Rise (22 page)

“Did you dream about Jesus while you were asleep this time?”

“No.”

“Did you dream at all?”

“No.”

“What about now? Do you see him? Can you talk to him?”

“I see him, but I haven’t talked to him.”

“Why?”

“I can’t. I don’t know what else to say.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t say anything. Maybe you should just let him talk.”

“I don’t think I’m ready to listen,” she admitted.

“That’s okay.” I kissed the top of her head. “I’m sure he’ll wait.”

My shirt became wet beneath her face.

“Everything’s gonna be okay.” I stroked her arm in hopes that it would soothe her to sleep. “Try to get some rest.”

“You won’t leave while I’m asleep, will you?”

“I’ll be right here. I promise you, Charlie, I’m not leaving.”

chapter 30

(Attie)

I’d cried myself to sleep, but I was in Riley’s arms, and I wanted that to be all that mattered. I hoped that if I held on to him tight enough and long enough, the storm would pass over us, and everything would go back to normal. But I knew it wasn’t true. Sadly, there was a large part of me that understood from the moment I saw my dad standing on the Bennetts’ porch that my world was changing. Our world, and everything we thought was so certain, was going to change, and there wasn’t anything that Riley or I could do to stop it.

Worse, all the changing was taking place inside of me, and all Riley would be able to do was stand at a distance and watch.

“Riley?” My dad’s voice brought me out of my sleep, but I left my eyes closed. “Can I spend some time with my daughter please?”

Riley sat up on his elbow but kept his arms wrapped around me. “I don’t know if she’d want that,” he whispered. They hadn’t realized I was awake. “I think you’ve caused enough damage for a lifetime. What more could you have to say to her?”

“That I love her.”

Riley’s chest shook as he laughed. It wasn’t a funny, ha-ha laugh. It was more of a disgusted, “I can’t believe he just said that” kind. I could almost feel hate as it seeped out of his pores and in my father’s direction.

He slid his arm out from under me and slowly climbed out of the bed. “Well, if that’s what love looks like, then I don’t want her to have to deal with any part of it.”

“I’m human, Riley. I make mistakes.”

“Evidently.”

“I came here with the best of intentions. When I finally saw her, I got emotional and didn’t think straight.”

“And what exactly were your intentions?”

“To fight for my daughter.”

“You didn’t lose her in a fight; you gave her up. Why would you think you needed to fight for her? I don’t think you have any idea what that did to her or anyone else around you.”

“Your dad already told me.”

“Really? He told you about the days we spent sitting with her in the hospital when you wouldn’t come back to Oklahoma to see her? He told you about what it did to Gramps that you didn’t even bother to come to your own wife’s funeral?”

Dad didn’t reply.

“So he told you what it did to Attie when she woke up in the hospital alone? Or that she sat in the rehabilitation center day after day, hoping that it might be the day you would visit, but it never was? And he told you how she felt when your nurse picked her up and brought her home to an empty house? And he told you how she felt when she ate dinner alone every single night or that she ran away to New York City in hopes that you would care enough to go looking for her and bring her home, but of course you didn’t?

“Did he tell you she had nightmares every night for a year? Or that, because of what she saw in her dreams, she was afraid to sleep? Or that she was completely sleep deprived? And did he tell you that she cried herself to sleep almost every single night? And did he tell you that she compared herself to trash? She felt like trash that you’d thrown away.”

“Riley, I—”

“And did he tell you that they had to sedate her, knock her completely unconscious, for fear she might hurt herself? Or that she’s lost all confidence in herself and she can’t even see how amazing she is because you don’t see her that way? Did he tell you that she sees her worth through your eyes, and because of that she feels like she doesn’t have any worth at all? Did he tell you there’s nothing I can say to her, nothing I can do for her to make her feel better, to fix it? I can’t fix what you’ve destroyed.”

I could hear my dad’s cries. “That’s why I have to try to fix it, Riley. Nobody else can fix what I’ve done.”

Riley ignored him. “Did my dad tell you how he felt when he saw her lying on the floor in her room? Did he tell you how deep the pit in his stomach was when he thought he’d lost another daughter? Do you even think about anyone other than yourself?”

I finally sat up. “Riley, enough.”

He looked over at me, face flushed and eyes red and swollen. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t. I was already awake.”

