RockMeTonight (14 page)

I shrugged. “Not much. I used to read books about mountain
lions. They helped me understand some of the reasons why I behave in certain
ways sometimes. Then once I was old enough to use the internet, I started
searching for more info. What you find online though is a lot of fiction.”

Angelo chuckled. “Humans writing stories about what they
think shifters are like.”

“Humans,” Katrina repeated. “Can’t live with them…”

“Can’t live with them,” Angelo finished.

“Oh, come on,” I said. “That can’t be true. We’re still
human, right? But also…” My voice trailed off since I wasn’t sure how to finish
that sentence. “My mom is human as are all the relatives I know.”

“And your dad?” Katrina asked.

“I don’t know much about him. He died before I was born. But
that’s from whom my mom and I guessed I inherited this ability.”

“Hmm,” Angelo said. “So you really don’t know anything about
us, do you?”

I shifted uncomfortably. Okay, maybe that is the wrong
choice of words. How about I
shuffled
uncomfortably?

“Not really. What can you tell me?”

Angelo paced the room as if trying to figure out where to
start. “We’re called by different names depending on where we live. The same
way with people calling the animal cougar, puma, mountain lion and so on. So
some call us weres. Some shapeshifters. We prefer shifters. Easy, to the point.
No need to associate ourselves with other were creatures, like werewolves.”

“Werewolves?” I raised my eyebrows.

He ignored me. “Like the animal, many prefer to live on our
own. But like humans, many prefer to live as couples, such as Katrina and me,
or in dens. Basically we possess many of the characteristics of the animal with
many of the personality quirks of humans.”

“What he means,” Katrina said, “is that we can only tell you
so much. It would be like telling you what humans are like. Humans vary greatly
from person to person and place to place. You discover how people are by
interacting with them.”

In only a few minutes, my brain was ready to explode with all
this information. The more questions they answered, the more came up.

“Have you always lived here?” I asked. “I’ve never seen you
before and I’ve been coming here for years. But last month I saw two mountain
lions. Were they you?”

“Yes,” Katrina answered. “We’re from California originally.
Far more mountain lions and shifters live there. We wanted more privacy and to
make a fresh start. So we moved to New Hampshire a few years back.”

“We noticed you in recent months,” Angelo continued, “and
guessed that you were up here hiding so we stayed away.”

Katrina said, “We debated whether to approach you.”

“And once we heard the shot and the scream, it was time,”
Angelo finished.

That was a lot to take in. I’d definitely have to take a
walk later and try to process everything I’d been hearing. I realized I had
stopped eating despite my ravenous hunger, so I took another bite.

“What about you?” Katrina asked. “Can you tell us about
yourself?”

Where to begin? How do you reveal a secret you’ve kept
hidden your whole life except from your family?

And Nico.

No, don’t think of him.

Now my hunger competed with a sudden need to explain my
story to people who would actually get it, not think I was crazy or run away in
revulsion. “I’ve changed during the full moon ever since puberty. Talk about a
rough time. Not only was my body changing, but also my body was
changing
.
It’s always been a painful experience. I hated it. I fought it. But something
strange happened this time, right before the shots. I was out here in the
middle of the day and I admit I was feeling pretty emotional. And I changed. No
full moon. No pain. Almost like that.” I snapped my fingers.

“With time, you’ll learn to control the change so you can
shift effortlessly,” Angelo said.

“Why would I want to do that? I’ve been fighting against
this my whole life. I just wanted to be like everyone else.”

“But you’re not like everyone else. You’re special. You can
do things that humans could never dream of doing,” Angelo replied.

“Don’t fight it, Lily,” Katrina said. “Don’t be ashamed of
who you are. You don’t get to live in just one world, but two. Think of all the
experiences you can have, living in between them as you please.”

Living
alone, I thought. Because who would want to
live in two worlds with someone like me? Look how Nico had reacted when he
found out who I was. I looked at Angelo and Katrina and envied what they had.
They clearly cared about each other. Clearly in love.

“What are you thinking about?” Katrina asked as if having
some sixth sense that it was about her and Angelo.

