RockMeTonight (15 page)

We worked on
Annabel Lee
until we had a solid version
of the music—dark, somber, throbbing rifts, and heavy drumbeats. We’d tweak it
some more, but it was a good start. Then we finished up practicing some of our
newer songs.

Throughout the week, I worked out my grief over losing Lily
as I worked on new lyrics to the Annabel Lee song. Working on the song also
kept me connected to her. As if there was hope that someday we’d find a way.
Someday we would be together.

Friday night we had a gig in Boston. I still hadn’t figured
out the best way to incorporate the Ligeia story into Annabel Lee so we played
the version we worked on in practice the other night with just the poem.
Usually when I was onstage, I wailed the lyrics to rile the crowd up, give them
what they wanted. Like in New York. Tonight I sang onstage not for them, but
for me. I closed my eyes as I sang the song and cried out my demons, my loss,
my grief. I barely noticed the audience was even there.

The crowd loved it. Some of them knew the poem and sang
along once they caught the rhythm. I just wished someone else were here to
listen. The woman who inspired me to write it and brought me to my knees. The
woman I’d lost in the mountains. Who trusted me with her secret and I blew it,
only realizing what a fool I was too late.

Perhaps the guys were right. Maybe I wanted Lily even more
because she rejected me. And now I was idealizing her. If I had her, would I
get bored because I had gotten what I wanted and the challenge was gone?

No, that wasn’t it! I saw her change into a fucking mountain
lion! If there was any time I could take an out, that was it. My feelings for
Lily were real. It wasn’t just some challenge. It wasn’t just some game. This
wasn’t like anything I’d felt for a woman before. It was unequivocally the real
deal. I needed her as naturally as I needed a heart to beat or lungs to
breathe.

Too bad Lily didn’t realize it. Was she still in the
mountains trying to figure out whom she was? How could I support her in that?
Assuming she ever wanted to see me again, which according to the last time I
saw her was not the case.

Would I ever see her again? Would she even want to see me?

Lily

Moving from a state of denial to one of acceptance unleashed
a wave of questions I’d been harboring deep inside. For good reason—whom did I
have to ask until now? Now that I met Angelo and Katrina and saw how
normal
they
were, even though they were shifters, it was easier to believe I wasn’t as much
of a freak as I’d always considered.

We were out in the garden area. One thing I noticed about
Angelo and Katrina was that they spent as much time as they could outside. We
were cleaning up weeds and stray brush that cluttered their garden. Although
they were technically living on a dirt road in the mountains, they had enough
of an area surrounding their house cleared of trees so they had plenty of open
space in the sun.

“Ooh look,” Katrina said. “More crocuses popped up. Spring
is finally here.”

“In a month we can start planting some vegetables,” Angelo
said.

“You two garden?”

“We try to grow enough of our own vegetables to reduce the
number of trips we have to take into town.”

Deep down I also envied their relationship because their
closeness was clearly something special. However, they were both shifters,
which simplified the cross-species dating aspect. I’d only dated humans because
I only knew humans. I thought about how much easier it would be to date a
shifter. Then I crossed the idea off my list.I didn’t think I’d want this
lifestyle all the time. Truthfully I couldn’t think of any other man besides
the one who came to find me here in the forest, who’d searched through the
night to find me. Whom I told to go away and forget me.

Was that a mistake?

No, it was for the best. Nico and I had too many
differences to make it work.

No, you don’t. You only have one.

Looking around the glorious mountain area with the trees
lush with the greens of spring, I asked, “What’s it like living here?”

“Quiet,” Katrina said.

“Neighbors far enough they don’t get into your business,”
Angelo added.

“Sounds like paradise,” I said. “I could get used to living
like this.”

“People in the city always say that,” Angelo said. “But it’s
also a lot of work being on your own out here. Things you take for granted
living in a town could turn out to be a much bigger obstacle out here. There’s
no store right down the road you can pop into to get something you need. Trips
into town are carefully coordinated.”

Maybe he was right. As much as I enjoyed the tranquility of
the mountains, once a month was enough for me. I’d lived in or near cities for
too long and liked the convenience.

Time to stray away to the more difficult subjects. If I was
going to learn about my nature, I had to start now.

