Riddley Walker (18 page)

Punch has a good look at it he says, "_Theres a parper banger for you les have a fry up._"

Pooty says, "Iwl fetch the babby and the frying pan."

Punch says, "_Never mynd the babby there aint a nuff swossage to go roun._"

Pooty says, "You know how he likes a bit of swossage."

Punch says, "_Hes too yung for swossage give him the tit._"

Pooty says, "Boan dry."

Punch says, "_Give him the boan then._"

Pooty says, "Et it our selfs dint we. Cruncht the boan and suckt the marrer."

Punch says, "_Then tel the babby no suck ter day. Suck ter marrer._"

Pooty says, "You mynd the swossage wylst I fetch him."

Punch says, "_Yes I wil Iwl mynd that swossage._"

Pooty looks at me then she says, "Now I want you to keap a eye on Mr Punch I want you to give me a shout if he has a go at that swossage." She puts the sossage on the play board.

I said, "All right Iwl do that."

Pootys down then Punch grabs the sossage he terns his back to me and arga warga. I yelt, "Pooty!" but its too late becaws Punch terns roun agen and that sossage is all gone.

Punch is rubbing his hans in joy of it he says, "_Um. You cant beat a good banger._"

Up comes Pooty with the frying pan and the babby which its a littl pink piglet. Pooty says to Punch, "Youve et that swossage havent you."

Punch says, "_No I dint._"

I said, "O yes you did."

Punch says, "_O no I dint._"

I said, "O yes you did."

Pooty says, "Never mynd Iwl see if I can fynd a nother swossage." She hans the babby to Punch she says, "You look after him wil you wylst Im gone."

Punch is running his eye up and down that piglet he says, "_O yes Iwl look after him hewl be in good hans. You bes be off now after that swossage its a long time since Ive had any._"

Pooty says to me, "Youwl give me a shout wont you if theres any nead."

I said, "O yes Iwl do that."

Pootys off then and Punch is holding the babby. Punch says, "_Youwl be good wont you. You wont cry wil you._"

The babby dont say nothing.

Punch says to the babby, "_Les walky walky._" He puts the babby down and backs off a littl. Hols out his arms and says, "_Walky walky_."

The babby that littl pink piglet slyds tords him like it wer on a string. Grey morning lite and candls sill lit in there. Shadders wivvering and wayvering on the smoak and flames paintit on the back cloth. Punchs head wer 1 solid peace of wood but looking at him I begun to think his joars myt open wide. "_O wot a good babby,_" says Punch. O how I hoapit that babby wer going to stay good nor not give him no bother.

Punch puts the babby back where he startit. He says, "_Walky walky_" agen.

"Wah!" says the babby.

Punch whacks the play board with his stick. "_Dont cry,_" says Punch to the babby. "_You look so terbel juicy when youre crying._"

"Wah!" says the babby. "Wah wah wah!"

Punch grabs that littl pink piglet and I yelt, "Pooty!"

Pootys up then and grabbing the babby as wel. Shes pulling on 1 arm and Punch on the other it looks like theyre going to tear that littl pig in 2 peaces. Punch lets go of the babby he grabs his stick and hes beating Pooty and the babby. Pootys yelling, "Ow ow ow!" and the babbys screaming, "Wah wah wah!" til Punch beats them qwyet. Theyre boath dead then Punch has beat the life out of them. He puts them boath in the frying pan they dont fit too wel and hanging oven the sides but hes frying them the bes he can.

Up comes a ugly bloak he dont look like any kynd of good news for Punch. Hes got a hang tree which he sets it up on the play board. He says, "Jack Ketch is who I am which Im the Loakel Tharty roun here I thot I heard a woman frying."

"_My wife,_" says Punch.

"Shes a beauty," says Jack Ketch. "Iwl have a bit of that."

"_Shes myn,_" says Punch, "_Eat your oan wife._"

"I heard a babby frying and all," says Jack Ketch. Hes got his nose pernear in that frying pan he dont � look hungry.

"_My babby,_" says Punch. "_Fynd your oan._"

"You bes share with me or Iwl have you up for it," says Jack Ketch.

"_Im hy a nuff all ready I dont nead no upping,_" says Punch.

"You shudve thot of that befor you come hitting piggy side," says Jack Ketch hes readying the roap on his hang tree.

"_You mean bacon side,_" says Punch.

Jack Ketch says, "If a dead pig is bacon whats a dead Punch?"

Punch says, "_You wont never see no dead Punch Im too old to dy._"

"This heres a magic tree itwl make you yung a nuff," says Jack Ketch hes patting his hang tree.

