Rock Me Slowly (9 page)

When I was sitting in the tub and Josh walk flashed me one of his pantie dropping smiles, my heart felt happy even though I have the ever present issue of my job hanging over our attraction. I felt ready to try and act upon what I was feeling for him. For a stupid minute I thought that I was going to throw my reservations to the side for a few minutes of pure pleasure with Josh. What a fool I have been. How could I be so crazy to think that he would want me even for a quick fuck against the bathroom wall? He had me exactly where he wanted me and I let him see exactly how much I needed him. Then he just got up and walked out, leaving me bereft and wanting. What a moron!!

I sat in the bathroom for the longest time, wrapping my arms around myself wondering just how I was going to be able to face Josh again. I felt humiliated and used. I could have accepted it if only I wasn’t starting to fall in love with him. I guess this is my punishment for dumping Carter and leaving him undoubtedly heartbroken. Carter was a really nice guy, he never left me feeling used or humiliated after a sexual encounter. He was a kind lover and always made sure I came first. He treated me with the utmost respect, but at the end of the day I wanted something more. I want explosive sex with a man I can’t live one minute without. I want him to dominate me, to love me and cherish me and be my sexual equal. I felt I could have had that with Josh, but alas it was not to be.

Just when I was feeling strong enough to head out of the bathroom I heard a scuffle and glass shattering against the hardwood floor. I open the door gingerly unsure of what I’m about to find in the entertainment room. I can’t hear the words that are being exchanged between Mickey and Josh but it’s clear to see that the two of them are fighting. I become very agitated that their scuffle could have been due to me. The last thing I want to do is come between two friends that are in a band together. As I stride over to the room and barge my way in. I can feel my own anger and a palpable rage bubbles up through me.

Josh is absolutely pummelling Mickey and I make an immediate decision to pull him off of Mickey before he really hurts him, or worse. The last thing I need is for Josh to kill Mickey. Although Josh hurt me there back in the bathroom, I care very deeply about him and what happens to him.

I grab him gently but with enough force so that he is forced to look back to see who is demanding his attention. The look in his eyes catches me totally off guard once more. There is something more hidden deep within those beautiful brown eyes but I can’t place it right now. Immediately I see Josh looking down into Mickeys eyes and he makes the conscious effort to pull himself away from him. It took a great sense of will to do that and I’m very proud of him for it.

As he stands to face me it suddenly occurs to me that I have forgiven him for his behaviour in the bathroom. Forgiven not forgotten. I place my hand on his face and gently stroke it, silently conveying the message that I’m here for him, for anything. There is so much hurt in Josh’s eyes and I just wish to hell he would open up to me, least then I might be able to help him.

I glance down at his knuckles and realise he has some pretty deep cuts and the bruising has already started to turn his hand an angry shade of purple. I stroke his hands and he flinches at the contact. He has hurt himself pretty badly and will need cleaned up as soon as possible. I lead Josh by the wrist into the kitchen so that I can get his hands cleaned.

Josh sits on the stool by the breakfast bar whilst I try and locate the first aid kit.

“It’s on the top shelf of that cupboard.” Josh points to a large cupboard on the right and I can hear the solemn tone to his voice. I reach up into the cupboard and grab the offending first aid kit and bring it to sit on the breakfast bar. I open it up and grab the antiseptic spray, some gauge, a bandage, surgical scissors and some tape.

“Josh come and run your hand under the tap so we can get it clean.” I stare at Josh awaiting his response but I don’t get one. “Josh, we need to wash your hand to get it clean, come on now.” Still nothing, what the hell is going on in that head of his? I walk around the breakfast bar and grab him by his chin and forcibly turn his head towards me. “Josh get your ass over to that sink now and let’s get your hand washed, it’s a bloody mess.” This time he seems to take in what I have been saying to him.

“Okay Sophie.”

I lead him over to the sink all the while never taking my eyes off him. There’s something so off about this picture and it’s not just the bloody hand. I carefully take his right hand and put it under the constant stream of cold water; I don’t want it to get infected. Josh grits his teeth at the pain and I really feel sorry for him.

