River of Lies (17 page)

And now your there on your high horse, because you have Dad all to yourself, but here’s a secret he didn’t want you to know. He’s not your Dad!! Mum told me, and she also told me who your Dad is. And I know that you know him. Mon, your dad is Michael! Fucking Michael; not so much of a royal highness now are you!

Tilly.

I sat at the kitchen table reading the paper. The ink smudged under my tears, I didn’t know whether Tilly was lying or whether this was the truth, as I look back at it, everything makes sense, my mum and Michael had been close, and Michael had always been very protective of me as I grew up. But it still could have been Tilly playing games. She was a hateful witch, it wasn’t enough that she killed the man I loved, it wasn’t enough that she had endlessly bullied me as a kid, as she beat me and burned me, and threatened to jab me with mum’s discarded needles.

Tears rolled down my face in torrents, and there in the silence of the house, I cried a guttural cry, I screamed for my life, I screamed for the life I lost, I screamed for my mum, I screamed for Tilly, for the man I knew as my dad, for Dylan and for every hurt I felt, for every hurt I caused.  My voice became hoarse and the tears ran out, there in the kitchen I sat, my head on my arms on the table, my eyes stung and a puddle of tears and snot formed in front of me. But my shoulders and chest, they finally felt free. I felt like the dark clouds that held me tight, that restricted my movement, finally they had lifted. I didn’t care if Michael was my biological father, he only provided the sperm, Shane, the man I knew as my dad, he was always going to be my Dad, he was the only man that I would allow to be my Dad. I suddenly felt free. I was free to move, I was free to start again. I stood and rubbed my belly.

My hips moved slowly side to side, I began to dance and move to an invisible tune that played through the room.  A silent dance of freedom, as it became more vigorous, I felt the sudden splash of fluid run down my legs. I looked down to see my bare feet in a puddle of water and blood. Panic gripped my chest. I still had six weeks to go before my due date. I put my hand between my legs and ran to the phone. I dialled Dad’s number as my hands trembled on the receiver, a flash came across my mind about asking him whether what Tilly had said was true, but then I felt the dull ache that started at the base of my spine and wind its way around my lower abdomen, I knelt down on the floor, one hand still between my legs, as I felt my pants getting wetter with the fluid that wouldn’t stop leaking.

“Hello?”

“Dad, my waters broke” I cried down the phone.

“Ok, it’s ok, I’m coming now” I heard the clunk of the phone. As I went to stand again, the dull pain, was no longer dull, I let out a grunt as the pain ran through my back, stomach and down my thighs.

“Oh god” I cried as I doubled over on the floor.

It felt like only minutes when Dad swung the front door open, and swept me up in his arms, as he carried me to the car.  The pain was increasing, and I was starting to doubt my ability to go through with it.  When we arrived at the hospital, the pain was constant.  Dad told me to wait in the car, while he went in and got a wheel chair for me. When he came back, he had a nurse by his side.  The pain was the most unbearable pain I had ever experienced. Dad and the nurse whipped me into the maternity ward, where they took me straight into the delivery room.  By the time we got there, my occasional groan had turned into a long guttural growl, the pain was intense and just being seated in the wheelchair was too much.  It was all happening so fast, and I couldn’t breathe with the intensity in which the pain came.

The nurse and Dad helped me up on to the bed, when the nurse stripped me bare of my pants and knickers in one foul swoop. Everyone seemed to be moving with speed, Dad stood by my head and held my hand. It wasn’t how I had expected to give birth, I hadn’t given it a lot of thought, but I had assumed I would get some time to think about what was happening to me, to plan it. But it felt like this baby had, had enough of the womb and was coming at great speeds.

Suddenly I felt the overwhelming urge to push.

“Oh god, I’ve got to push” I screamed through gritted teeth.

“Ok Mon, hold on love, I’ve got to get the equipment, I want you to breathe through it, but just don’t push for me, just for a second ok?” the nurse said in an irritatingly calm manner.

It felt like she didn’t understand that I couldn’t control it, my body was pushing whether I liked it or not. I closed my eyes, and tried to concentrate on breathing like they had shown me in the classes. But the pain was all consuming, the pushing was all consuming and I could only focus on them.

“Ok Mon, push away darling, I can see the head” I heard the nurse.

It was like the starters gun at a race, it was all a go, I pushed with three gut wrenching heaves and a burning pain as I felt the baby’s head pop into the outside world.

“Ok, now with the next contraction, I want you to give an almighty push, and we will have a baby” the nurse said.

She didn’t have to tell me twice, and I pushed with everything I had, feeling sudden relief as my baby slipped out into the world.

“Oh Mon, you’ve got a boy” I heard Dad yell with delight.

I opened my eyes, and the nurse placed a pink squishy baby onto my chest. I looked down into the most beautiful face that I had ever seen. With his dark hair and dark eyes, a fresh batch of tears flowed down my cheeks on to my sons. He let out a little gurgle.  I touched his face gently, and ran my finger along his fat little cheeks and lips.

“Dylan” I said as I looked up at Dad, who stood, his own tears flowed down his face.

He wiped away his tears with the back of his hand and squeezed my shoulder gently.  Dad reached over to Dylan’s tiny hand and with one finger, held his hand.  Dylan clasped my dad’s finger with his chubby little hand.

