Ripping Pages (27 page)

I finished my cupcake and hot chocolate sitting there feeling even more confused than when I got there. It was getting late, and the snow was beginning to fall, and my paranoia was also setting in, so I got up to head back home. The snow started to fall heavily around me, but as I headed toward the entrance I came from, I heard the strumming of a guitar in the distance. My heart started beating loudly in hopes that it was who I thought it might be.

No, it couldn’t be. Could it?

He was at home in bed. Curious, I followed the sounds to a beautiful song I hadn’t heard before. The guitar strumming the chords beautifully, and then a low, deep almost tortured voice accompanied the strings, and it was unmistakable. I got closer, and even though it was dark, I knew he was in the same exact spot as the first day I’d laid eyes on him. His silhouette sat by the tree, and he started singing along and since I was close enough, I could hear every word. The song was absolutely heartbreaking and absolutely beautiful. He sang it with a conviction that one could only do when they’ve been touched by it personally. I watched him, teary-eyed, as he sang the chorus softly. The song was about a guy losing a girl. How he was a disaster without her and died when she went away. He was asking her to stay with him, and take her with him if she left. It was the most breathtaking song I’d ever heard in my life. I started to sob like an idiot, which broke his concentration as he strummed the guitar. He immediately jumped up and left his guitar on the ground as he walked slowly toward me, the small light from the lamppost revealing his face.

“Sweetness?” He sounded so broken, and he looked so pale considering all he’d been through the past two weeks.

I hadn’t expected to see him and seeing as how I was still a mixed up ball of confusion, I knew I couldn’t handle this right now. Especially not after the melody, that I knew was about the two of us.

He stepped toward me and ever so slightly brushed his lips with mine as his hands dove into my hair gently.

He kissed me, and then the kiss grew urgent and more intense.

I pulled back and felt like crap for doing so.

“I’m sorry. I—I can’t do this, Van. I don’t know which way is up. Everything is so messed up, and I don’t want to hurt you, but I love him, too. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first everything, and the second he came back into my life, I—I just, I'm lost, Van.”

“Tinley, I'm not going to make you choose, because if you have to decide who to choose, then you don’t feel for me what I feel for you. And that fucking breaks me. I'm a disaster when you're not here, Sweetness. I'm nothing without you, but I don’t want to be someone you had to make a choice for—you either know who you want, or you don’t. It's that simple. From the moment I saw you, Tinley, right here in this very spot, I knew that I would do whatever it took to make you happy. Your happiness and joy are all I have ever wanted. Just to see that breathtaking smile and to know that I put it there, well that just makes everything else fade away. You're all that I want. You are truly my ever after. You're my everything, and as much as it will ruin me, I will walk away from you, baby. I truly wish you nothing, but the best. And I swear on everything that I am, that I mean that. And if I see you, years from now with that smile so big and bright it could light up an entire fucking arena, I'll know you're happy, and that you are where you should be. I will miss you. Every. Fucking. Piece of you. But I won’t be a decision you have to make.”

He leaned into me, his forehead touching mine. He breathed softly, and as I looked up at him, I could see the unshed tears in his eyes. I could see the undeniable love and adoration in them, and suddenly, I knew. I never felt for James what I did for Van. Van was the force I couldn’t stay away from. He was real, and he was in as deep as I was. I could close my eyes and trace the lines of his every feature, and I knew what he was thinking even when he didn’t, and he was the same way with me. He always knew what to say when I was hurting, and here he was, so unselfish and just wanting me to be happy. He was perfect. He was
my
ever after, and I wanted nothing in that moment, but a life with him. The crazy, the chaos, the arguments, and the passion. I wanted it all. I wanted Van.

His closed his eyes and sighed brokenly. A few people were walking past us in the park, but the only thing I could see was my Van. I gently brushed his hair from his eyes just as a single tear streamed down his face. I placed my lips to it and kissed it away, feeling like the biggest jerk ever for making him feel so damaged. He only ever showed this emotion to me. My lips kissed from his cheekbone down to his chin and over to the other side where several more tears streaked his chiseled face. I looked up at him, and my heart shattered. Van had given me a piece of himself that he'd only ever given to one other person who had eventually destroyed it. I wanted him to know I was here, and I wanted him. He wasn’t a choice, because he was right, there was no question. He was it.

“Look at me, Van.” He opened his eyes, and the hurt I had placed in them was immeasurable.

Now my tears were pouring, and I couldn’t contain the sobs that racked my voice.

“Van, I'm sorry. I don’t want you to be a decision, either. That’s why I know you're it. You're the only one who knows me, truly knows me. It’s been you, Van. From the moment I saw you strumming that guitar, singing right here, I knew my life would never be the same. I love you. So much, Van. I want you.”

His face still shining with tears, he smiled that panty-dropping smile that could melt the heavy snow that was falling all around us, and then he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me roughly against him, kissing my lips with all the commitment he had just promised. I moaned and his tongue slipped in to roughly tangle with mine. I grabbed the lapels of his jacket. I just wanted him closer. I wanted every fiber of my being to somehow intertwine and mold with his, so we would really be together. He bit my lip and then grabbed the back of my knees and lifted me up to straddle him as he walked. He winced a bit in pain seeing as how he was recovering from a gun shot wound and a major surgery. But he sucked it up, and I let him.

I laughed. “Where are you taking me, Mr. Whitaker?”

“Home.” His voice was husky, and I knew we would never be the same after today.

