bowed.

“I’ll think about it.”

“You guys coming later?”

“We wouldn’t miss Carmie on stage for anything.”

“You bet your sweet ass you won’t. She’ll castrate you if you dare.”

“Speaking of emasculating… So the misses eventually moved in, huh?”

“What can I say?” Jake grunts. “She’s my baby momma after all… And she’s fucking crazy… Who can really deal with her?” He sighs in amused surrender. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Hard.

“See ya tonight.”

Pushing myself to the extreme lifting weights, and a long steamy shower later, I head to get ready before picking Nia up from her lesson. She is not expecting me to, but the thought of watching her dance didn’t leave my head since the moment she left this morning.

Tucking my hands inside my camel cargo pockets, I watch Nia smiling at her little people squad’s performance. She seems pleased, calm, and proud. And damn she’s pretty. My eyes trace every inch of her stunning self. She’s wearing one of those black bra look-alike tops and knee length grey sweats. When her eyes pull to me, sensing I’m watching her, her smile widens enough to make my heart jump. A few pigtailed heads turn back to check where their instructor’s attention has diverted. A familiar little redhead sees me and immediately splits class.

Seconds later, when Lily’s small arms circle my thigh in a tight hug, I dip my head to send her a wide smile.

“Hey beautiful.” I lift her into a hug.

“Hi Reeves.” She counters with the widest grin.

“I think Miss Nia will be upset if you don’t get back to your friends.”

She nods. Nia shakes her head with crinkled eyes when Lily takes her place back in the pink troopers circle.

“Hi you,” Nia kisses my cheek as she comes out of the studio, a quarter of an hour later in tight jeans, killer heels, and white, loose halter-top that almost reveals her perky breasts from the sides. I need to hold myself from dropping to my knees at her feet.

“Hi back.” I plant a kiss on the center of her forehead. Why didn’t I kiss her lips? ‘Cause I wouldn’t be able to stop at that. Simple. I help her into her jacket.

“This is a nice surprise.” She hugs my side. I wrap my arm around her shoulder and squeeze her into me.

“Let’s get going, I want to grab something to eat before the show.”

“Hey, Nia, wait.”

We both turn to see a chick with purple hair. Quickly, I recognize her. She’s Nia’s friend. I’ve seen her a couple of times at Jake’s. Oh… yeah. My lips jerk up, she’s the one who made out with another chick the other night. Sweet.

“You guys going to Jake’s?” She is short of breath and adjusts her bag’s strap over her shoulder.

Nia stiffens before answering. “Yeah. Want to join us?” I can swear the last part of her sentence has a reluctant air to it.

Purple-hair chick offers me her hand and a smile. An NC-17 rated smile. “I’m Alex. And you are Reeves.”

I gift her with a friendly nod and return her shake.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while now, but you always seem so busy at the bar.”

My brows pull in, both at her inviting stance, and more at Nia’s sudden rigidity. “Well, you can talk to me now.”

The way she’s checking me out doesn’t go unnoticed. Wasn’t she playing for the other team? We keep walking, my hand lightly at the small of Nia’s back and Alex on my other side.

“Are you seeing anyone?” Alex casually asks. Talk about balls. My eyes squint toward Nia who all of a sudden seems very captivated by the streetlamps ahead. I guess it takes me a bit too long to answer, because it ends with Nia answering for me.

“He is not dating anyone if that’s what you’re asking.”

The annoyance her words emit throws me back.
And…
it’s Nia’s turn to verbally extinguish anything serious happening between us. We are both doing a mighty damn good job in this game of avoiding commitment we are playing. When she does it, it fucking burns.

“I guess I’m not.” I can’t even try to mask my irritation. Alex is either oblivious of the tense exchange, or totally indifferent, as her smile grows wider.

“So can I ask you out?”

Nia accelerates her steps till my hand drops from her back. I take a step forward and grab her hand, tugging her back beside me.

“We can all hang out together. I might not be dating anyone but
there’s someone
,” I say in a clear, iced accord. Nia’s eyes flicker my way, the look we trade next screams volumes.

Alex shrugs, “well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.” I reward her with a side smile.

Carmie doesn’t just perform, she dominates the stage. She rips her audience’s hearts out of their ribcages and collects them in a jar, one by one. Singing a Poison cover with her strong, husky voice, her band dissolves into the background and all eyes are on her.

We are crammed around the closest table to the stage, Nia and some of her friends, Jake, and me. Dylan is somewhere in the back, probably attached to a bottle or a hot chick, or both.

“Wow, she’s amazing,” Nia says next to my ear, eyes wide at Carmie.

“She is,” I confirm, leaning toward her. Our mouths almost touch as she turns my way. We both gasp. In a span of a second everything including Carmie’s alluring voice fades away. Our eyes run in duet to each other’s mouths and back, with each loud thud of my heart we move an inch closer. I tip my head to align with Nia’s lightly quivering, parted lips. Our breaths mix and I can almost feel her soft touch.