Rock Me Slowly (25 page)

Josh accusing me of being unfaithful with Mickey is ludicrous. However, I’m still confused to why he said I was in bed with Mickey.

“How dare you Josh. I have stood by you when all that crap came out about Jasmine and this is how you repay me? You go out to a shoddy bar and get yourself absolutely hammered and fuck a cheap little tart in the men’s room no less. Yeah you have some nerve giving yourself the moral high ground don’t you think?”

I can’t stop the tears any longer they are now falling down my cheek full force. I’m angry at myself for letting Josh see me so hurt that I cry. I’m not a crier, never have been but Josh seems to bring out emotions in me that I buried long ago. Crying never did any good when I was the victim of school yard bullying. I have toughened up a lot since then but maybe Josh was the one that I finally felt ready to hand over my everything to.

What a damn fool!

“Sophie I didn’t fuck her, she came onto me and I pushed her away. Mickey saw it all didn’t he tell you?” Josh glances over at Mickey willing him to back him up. It isn’t going to happen seeing as Mickey has already confessed all to me already.

“Don’t look at me mate. You know I came into that bathroom and saw you fucking that little blonde up against the wall. Don’t make it worse for yourself Josh. Sophie deserved to know the truth there’s no way you could have kept it from her. I respect her too much even if you don’t.” Well Mickey don’t sugar-coat it any. He does have a point though, I would have been more hurt if he hadn’t said anything and had kept having a sexual relationship with me.

“You asshole, you know I didn’t fuck her. I pushed her away as you came into the men’s room and you know it. How can you stand there and lie to Sophie. As much as you hate me you know that’s not the truth. I can’t believe you would stoop that low.” Josh is going crazy now and he is struggling to reign in any kind of control.

Mickey again tries to grab Josh by the shoulders to calm him but Josh Is having none of it. Josh swings his fist back and before I know what is happening he has punched Mickey straight between the eyes. I just stand stunned in the middle of the room. I really don’t know what to do, do I let them go at it or do I try to separate them?

Josh and Mickey send blows into each other’s bodies rapidly. Mickey gets the upper hand this time and sends Josh flying across the room into the closet. Josh’s face is in a bloody mess and I hurt for him but I really don’t have it in me to help him.

Blaine and Zack rush into the bedroom and pull Mickey off of Josh, the noise of the crumbling closet breaking having woken them.

“Come on you two enough is enough. This has gone too far get your asses out of here.” Blaine shouts above my incessant tears. Mickey is dragged out by Blaine and Zack supports Josh on his shoulder to help him out.

As Josh limps out of the room he gives me a look that can only be described as pure contempt and it hurts me more than I could ever say. I still don’t understand why he said I was in bed with Mickey, it just doesn’t make any sense.

The realisation hits me like a brick square in the face. I love Josh and the pain of him cheating on me is dragging me under and there is the very firm possibility of me drowning under the pressure of loving him so damn much. However, the reality of it is was that he was just using me. The pain is ripping me apart.

Once again I’m back in this damn bathroom and the memories flooding me are ripping me apart shred by shred. Just the thought of having Sophie under me, on me and dominating me is driving me crazy. How can one woman affect me so utterly? How can one woman own me like no other and how can I be hurt so damn much by one woman, one amazing woman. I’ve done it this time, I really have. I called her a whore and the look of disgust in her face sizzled my insides into a liquid mess. I felt like the world’s biggest dick.

At the end of the day though she slept with Mickey and that is something that is going to eat at me for a long time. Mickey must have loved that, bedding my woman. He has been looking for an opportunity to destroy me for a year now and well, he has done it good and proper now. I’m devastated not only by Mickeys relentless chasing of Sophie but more the fact that Sophie gave into him after hearing his version of events.

Complete bullshit!

Mickey is a compulsive liar that is one fact I’m sure of now. I will never again believe anything that comes out of his sleazy mouth. That liar told Sophie I fucked that girl in the bathroom and I did no such thing. I wasn’t even tempted by her mainly due to the fact that I wanted nothing more than to be with Sophie when I woke up in the morning until I went to sleep at night.

