Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5) (15 page)

Her nostrils were filled with the foul odor of The Fed and she was flooded with panic, chilled by the fear of how far they would have gone to try to make her talk if Jack had been there too. Caroline put her head in her lap and started pulling at her hair.

Jack knelt down in front of her and put his hands on her knees. “Breathe, sweetheart. Calm down. Clear your mind.” He tipped her chin until they were face to face. “Look at me,” he said. “Focus on where you are. You’re safe. No one can hurt you.”

Caroline pulled him toward her, burying her nose in his neck and smelling his familiar clean scent. A faint hint of his cologne. She tried to eradicate the mildewed stench of her cell from her mind, reminding herself that Jack was here. With her. Alive and well, unspoiled and intact. After a minute or two she released his shirt from her grip.

“Please don’t talk about what would have happened if we’d both been there,” she whispered.

He sat on the couch and put his hand on her back. “I won’t mention it again.”

She wiped her eyes. “You did what you had to do. It was the only viable option.”

Jack pulled the chain with her wedding ring on it out of his shirt and rubbed it. “I owed you more than that. Much more.”

Caroline placed her hand over his, happy when he let her take the chain and tuck it back under his collar. “How do we get past this guilt?” she asked.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know. But we can’t do it away from each other. You know that.”

One of the few things she’d probably always known. “I can’t do this alone.” She took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. “I want to be with you. I do.”

He smiled. “I want to be with you too. And I’ll help you with whatever you need. We’re going to get through this, no matter what it takes.”

She felt compelled to warn him. One heartfelt conversation wouldn’t be nearly enough to exorcise the demons. “I might say awful things to you. I might break things. I might-”

“Don’t worry about that. Just be secure in the fact that no matter what you do, I’m here. Okay?”

“Okay.” Caroline blinked rapidly, mortified at her behavior. “I should not have groveled like that.”

Jack hung his head. “That was hard to see. I feel terrible that I drove you to it.”

“I have free will. I did it myself. Begging at a man’s feet. Jesus Christ.”

“It goes against everything you believe in. But I’m ashamed to say part of me found it flattering. Even if it did scare the shit out of me.”

It scared the shit out of her too. The entire incident had. “I’m totally embarrassed by it.”

“Don’t be. It made me feel like you still want me.”

Caroline tried not to sound offended. “You were turned on by that?”

“Not in the slightest. But it reminded me that you really don’t hate my guts.”

“I never hated you, Jack.”

“Did your best to fool me.”

He was most likely kidding but Caroline frowned at him anyway. “Now you’re making me feel bad.”

Jack put his arm around her. “Don’t feel bad. Just promise me you won’t do it again. You’re too proud to lower yourself like that for any reason.”

A promise she could very easily keep. “It won’t happen again.”

He smiled. “And don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

Caroline leaned into him. “You better not.”

“I love you, sweetheart.” He squeezed her tighter. “I know it’s more than want. You need me as much as I need you.”

“I do,” she whispered. “Marriage makes you do crazy things. Things you never thought you’d ever do.”

“Like throw yourself at your husband’s feet?”

She lowered her head. “Yes.”

He brushed a kiss across her hair. “I’m sorry it happened that way but I’m glad you told me. I needed to know how much you need me. Very badly.”

Caroline leaned in for another hug. She wanted to bridge that physical distance between them, more so than the emotional. “I know you did. I’m sorry it took so long to admit it to you.”

“We’re both a little stubborn sometimes,” Jack said softly. “But fortunately we still know when to shut up.”

“Is that a hint?”

He hugged her. “Yeah.”

They lay on the couch tangled up in one another, finally realizing that place where words weren’t necessary. After a few minutes Jack yawned.

Caroline laughed. “Getting tired?”

“No,” he said. “I want to do this for a while longer, if you don’t mind.”

She sank into his chest, wanting to melt into the moment, but he leaned forward and picked the silver frame up off the table. “I do love this picture.” He kissed the top of her head. “What do you see when you look at it?”

“I see a confident woman,” she whispered. “A loving man. I see perfect happiness. The kind I thought I’d never have. And I wonder if it was all a lie.”

“Why would it have been a lie?”

She sat up. “I thought about you a lot when I was away from you.”

He smiled. “That’s nice.”

“I’m not sure it is. Almost all I focused on was sex.”

His smile got bigger. “I fail to see the issue.”

His irreverent humor was sweet but he was missing the point. “Was that all we had, Jack? The physical connection? Once things got hard we drifted. And look at us now. We can’t even talk to each other.”

“You’re saying sex might make things better? I’m willing to try it.”

Caroline smacked him on the arm. “Be serious.”

“You did say you’d do
anything
if I stayed.”

She leaned into his shoulder. “You’re not allowed to use my own words against me.”

Jack laughed. “For now, I guess.”

“Not ever. That statement was made during a weak moment and you’re not allowed to take advantage of it.”