"_Im too ripe for that,_" says Punch. "_The fruit dont go from the groun to the tree._"

Jack Ketch says, "Youwl get back to the groun soon a nuff I wont keap you long jus only til youre dead dead dead." He takes his hang tree in boath hans and trying to catch Punch in the loop of the roap.

"_You wont keap me at all,_" says Punch. "_Becaws Iwl whack you on the head head head._" Hes whacking Jack good with his stick he finishes him qwick he says, "_Nor I wont keap you nyther_" and he flings him a way.

"Oy!" says a voyce and up jumps Mr Clevver he looks jus the same as Mr Clevver in the Eusa show hes got the same red face and littl poynty beard and the horns and all.

Punch looking at him sharp and scanful he says to Mr Clevver, "_Who myt you be?_"

Mr Clevver says, "I myt be the Pry Mincer of Binland and I myt be the Hard Bitchup of Cantser Belly only I aint. Who I acturely am is Drop John the Foller Man which they call me Mr On The Levvil as wel."

Punch says, "_Dont let me keap you parbly youve got binses elser._"

Mr On The Levvil says, "O no my binses is right here Ive come for a littl sumfing from Pooty." He hasnt took noatis of the frying pan yet.

Punch says, "_Going to give you a littl sumfing is she?_"

Mr On The Levvil says, "For my swossage you see."

Punch says, "_That big hard swossage you mean?_"

Mr On The Levvil says, "Thats the 1."

Punch says, "_That girt big banger you mean?_"

Mr On The Levvil says, "Right you are Guvner thats the very."

Punch says, "_Youre looking to get sumfing for it?_"

Mr On The Levvil hugs his self a littl he says, "Um um Im craving for a littl of that Pooty sumfing. Thats what I give her the swossage for din I."

Punch says, "_You mean you give her that swossage befor she give you the sumfing?_"

Mr On The Levvil says, "Thats what I done."

Punch says, "_Then youve stil got sumfing coming to you here it is its frying now._" He shows Mr On The Levvil Pooty in the frying pan.

Mr On The Levvil says, "Now I call that a frying shame becaws a dead Pooty aint much good for sumfing."

Punch says, "_Every man to his oan tase. Have a side of bacon._" Mr On The Levvil says, "What Iwl have is my swossage back. No sumfing no swossage."

Punch says, "_What if you dont get your swossage back?_"

Mr On The Levvil says, "Iwl have my sumfing out of you then it dont make no odds to me."

Punch says, "_You aint too fussy how you have it longs you have it?_"

Mr On The Levvil says, "Im easy longs I have my sumfing." Punch terns his back and poynting his arse at Mr On The Levvil he says, "Be you ready?"

Mr On The Levvil hes wynding his self up for it he says, "Ready for it and ramping for it and here I come."

"_And here it comes,_" says Punch. Which that iron sossage comes zizzing out of him and in to Mr On The Levvil. BANG! Flattens him dead.

"_Hooray!_" says Punch. "_Punch has done for Mr On The Levvil now every I can do as they like._"

"Hooo," says some 1 coming up then. Its a goast its got a skul face and all in wite. That skul has horns and a littl poynty beard. "Hooo," says the goast agen.

"_Whos that?_" says Punch. He dont look easy at all.

"Who do I look like?" says the goast.

"_I ratherwd not say,_" says Punch.

The goast says, "Do you get like a dropping fealing in your belly when you see me?"

"_Yes,_" says Punch.

"Thats why they call me Drop John," says the goast.

"_O dear o dear o dear,_" says Punch. "_How do I make that fealing go a way?_"

"It wont go a way," says the goast. "Itwl be with you longs Im with you."

"_How longwl that be?_" says Punch.

"From now on," says the goast. "Thats why they call me the Foller Man."

Punch dont look too easy when he hears that. He says, "_What dyou want to foller me for?_"

The goast says, "I dont want to only I cant help it. When you done for Mr On The Levvil you put me on to you. Mr On The Levvil he ben the out side of me which you knockt him off and now Im nekkit enn I. I dont have nothing I dont have no 1 to live in only you."

Punch says, "_Cant live in me theres no room._"

The goast says, "O wewl fynd room some time Iwl jus ride on your back til then."

Punch says, "_O dear o dear o dear 1 hump is a nuff. I bes be off and put a littl farness be twean us._"

"O dont leave me Mr Punch," says the goast. "I dont have nothing nor no body only you. The worl is emty for me only you." With that it hops on to Punchs back its clinging to him all prest up agenst his hump with boath arms noun his neck.