I can’t shake the anger. I want to bust something or someone up so bad but if I do I know I would be going down for murder. I stare into the mirror and take in my bruised and battered face. What kind of person have I become? Has this rock star life ruined any semblance of a half decent man I could have become? Fame destroys most relationships before they get off the ground. I have seen it happen too many times to count and it looks like Sophie and I are its latest victims.

God what a fucking mess this whole thing is!

The anger becomes too much and I punch the huge oval mirror in front of me. The glass shatters into what seems like a million tiny pieces and I feel slightly better now that I can’t see my pathetic face anymore.

My head hurts but not from the alcohol I consumed last night, no, it hurts from the sheer volume of questions flying around it. The biggest one is why Sophie couldn’t talk to me about what Mickey told her. But no she jumps into bed with Mickey at the first opportunity. I never understood why people said their heart was broken until now. My heart and my chest ache so much from losing Sophie.

Sophie was my friend, my lover, my equal and most importantly she was my number one girl. I would have given her the world if I could have.

I tape up my now throbbing hand and I cast my mind back to Jasmine. I was a complete asshole to that poor girl. Since the truth had come out about her a few days ago I have been racking my brains wondering how I could make it better for her and Mickey. Well to hell with Mickey I’m not interested in doing anything to help him feel better. I wonder how I could get in touch with Jasmine; I need to explain things to her. I don’t want her to feel sorry for me but I want her to understand what kind of person I was a year ago. I’m no longer that jerk and I want her to know that.

Even though Sophie has betrayed me in the worst possible way I feel something for her even though I desperately want to hate her like I do Mickey. The emotion I’m feeling for Sophie is a confusing one but I think it is likely very close to that of love. Damn that girl for getting under my skin, for tearing down the walls that I worked so hard on putting up. Life was so much easier when I didn’t have Sophie on my mind 24/7. Now I can’t think of anything without Sophie’s beautiful face popping into my head. I want to hate her but I can’t and I’m not going to let her go without a damn good fight.

I’m going to focus on something else right now. I need to sort things out with Jasmine before I can move on, not only to let Sophie know how serious I am about getting her back but I need to do it to give my soul peace. I’m haunted by my actions of that night.

I walk out of the bathroom and look around the bus looking for any sign of the others. It seems all is quiet, I head into the kitchen and open up the huge stainless steel refrigerator and pour myself a glass of orange juice. I tank down the orange juice and glance over at the kitchen island and see Mickey’s iPhone lying face down.

I take a sideways glance to double check there is no one around. It seems everyone has gone back to bed so I pick up his cell and access his contacts. I skim through them until I get to Jasmine. I pull up her number and copy her number into my own cell.

This is a dodgy move that could backfire on me but I have to at least try to sort things out between us. God, I hardly recognise this new Josh. Okay, so I still get wasted when things get tough but never in a million years would I have cared about a little girl’s feelings after a sexual encounter. I could almost get to like this guy I’m turning into.

I head into the entertainment room to make a necessary phone call. It could go one of two ways, either she listens to me or she turns me down flat. I’m going for the latter.

I dial the number and it starts ringing, well that’s a good sign. Its only gone 5.30am and I had pictured her phone being switched off. My palms are sweating with nerves at speaking with the girl I had fucked and chucked out like she was yesterday’s trash. She is not going to like hearing from me again, that I know. It continues to ring and the longer it does the harder my heart beats in my chest. I want her to answer but then I don’t at the same time.

If today has taught me anything it has taught me not to fuck with karma because that’s coming back to get you later.

“Urgh hello. Who is this?” Jasmines groggy voice has definitely caught me off guard. It’s as if I’m back in time, back to that night a year ago. “Hello, is anyone there?” Right game time.

“Erm, yea… its Josh. You know Josh from Buried Alive plays guitar in your brother’s band.” Duh, of course she knows who Buried Alive are you moron!

“You have got to be kidding me. Why the hell would you even think I would want to talk to you? Do you even know how things have been for me since last year?” Okay so I knew this was going to be hard for her but I didn’t realise how hard.