“Can I ask you a question about shifting?”

“Shoot,” Angelo said.

“Can you change at will?”

“All the time,” he said.

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

“The change? No. It’s no more different than thinking about
moving your arm up and actually doing it.”

“It hurts for me,” I said. “When I change. I feel everything
moving inside me. Bones moving, muscles contorting. It’s awful.”

“That’s because you fight it,” Katrina said. “It’s so much
easier, so much smoother, if you just go with the flow.”

“Can you show me?”

“Of course.” Katrina took off her hoodie and then unhooked
her bra. I tried not to stare as she undressed in front of me and revealed her
breasts, her tiny pink nipples standing out on her tawny skin. She took off her
clothes without any embarrassment, even when she removed her panties. How did
she do that in front of a stranger in the light of day? Then I almost snickered
remembering my actions during the drive back from Rockport with Nico.

When she was fully naked, she said, “Okay. First you need to
remove your clothes if you don’t want them to end up in shreds. Second, take a
few deep breaths to center yourself. Third, try to get your mind as clear and
empty as you can, as if you’re meditating, and visualize yourself in your
feline form. And then you just—do it.”

She transformed almost instantly. One second I saw a naked
female, the next, she was elongating while folding down to all fours to become
a mountain lion. Her body was lean and sleek with light-colored fur. Katrina’s
curious green eyes stared out from the face of the feline.

“Holy shit!” I said. “That was crazy.”

Is that what I look like as a feline?

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Angelo said, rubbing her back.

In another instant she transformed back into human form.

“Easy,” Katrina said.

“Wow, that’s amazing,” I said. I turned to Angelo. “You can
do it just like that too?”

“Of course.” He began stripping off his clothes. I couldn’t
help but notice the tight muscles in his chest, sprinkled with dark hair on his
tanned skin.

“Uh—you really don’t have to do that in front of me.”

“Oh. Does this make you uncomfortable?” He motioned to his
naked torso.

“Um, well, you don’t have to strip in front of me. That’s
okay.”

“Lily, you’re a shifter,” Katrina said. “We often run in
packs. Males, females. So yes, we’re naked. It’s not a big deal for us.
Embarrassment about nudity is definitely a human thing.”

I felt stupid. Of course they were right, they were animals.
No, wait,
we
were animals. You never saw an animal self-conscious about
any private parts showing.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. Go ahead.”

Angelo continued taking off his clothes and I tried not to
look. When he said “Ready,” I looked up to see a glorious nude human male right
before he transformed into a mountain lion. He was bigger than Katrina was and
his fur was a darker shade, much like his olive skin. His eyes had lightened
though. They weren’t so dark and intense anymore.

“Your eyes—they changed color. They’re more golden than they
were.”

“Closer to your color,” Katrina said. “Maybe a shade
darker.”

“What’s with the eye color then? Is it a shifter thing?”

“Yeah,” Katrina said. “Similar to the ones you find on full
mountain lions. But with some human eye color mixed in. We get the best of both
worlds.”

Imagine that. Looking at shifting as having the best of both
worlds. I hope that someday I would think like that.

“You both make shifting from one form to another look so
easy.”

“Just relax. And give it a try,” Katrina said.

I took off my shirt first, trying to brush off feelings of
human self-consciousness. “Angelo, can you stay in that form, please? It’s
easier for me to undress if you’re not watching me as a naked man.”

He nodded in his mountain lion form.

I removed the rest of my clothing and stood naked with
Katrina. “Just close your eyes, try to block out everything else and picture
yourself in your feline form,” she said.

I did as she directed, but nothing happened. I tried again.

“Does it take awhile?” I asked.

“It takes practice to clear your mind and get your body in
sync, yes.”

I tried a few more times, but still nothing.

Katrina said, “Maybe having an audience is making you
nervous. Come on, Angelo, let’s give her some privacy.” Directing her attention
back to me, she said, “Just remember to stay calm and not think about anything
else.”

She transformed back to a mountain lion and they ran off
into the woods.

