RockMeTonight (9 page)

Hurry back
, I willed her silently. When she returned,
she rolled a condom over me. Then she finally mounted me, throwing her head
back and moaning and then setting the pace to one that felt exquisite. She knew
what she wanted and knew what she liked. With every increasing stroke, I
concurred that it was what I liked too.

She yelled out my name as she climaxed and I couldn’t hold
back any longer. I shot so much desire into her that I didn’t think it would
ever end and then I wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in her hair.

We spent the rest of Sunday doing couple things. We reheated
the cocoa and drank it this time, read the paper, and read books on the same sofa
we made love on earlier. I made us grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup
for dinner and then we ended up back in my bed, taking our time as we explored
each other. I sensed that neither one of us wanted to part. I know I didn’t and
no matter how she put the brakes on, I knew she had feelings for me.

If this wasn’t an evolving relationship, what was? Why was
she fighting her feelings?

As we lay in my bed panting after our third session of
sexual acrobatics, I opened my big mouth. “I’ve had such a great day with you,
Lily.”

“Me too,” she said, kissing me on the chest.

“I love how you don’t hold back; you give your body so
freely to me.”

“Thank you. I quite enjoyed myself, in case you hadn’t
noticed.”

“Oh I noticed. You were quite vocal.”

“Woops.”

“Don’t apologize. I loved it. And the windows are closed. So
who cares what the neighbors think.”

She grinned.

“What I don’t understand is how you can give your body so
freely to me, but when it comes to something developing between us, you’re so
restrained.”

She didn’t move, but I felt her body tighten next to me.

“Nico, please don’t.

I knew I was sticking my foot in my mouth, but I couldn’t
help it. “I don’t understand it and it’s driving me crazy. Can you just tell me
why?”

“Why can’t you just leave it?”

“Did some guy hurt you? Is that why you’re so gun-shy?”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Then what is it?”

“I can’t tell you! You’d never understand!”

“Last night in your sleep, you said something about the
moon. Not again or something. What’s that about?”

Her face froze. Then she climbed out of bed and looked for
her clothes. “I have to go.”

“Lily, don’t be ridiculous. I’m sorry if I was pushing too
hard. It’s just—the contradiction confuses me. But I’ll lay off, okay?”

“No. I never should have stayed. I’m so sorry if I’ve been
leading you on. Trust me, Nico, when I say you’d never understand certain
things about me, I mean you’d
never
understand them. But that’s why I
can’t be with you the way you want.” She paused to put on her clothes. “If
you’re looking for a relationship, I don’t want to hold you back from one. You
should find someone else.”

“Oh come on, Lil. Don’t go.” I climbed out of bed and put my
boxers on.

“I have to.”

She grabbed her belongings.

I touched her arm. “Let me drive you home.”

“No thanks. I’ll get a cab.”

She closed the door behind her. I fought the urge to punch a
hole in the wall.

Did you have to be so pushy? Idiot.

Lily

I should have known better than to get too close. We’d only
spent two days together and one very hot night, but already I found myself
thinking about him.

Back in my condo, I paced through my living room, debating
what just happened.

You obviously like this guy. More than any other lover
you’ve had. I mean, really—when was the last time you spent the whole weekend
with a guy? You always specified boundaries.

For good reason.

What the hell do I do now? I’m trying to do the right
thing by being straight with him. Well, not completely straight. But honest
about how far we can go. Why isn’t it enough for him?

Why isn’t it enough for me?

When he called an hour later, he said, “I just wanted to
make sure you got home okay.”

Hearing the concern in his voice—concern for me—made me want
to hop back in a cab and go over there. “Yes, I’m fine. Thanks.”

“I was worried. You left here in quite a state.”

“Yeah, I know. Sorry if that was a little overdramatic. You
hit a nerve.”

“I did? I didn’t mean to. Sorry.”

“It’s just me. I’m a freak about certain things. Like
privacy.”

“I get that. I didn’t mean to pry. I’ll back off with the
questions, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks. I know I’m a pain in the ass. I wonder what
you see in me to put up with it.”

“I think you’re phenomenal, Lily. Everything about you has
mesmerized me since we first met. Not only are you beautiful, but so talented,
driven. I could go on.”

“Please do!” I teased.

“Only if you come back to my place. Or I come over to
yours.”

Ooh yes! More of Nico’s sexy hands on me. The touch that set
me on fire. The way he intuitively knew exactly what my body wanted, before I
was even aware of it myself. The feel of him inside me…

“I’d love to. But we shouldn’t. Let’s slow things down.”

“If you insist.”

“Besides, we both have to work tomorrow.”

“Fine. How about we get together after work this week.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Dinner, movie, whatever you want.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re pushy?”

“Pushy? You get to choose what we do.”

“Fine. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Good night, Lily. I’ll be thinking of you when I’m all
alone in my bed tonight.”