“Fuck Sophie, are you trying to fucking kill me? That hurts.” I almost laugh at his bottom lip pouting. He really is just a little boy underneath the whole bad boy act.

“Oh Josh you did it to yourself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.” I finish up washing his hand and pat it gently with a towel that was lying beside the sink. It looks much better already but it will need to be covered to prevent any further damage. I really don’t know if he will be able to play guitar tomorrow night.

“I know you care Sophie; I think it’s that that is killing me.” He bows his head and looks to the floor. What a stubborn man, can’t he see what is in front of his face. I drag his sorry ass back over to his stool and put both my hands on his shoulders and force him to sit. I set about dressing his hand and trying hard not to pay any attention to the elephant in the room.

I spray antiseptic spray on his wound and he nearly shoots right out of his chair. Oh the poor baby! I apply some antiseptic cream and wrap it up with some gauge and tape it down. I complete my nurse maid job by wrapping his whole hand in a tight bandage. That will give it the best chance of healing enough for Josh to perform tomorrow night.

“Now try and not get involved in any more fights and you might just be able to play tomorrow night.”

“Oh Shit Sophie. What will I do if it’s not?”

“You had just better pray that you are able to. Now get yourself off to bed. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow for all of us.” With that Josh walks slowly out of the kitchen and down the corridor to the cabins, gently clutching his hand.

I wake with a god awful pain in both my head and my hand and it takes a few moments for me to remember exactly what the hell happened last night. The headache came from the bourbon and the pain in my hand from smashing up Mickeys face. That was a total duff move but he totally goaded me into doing it. Of course, this would be the perfect opportunity for him to get back at me, the one and only time that I fall for a girl and that douche decides that he wants to take a pop at her. He can take any woman that happens to make a move on me during the tour but he has to leave Sophie alone. She is the only one keeping me sane right now.

Just thinking about Sophie has me hurting inside. The look of tenderness when she pulled me off Mickey near damn well broke my own heart. I just hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me; for once I had put someone’s feelings before my own. I rake my hands through my hair whilst looking up at the cabin above me; it’s pretty quiet, the other guys must already be up. I feel like shit but I have to get my crap together and prepare for the onslaught of today, our first gig in San Diego.

I swing my legs out of my cabin and I rest my arms on my thighs and bow my head and quietly contemplate just how I’m going to convince Sophie that all I want to be is friends. In reality my body is craving her badly. I also have the issue of whether I’m going to be able to play guitar tonight, if it’s not one thing it’s another. I really don’t do things by halves!

I walk past the kitchen and the entertainment room and head straight to the bathroom. I really can’t talk to anyone right now. I have to get my head straight first. I close the door to the bathroom and it’s as if being in here again is some kind of trigger to remind me of the way I behaved last night. I can almost see the scene flashing back in front of me. That kiss was by far the most intense connection I have ever felt and that is exactly the reason why I retreated.

God the feel of her lips on mine, I got hard in 0.5 seconds.

Anyone I have ever been close to in my life has either hurt me or left me and in the end I always revert to form and hurt someone that I didn’t intend to. I refuse to be the person that destroys Sophie; I will not break her heart. Just as I’m protecting Sophie from me, I’m also protecting her from Mickey. Over my dead body does he get his grubby little hands on her. If I can’t have her then no one else in the band is getting her either. I’m a selfish bastard!

I shower slowly and rinse away the emotional turmoil of yesterday. Today’s a new day and I’m going to make damn sure that I don’t repeat any of those mistakes. I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my hips and stare at the creature looking back at me in the mirror. When did I get so closed off, why can’t I just lead a healthy life? I would love a family and a wife but I just know that that just isn’t in my future; I really don’t deserve those kinds of things. When I look in the mirror all I can see is this emotionless man. My eyes are the only thing that gives off the hurt I have experienced.