I watched them bound away as light and playful as two very
large kittens. Then I tried again.
Just think and do.
When it didn’t
work, I took deep breaths to clear my head.
Focus. Stay calm.
I sat down
in cross-legged yoga-style and focused on my breathing the way Ally taught me
to do. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Once I slowed down my breathing, I felt calm enough to try
again. Standing up I then visualized myself in my mountain lion form. Before I
knew what happened, I had changed. No pain, no slow changes, just like that.

I was so excited I wanted to find Angelo and Katrina.
Picking up their scent, I followed in their direction.

I found Angelo and Katrina playing around a stream. I didn’t
know how to communicate to them in this form, but in my head I said,
Angelo,
Katrina, it worked!

They noticed me. I heard them say
Cool
and
We knew
you could do it
, only it wasn’t actual words I could hear, but in my mind.

You can hear me?
I was stunned; we were in mountain
lion form. Since I’d never communicated to anyone—or anything—in this way
before, I didn’t know what forms of communication were possible.

Yes
, they both replied.

I walked closer to them, examining them with my feline eyes.
I’d never looked at my kind through these eyes before. Sure I’d seen them last
month, but back then I was on the defensive. I was more wary to see if they’d
be hostile. Looking at them now, they appeared more like individual mountain
lions than they did with my human eyes. I didn’t just see two animals in front
of me of different size and shading; I saw two creatures who were clearly
different from each other and recognizable to me as Angelo and Katrina.

Can you read my mind or something?

Not exactly. It’s not as invasive as that
, Katrina
replied.

Then how are we communicating?

Not really sure
, Angelo said.
The same way animals
do, I imagine.

This is weird.

I walked up to each of them to get a better idea of their
distinctive scent, making them easier to identify, even in the dark.

Katrina shifted back to human form and Angelo followed soon
after. I changed back myself just by thinking it. Amazing how it was almost
effortless now. Even though we were naked, I didn’t feel the embarrassment as I
did earlier.

“You know something—not only could I get a better idea of
your scent, but you looked different when I was in that form.”

“I know what you mean,” Katrina said. “Trust me, you’ll
never look at another feline the same way again.”

“So mountain lions look more like individuals when you’ve
shifted?”

“Yes,” Angelo said. “You can still see remnants of the
differences in your human eyes once you’re aware of them, but it’s not as
pronounced as when you have that vision.” As I watched him speak, I was aware
that he was a fine male without clothing, but I wasn’t as affected or as
curious as I was earlier. My new discoveries had demanded too much of my
excitement.

“It’s incredible,” I said. “What about true mountain lions?
Does the same thing happen?”

Katrina shook her head. “We don’t know. We’re different than
they are.”

“You have to remember,” Angelo said. “We aren’t human and
we’re not mountain lions—we’re shifters. It’s an entirely different species if
you think about it.”

“I mean, we can change from one form to another at will,”
Katrina continued. “It’s beyond what most humans could comprehend. While this
transition is as natural to us as breathing, to humans it’s supernatural,
almost magical. Some might fear it and react violently, others might try to
exploit it for their own gain. For these reasons, as well as many others, we
have to keep our abilities a secret.”

I nodded slowly. The more I learned, the more my thirst for
knowledge grew. “Are there other shifters? For other species? You mentioned
werewolves. Do they exist?”

“Of course,” Angelo said. “We know of each other’s existence
and we’ve seen each other. However, we don’t generally mingle. We leave them in
peace and they leave us alone.”

“Everyone’s happier that way,” Katrina said.

My world was opening up to an entire new realm of
possibilities. The only thing I could say was, “Fuck me senseless.”

Too bad it wasn’t a classier response.

While I stayed with Angelo and Katrina over the next two
days, I peppered them with questions about shifters. They answered my questions
patiently, but I could sense they weren’t used to having company. Not wanting
to be a houseguest who overstayed her visit, I thanked them and told them I’d
be returning to Massachusetts later that day.

“You know how to reach us if you ever have questions. Or
want to return,” Katrina said.

“Yes, thank you. Thank you so much. You don’t know what a difference
you’ve made in my life. I can’t thank you enough.”

“No need,” Angelo said. “Like we said, we noticed you awhile
back.”

“And we waited for the moment to approach you.”

