RockMeTonight (12 page)

“How do you know when it’s going to happen? You don’t just
sit out here naked all night, do you?” Wait, why was I going along with her
crazy joke? So she could laugh at me later?

Was she crazy? Totally fucking out-of-her-mind nuts that she
thought she changed into an animal every month.

“I feel it coming on. Something inside.”

“What should I do after you change?” Why was I asking these
questions and feeding into her madness?

“Go back to the hotel. Meet me back here at eight in the
morning. I’ll be human again by then.”

“Okay.” Shaking my head at myself for agreeing to this.
“Wait—are you crazy? Like you’re supposed to be on medication or you
hallucinate? Is that what this is?”

She ignored me and looked up at the moon again. My eyes
followed hers. The outline of a full moon was coming into its own, fighting for
its place among the thousands of tiny stars blanketing the sky.

“It’s coming,” she said. “Don’t be afraid. I won’t ever hurt
you. I’ll know who you are.”

She then bent over as if having stomach cramps and clawed at
the ground. Her fingernails elongated into sharp points. Claws. Was that fur
growing on her hands? Over her body?

Her body stretched and morphed from a female shape into one
of a—feline? She pushed herself onto all fours and looked up at me.

The woman with whom I had been standing was gone. I stared
into the face of a mountain lion.

Holy shit! She was telling the truth.

She—or it— stepped closer to me. When I recoiled and stepped
back, she stopped. She watched me for what seemed like ages, but was probably
only seconds. I didn’t move, fully admitting to myself how freaked out I was
about this situation.

Then the mountain lion turned away and ran off into the
forest.

I stared into the trees for minutes.

No way did I just see what I thought I saw.

My eyes followed the path she ran down through the trees. I
walked about twenty feet in to where a muddy patch lay. The footprint she left
there was not that of a human.

Lily

After I ran into the forest, I don’t know what Nico did. The
look on his face when he recoiled from me burned in my memory. His reaction was
understandable, but it reinforced what a freak I was.

What was he thinking right now? What did he think of me now
that I’d revealed my secret? Would he even want to see me again?

I ran and hunted throughout the night, taking only short
catnaps. When I changed back to my human form once morning finally came, I
trembled as I walked back to where I’d left him. The uncertainty of what his
reaction might be was dreadful. I’d told him to meet me here at 8 a.m. With my
watch in my jeans pocket, I had no idea what time it was, but I guessed it must
have been getting close to that time.

What was I going to say when I saw him? What would he say?
How would I explain how I am what I am? I don’t really understand it myself.

I wrapped my arms around myself in a protective stance as I
came closer to the spot. Oh God, this was killing me. I wanted to keep him at a
safe distance from the beginning. Just have him as a lover on the side.
Something about him got under my skin. Now I thought about him all the time. I
had tried to stop it and stay away. Break that connection. However, it didn’t
work no matter what distraction I’d tried. And the thought of not seeing him
again was unbearable.

He’d called me out as a coward for not trusting him and he
was right. My mom had convinced me to take a chance and put myself out there.
Now that I revealed my secret, what would happen next?

Think, Lily, think. What are you going to say to him?

It turned out I didn’t have to worry about that now. When I
reached the spot, I found my bag to pull out my clothes and check the time.
Lying on top was an envelope with my name on it. When I opened the envelope, I
found a note.

Lily,

You were telling the truth. I’m sorry I doubted you. I’m
also sorry that I’m not here this morning. I’ve been up all night trying to
understand what I saw last night and what I should do. But I don’t understand
it. To be truthful, I’m a little freaked out right now.

Okay, a lot freaked out.

I hope you can understand. Don’t worry about an awkward
car ride home. I’ll find my way back.

I’m so sorry.

Nico

Sighing, I reread the letter more slowly the second time. To
torture myself some more, a third time. Then I put my clothes on and paced.

What I’d been afraid of all along had come to fruition. I
was incompatible to be with another human. The one I wanted thought I was a
freak. I should just move up here, live in the mountains and away from people
as much as possible. Get some simple job, enough to pay the bills, instead of
working crazy hours in some office, trying to pass for a professional, a human.

But I liked what I did for a living. And I liked where I
lived.

I left the forest with a heavy step not having a clue as to
what I would do next.

Nico

I barely slept that night. My mind simply couldn’t
comprehend what I had just seen. People don’t just turn into animals. A
beautiful woman whose body I explored countless times in so many ways does not
transform into a mountain lion.

But I know what I saw. And that was exactly what happened.

You’re a daft fool
, I told myself on the bus back to
Massachusetts.
Why would you leave her alone in the woods? Some man you are.

Then I argued back.
She can take care of herself better
in there than I can. She’s a bloody mountain lion, for crissakes. She certainly
doesn’t need me for protection.

You should have waited for her and spoken to her in
person. Heard what she had to say. Instead of bolting for the main road and
hitching a ride out of the mountains as fast as you could.

After initially freaking out, I had started to have doubts
about leaving. I tried to distract myself by listening to System of a Down’s
Hypnotize
album on my iPod as I hitchhiked. Once I heard
Lonely Day
, I
replayed the song several times to listen to the lyrics about the loneliest day
in the singer’s life. How I could relate right now.

But when he declared he would go with the woman if she left,
that’s when it hit me. I didn’t go with her. I didn’t follow her. I didn’t even
stay with her. I’d left.

Like a coward.

A couple of hikers gave me a lift to the bus station in
North Conway and twice I almost asked them to let me out so I could return.

But I didn’t. Looking at my watch, I saw it was now far too
late. She would have definitely discovered my note by now and probably left.

She must hate me.

Lily

It wasn’t until I started driving down the Kancamangus that
it hit me. Nico was gone. He saw what I was and he left me.