“Look, I know I’m the last person you want to talk to but I have to explain. I didn’t even know you were Mickey’s half-sister. I feel like a complete shit. Please just give me a chance to explain everything, please.” Fingers crossed she will at least hear me out.

“Get talking then. This ought to be good.”

“Not over the phone. Are you still living in New York? Would you meet me for a coffee at 10am? I need to be able to say this face to face, it’s important to me. Please?”

There is silence at the other end of the phone and I’m not sure if she’s hung up without saying a word. Suddenly when I had given up hope she answers me.

“Okay I’ll meet you but I’m telling you, this had better be good. This last year has been the worst year of my life and I can’t wait to hear the excuses you come up with. Anyway, has Mickey kicked your ass yet? He wanted to kill you but I stopped him, told him you weren’t worth it. I wasn’t wrong.” Jasmine sighs dramatically and I tend to agree with her.

“Yes hes kicked my butt on more than one occasion. So where can I meet you then?”

“Meet me at Starbucks on 9th street. Don’t be late; I can’t stand rock stars that think we all owe them our patience. You owe me plain and simple, Josh.”

“Okay ill meet you there and Jasmine?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks for at least giving me the chance. I don’t really deserve it.”

“Bye Josh.” With that Jasmine hangs up and I now have something to work towards, mending a broken bridge from a year ago. I’m not doing this just for Sophie but for me too, I need to make peace with my past.

I arrive five minutes early for our face to face and I have to say I’m rather nervous. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine facing this girl again. This takes some balls on her part, she most likely hates my guts, but yet she is willing to come here and hear me out. I need to get my shit together if I’m to fight for Sophie.

As I walk into Starbucks I spot Jasmine sitting at the very top of the establishment. She has already got herself a coffee so that saves fucking about with the niceties. We need to get down to business.

I sit down across from her and I’m amazed at how pretty she actually is. Why didn’t I notice that before? Oh yes because I was trollied that night. She smiles kindly at me but I can see the hurt deep within her beautiful brown eyes.

Hi Josh, so why exactly have you asked me to come here to meet with you?” Jasmine dives straight in.

“Look Jasmine I regret that night, I wish it didn’t happen that way. I understand you must be hurting right now, I’m an ass.” That’s an understatement, Josh.

“Josh I don’t think you really know how much your actions have affected me at all. Since that night I have dabbled with weak drugs like pot to the mega hard stuff like cocaine, it ruined me for a while. I’m still hanging on the alcohol but Mickey managed to get me off the drugs but it has taken me a while.” Jasmine says gingerly whilst looking down at her coffee, the admission hurts her heart, I can tell.

“Oh Jasmine I’m sorry. Christ, how the fuck do I manage to fuck everybody’s life up that I touch? I’m glad Mickey has been there for you though. I don’t know what I can say that can make it up to you, probably nothing.” I try to take her hand to show her just how sincere I’m being but she pulls it away before I get the chance.

“Don’t, the last time you touched me was the start of my swift fall into the life of drink and drugs. It’s so destructful.” Jasmine stares into space obviously recalling harder times in the past year.

“I’m so, so sorry Jasmine. I want to make it better, I want us to sort this out, I want you to understand the kind of person I was a year ago. I am completely different now.”

“Well I’m waiting; I didn’t come here for nothing you know.” Jasmine smiles a thin smile, but there is one, maybe there is hope.

“Well, I never found out that you were Mickey’s sister until a few nights ago, since then I have been tearing myself to shreds with guilt and regret. God, I regret how I treated you. You didn’t deserve that, no one does. Mickey and I have fought twice since he told me it was you I used that night. I wish I could turn the clock back.” I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

“Josh what has happened that has changed you so much? You didn’t give a damn about anything before. You never really had a kind bone in your body, even Mickey agreed with that and he has known you a long time. I need to know what has changed in your life to make you this completely different person that is sitting in front of me. You never once displayed any kind of emotion to me that night and Mickey seems to think you have always been indifferent. So tell me, what’s happened?” Jasmine taps her chin in contemplation.