Rewrite Redemption (22 page)

“Ha, ha, made you hope, loser!” 

I hauled myself up off the ground. I needed to leave in case they came my way, but I didn’t know what to do. I certainly was in no shape to handle going back to class. I figured I might as well go home. Home…yeah,
that’s
a fun place. I’ll go
there
to get cheered up. Have a nice chat with the parents. Play guitar with Devon. See my little sister.
I wish.
I headed there anyway.

I had nowhere else to go.

The afternoon went by slowly. I didn’t see or sense him for the rest of the day. I wondered where he went and what would happen the next time I saw him. Mostly, I just obsessed on what happened in the hallway. And funny, obsessing seemed to help me ease into post-hoodie life. I forgot to be invisible. I answered people who spoke to me. If someone said “hi” to me, I said “hi” back.

I knew I looked way different than I had in the hoodie and the glasses. I’d finally looked in the mirror a few times since the makeover. Not that I was suddenly any beauty queen, but even I could see that I wasn’t the scrawny, little freak I’d been in middle school. I wasn’t beautiful like Lex, but I wasn’t exactly ugly either. Besides, guys at school were staring at me as if I was—you know—a normal girl. Ipod would call that evidence.

Maybe I hadn’t made the best impression when I met Constantine. But if Lex was right and he was like me, he might understand my confusion. Because, strangely enough, I was beginning to entertain the thought that a guy might actually like
me
. For one thing, if he was like me, then I could get to know someone without having to worry about my secret. And if he was like me, maybe he wouldn’t think I was strange.

Of course, what I wanted…what we
all
wanted was answers. I knew that. That’s what meeting him was really about. But as the afternoon passed by, I realized that there was something more going on. Something inside of me had woken up and taken interest in a way I’d never felt before. I certainly didn’t tell Lex, but after what happened in the hallway, I started thinking about Constantine as more than a source for answers. I started thinking about him as a guy.

Imagine that.

I cued up some metal to get moving. Not my fave, but anger trumps hopelessness, and I marched home to the beat of a wildly, angry drummer.

It kept me from thinking.

Almost.

My body moved mechanically forward in a state of witless, clueless, human autopilot. My shades blocked the sun. But I couldn’t avoid the fresh air of a perfect, spring day, slamming into my face, mocking me. The sun here was frickin relentless. Didn’t it ever just cloud up and rain? What was
wrong
with this place?

I needed rain…a heavy, pounding Seattle rain, to wash off the dark cloud that clung to me like Velcro. I kicked a rock that flew to the side and hit the tire of a parked car. I kicked another, with equal ferocity, but it just went into the road. A woman, passing by, smiled at me, and I scowled. She looked startled.

Whatever!
I just kept stomping home.

Well, stomping to the house my family lived in, while we were waiting to implode. This sun soaked place wasn’t home. And my family was no longer a family. So far, I’d been the odd man out, the only one still having a foot in the real world. Thoughts of A.J. had given me something good to focus on. That gone, I was ready to plunge into the abyss and let it take me down with the rest of them.

Halfway home, I realized if I walked in the door now, my mom would know I’d skipped and have an unfair advantage if we got into an argument—which was highly likely, given my current state. I turned around abruptly and headed back downtown. The abyss could wait. I didn’t feel like losing anything else at the moment, even a fight with my mom. Besides, she had enough to stress about without me adding more.

I might be hopeless, but I’m not heartless.

My backpack was still leaning against the school building, where I’d hunched down, trying to sooth the ache in my gut. I considered retrieving it, but not for more than a second. My ripped out heart lay bleeding beside it. Screw it. I didn’t need either of them. I just kept walking.

Let Ipod explain what was happening to her. Let him teach her how to handle her power, the squirrelly, little geek. We’d see how that turned out. I was done with girls, done with school, done with trying to pretend things were okay. I didn’t need her. I didn’t need anybody. I’d figure out a way to save Devon on my own, without her precious, Shadow powers. I’d beg the Guild to reconsider. I’d give up asking for my travel block to be cancelled, accept permanent censure. I’d become their slave for life, if only they’d help me put my family back together. That’s what really mattered. Then I’d find a deep hole somewhere and crawl inside.

I didn’t need A.J. Jones.

A brief ghost of her eyes looked up at me, haunting; causing an ache that filled my whole body. I saw her in the moonlight…

I slapped that image out of my head and closed a steel box around it, locking it tight. I needed some kind of distraction. I caught a bus to Twenty-Ninth Street and sat through two showings of a movie I barely watched. At least it was dark and the theater was practically empty. I wasted the rest of the afternoon roaming the Pearl Street Mall.

