Revoltingly Young (32 page)

“
Noel, why is your speech so garbled? Have you been drinking?”

I explained that I had been pummeled mercilessly by the dwarf’s lowlife accomplice.

“
Dammit, Noel, these guys play rough. I hope you landed some good blows yourself.”

“
Not really, but I think I gave him a hell of a dry-cleaning bill. There was blood all over the place–unfortunately all of it mine.”

“
That’s terrible, Noel. Are you all right?”

“
Well, I’m getting better.”

We had to end the conversation there because the new Randy started pounding on the wall.

Besides being airless little boxes, these roomettes offer absolutely no soundproofing. Of course, I hadn’t raised a peep earlier in the evening when my new neighbor was saying good-bye to his girlfriend. They went at it for quite a while, and I was kept fully informed at all times where exactly he was putting it.

We jumped this morning to Billings, the Los Angeles of Montana. This town is so large, it boasts an actual skyline featuring several high-rise buildings. We’re parked pretty far from the city center, so I doubt I’ll be sampling many of its cosmopolitan delights. A short drive from Billings is the spot where General Armstrong Custer lost his scalp to the Indians. Interestingly, General Custer was from the same small town in Ohio as Clark Gable, although Errol Flynn played him in the movie.

I felt well enough to limp to the cookhouse tent for breakfast, where I was served by the new Randy–a pleasant-looking guy named Joe. Didn’t catch his last name, but Mr. Povey was addressing him as “Joe College.” I apologized for the late-night phone call, and he said “no problem.” He may have been sincere too, since the bacon he forked over was nicely lean and crisp. I took a seat beside Vrsula Herczegh, who was most solicitous. It’s nice to have someone blinding beautiful to converse with when you’re feeling lousy and praying each painful bite doesn’t knock out your loose tooth.

Took a shower after breakfast and had a candid look at my naked body (rarely a thrill even for me). My entire gonadal region is tinged a repellent purplish-blue. It could be the biggest bruise in human history. Snapped a photo of it for posterity with my cell phone camera. Hope everything is still working down there. I’ll have to check it out one of these days. Piss is still pink, but growing fainter. We Twisps are built to take abuse.

6:37 p.m. I cleaned all eight donikers on my circuit today. Mr. Patsatzis declared “if you can walk you can work.” My theory is “if you can barely hobble, you can huddle in your hovel,” but the boss man wasn’t buying it. Pretty fatiguing, even if I was rather cursory and slapdash in performing my duties.

Had a chat outside the commissary trailer with Joe College (real name Joe Allis). He’s feeling a bit stunned by the workload, but what really bugs him is having to wear a hairnet. He has quite a crop of wavy black hair that he hates to imprison artificially in such a girlish manner. He feels it is ruining his looks. (The guy may be a bit vain.) He asked Mr. Povey if he could wear a manly baseball cap instead, but that proposal got nixed. Mr. Povey claims health department regulations require standard hairnets, or alternatively, he’s welcome to shave his head. But “bald and proud” is not a lifestyle choice our kitchen helper is willing to consider.

Joe asked me if I wanted to switch jobs, but–not being insane–I declined. He also asked me if Vrsula was my girlfriend. I said I was secretly engaged to Miren, and he was welcome to her sister or Vrsula. I feel it’s wise to work out these territorial issues first thing to avoid possible conflicts later. I’ve fished enough gross contaminants out of my grub.

11:46 p.m. Kardos has exhausted his reefer supply (he’d been buying from Randy), so he brought over a therapeutic bottle of red wine and a stash of paper cups. Not bad and, I suppose, easier on one’s lungs. He has worked out a solution to all of our problems. He proposes that I marry his sister, take over his spot on Orsolya (their star ostrich), and then he will be free to go to Germany to study sanitary engineering.

I told him the offer was tempting, but what was the point of marrying his lovely sister if I was just going to break my neck on some rampaging ostrich? He admitted that male ostriches can be obstreperous, but said his family only travels with tame and sweet-tempered females. He claimed in a week he could teach me everything I’d need to know to perform his riding stunts. I thanked him for the offer, but said I’d rather marry Miren and learn to be an acrobat on the trampoline. At least it doesn’t gallop around at 30 miles an hour. He said fair enough, but how about I sleep with his sister first before I decide?