Before I left, I wanted to talk to Katrina alone. I asked
her to come out with me for a moment.

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure.”

Where did I begin? “I’m wondering if—um—you feel—sexier than
human women.”

She looked at me questioningly.

“What I mean is—uh—from what I know about human women and
what I know about myself, I feel like a—um—major horndog, to put it one way.”

She laughed. “Oh,
that’s
what you mean.”

“The only person I’ve ever talked to about it was my mom
because she knows what I am and she figured it’s part of the cat in me. Like a
feline going into heat. But I never wanted to get into the details with her
because, um—she’s my mom!”

Katrina laughed again. “Of course not. Yes, she’s right. We
definitely have that mating instinct that makes us horny as hell. Not that I’ve
ever heard any guy complain about that.”

“So this is normal? To think about sex—a lot? And to really,
really want it?”

“Yeah, of course. Guys do it all the time, right? Some women
are highly sexual too. It’s completely natural.”

“Thank God you said that. Since I hit puberty, my hormones
have wreaked havoc on my life. One part of me is dying to go out there and find
a mate while the other part is fighting to stay on my own and away from
others.”

“The drive to mate is pretty tough to overcome.”

“That brings up another one of my questions. What about mating?
I mean, how does it work? My mom was human and we assume my dad was a shifter
and that’s how I ended up being a shifter. Is it a dominant/recessive gene
thing, like whether you’ll get blue eyes or brown?”

“Lily, that is something I don’t know the answer to. We came
from a community of shifters. I don’t know of any offspring between humans and
shifters, besides you.”

“So if I have a child…” my voice trailed off.

“Who knows?” Katrina shrugged.

“Okay. I’m going to go out for a walk before I leave,” I said.
“Be back in an hour or so.”

Nico

Enough brooding about her. I was sick of writing damn songs
and screaming them out onstage. What good was it doing? It wasn’t doing a damn
bit to help me win her back. She might not want to see me again. She might turn
me down flat and tell me to bugger off. Nevertheless, I couldn’t go through the
motions of my job anymore. I had to take action.

I slammed my fist down on my desk in the office.

“Bro, what’s up?” Mike asked. “Is it some code again? I’ll
take a look if you want.”

“No, it’s that woman, dammit! I can’t get her out of my head
and it’s driving me utterly insane.”

“Back up, dude. Tell me what happened.”

I snorted. If only I could. Imagining the look on Mike’s
face when I got to the part about her being a mountain lion. I said, “Ha!”

“Ha what?”

“Never mind. It’s complicated.”

“Nah, I bet it’s not. Doesn’t it always come down to boy
meets girl, boy loses girl, yada yada yada?”

“What do you know about relationships? When’s the last time
you had one more than three weeks?”

“Hey, I’m in my prime.” He mussed up his hair, which was
already messy as usual. “I still have my hair and I’m in a rock band. It’s the
dream. Who knows how long this gig is going to last? There’s time for settling
down later. Before I go bald like my pop. For now, I’m going to score as much
as I can with the hottest women I can. They’re just as complicit anyway. How
many of them would actually be all over me if I weren’t Chee Keydood, guitarist
in a rock band? If they knew me as Mike Harvey, software engineer, would I be
getting this action?”

“Hell no. But still. Don’t you think you overdo it?”

“I think you underdo it myself. You’re the singer. Think how
much pussy you could get.
That’s
what’s insane—being caught up in one
woman.
Especially
a woman who’s driving you nuts.”

You don’t know what she’s like. You don’t know how she
makes me feel. There’s no one else like her.

“Speaking of which,” he said. “So is it what we’ve
guessed—you want her because you can’t have her? It’s the challenge, isn’t it?”

Was it?

“No.” I shook my head rapidly. “Maybe that was part of my
initial attraction to her. She gave me an icy-cold stare when I first
approached her and then she wouldn’t even tell me her real name. But we’ve
moved beyond that, developed something. I genuinely, unconditionally have
feelings for this woman.” When I noticed the sly look on Mike’s face and his
mouth open as if he was about to crack a joke, I continued, “And it’s not with
my dick.”

“Ooh.” He winced. “She’s a dog then? Nice, but not
attractive.”