“I was just thinking how in tune you both seem. So
connected. I envy having that type of connection with someone.”

“Is there anyone special in your life?” Katrina asked.

Nico’s face popped in my mind, followed by the
shocked/scared/repulsed look, whichever it was, on his face after he saw me
change. Why did he always have to invade my thoughts? What could I do to get
him out of my head?

I only hoped time would erase him. No, that was impossible.
I knew I was lying to myself even thinking that. Part of me knew that was what
to expect from a human and understood it was a natural reaction. The other part
of me hurt still, the pain so raw, and I hated him for leaving me there.

“There was. But I made the mistake of showing him what I
was. And he left.”

“What an asshole.”

Something about being able to talk to them, really talk to
them, without covering up who I really was—the way I had to when I talked to
humans—opened up the confessional floodgates.

“No, he’s not though. I don’t blame him really. I mean, it’s
not something you see every day—the woman you’ve been sleeping with suddenly
turns into a mountain lion. I mean he was so sweet, so considerate. I never met
a man like him before. He was smart and sexy as hell. I barely kept my hands
off him.” I smiled remembering the drive back from Rockport. “I kept my
distance emotionally, but it was too hard. I just wanted to be around him all
the time. He wanted more from me. More than just sex. My feelings for him were
more powerful than I thought. And I wanted more too. To be fair, he needed to
know the truth. So now he knows my secret. And he’s gone. Gone. He fucking left
me. You’re right, he is an asshole!” I shook my head again. “No, he’s not. I
hate this. I hate feeling like this!”

“Is that why—the scream?”

“You heard that?”

They looked at each other.

“Yes. It was pretty loud.”

“Oh,” I said, not knowing what else to say. “I guess I was
feeling pretty—hurt.”

“Forget him, Lily. Who needs someone like him? You could
move out West. Plenty of shifters in the mountains there to make you forget
about some narrow-minded human.”

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.” I considered it. Pictured
running around out in the mountains with some hot shifter. Shifting
effortlessly between human and feline. Like Angelo and Katrina. I couldn’t even
finish the fantasy because once again, I saw Nico’s damn face in my mind. I put
my head in my hands since it was no use. “This is all a lot to process. I mean
the whole mess with Nico, getting shot at, meeting you both and learning I’m not
alone.” I put my head in my hands. “I’m almost at the point where I want to
explode.”

“Stay with us a few days,” Katrina said. “We can tell you
what we know about our nature.”

“Yes, you should,” Angelo said. “It’s not right that you
never learned who you are.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I have a job and a life back in
Massachusetts.”

“Human concerns,” Angelo said. “You’re not human.”

“Stay with us,” Katrina said, putting a hand on mine. “Just
for a little while. And then if you want to go back to your human life, it’ll
still be waiting for you.”

My eyes wandered from Katrina to Angelo and back. They were
right. I had so many questions my whole life that I’d just suppressed, thinking
there were no answers. Now I was with people who could answer them. Bring some
enlightenment to the mystery of who I was.

“Where do we start?”

Nico

When I finally made it back to the parking area near the
trails where she’d left her car, it was in a different spot. Therefore, I knew
she’d left and returned and was still in the forest. Armed with only a compass
I picked up at a nearby store and my backpack, which I’d stuffed with water and
snacks, I trekked back out into the woods.

“Lily?” I called every now and then.

No answer.

I have to find her. No matter how long it takes, I can’t
turn back until I do.

I walked for hours and called for her until I was hoarse. I
couldn’t get a signal here to call her phone. When dusk settled, I thought
about going back to the hotel and checking in for the night. However, I kept
walking relentlessly, searching for her, until the sky was dark and blanketed
with stars. Lost and exhausted, I settled down under some trees. It was scary
as hell, knowing all kinds of animals and whatever else could be in here. This
was bear country, after all. Moose as well. Now to cap things off, I knew
mountain lions prowled these forests. At least one kind of hybrid.