“I promise I won’t.” He brought the picture frame in front of her face. “Are we having sex in this photo?”

She tried not to think of how the cameraman would have reacted if they had. “No.”

“What are we doing?”

“We’re laughing. Enjoying each other’s company. Loving each other.”

“Do you really think all we had was sex?”

“I don’t know.” The laugh in her chest faded away and Caroline started to cry again. “I don’t know what we had.”

“None of that.” Jack brought her closer to him. “Do you know how much I missed you when I thought you were gone? It wasn’t because of the sex, although I had my fair share of dreams about that too. It was the conversations we had, the way you made me laugh, the way you made me feel about myself. We were friends first, sweetheart. Remember?”

She smiled. “Yeah.”

“And you liked that?”

“Seeing you was the best part of my day.”

“Don’t feel guilty because of what we had or because of who you were. Are you sure you were thinking about the sex for shallow reasons?”

“What do you mean?”

“What prompted those memories?”

You. Always you
. “I remembered them because they made me feel safe. You made me feel safe. And wanted.”

“How do you feel now?”

“Not safe.”

“Let’s work on that.”

But I do feel wanted. Very much so. And it scares me.
“I’m not the same woman I was before, physically or mentally. You used to take so much pleasure in my body and it’s not the same, Jack.”

“You’re so beautiful, sweetheart. I shouldn’t have made that awful remark.”

“I have a lot of scars,” Caroline whispered, unconsciously rubbing her arms. “Ugly, ugly scars. Not just on my wrists. I don’t-”

“I love you no matter what you look like.” Jack placed his hands over hers. “Hasn’t my behavior the past few months demonstrated that? I’ve wanted you back since the minute you got here.”

“I know. But you haven’t seen – you don’t know what they did to me.”

“Tell me.” He stiffened. “They didn’t-”

He remained worried about sexual assault despite her reassurances. “No. I was telling you the truth. They never did that. The threat was there, but it was never acted upon. But I can barely look at myself,” she said. “My wrists-”

Jack kissed her hand. “Your wrists are healed. They’re just marks, Caroline. They can’t pierce your heart unless you let them.” He moved his lips to her wrist before tracing the outline of the numbers on her forearm. “Isn’t it getting easier to look at them?”

“I guess.”

“You haven’t been wearing long sleeves since you got out of the hospital. Not since the first couple of days after you were discharged.”

She hadn’t really thought about it. His apartment was warm. “It’s not just my wrists. It’s the rest of my body. It’s so – I’m mangled, Jack. I’m a mangled mess and I know you won’t want to touch me.”

He pulled back and she knew she’d said something wrong. “What is it?” she whispered.

“Do you think I’m that shallow?” he asked. “That I wouldn’t desire you anymore because you look different?”

“No. I would never think that of you.” Jesus, there were still things that were hard to admit. “I don’t want you to blame yourself when you see them, that’s all. Promise me you won’t.”

He frowned. “I can’t make that promise.”

“Try,” she said. “Please.” She bit back another wave of emotion. “I need you not to blame yourself, otherwise it might mess with my head more than the scars do.”

Jack cupped her face in his hands. “You are beautiful. Do you hear me? You are beautiful because of who you are. Who you have always been. I don’t care what you look like, even though I think you’re internalizing your injuries a bit too much.”

“I
am
ugly inside. You were right.”

“No, I wasn’t. You are a strong, beautiful, incredible woman, inside and out. I wish I could show you how you appear to me. How I felt the first time I realized you were still alive. When I held you in my arms.” He closed his eyes. “It was stunning.
You
are stunning.”

“I don’t feel particularly stunning.”

Jack pressed his thumb to her lips. “There’s so much light in you, Caroline. Let it drive out the dark. You can’t let yourself feel this way. Find your beauty again.”

She kissed the thumb before pulling back. “I’m afraid for you to touch me,” she whispered. “To see me.”

“But Gabe touched you. Right?”

That was the first time Jack called him by his first name. Another reminder that intimacy was more than just physical. She averted her gaze.

“I’m sorry,” Jack said. “That’s none of my business.”

“No, you want to know. That’s fair.” She shifted away from him.

“What is it, sweetheart? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

She twisted her hands awkwardly. “I know it upsets you to think about me being with another man.”

“It does. But I can get past it. I want to touch you. To be with you. I want to feel that connection again.”

He deserved the truth. He needed to hear it. But hell if she could say it. She suddenly found the floor fascinating. There was no way she could look him in the eyes and admit the truth. “Gabe and I - I haven’t done that in a while,” she mumbled.

Jack grinned roguishly. “I know it’s been a little while. It’s not a problem. I have a pretty good memory as to what you like.”

Oh, he thought she was upset about a couple of months passing. “I don’t mean that,” Caroline said, pulling her hands back into her lap. “It’s, um, been longer than that.”

“How long?”

“Close to two years.”

She could almost see him doing the math in his head. “Gabe never did that?” he asked.