“I’m sure you could find someone to keep you warm if you
were lonely.”

“You’re such as smart-arse.”

“Arse? What does that mean, Brit Boy? We don’t have arses in
America.”

“Funny. Fine, you’re a smart-ass.”

“Ah, now I understand. Good night, Nico. I’ll call you.”

Over the next two days, Nico tormented my mind. My feelings
for him had crept under my skin, writhing around and consuming me. I started to
think it was toxic because I thought about him all the time, far too much. What
was he doing? Was he thinking about me? When will I see him again? As a woman who
prided herself on being independent, on not relying on a man for happiness or
as a provider, a part of me loathed the way he consumed my thoughts.

This wasn’t healthy. This wasn’t love, was it? It felt more
like obsession.

How do you know the difference between one and the other?
When you loved someone, you thought about them all the time. When you were
obsessed with someone, you thought about them all the time.

What did I know? I’d never been in love.

Maybe there was a difference between the two. The difference
was stalking. If I started to drive by his place, haunt his shows, stalk him
online, well then I knew I had a real problem. An addiction I’d have to quit.

What to do? What to do?

A voice inside me said,
Get away, get some distance.

Yes, good idea. Some distance would be how I could gain
perspective.

I looked online to find someplace far enough so that I put
some distance between us, but close enough that I could drive there and back
over a weekend before returning to work on Monday morning. Where could I find
plenty of distraction?

Of course—New York City. I would just take one of the buses
that left from Boston on the hour. No planes, no driving, no booking. Perfect.
I’d leave on Saturday morning.

Work went by slowly as I was still consumed by thoughts of
Nico. I copped out on calling him since I knew it would be more difficult to
stay away. I sent him a text on Thursday.

Going out of town for the weekend. Will talk to you when
I return.

His reply:

Looking forward to it. Have a safe trip.

Double-checking the website for the departure times and the
station, I then packed a bag for the weekend. When I looked for a book to read
on the bus ride, I saw the book he had bought me. Definitely not grabbing it no
matter how much I wanted to read what happens next. I didn’t need anything else
to remind me of him. And no romances for obvious reasons. I found a thriller
that would probably be full of cliffhangers and hopefully little romance. Then
I walked to the commuter rail to go down into Boston.

An hour and a half later, I was on the bus leaving Boston. I
used an app on my phone to book a room near Central Park. Maybe I’d even get a
run in while I was there. Pleased with myself for pulling together a plan to
deal with my Nico situation so easily, I opened my book. Within a few pages, I
was dozing off. As I drifted into sleep, I pictured his face. I thought about
spending last weekend with him and how I enjoyed every single moment until the
end. How I wanted to spend this weekend in his arms as well.

It was no use. Look how deep in I was already. Was I
destined for heartbreak? This was exactly why I had to get away.

One thing about New York City was how perfect it was for
distraction. Although I kept myself occupied with a run through Central Park
and stops at cafés and shops, Nico still penetrated the recesses of my mind.

When I entered a bookstore, I saw a display for the books he
recommended. Figures they had to be bestsellers that were everywhere so every
time I saw them, I thought about the time we met at the bookstore in Salem.

Walking through SoHo and Greenwich Village, I looked for
signs for places to go tonight. I’d be going
out-out
as Ally would say.
What was I in the mood for? Dancing? Live music? Jazz? Blues. No, definitely
not blues. No more blues.

Hmm, there were signs for dance clubs and bands playing, but
I didn’t recognize any of them. Then I froze. There it was. The Velvet Cocks
logo.

Damn it. Did he have to creep into my head everywhere? Why
was it so hard to forget the guy? With a mixture of reluctance and curiosity, I
read the poster. They were playing in New York City at what looked like a dive
rock ’n‘ roll club next weekend.

Close call. What if it had been tonight?

Realizing I’d been holding my breath, I exhaled loudly. Then
I spent several moments trying to regulate my breathing before I walked away
from the poster. I grabbed a
Village Voice
newspaper and headed to an
Italian restaurant for dinner. Then I found a jazz band playing nearby. As I
sat alone at a table watching the band play, I focused on the singer and
couldn’t help comparing him to Nico as Leggy Bones. Although the singer had a
good voice, he didn’t have whatever spark it was that Nico had that had
commanded the crowd. He didn’t have the voice that had captivated me before I even
saw what he looked like.

He wasn’t Nico.

On the bus back to Massachusetts, I realized the distance
didn’t help me one bit since I still thought about him constantly and my body
yearned to be near him again. I wouldn’t be able to make any decisions until I
saw him again.

Nico

Lily called me when she came back from New York.
Unfortunately it was the weekend before VC had shows there. We had a show in
Portland, Maine, while she was in New York. We were still hungry enough that we
played whenever we got a gig.