An intriguing proposal. I asked him if he had discussed the idea with Vrsula. He said no, but he could tell she liked me. All I had to do was give her some encouragement. I asked him how I could do that without pissing off Miren. He said it wouldn’t be a problem as European girls were used to their boyfriends sleeping around.

The whole thing sounded semi-plausible to my wine-steeped brain, but now I’m not so sure. Besides, I just saw Vrsula loitering on the ring curb with Joe College. Now there’s a guy who doesn’t let any cobwebs grow on his unit. Perhaps that’s why he flunked out.

SUNDAY, September 18 – Another middle-of-the-night phone call from Veeva. I climbed down out of my bunk and took my phone outside so as not to disturb my neighbor. Veeva caught a train south from Paris and is now staying in a youth hostel in Albi. She says the French countryside is amazingly beautiful this time of year. I told her Montana was not bad either. She’s located the office where the district birth records are kept and will be going there when they open tomorrow. In the meantime, she’s been sucking Euros out of bank ATMs in anticipation of her parents guillotining her credit card. She says Albi looks like a much nicer place to be from than “boring L.A.” If it proves to be her birthplace, she intends to look into obtaining dual U.S.-French citizenship in case she decides someday to reside in France. I hope she doesn’t, since that’d be pretty far to travel for my yearly incest quota. She was up for chatting some more, but I told her I was freezing my balls off and rang off.

9:12 a.m. It’s all coming together. Notes have been smuggled back and forth, and I’ve persuaded Kardos to lend me his credit card. Sunday morning in Billings: time for a true religious experience.

2:17 p.m. Miren and I arrived at the sexually suggestive Bighorn Inn just after 10 a.m. She was wearing her lace head scarf and carrying her Bible. The motel is located near the campus of Montana State; so the desk clerk may have been used to young people appearing at all hours of the day and night without much luggage. I told him we needed a room for “Bible studies.”

“
Single or double?” he asked.

“
What?”

“
Do you need a single bed or double beds?”

“
Uh, single,” I blushed.

He assigned us a non-smoking room on the second floor, and I paid him $68.40 in very hard-earned cash. He didn’t even require a credit card, although he did ask me if I’d been in some kind of accident.

I told him I was a lion tamer with the circus and had been mauled recently by one of my “big cats.” I don’t think he believed me.

Both Miren and I were pretty nervous when we got to the room. We kicked off our shoes and crawled into bed fully clothed. I told her I loved her very much, and she said I was the nicest boy she’d ever met. We kissed and gradually peeled off each other’s layers. Just as I suspected, Miren has quite delectable breasts: rather large and nicely firm with compact rosy nipples. While I was getting acquainted with them, she pulled off my underwear, but I told her not to look at my body.

“
Why not, Jake?”

“
The bruises are too revolting.”

Of course, then she had to see for herself. She tugged back the covers, looked at my crotch, and was visibly appalled. Not exactly the Romeo and Juliet moment one anticipates on such occasions.

“
We should have insisted you go to the hospital, Jake. Those injuries look serious.”

“
It’s not as bad as it looks, Miren. See, things are still working.”

“
Will it hurt if I touch it?”

“
I’d say it will hurt more if you don’t.”

Things eventually reached quite a frenzied state, and Miren inquired about birth control. I told her I’d brought along some condoms, but asked if she really wanted me to use one.

“
What do you mean, Jake?”

“
Well, I thought we could make a nice baby and get married.”

“
What!?”

I told her about my conversation with her sister and Nerea’s plan to bring me into the Lurrieta family. Miren laughed and said no she does not want to have my child and get married. She said I should just ignore her sister, who thinks she can run Miren’s life because she (Nerea) is the elder by 14 minutes. Miren intends to go to college and study literature. She says any babies coming along in the next few years in the Lurrieta family will be due to her boy-crazy sister not her.