Punch is off then with the goast on his back and the goast is singing:

Drop John the Foller Man

Roal him over throw him down

1 for you and 1 for me

Roading hoam to Do It Over

Roading hoam to Dover

I stayd sat there looking at the emty space and the paintit smoak and flames on the back clof. I knowit Goodparleywd be out of the fit up in a minim and this daywd go on from there. Iwd have to say things and do things which I dint want to say nothing nor do nothing I wantit to think on that goast what ben living in Mr On The Levvil 1st then it wer on Punchs back and going to live in him soons it got the chance. I never seen that show befor nor never heard the names of Punch and Mr On The Levvil and that goast befor yet now as I seen them and heard what they had to say it seamt like I musve all ways knowit about them. Seamt like I knowit mor about them nor I knowit I knowit.

Goodparley come out of the fit up he stil had Punch on his right han and the goast on his lef.

I said, "Who done the Nex Nite for that show?"

He said, "There wernt no Nex Nite for it. Granser said this show dint have no connexion nor no reveal. Dyou beleave that?"

I said, "Theres all ways a connexion aint there."

He said, "Thats what I tol Granser. He said thats as may be only there bint no connexion nor no reveal hed ever heard of for this show. He said it ben jus only a fun show."

I said, "What dyou mean fun show? Bint it done by Mincery bloaks?"

He said, "Granser tol me this show never had nothing to do with no Mincery it ben jus to make peopl larf. Give peopl a bit of fun."

I said, "Thats a funny kynd of show to do. Who done it then? What kynd of show men?"

He said, "I dont know nothing about that nor Granser dint nyther. Whats the diffrents any how it aint a show no 1wl see no mor. I never knowit any 1 know it only Granser and me. Hes dead nor I wunt show it to no 1 only you."

I said, "Punch and Eusa. 2 shows."

He said, "The 2 be come the 1."

I said, "Whats that Drop John song about? Roal _who_ over? Throw _who_ down? What is that 1 for you and 1 for me? Why is every thing in 2s? Whys Drop John singing about going home to Do It Over?"

He said, "I dont know nothing about that song only its about some thing else. Which every thing is innit. Every thing is about every thing. And what evers in 2wl be come 1. The 2 of Granser and me be come jus only the 1 dinnit. You know how I partit from him?"

I said, "How?"

He said, "I kilt him."

I said, "How come?"

He said, "It wer the nite of my 12th naming day. The day I be come a man."

I had a suddn fealing I said, "What day is your naming day?"

He said, "Its the 2nd Ful. Whens yours?"

I said, "2nd Ful." We wer boath shaking our heads and thinking on that. I said, "What happent that day?"

He said, "We ben talking about that day long befor it come. I ben watching that moon fulling on. We ben roading all roun like userel. Granser he wer what they callit a knowing man he knowit herbs and roots and mixters he done deacon terminations he done healing and curing plus he knowit dreams and syns. We roadit 1 fents to a nother clinnicking and national healfing we done forms and all. He never tol no 1 he wer dog frendy we mosly roadit with crowd like any 1 else. When we roadit oansome we all ways joynt up with some road crowd befor a riving any where. Wewd come roun a hil or thru the trees and Granserwd say we seen them from a farness and forkt off from the crowd we ben with. Some times they dint beleave him they thot he wer a Magic man they made the Bad Luck go a way syn but they let us road with them. Some said theyd seen him running with the Black Pack.

"Wel befor my naming day Id tol Granser Iwd be moving out for my self soons I come a man. I tol him that daywd be the end of my boy time. He larft and said O yes. We wer overing the nite at Good Mercy Form we ben roading with a trade crowd. Some of them from Bollock Stoans up near Horny Boy and they wer joaking how they had the mos bollocks and they wer the hornyes boys in Inland. Getting pist and talking juicy. How they wer dying for a littl. Tiret of husbinding ther hans nor you cudnt get near them form women. Wel they begun looking at me and putting ther hans on me. Granser then he tol them being we wer at Good Mercy he wer going to give them good mercy plus itwd be a bye bye party for the end of my boy time so he give them me for the nite. 7 bloaks had me 1 after the other on the nite of the day I be come a man. Hevvy bloaks all of them I cudntve stood up to 1 let a loan 7. He had to do that he had to put his mark on that day he cudnt leave it a loan. Then after they all had good pleasur and good measur that nite he tol me Iwd have to wait a nother year befor I begun to man for my self becaws I ben boying on my 12th naming day. Larfing his wicket larf and he said he wer going to keap me with him 1 year mor thats when I stuck my knife in him. He cudnt leave a thing be come what it wer going to be nex. Thats what it wer made me kil him it wernt the 7 bloaks. I wantit to man for my self and he made me boy for him 1 time too many. I overt that fents and off oansome tho I bint dog frendy and scaret to death I took my chance I put a farness behynt me I Norft up the A28 keaping close to trees for clyming til there come a long a road crowd they wer Mincery bloaks I gone with them and to the Ram."