I looked over at my father. His clothes hung off his slumping body. He looked like Riley had beaten him senseless.

“I’ll talk to him,” I said. “Just give us a few minutes. I want to hear what he has to say.”

“Are you sure, Charlie?”

“No … but I feel like I should hear him out.”

He walked back to me and kissed me on the forehead as he gripped my hand in his. “I’ll be right outside. Just push the button if you need me. The nurse can send me right in.”

“Okay.”

He placed his face within inches of mine. “I love you,” he whispered.

I nodded before he kissed my nose and walked out of the room, leaving my dad in an awkward silence.

He walked over and sat in the chair next to the bed. I watched his eyes scan the room. “You can’t look at me?”

He shook his head and looked down at the floor. “I’m ashamed.”

“You should be. Unfortunately, nothing Riley said was an exaggeration, and you caused every single bit of it.”

“I know.” He spoke so softly that I could hardly hear him.

“I don’t want to rehash everything that’s happened since the accident. You weren’t here, you missed it all, and I don’t want to bring it all up again. Nothing that we say can change any of it anyway.”

He shrugged.

“What I do want to know is why you told me about you and Mom getting divorced. What purpose could that possibly serve?”

“I see you walking down the same road.”

“What road?”

“You and Riley. You’re too young to be so serious, and when you’re young, you’re also naive. You think if you love each other now, you always will. Your mom and I thought that when we were together, but things change. How you and Riley feel about each other—it’s too much.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Attie, there’s no doubt this relationship is serious. And Riley, that poor boy is so in love with you he can’t think straight. You should see him out there; he’s a nervous wreck. He hasn’t left the hospital and it’s been days.”

“You act like Riley and I are talking about getting married or something.”

“Are you telling me you haven’t?”

“We’ve joked about it a few times, but neither one of us wants to get married until we’re out of college.”

“You say that now … and what happens if you get pregnant? What then?”

“Then we’ve got a massive problem because it’ll be another virginal birth. We aren’t having sex, and we won’t be.”

“You may not be now, but another four years is a long time to wait. You think he’s going to be willing to do that?”

“I guess if he wants to be with me, he will. I don’t know, Dad. I don’t have all the answers, but I never thought I needed them right this very moment. It’s not like we’re making any long-term plans or anything.”

“Where are you going to go school next year?”

“UCO.”

“Why?”

I didn’t answer.

“Because that’s where Riley will be, right? You could go to school anywhere. You could come up to Ithaca and be on the fast track like Cooper. Why settle for a small community school?”

“UCO is a good school, Dad. I’m only going there for my undergrad.”

“Are you still going to vet school?”

“I think so.”

“Where?”

Again, I didn’t want to answer.

“This is what I’m talking about. You had a plan for your life until Riley came into the picture.”

“I’m not sure how you would know that, seeing as how we’ve not had a conversation about it since long before Mom died. I was a sophomore last time we even talked about my future. You don’t think I have a better idea of what I want now versus what I wanted then?”

“I believe that you made good choices based on good information rather than emotion. Right now every choice you make will be clouded by your emotions. Everything you consider will be viewed through the lens of Riley, and I don’t want you making decisions that way. The last thing you want to do is make a decision now that could affect you for the rest of your life.”

“Isn’t that what college is all about? Finding out who you are? If Riley and I aren’t meant to be, don’t you think we’ll figure that out?”

“I don’t know. But if you’re meant to be, what harm could a little time away do?”

“What are you saying to me?”

“I want you to come back to New York with me.”

“What?”

“You and Riley can get some distance from each other. Both of you can see things a little more clearly, and you and I will have some time to fix our relationship. I’ve really messed up, Attie; I need you to let me try to fix it.”

“And I have to move to New York for that?”

“That’s where my job is. What do you expect me to do?”

“All of my friends and family are here. What do you expect me to do?”

“I don’t expect anything, but I’m asking you to come back to New York with me. Give us some time and give yourself some time to get your head on straight. You’ve been through a lot. You need some time to think things through.”

I shook my head.

“Do it for Riley.”

“Riley? Moving to New York is the last thing he would want.”

“Did you hear him just now? What kind of life has he had for the last several months?”

Tears immediately sprung to my eyes.

“Attie, what kind of life is that for a seventeen-year-old boy? And if you love him as much as you say you do, then why on earth would you ask him to deal with all that?”