“No.”

“Never touched you at all?”

“No.”

“Then how-”

Caroline kept her eyes on the floor. He was asking way too many questions. She heard him sigh.

“Did you ever get off during sex?” he asked. He let out a hard breath as she remained silent. “My relatively positive opinion of Lieutenant Morton is rapidly declining.”

There was no point in lying. Not anymore. She’d kept it up for far too long. “It’s not that,” she explained. “I never slept with Gabe.”

He cleared his throat. “Really?”

His voice had that edge of disbelief that made her realize she’d spent far too much time trying to deceive him. “We never even kissed. He made a move once and I realized I was making a huge mistake so I stopped him.”

Jack brought his hands to her face, and she finally looked at him.

“Why?” he asked.

She looked up at the ceiling, then back at him. This was hard to explain. She excelled at psychoanalyzing herself but didn’t like saying it out loud.

“I didn’t want it,” she whispered. “Didn’t want to lose control. Didn’t want to feel anything. It was nice to feel close to someone, anyone, but I couldn’t handle more than that. He did a lot for me, though. He helped me with my nightmares.”

“That makes me feel much better,” Jack said. “I mean that.”

Caroline fingered his shirt. “The connection was purely platonic, and he got more out of it than I ever did.”

“You never slept with him.”

Jack looked like she’d run over his puppy. Caroline had never lied to him before. Not before the past few months. “No. I did not.”

“You gave me a much different impression of your relationship,” he grumbled.

“He was very kind,” she said. “A perfect gentleman.”

“Maybe he wasn’t so bad then. Would have been nice if he’d told me, though.”

“Believe me, he really wanted to let you know. He didn’t want it to cloud your judgment of him.” Caroline blushed. “He knew any chance he had was blown apart the instant I saw you.”

“But you continued the charade anyway.”

“We did. We shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. That was all my idea.” Caroline took a deep breath. “You’re a hard act to follow, Jack. I’m not sure any other man would come close.”

“My ego thanks you.”

He still sounded hurt. “It should,” she said. “I expected a life of celibacy after I thought you were gone. And I might have enjoyed making you jealous. A little.” Caroline brought her head up to see the expression on his face, and her half smile turned into a giant grin. She tossed her head back and laughed. “Okay, a lot. I really, really enjoyed making you jealous.”

“You don’t have to act so happy about it,” he groused.

Frustrated grumbles were much better than the pain she’d heard in his voice a moment earlier. “Don’t begrudge me this one thing. It was one of the few thrills I got. Bunches and bunches of fun in a sea of gloom.”

His frown relaxed. “I should be angry but the shallow part of me is elated that you missed me that much. And it’s wonderful to hear you laugh,” he said quietly. “Even if it’s at my expense.”

“It’s really not – I can’t-” Caroline giggled again, unable to contain herself. “I don’t know why I find this so funny.”

“It’s been a long time since you laughed this hard,” Jack said, and she could tell he was trying not to laugh too. “I’ll try not to judge you for it. Even if it makes you a mean woman.”

She stifled another giggle. “Am I really that mean?”

He kissed her forehead. “No,” he said quietly. “You’re a magnificent woman who needs to laugh and smile and enjoy herself. Not just feel the bad stuff.”

Dear God, lying was hard but what if she’d actually gone through with it? She would have cheated on him. “I almost did it. Wanted to pretend to be someone else. I wanted to be comforted, to feel close to someone, because I felt so alone.”

“Sweetheart, nothing happened. I’m not judging you.”

“I wanted to remember I was a woman. That maybe someone would find me desirable. I felt so ugly.” She choked back a fresh sob. “I felt like Gabe was my only chance to get any human affection, because who would want to love me again? No one was ever going to look at me the way you used to, because there was nothing left to see.”

“Do you feel that way now?” Jack asked. “How do you feel when I look at you?”

“You see me,” she said softly. “You’ve always seen me. I don’t think I appreciated that enough until I thought you were gone.” She closed her eyes. “That was the hardest part of seeing you again. Because you still look at me that way, and I don’t understand it.”

“I love you, Caroline. And especially now, I’m so afraid that something will take you away from me that I want to appreciate just being able to see you, healthy and alive.”

She bit her tongue to refrain from making a snide remark. He was trying to help her get better. And maybe he’d succeed. “I wanted Gabe to be you,” she said softly. “Everything was so raw and fresh, and I missed everyone so much. I had nothing left. And I wanted one minute, just one, when I could forget about being strong and let someone take care of me. But the only someone I wanted wasn’t there.”

“I’m here now,” Jack whispered, pulling her into his arms. “It takes strength to admit vulnerability. You’ve been through so much, and you’ve been so brave. It’s okay to lean on other people.”

Caroline put her face in her hands. “I’m terrible, aren’t I? I used him.”

“You didn’t use him. He comforted you. He knew what it was. You didn’t mislead him.”