My childhood was quite simply traumatic and painful and it is that experience that has inspired a lot of my tattoos. I have a child angel tattooed on my shoulder blade which signifies my dead childhood. Ha I never even really had one, kind of ironic, huh? There are many more all over my body. It has become something of an obsession and I’m now running out of skin to get anymore. I have left a small space on my wrist for a special woman that may come along though.

Really who am I kidding, that special woman has already come along!

I walk out of the bathroom and walk chest first straight into Sophie. Her hands land on my pecs and it sends a pleasurable shiver through my body. This is exactly what I’m up against. I grit my teeth and try and act like the contact didn’t just light me up.

“Sorry Sophie, now if you don’t mind I need to go and get dressed.” I say nonchantly without smiling. Being like this is eating me up but it’s for the best. I really should have listened to her in the first place.

“Look Josh I don’t know what happened yesterday but if it helps I wasn’t freaked out by what happened. In fact I really enjoyed it. You were right it was amazing and you knew all along we would be great, didn’t you?” She is biting her bottom fucking lip and its taking everything not to grab her head and push her down to her knees so she can take care of the ache in my cock. Why the hell is she so fucking beautiful?

“Look Sophie. Look at me. What happened between us will never happen again. What did happen was a complete lack of judgement on my part; I won’t allow it to happen again. You and me can never be what you want us to be. You were going to be nothing more than a convenient fuck Sophie. I’m on a bus with a bunch of guys and you are the only woman around for miles. I thought why the hell not fuck her brains out. Don’t mistake it for feelings of love or even that I care about you. You mean absolutely nothing to me. Now I’m going to go and get dressed. Got to look good for tonight, who knows what women will be vying for my attention.”

I quickly step past Sophie before my face cracks and she sees through the complete and utter bullshit that I just spun her. I really didn’t mean to be so damn mean to her but once I started spinning the lie I just couldn’t stop adding to it.

What a fucking douche. You said you didn’t want to hurt her? What the fuck was that? If that wasn’t hurting her then god knows what is. You have put the final nail in the coffin now! You can forget about her wanting to be your friend.

I grab a pair of blue jeans and a tank and head back to the bathroom to change. On my way to the bathroom I have to walk past Sophie’s office and I can hear her sobbing her little heart out. My heart hurts so bad for her. I think it’s breaking piece by piece for her. If I was ever unsure of how Sophie felt about me, I have my answer right there.

I’m a bastard.

I lock myself in the bathroom and get dressed quickly not really feeling any of the enthusiasm for the tour now. It’s going to be very painful living on the bus with Sophie and not even being able to sneak little touches when no one is looking. I can’t even watch her while she works. What’s worse is the interaction that we have to be subjected to in her line of duty. Sophie really wasn’t kidding when she said she didn’t want to get involved with me when it could interfere with work.

Conflict of interest, Sophie wasn’t fucking kidding!

I head out of the bathroom and walk into the kitchen to grab myself a bite to eat. I look in the fridge and find myself the OJ and settle for that. I start to take a large mouthful when I’m launched into the fridge front first by a force from behind me.

“What the fuck?!” it momentarily winds me and I turn around straight into the fist of Blaine. I brace myself against the breakfast bar and stare down into Blaine’s angry eyes. His jaw is twitching, a sure fire sign he is pissed.

“What the fuck have you done to Sophie you son of a bitch?”

Sophie

I am sitting on the floor of my office as the memory of Josh’s hurtful words come back to haunt me. How could he be so damn cruel? We had a connection I just know it, the one man that I have actually fallen for and he decides to destroy me so completely. So for a stupid idiotic minute I thought that we could actually disregard my worries about my job and just give into our attraction.

How stupid could I really be?

This is exactly the reason I don’t do love. All love causes is a broken heart and leaving you torn and broken and unsure if whether you really want to trust or love ever again. I was totally blindsided on this one. For crying out loud it was Josh that chased me all the way! I should of just stuck to my gut instinct and told him no.

But oh no Sophie you just couldn’t do that, could you?

Josh will come out of this pretty damn well, me on the other hand, well this could well destroy my faith in love forever.