“Welcome back Dylan” Dad said, as he choked on his tears.

I bent down and kissed my son on the forehead, and took in his smell, the softness of his skin.

“Grandad? Would you like to cut Dylan’s umbilical cord?” the nurse asked, which snapped us both out of our daze.

“Oh yes, really? Yes I would” Dad said; he choked back a fresh batch of tears.

“Welcome back to the world Dylan, I promise to keep you safe, nothing can hurt you this time” I said in a whisper close to my son’s ear.

“I better go give Sandra a call, the poor woman will wonder what the hell has gone on in her kitchen” Dad laughed.

“Dad?” I said.

He turned to look at me pride seemed to ooze out every part of him.

“Yes baby?”

I shook my head.

“Um, I got a letter today, it’s on the table can you ask Sandra to just throw it in the bin before she comes please?”

He gave me a strange smile and raised one eyebrow, his eyes narrowed as he tried to read my face. I forced a smile as I resolved that I would never mention what Tilly had said about Michael.

When Dad left I barely heard him; I was so consumed with my son, I took in every little part of him. He was perfect, more perfect than I could ever have imagined.

“Ok let’s get Dylan wrapped up in a blanket, so you can have a shower” the nurse said as she reached out to take Dylan from my arms.

I held onto him tight, I didn’t want to let him go. The nurse seemed to be able to read my concerns.

“It’s ok, I’m just going to put him in the bassinet here, and I won’t leave the room, so he will be safe” she said.

I smiled and nodded, I released Dylan as she took him over to the crib and wrapped him into a white blanket. The other nurse who I hadn’t even noticed in the room previously, assisted me out of the bed and into the bathroom to the shower.

“I bet you didn’t expect your delivery to be that quick hey?” she laughed.

I smiled and looked back over at my shoulder at the nurse fussing over Dylan, as she put arm bands on his tiny wrists.

“It was only an hour from when your dad said you rang him to having Dylan” the nurse said with a laugh, as she turned the shower on for me.

It felt wonderful to stand under the water, as I looked down at my belly, no longer hard and round, but flabby and loose skinned. I let the hot water run down over my head, and body, allowing it to soak into my skin, and enjoy the sensation. When I came out of the shower, the nurse had wrapped Dylan in a blue blanket, and I noticed he had mittens and a grow suit on. I also noticed they had dried his hair off. He had so much hair, dark and wavy. I smiled down at my sleeping baby, as the nurse guided me to a chair to sit down.

“Want to try and give him a feed?” she asked.

I nodded and explained that I didn’t know how. With her help, I felt Dylan, start suckling on my breast, taking in his first drink of milk. I didn’t think I could love another being as much as I loved him at that moment. Everything finally felt right.

Chapter Twenty Two.

I heard Sandra’s squeals of delight before I saw her.  There standing in the door of the maternity ward, was the flushed face of Sandra, her eyes filled with tears. 

“Oh baby girl” she squealed as she raced towards me, and stopped inches from my face.

She planted a big kiss on my cheek, and leant forward to get a closer look at baby Dylan. She touched his hand that poked out from the top of the blanket, his eyes closed tightly.  As he clasped her finger, he opened his eyes.

Sandra and I stared at each other in complete disbelief as Dylan, my baby only two hours old, stared up at his grandmother and flashed her a killer smile.

It was so brief, that neither of us truly believed our own eyes.

“Did he?” Sandra said.

“I think so”

Sandra stood up and shook her head slightly, her face had paled.

“Dylan. He came back”

I nodded, and leant forward to give my son a kiss on the forehead.

“He did” I said.

Sandra moved in closer to me.

“I read the letter from Tilly, I’m sorry but I told your Dad” she said.

A feeling of betrayal surged through me, I groaned and closed my eyes, and my son wriggled in my arms and let out a whimper.

“Listen, he said he already knew and that he would speak to you about it. But he is your Dad, Mon, not that sperm donating junkie scum” she said, her eyes glazing over in anger.

I nodded. I knew that. But it shocked me to know that Dad knew about Michael.

“I guess it was a good thing I looked like my mum then” I laughed.

Sandra chuckled and squeezed me tight.  Dad came into the room with Jessica.  She was filled with little girl giggles and squeals as she cooed all over Dylan. I knew I had an instant babysitter. I saw Sandra share a look with Dad.

“Thank you Dad, for everything” I said as I looked up at him.

Sandra eased Dylan out of my arms, and placed him in Jessica’s waiting embrace. I stood up and wrapped my Dad up in a hug. He nuzzled down into my neck as he let out a hiccupping sob.

“You were always my daughter Mon” he said.

“And you will always be my Dad” I said with tears running down my face.

When Dad let go of me the nurses moved me back to the bed before they took me to a ward. I closed my eyes; the exhaustion of my life over the last ten months had set in. Sandra, Dad and Jessica followed behind as we went to ward, Dylan lay happily in my arms against my chest. I couldn’t imagine life being anymore perfect at that moment. I felt the nurse take Dylan from my arms, while Sandra, Jessica and Dad still cooed over him, and I drifted off into a heavy and peaceful sleep.  No dreams, no nightmares, just beautiful happy sleep.