We weren't ripping the page out this time. We were just starting a whole new chapter.

One Year Later

The lights were going down on stage and the fans were screaming. I watched as Van and the boys got ready to take the stage for their final performance of the night.

Their tour had been postponed for several months so Van could fully recover.

I stayed by his side every minute.

I took care of him, and we watched movies and ordered Chinese food, and just got to know each other more. I loved that boy with all that I was. He surprised me every day. He was so loving, so thoughtful. Van had added more charms to my bracelet than I could count as the months went on. We finally spent our first Christmas together, and I don’t think I could have had a better one. It was magical, and everything I hoped it would be.

The past year had been a whirlwind. So much had happened.

My career had taken off after my meeting with the agent. I had my first lead role in a decent sized theater three months later, and much to my astonishment, I got quite a few rave reviews. It was extremely humbling and gratifying. My dream had officially become a definite reality.

After the night at the park with Van, I had to talk to James. I needed to tell him it was over, to let him know there was no bad blood between us.

I went to his apartment the next day, and he answered looking disheveled and rugged.

“Can I come in?” I asked timidly.

Looking relieved that I was there, he smiled and ushered me in.

His smile faded as I turned to him and said, “We need to talk.”

My heart was hurting, but telling James I was staying with Van wasn’t the hardest thing I ever had to endure. Losing Van was devastating. I loved him more than words could say. He was my forever, and I always knew it. It just took me a while to see it. I never thought about James when I was with Van. But I constantly thought of Van when I was with James. I could never get him out of my head. He was a part of me. He was entangled in my soul as if he was always meant to be there. I told James that I would always love him. He had always been my best friend, and I would never forget that. I wished him happiness, and I told him I would always be there for him if he ever needed me. He didn’t beg me to change my mind. He didn’t cry. He said he knew it was coming. That he could see this light in me that he never saw when he and I were together. He knew Van and I were the real deal,. He just wanted me to forget him, and he had wanted to try to make me light up like that for him. But he knew that would never happen. I was in love forever and always with Van.
As I was leaving,
I placed the ring James had given me in his palm. I closed his fist around it and held his hand as I kissed him on the cheek. “You were my very first love. I hope you find every bit of happiness, James. I really do. You will always have a special place in my heart.” I smiled with tears pricking my eyes, and walked away. I felt a sense of peace, and my heart didn’t hurt as much anymore now that I had finally followed it. I loved Van Whitaker with every single breath I had in me.

I watched Van walk on stage in the darkness and the spotlight turned on shining down at him. He looked back to the wings at the back of the stage to where he knew I was standing. He winked and I, as usual, swooned. We’d been through a lot together, and I was so thankful that I didn’t lose him completely.

He sat down on the stool the crew had put in the middle of the stage, and then he turned it facing me and not the crowd. Confused I stared at him. He started to strum the guitar as the band joined in as the rest of the lights shot on. I gaped at him and he smiled the sexiest smile at me. I would never tire of that look. He made my heart flutter, and I was sure he always would. He started singing the words to
Bread’s Baby I’m-a Want you
, and I started laughing as he sang it. He started chuckling through the lyrics, but he sang every word spot on. Here was my manly man, my hardcore sultry rock god singing one of my favorite seventies songs as if he had written it himself. I fell in love with him all over again every time I looked at him. The song turned into
Barry Manilow’s Mandy
, but with the words changed to Tinley, which made me laugh and cry all at the same time. The last song of the medley was
Toni Braxton’s I belong to you.
Pure tears started to fall this time as he got up from the stool and started walking toward me. He stopped in front of me, and the song switched to our song. The one he’d been singing in the park that day. The one he’d written about us. I watched him in astonishment as he dropped to his knee as he sang it and strummed the guitar.

He placed the guitar on the ground next to him and then pulled something out of his back pocket. It was a charm. Much like the other ones he’d given me except this one was in the shape of a book and had the words
“My Ever After”
inscribed on it in diamonds and hanging from the charm was a ring. The guys continued playing the chords to our song as he looked up at me.

He took my hands in his as I held the charm and kissed my knuckles.

His face was so striking and handsome looking up at me with abundant passion and love. The tears started to fall even harder.

Oh. My. God. This was it.

“Tinley, YOU are my Sweetness. You make each day better than the last. Just being near you has made me want to be better. You’ve made me want to be more than I am. To work harder for you every second. To make you smile even when you’re sad. To get you orchids every time I’m proud of you or when I’m sorry, even though I’m dangerously allergic to them.” He chuckled and winked at me. I laughed a small laugh, and then looked at him shocked and bit apologetic. He’d never told me that.
Ass.
I would have told him to never give them to me.

“I promise to always love you and to make you happy, because that’s what you do for me just by being you. You make my world better. You are the reason I get up every day. I want to be your last love. You’re it for me, Tin. Marry me baby. I want to spend the rest of my life watching stupid comedies with you, and fighting, and making up with you, and I want to make little girls that look just as beautiful as their momma…”

He caressed my protruding belly and kissed the bump and the healthy little princess who was growing perfectly inside it.

“And little boys who are stubborn just like their old man. I want all of that with you. You are my
ever after
and I mean that, baby.”

He gave me the charm as his eyes watered a bit, and my tears rolled to the floor. I wanted to jump into his arms, but being six months pregnant, and as big as a house, made that a little difficult. He bent down and scooped me into his strong arms kissing my temple as he did.