I suppose I felt mostly relieved by that news. We got the condom on and went at it. Unlike with Veeva, it slipped right in without any hindrance. All of Miren’s body is incredibly toned, so she was able to do things with her pelvic muscles that are probably illegal in most states. Even though it hurt sometimes to move, I had an orgasm that detonated all the way up to the tips of my ears. Miren seemed to be having a good time too, especially on the second go-around when I lasted longer.

Afterwards, we lay there together for as long as we dared. She told me about her childhood in Spain and I told her about growing up in rural Nevada. The one thing we have in common is that we both spent most of our lives living in trailers or caravans. Of course, Miren traveled around in hers, while mine was going nowhere fast. Miren snuggled against me and said she loved the way we fit together. I kissed her and tried not to think how transitory our connection may be. I suppose we could think about going to the same college–assuming I had the money and grades to get into one. It’s a real pain trying to do anything major in life when you’re only 15. It’s hard to follow your dreams when you’re swabbing toilets for peanuts and on the lam from the cops.

When we turned in the key at the motel office, Miren picked up a complimentary newspaper from a stack on the counter. A boxed story on the bottom of page one caught my eye: “Hearse Hijacker Nabbed in L.A.”

Yeah, they nailed Carlyle at last. They arrested him in City Hall while he was attempting to obtain a marriage license under a false name. The clerk got suspicious when he pulled out a giant roll of money and peeled off a $100 bill. When the cops grabbed him, he was found to be in possession of $7,300 in cash and wearing several thousand dollars worth of chunky gold jewelry. He’d also had a fancy diamond and platinum grillwork installed in his front teeth and now has quite the dazzling smile. The bride-to-be was a 17-year-old whose name was withheld because she’s a minor.

Carlyle just proved my point. He followed his dream and look where it got him.

8:45 p.m. I finally got through to Stoney. She said all of Winnemucca is in an uproar over the arrest of the town’s favorite son. She heard on the grapevine that Mrs. Carlyle Bogy-to-be is expecting a little surprise. I’m sure it will be with Carlyle as the father. No, she hasn’t heard if Carlyle’s intended is black, but that’s what everyone assumes. She said Carlyle is facing a battery of charges and may not get out of jail until his kid is in the fourth grade. We agreed that could be a blessing in disguise for both the mom and the kid.

I told her about my interlude in Billings with Miren. Stoney said she has no faith in my taste in women and could only hope Miren wasn’t another bitch goddess like Uma. I assured her that was not the case, and that we were very compatible.

Speaking of which, Stoney has figured out the cause of her sexual problems. Scott had been putting too much of himself into the act and kept banging into her cervix (whatever that is). Things have improved in that department since he’s been exercising some restraint.

“
Uh, how big is that guy?” I asked.

“
I’d say he’s just over the line into the freak category, Noel. Just my luck I have to get stuck on the biggest stud around.”

“
He’s bigger than Tyler?” I asked, incredulous.

“
Oh, way bigger. No comparison really.”

Damn, I hope Uma knows what she’s letting herself in for.

Stoney said she’s been dressing nice and putting on her make-up every day. Since she started associating with Scott and his crowd, her popularity quotient has gone way up at Winnemucca High. Girls who used to look past her like she was invisible or a stain on the wall now say hi to her in the hallways. Some have been encouraging her to try out for cheerleader.

“
God, Stoney,” I exclaimed, “your life has been totally transformed!”

“
Yeah, Noel, I guess it has. But one thing hasn’t changed.”

“
What’s that?”

“
I still want to murder my mother and buy a Harley with the insurance money.”

MONDAY, September 19. I’ve been thinking things over. I have now slept with 2-1/2 chicks. (I’m only counting Uma as half since we didn’t go all the way.) People might think I’m wantonly promiscuous, but I truly and deeply care for all those girls. I’m willing to marry them in this order: Miren, Uma, Veeva, and Vrsula. I put the last one on the list in case the other three fall through. Veeva might rank higher than Uma if it weren’t for the incest issue. I’m really pissed at Uma; I’ve been checking my e-mail regularly on Jin’s computer and she hasn’t once bothered to write. I mean
what
is going on with that chick?