How could he leave me in the fuckin’ woods? Couldn’t he have
at least returned and talked to me face-to-face?

No. He didn’t want to see me again. He saw what I truly was
and thought I was a freak.

Because it’s true. I knew there were others like me, but I’d
never searched for them. I wanted to assimilate with humans, not focus on my
abnormalities, so the last thing I wanted to do was find other freaks like me.
That would clearly indicate there was an
us
and a
them
. I wanted
so badly to identify with the humans.

Why? What had identifying with humans actually done for me?
Let’s see. I only had half-ass relationships because I was unwilling to share
my secret with anyone. For good reason. The first time I did, he took off as
fast as possible.

And my job? I worked my butt off to pay for a condo I rarely
saw. Why? To pass myself off as one of them. But I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t
need to adhere to their notions of success or happiness. A good job, a nice
apartment. It was all part of the charade.

There was nothing back there for me.

I looked in the rearview mirror to make sure nobody was
behind me and then I pulled a U-turn.

My phone signal was spotty up here in the mountains, but I
had enough to call my boss to leave a voice mail. I explained that I would be
out for the rest of the week for personal reasons. That was all they needed to
know for now. I couldn’t bear trying to get into any more detail. I didn’t know
if I’d have a job to return to and I didn’t care. Then I left a voice mail with
our department admin to have him cancel my appointments for the rest of the
week.

I drove to a parking area near the trails we hiked in on and
walked into the trees. Hiding my keys, I walked deeper into the woods.

You’re not like them; you should give up the act of
trying to fit in with them.

Your entire life has been a charade.

The first person you confided in ran away from you. The
man you love is gone.

Love? Did I just admit that? Did I love him?

The impact of Nico’s abandonment hit me so hard, leaving an
aching hole deep inside me. I didn’t know how to recover from it. Or if I
would.

I’d quickened my pace so much that I was breathing harder.
Soon I’d launched into a run. Running from the abandonment. Running from the
pain. I didn’t know where I was going and I didn’t care.

Then I let out a full-blown scream. I didn’t care if anyone
heard me; I didn’t care about hiding anymore, living a lie. I let out all my
anguish, frustration and pain without holding back.

Only the scream ended differently than it began. It came out
of the mouth of an animal.

I’d morphed back into mountain lion form. It happened almost
in an instant, without the usual pain that accompanied the transformation. My
clothes had been torn into ribbons.

It wasn’t during a full moon. It wasn’t even night.

What the fuck was going on?

I didn’t care. Life was easier as a mountain lion. I shut
out much of the endless clutter that dominated my mind in human form. I still
knew who and what I was, but focused on more primal instincts. I leapt over
some fallen logs and ran deeper into the cover of the forest.

Angelo

When I heard the scream, my ears perked up to decipher where
it originated. Then I shifted back into my human form. “Shit, that was her.”

“The one we’ve been watching?” Katrina asked once she
shifted back.

“Yes. That scream didn’t sound good at all. More feline than
human.”

“That’s weird,” Katrina said. “We’ve only seen her up here
during the full moon. That was last night. The sun is up.”

“I know. Something’s changed.”

“What do you think it is?”

“I don’t know. But we should go and see.”

“Let’s change back to animal form. It’ll be easier to follow
her scent.”

Nico

How many days and nights had I spent looking out the window
of a vehicle? Usually it was on our tour van as we played any clubs that would
have us. Now I was alone. My bandmates were back in Massachusetts doing
whatever they were doing. I, on the other hand, left the woman I’d gone to the
White Mountains with back in the mountains.

The bus approached the southern part of New Hampshire. We’d
be in Massachusetts soon, a marker cementing my distance from Lily. The image
of her changing from woman to beast replayed in my mind like a video. Each time
I replayed the scene from memory, I tried to process it, but my mind refused to
do so. People just don’t turn into animals.

However, I saw it happen.

Was I drugged? The closest I could get to understanding it
was that it was a hallucination. Like the time some guy hung out with us after
a show in Portland and he thought it would be cool—or funny—if we all dropped
acid. Only he did this without asking or notifying us. A couple of the guys
freaked out. The others tried to calm them down while trying to hold it
together ourselves. It was a long, sleepless night, which was neither cool nor
funny.

I walked through the series of events to think if I’d been
hallucinating. Maybe this was a twisted dream? I’d wake up tomorrow with Lily
in my arms and we’d have a good laugh when I told her my weird dream about her
changing into a mountain lion. Then we’d analyze it the way we did with her
butterfly tattoo to try to figure out what that meant. She’d say something
about how it was sexual, me wanting her wild and untamed. I’d agree and
convince her to test out her theory.

I wasn’t hallucinating the way I did that time. Back then,
the world twisted and reshaped around me. Trees moved, signs reshaped
themselves into nonsensical words. This time everything around me was normal.
Except that I saw a woman change into a mountain lion.

And I was wide awake.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,

Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

Why is my head being filled with a Shakespeare quote at a
time like this?

No, there had to be a logical explanation. In my favorite
show,
The X-Files
, I identified more with Scully than Mulder. There had
to be a scientific explanation for what I saw. Only, the person who could
provide it was back in the mountains. A woman who I had been utterly attracted
to. A lover whom I’d wanted more from than she’d been willing to give. And when
I pushed hard enough, she showed me why. What did I do? I ran from her.

I was such a bloody fool.

At the next bus stop, I disembarked and bought a ticket back
to North Conway. I still didn’t know what I was doing, I had no idea how to
process what she showed me but whatever controlled my decisions inside my brain
led me to get back on a bus and go find her.

A bit of relief filled me when the bus drove back north,
going toward Lily rather than running away from her. Here I was on a highway
again—always gazing out the windows.