I didn’t know what was going on with her. She never
mentioned why she went to New York and I didn’t pry, having learned my lesson,
but I imagined it had to be business. A part of me wondered if she was blowing
me off. Since that day in Bearskin Neck, her body language had said she wanted
to be with me, although with her words she put up the barriers. What drove me
crazy was trying to understand why.

When I heard from her that week and she asked if we could
get together on Friday night, I tried to keep the excitement out of my voice.
After all, I’d been chasing her almost since we met. Something she clearly
didn’t want. Apparently I couldn’t play it that cool. Because I knew I was
crazy about her. The more she pulled away, the more I wanted her. It would be
almost two weeks since I last saw her, not that I was keeping count (guilty),
and I couldn’t believe how much the anticipation to see her again built up so
much so that every nerve in my body was pulled taut.

“You look stunning as always,” I said when I picked her up.
She was wearing a dress with the colors of a sunset blended together and the
hues brought out the gold of her eyes.

“Thank you.” She examined me. “You look pretty great
yourself,” she said.

I wish I could say I threw my outfit together like guys
usually do, but I had carefully checked out how these black jeans and
dark-green button-up shirt fit, thinking of whether Lily would like them.

“Shall we head into Cambridge? Get a bite in Harvard
Square?”

“That sounds great,” she said, throwing me a look with a
twinkle in her eye. “Maybe you can even get a sexy stage outfit while you’re
there.”

“I doubt any of those stores will still be open by the time
we get in. Besides I’m more interested in you rather than outfits tonight.”

Stay cool, Nico. Don’t push.

The doubts that had crept into my mind about whether Lily
was interested disappeared during the drive down to Cambridge.

“How have you been?” I asked.

“Fine. Same old. Work, play, the usual. You?”

“We had a great show in Portland. You ever go up there?”

“Not for a while.”

“I love the old port area. Perhaps we’ll go there sometime.”

So much for keeping cool, Nico.

I sensed her tense beside me. Just as quick, the tension was
gone and she said, “Maybe.”

We ordered a variety of Middle Eastern plates to share at
Cafe Algiers on Brattle Street. We sat at an octagonal-shaped table upstairs
and admired all the carved wood architecture and hookahs that gave the place an
ambiance that stood out among chain coffee shops, which I loathed. Around us,
we had a slice of Cambridge life. A couple of guys played chess, another
discussed current events, one man sat all alone scrawling what appeared to be
math problems or formulas on scraps of paper, a few teenagers with hair dyed
multi-hues sat in the corner, and two couples appeared to be on a date.

“How was New York?”

“Refreshing,” she said. “Sometimes I just need to get away.
Either lose myself in the quiet of the mountains or the anonymity of a city.”

“It wasn’t for work?”

“No. Play.”

For some reason, this pierced right through me. She could
have called me, we could have spent some time together over the weekend, but
instead she chose to go off by herself?

“Are you always such a solitary person?”

She nodded slowly before answering. “Yes. I’m afraid I am.”

At least she was honest. “I’m glad you took a break from
your isolated lifestyle to come out with me tonight.”

She smiled seductively, which made me think of her naked at
my place.

“You’re cute, which makes it hard to resist you.”

After sharing baklava and some strong Arabian coffee, we
went outside and downstairs to the Brattle Theatre, an old movie house that
often played independent films and classics. During a viewing of an old Alfred
Hitchcock film, I held her hand. A gentle handholding led to a caress. Simply running
my fingers over her skin shot electricity through my body. Luckily I’d seen the
movie years ago. Because sitting so close to her—so close that I wanted to
touch her, but limiting myself just to her hand—put me through an agony I
didn’t know was possible. I barely kept track of what was going on up on the
screen.

After the movie, we walked through Harvard Square, catching
more of the quirky characters who made it their home. A guy juggled various
objects, a woman posed as a marionette, artists sold paintings laid out on
blankets on the sidewalk, religious zealots warned us the end is near, chess
masters sat outside Au Bon Pain and challenged players to beat them, and then
there were the Harvard students, couples, families and dozens of young people in
quirky clothing who vied for attention through their outfits screaming, “I’m
different. Look at me!”

On the way back to the car, we cut through some narrow
alleys between office buildings. Unable to wait any longer, I grabbed Lily’s
head and kissed her with a drive I didn’t know I had in me. Passion, almost a
blinding, violent lust, took over as I claimed her, pushing her against a
building. My erection strained through my jeans as I pressed my body against
her, trying to get closer still.

“God, Nico, you don’t know how badly I want you right now.”

“Trust me, I do.” I sighed. “It’s painful.”

I kissed her neck while my hands explored from her breasts
down to cup her ass. Pulling one leg up, I reached under her dress to feel her
warmth. I cursed the fact it was still cold enough that she wore stockings. If
only her legs were bare and I had unrestricted access to touch her.

She moaned softly, encouraging me to go on despite my
frustration with the clothing.

Then she said, “We can’t, Nico. Not here.”