“I didn’t ask him to. He made those choices for himself. Plus, I didn’t have anyone else, least of all you.”

“So you’re with him because you need him, not because you want to be with him?”

“I want to be with him. I love him.”

“It sounds to me like you needed someone to help you through everything. What is he outside of that? What do you two have in common? Are your lives heading in the same direction? Do you want the same things?”

“We want to be together.”

“That’s not what I’m asking you.”

I turned my head away from him. Truth was, I didn’t know what we wanted … or needed. No matter how much I wanted to deny it, the things my dad was saying were true in a lot of ways. I had relied on Riley too much. Not only Riley, but Pops, Marme, Joshua and Nicole—just about everyone. The only person I hadn’t counted on to get me through my messes was myself.

“Are you two what’s best for the other, or are you dependant on his help and he gets his self-worth from being the person who gets to be the hero?”

My body was quivering, overtaken with confusion and sadness.

“Are you being fair to him? Should he be put in the position where he thinks he needs to be the person to fix you? You don’t want to end up living your life together always wondering if he’s with you because he wants to be or because he felt he needed to be.”

He reached up and wiped the tears off my cheeks with the back of his fingers.

“I’m a screw-up. I’ve done nothing right over the last few years. Please, let me try to make this right. Give me the chance to put our relationship back on course.”

I finally looked over at him. “I don’t know if that’s even possible.”

“Try with me. Just give me some time—you’ve got the rest of your life ahead of you. You’ll get married and have children. I don’t want to miss all of that. I have to make this right. Please, please come home with me. Let’s fix what I broke.”

Riley knocked on the door but didn’t open it.

“Think about it,” Dad urged. “Come in, Riley.”

He opened the door and walked to the end of the bed. “Is everything all right?”

I shrugged.

“We don’t know yet,” Dad said. “I guess we’re going to find out.” Reaching down, he took my hand in his, gave it a small squeeze, and then walked away without saying another word.

“Are you okay?” Riley asked as he sat on the bed next to me.

I shrugged again.

“Talk to me. Tell me you’re okay. I need to know that you’re all right.”

“I need a popsicle.” That was a lie. What I needed was a little bit of time to think. “Please go get me a popsicle.”

“Now?”

“Riley, please. A popsicle. They’ve got them at the nurses’ station or something.”

“Okay.” He stood and leaned over to kiss me on the forehead. I closed my eyes as his lips touched my skin.

My mind raced a million miles an hour as he walked out of the room. And though my mind was moving quickly, he seemed to be moving in slow motion.

I thought back over my dad’s words. I replayed the words Riley had said to him when they thought I was asleep.

Riley’s return snapped me out of my daze. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know, Riley,” I snapped. “The real question is, how are you?”

“No need to worry about me.” He set the popsicle on the tray in front of me, grabbed my hand, and rubbed it with his.

“Someone needs to.” I pulled my hand away and picked up the popsicle. “With all the attention I’ve been getting for the last six months, I wouldn’t blame you if you were getting a bit tired of it all.”

“Listen to you talking all crazy; you’re back to your normal self. I think we can go home now.” He laughed.

“I’m being completely serious.”

His smile disappeared.

I looked down at the popsicle and concentrated on peeling the white paper away from the frozen treat. “I feel sorry for you, Riley. Honestly, I do.”

“For me? Why do you feel sorry for me?”

“Because you’re stuck dealing with all this. There’s always something wrong with me, and I’ve got enough baggage to fill a cargo jet.”

“Don’t talk like that. I don’t feel that way at all.”

“Why?” I threw the popsicle back down and looked up at him. His face was pained, but I didn’t let it get me off track. “How is that even possible? How can you not feel like all I’m doing is weighing you down?”

“Because I love you, that’s why. I wanna help. None of this is your fault.”

“But it all becomes my problem, my burden, and my issues. Good grief, my dad issues alone are enough to fill a novel or two.”

“Just because some of your circumstances got worse doesn’t mean that those of us who love you bail. We’re not going anywhere.” He pointed toward the door. “You should see the waiting room out there. It’s full of people who love you: Mom, Dad, Gramps, Josh and Nicole, Tammy, Anne, Jen, Curt, Matt, Tess, and Chase. Not to mention everyone from school that’ve stopped by. Even Tiffany spent some time here. And Mitchell King, even—”