Rewired (The Progress Series) (19 page)

“Shit. We let the fire burn out,” Charlie said, peeking out the window while clearing the table.

“That’s okay. I’m pretty tired, with all the stuff we’ve done in the past twenty-four hours,” he said, yawning. “But today was definitely a good day.”

She looked over her shoulder from the sink and saw Jesse stretch. His body was so different from a month ago. When he’d first returned to Minnesota, he was pale and thin, almost sickly. But at that moment, when she let herself watch him from afar, his hands pulled above his head and his legs stretched forward, he was a different man. She had taken something from him when she left him that long ago night—something she would’ve never predicted.

A comfort.

That’s all it took; he needed someone to stay. He needed someone to love him completely and vow they’d never leave. And in looking at him this night, while he was relaxed and knew no harm would come to him, her epiphany came.

That’s all he needed all along. It wasn’t a shoulder to cry on. It wasn’t someone to cure his depression. It wasn’t a mother or a father or a psychiatrist. It was just me.

He wanted to believe that he was ready for someone
like
me. He wanted to fall in love; he’s wanted it for a long time. And I happened to be the only one left standing that refused to let him push me away. This whole thing has been a test. Our entire relationship has been based on a challenge he created in order to see how I’d react.

So I’ll let him believe it, if that’s what he needs. If this is the only way I can help him, I will. Because I do love him. I do.

“Ready for bed?” he asked.

She nodded. “Yeah, sleep sounds good.”

He smiled and trotted up the steps, a different man than he had been less than a day ago. And she followed after him, determined to do whatever it took for him to believe in her.

*

Rolling over in bed the next morning, Jesse found Charlie sitting up, sipping a cup of coffee. “Rough night?” he asked.

“Why do you ask that?”

“You were talking in your sleep again.”

Shit.

“What did I say? ‘Again,’ what do you mean?” Trying to remain calm, she set her coffee cup down on the floor.

“I can’t be sure, a lot of it was garbled,” he said with a yawn. After thoroughly rubbing his eyes, he continued. “But I’m pretty sure you said you were madly in love with me and wanted to have my babies,” he murmured, trying to keep a straight face.

Charlie rolled her eyes and playfully tossed a pillow at him.

“Well, you keep doing what you did to me yesterday, and we just might
have
to worry about that.”

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, catching the scent of the residual perfume that always seemed to lie just beneath her skin.

“You know, it’s funny,” he started.

“What?”

“I’ve wasted so much time searching for the next girl I’d take to bed with me every night…” He kissed her neck softly and she tensed. “…But I should have been trying to find the girl I wanted to wake up next to.”

*

They spent most of the day lounging inside, as Charlie’s burn still hadn’t faded. Jesse went for another ride and Charlie napped on the couch. Taking two weeks off from her job wouldn’t help her workload when she returned on Monday, but a weekend at the cabin was perfect for storing up any energy she’d need for the busy summer months.

Later that evening, they walked out to the campfire with a blanket and pillow. Moving one of the strategically placed stumps aside, Charlie then threw the blanket over the grass and sat down to light a cigarette.

A blue hummingbird swarmed around Jess as he sat down beside her. He swatted it away, at first thinking it was an insect, but Charlie grabbed his arm. “Wait. It’s a hummingbird.”

Jesse’s eye found the creature hovering in the air in front of him. They both watched in awe as the body of the bird shifted from blue to purple in the reflection of the setting sun.

“Did you know that hummingbirds are the only group of birds able to fly backwards?” she asked in a whisper.

“No. I didn’t know that.” He shook his head.

“Yep. Some of them can flap their wings up to one hundred times a second.”

They watched as the bird jerked forward, flying to just a few feet in front of them. Charlie smiled as its flight danced, first in front of her and then bobbing over to Jess, frozen in midair for over a minute.

“How do you know so much about hummingbirds?” he asked suddenly, jolting the bird to speed away and perch on a nearby oak tree.

“I’ve always retained little pieces of useless information. You know, the stuff you can throw out from time to time to make you seem smarter than you really are.” She winked.

“Ah, like the frogs.”

She giggled. “Yeah, like the frogs,” she replied, glancing at Jesse’s smile.

“Have you saved any more of them in the past year?” he asked.

She looked back toward the water and grinned. “Not yet.”

“I suppose with your fancy job, you don’t have time for the volunteer stuff anymore.”

She hesitated with her answer, amused at the parallels spoken and unspoken in the past few minutes. She shook her head and took a drag from her cigarette.

Jess glance over at Charlie, staring at her red shoulders. “How’s the burn?”

“Fine, until you mentioned it.” She laughed.

He smiled. “Wanna go for a swim? It will cool you down.”

“Sure.”

After jumping into the water, Charlie resurfaced and wiped the water from her face. Jesse was already bouncing around and trying to splash her.

“When are you going to tell me about your time in foster care?” she asked, halting his playful mood instantly.

“I don’t know. When are you going to talk about your dad?”

All the air escaped from her lungs and she tried to swallow.

“Jesus, I’m sorry Charlie. I didn’t mean to ask that.” He took a step closer.

After taking a breath, she spoke quietly. “I didn’t know you wanted to hear about that.”

“I didn’t. I mean… It must have been hard for you, but I didn’t want you to talk about it if you weren’t ready.” He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “It’s the same for me.”

She thought carefully before responding, knowing this might be the moment of his confession. “No life goes without tragedy.” She paused, contemplating her phrasing. “We all have at least one event for which people could pity us.” His jaw set and he looked toward the water. “And we have a choice,” she continued. “We can stand back and let people offer their shoulders, or we can look up and laugh at the moon.”