Finally, beat and ravenous, I bought a hot dog, scarfed it down in three bites, and then got another, dripping with yellow mustard. Rage works up an appetite, but food soaks the anger up a little, so your brain can function again.

Earlier, I’d been wicked angry—angry that lately, nothing ever seemed to work out for me. Angry that I’d screwed up. Angry that my family was falling apart and that I had to leave Seattle and my redwood. Angry that I’d let myself get so wrapped up in some girl, when we’d never even had a conversation. What a moron. What was
wrong
with me? I sure as heck didn’t know.

And I was angry about that too.

But since a few hours had passed, and my stomach was full, the anger was burning out or at least diminishing. Besides it was hard to stay pissed off with the taste of mustard in my mouth. I slumped back against the bench, totally wiped out. At that point, I was mostly confused.

Something
had happened in the hallway. I was sure of that. But when I saw A.J. and Ipod lying there together, nothing made sense anymore.

Now I didn’t know what to think.       

It had to have been a melding. It was exactly how it was described in the footnote. I saw into her world. My vibrations matched hers completely. I knew how
I
felt and what had happened to me. But A.J. was snuggling up to Ipod minutes later. He was stroking her hair. That wouldn’t be happening if she’d just felt that kind of connection to me. She’d be thinking about
me
.

I tried to remember if the footnote said that melding could work in a one-sided fashion. That would suck. Could I be all hung up on a girl who loved someone else? How lame would that be?

I wasn’t in love.
What
had I been thinking? I’d let myself get sidetracked with this girl, getting all emotionally involved. The melding had complicated that even more. But it didn’t control me. No matter what, I had to fix my family. That meant I had to think this out…do it right. I needed to suck it up, get her to help me, and then move on.

During the melding, when the images had been whizzing past, there had been scenes with her and Ipod. Now that I stopped and thought about it, I could have sworn there was one where they were sleeping side by side. They were a little younger, maybe, but she had her arm around him. They were together. I had to accept that.

I got up and tossed my hotdog wrapper in the trashcan. School had let out hours ago, and the mall had gotten crowded and loud. I needed some peace and quiet which meant I certainly didn’t want to go home yet. The home scene was sure to be in full-scale warzone.

I walked to the park on Thirteenth Street and found the oldest tree there. After pulling some energy to take the edge off, I sat there until the sun sank into the mountains just trying to make sense of it all.

But no frickin dice!

Finally, I gave up and hauled my ass home.

 “Earth to A.J.…helloooo.” Lex waved her hands in front of my face.

“Sure,” I answered, staring at her blankly.

“Sure?” She laughed. “I just said ‘I’m running off to join the army, want to come?’ And you say sure? Whoa, you’ve got it bad! I don’t believe it. Our little A.J. has a crush.”

We were in the tree-house living room. Ipod was playing Portal 2. I was slumped there beside him on the sofa, watching. I’d been inside my head again, lost in thought about you know who. “I’m just tired,” I lied. “I was spacing out on Ipod’s game. It’s kinda hypnotic.”

“Give her a break, Lex,” Ipod said. He paused his game and grinned at me. “Can’t you see she’s in love?” He drew the word out like we did in grade school.

“I’m not in love,” I protested. “I barely met the guy.”

“Hey, sometimes it hits you like a bolt of lightning,” Lex said. “Constantine and A.J., sitting in a tree…” She wrapped her arms around herself and made kissing sounds. “Shrink Five told me this day would come.”

“Yeah, Shrink Five also told you that love doesn’t work like that. That’s why you were keeping the whole Jason Jackson thing on the down low. You need shared experiences. You need time. I’m not in love. I’m just kinda, I don’t know, preoccupied.”

Lex smirked. “You like him. You
like
, like him.”

“You guys need to rein it in,” I said. “I’m taking a shower.” I grabbed my pajamas and headed for the door.

“K. I. S. S. I. N. G.,” sang Lex.

“Not likely,” I called from the porch.

Whatever! I’d had my private, little crushes before on guys who never knew I was alive. But I’d never done more than watch them from behind my hoodie. They were always my secrets. Lex and Ipod had never seen me show interest in a guy before. They didn’t really know what to do with it. Unfortunately, they were choosing to act like we were five.

I crossed the bridge to the big house and hopped in the shower. I wanted to clear my head. Okay, so something had happened in the hallway. Maybe for a few minutes, I felt some kind of connection, but I wasn’t dumb enough to think that was love. I mean, I knew stuff about this guy, but I didn’t
know
him. I needed to get a grip. I stood under the shower until the hot water ran out.

But the thoughts of Constantine stayed.