“No, you nitwit. She’s hot as hell. I can’t keep my hands
off her when I’m near her.”

“So what’s the problem? She’s not into you?” Mike picked up
a red heart-shaped stress ball and started to squeeze it.

“Are you incapable of having a conversation without grabbing
one of those things?”

“Ha,” he said, putting it back down on his desk. “Sharing an
office with you is stressful.”

“Funny. To answer your question, she was into me. The most,”
I searched for the right word, “magnetic attraction I’d ever had with anyone.
And then—”
How do I tell this part without revealing Lily’s secret?
“Then I blew it. Now she doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

Mike chortled. “You’re such a jackass.”

“Thanks. You’re a big help, Mike. Remind me to come to you
with all of life’s problems.”

“Sorry, bro.” He sincerely tried to put on a straight face.
“It’s just classic you. When you finally get what you want, you blow it.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, and then I stopped.
“No, I don’t want to hear it. Lay off with the Freud analysis, okay, and let’s
focus. What should I do with this woman? How can I get her back?”

“Why are you asking me?” He mussed his hair again. “I don’t
know shit about relationships.”

I tilted back in my swivel chair and stared at the horrible
florescent lights mounted on the ceiling. At least Mike agreed with me not to
use the office horror lighting and we had a couple of lamps in our office.
“This conversation was a total waste of our time.”

“Wait, let me think,” Mike said. “Chicks like to feel
special. They want to know you’re thinking about them. They like a big romantic
gesture or something to show them you care.”

“She already told me to forget about her.”

“Nah, chicks love it when you show a little effort.”

“If I go after her after she told me to leave, is she going
to think I’m some kind of obsessed stalker?”

Mike grabbed the stress ball from his desk and threw it at
me. I caught it a split second before it hit my forehead.

“Only one way to find out.”

I threw the ball back at him and he caught it. “I’m bloody
gormless to take advice from the worst womanizer on the North Shore.”

“I love working with an English guy. Gormless? What the hell
does that mean? They swear way better over there than we do. What was I saying
again?” He looked around the office as if trying to remember where he was going
with what he was saying. “Oh yeah. There are plenty of scumbags worse than me.
I’m always a gentleman with the ladies.” He threw the squishy heart stress ball
into the air and caught it. “But if it does blow up in your face and she freaks
out on you, be sure to tell me all the gory details.”

“I need a new office mate.” I looked up at the ceiling.

“Shut it. You’d be bored as hell with one of those other
guys staring at their monitors for five hours without breaking eye contact. At
least with me, we have fun.”

“We do?”

Mike’s mouth dropped.

“Kidding, man. I hope your advice works.” Standing up, I
pushed my chair back. “I’m done for the day. And hopefully I won’t be in
tomorrow.”

“Want me to tell Stan?”

“I’ll tell him.” My supervisor was cool with flexible
schedules, which made him cool with me. “It depends what happens today.”

“Where you going?”

“The White Mountains.”

“What the hell are you going to do up there?”

“Try to get my girl back.”

Mike leaned back in his swivel chair and laughed. “Holy
shit, Nico Bedrosian has turned into an utterly romantic sap. What’s the number
for the news desk at the
Globe
?”

I tried calling Lily as I drove, on the off chance that she
was back home. Straight to voice mail. She must still be up there.

I swung by my place to grab a backpack and some clothes from
my bedroom. Then I grabbed some protein bars from the kitchen and a warmer
jacket and gloves. Hell, I might need a blanket so I grabbed one I’d used for
camping.

This time I drove up to the mountain. Enough bleeding buses!
Aware I was flying over the speed limit, I reluctantly slowed down. No need to
get pulled over and delay this anymore. I barely noticed the two hours or so of
driving as I thought about what I’d say when I found her. If I found her.

Her car was in the same spot off the trails where she had
left it. Therefore, she was still out there somewhere. I found her once.
Perhaps I’d find her again. I followed the same paths, calling out to her,
blind to all the splendor of the mountains around me. I wasn’t here to
sightsee; I had one purpose and that was to find her.

A voice in the back of my head reminded me what happened
last time—how she had asked me to leave—and it reminded me how stupid I was to
come back for a second blow.