They stood silent, watching the sun breach the horizon and the stars begin to make their appearance. Once she knew the time was about to close for any further conversation on the subject, she began speaking again.

“I loved my dad,” she said, “more than anything.”

Jess walked to her side and grabbed her hand under the water.

“He was the only man in my life that gave me hope. He was gentle, kind, and loved my mom more than anything.” She felt her chin begin to quiver and took a breath, keeping the emotion down in the pit of her stomach. “They were best friends, he and my mom. And I always thought… I always dreamed that one day I’d meet someone like him. But guys like Dad are scarce. I had begun to think he was one of a kind. And that I’d never meet someone who could love me the way he loved her.” Her sniff turned into a giggle. “Did you know that he still slapped her ass every time she walked by him? Yep, after thirty years of marriage, the make-out sessions, the cuddling, the heated conversations about bills, life, all of it…they still had it. Their commitment and love for each other was unparalleled. And the only experiences I had with the male population outside of Dad were ones filled with anger, hate, abuse, and bullying.” She wiped her nose and nodded in shame. “I think sometimes I even held that against him.”

Jesse kept his head down and their fingers locked.

Her head flooded with images of her father—his smile, his warmth and generosity—and she couldn’t stop the tears from mounting. Before long, she was sobbing into Jesse’s chest, reliving the last hour she’d had with her father. “I’d do anything,” she cried, “anything to spend one more day with him.” Between wails, she continued. “I’d tell him thank you. I’d tell him I loved him. I’d tell him I don’t know what I’m doing. And I’d ask him if he was proud of me.”

“Shhh. Hush now. Come on, let’s go back to the fire,” Jess whispered as he guided her to shore.

She unclasped her hand from his on the walk back and shook her head. “Sorry,” she said, wiping her swollen eyes and sniffling. “That wasn’t fair.”

“Don’t, Charlie. Just sit.” He gestured to the blanket and Charlie sat, trying to gain composure.

“Want me to get the s’mores stuff?” she asked abruptly, rising back to her feet again.

“Knock it off, Charlie. Sit.”

She sat down and he wrapped his arm around her. “Ouch,” she mumbled.

He laughed. “You sit here, and I’ll go and get the lotion and some water.”

She nodded and he walked to the cabin.

Way to go, Charlie. This was supposed to be about Jesse wanting to talk about his shit, not you spewing out all of yours. Stupid. Stupid.

“Here,” he said, returning and handing her a bottle. “Take off your shirt.”

“Don’t have to ask me twice.” She giggled, trying to lighten the mood.

“Right. Like I’m going to be able to touch you for the rest of the weekend? Something kinda kills it for me when chicks are constantly yelling ‘Ouch.’”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bombard you with all that stuff. I guess I haven’t really talked to anyone about it since it happened.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and his body went rigid. “Not even Sam?”

Her head bowed as she grimaced. “No. Not even Sam. I distracted myself with my job, and I guess I really wasn’t ready to deal with it all until now. So, thanks for being here.”

He kissed her lightly on the cheek.

“Ouch.” She winced.

“You’re welcome,” he said with a laugh.

The night was coming to a close and they had to drive back in the morning. Jesse didn’t talk about his time in foster care, and she knew she couldn’t bring it up again without causing a fight. She had no choice but to let it go and let it resurface another time, when he was ready.

Sunday came and went. After driving home, Charlie spent most of the day organizing her laundry to get ready for the work week, and Jesse spent most of his day watching Charlie.

She woke in Jesse’s bed Monday morning and her phone buzzed. Blindly sweeping her hand across the nightstand, she grabbed it.

A text from Samuel.

I’m ready. I can meet you today. Text me when and where.

Her breath caught and her heartbeat throbbed in her throat. But as quickly as the excitement of his words came to fruition, it dissipated. This thing with Jesse wasn’t temporary; in fact, she didn’t see an ending anytime soon. She was in too deep and she knew she couldn’t abandon him. Not now. Maybe not ever.

Reluctantly, she reached for the keypad on her phone to tap in the words:

Java Coffee Shop. Eagan. Noon. I can’t stay long – working today.

“Who was it?” Jesse asked.

As Charlie threw the phone on the floor, she murmured, “No one.”

*

Samuel walked into the coffee shop and Charlie tried to straighten her posture, finding the courage she knew was inside of her. Seeing Samuel made it better, and then made it worse.  As his eyes searched the room for her and met her smile, his forehead was pained with worry.

He slowly made his way to her table and offered a small smile.

“Hi. Thanks for meeting me. I have so much to say.” She smiled, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Here, I got you a coffee. One sugar.”

He sat down at the seat across from her. “Before you begin, there’s something I have to say too.” He looked down at the table and took a short pause before taking his seat. Tension filled the space between them, and Sam looked stiff and unrested.

“Okay. Go ahead,” she said.

“First of all, it’s nice to see you.” A small smile crept up. “It’s actually a lot harder to see you than I thought it would be. Then again, it could be because I have been trying to block your face from my psyche for the past few weeks. And failing.”

She frowned and looked away.

Noticing her reaction, he spoke again quickly. “Sorry, that was obviously a bad attempt at a joke. I’m okay, Charlie. I mean, I’m not
really
okay, but I’m surviving. It’s been really hard not being with you,” he continued, now frowning, “and being angry with you. And trying to forget about you. And imagining you with…someone else.” His head sloped and his hands were fisted on the tabletop. Shaking his head, he paused. “I need to know why you left that night. The night of the ceremony. Where did you go?”