Despite my wariness of what lay in the woods, I fell asleep
for a few hours. The cold mountain air woke me with its bite while it was still
dark as pitch. Or was it that I had to pee? I was reminded of camping trips
when I was younger. It didn’t matter if you went to the loo before going to
sleep, you always woke up in a tent in the middle of the night having to go.
You’d try to ignore it and go back to sleep, but eventually you’d succumb to
the urge and have to trek out of your warm sleeping bag into the coldness of
the night, on the lookout for any nocturnal creatures. Now I wasn’t as
concerned about me, but Lily. Was she still out here? What does she do all
night out here as a mountain lion? Was she now human again?

My thoughts turned to my own safety since I was alone in the
bloody forests of New Hampshire. Should I try to find my way back to
civilization?

No, I had been safe for a little while. Better not go in
search of danger.

I tried to fight it, but fell asleep again. When I awoke,
the faintest light appeared over the majestic trees. I drank a ton of water and
ate some snacks. Then, using my compass, I found my way back to our original meeting
point—where I’d foolishly taken off from, leaving me in this damn situation.

Did Lily leave a sign for me? Perhaps she’d know I’d change
my mind and come back. I moved the brush away from where she hid her clothing.

Nothing.

Of course not. Why would she ever want to see me again after
what I’d done? It was unforgivable.

Lily

The next morning, I left Angelo and Katrina’s to go for a
walk. They told me so much about our kind last night and I was still trying to
incorporate everything. That’s when I heard someone calling my name.

Was that Nico?

Why would he be back here? He left. He had to be back in
Massachusetts. I must be hallucinating.

I sniffed around the area. I was in human form and didn’t
have the senses of my mountain lion form, but my sense of smell was definitely
more acute than humans. Something I’d discovered long ago.

Yes, that was his scent. Nico was back here in the
mountains. What was he doing here? Was he looking for me?

Each step I took in the direction I sensed him was filled
with trepidation.

Why was he here? What did he want? What did I want?

“Lily?”

Then I saw him.

He must have heard my footsteps because he turned around and
saw me. Quickly I stepped behind a tree.

“Lily?”

I froze.

Why did I follow him here? Dumb move.

“I came to apologize.”

Slowly I stepped out from behind the tree to face him. His
eyes appeared bloodshot, his clothes wrinkled and covered with bits of leaves
and he was unshaven.

“Have you been out here all night?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

He looked down sheepishly. “I was looking for you.”

“Oh,” I whispered. What else could I say?

“I’m sorry I took off.” When he looked up, his eyes implored
me to forgive him. “I freaked out, you know?

“I understand why.”

“You do?” His eyebrows rose to signal he wasn’t expecting
this reaction from me.

“Yes.”

“So you’re not mad at me?” His question ended with a more
hopeful tone.

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. “I don’t know
what I’m feeling right now, Nico.”

“You were telling me the truth,” he said, stepping closer.
“About changing.”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t believe you at first.”

“Of course not. Why would you? It’s not conceivable to most
people.”

“If I was being an ass or sarcastic about it, I apologize.”

“It’s okay.” I shuffled from one foot to the other. “I’m
glad you came back.”

“Me too.”

“I wasn’t sure if you would.”

“Neither was I.”

“So why did you?”

“Because I—because. I don’t know, Lily. Because I care about
you.”

“Oh.”

“And I’d like to know more. About you. About what I saw the
other night. If you want to tell me.”

“Nico, I—as much as I want to, I can’t. You were the first
person I showed my true self to and it blew up in my face.”

“I’m sorry. I realize it must have taken a great leap of
faith to tell me, some real trust. And I blew it. I’m such a daft fool.”

“No, you’re not, Nico. But you’re human. And I’m not. Your
reaction was a normal human reaction. My pain is another human one. However,
I’m not human. I’m a shifter. I need to figure out what exactly that means.
I’ve been trying to hide it my whole life, but it’s time to figure out who I
really am.”

“I understand that completely. But you don’t have to go
through that alone. I can be with you.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. What I’ve
always known is that I’m not right for another human.”

“What are you saying, Lil?”

“We can’t be together. I shouldn’t have let us get so close.
I shouldn’t have fallen for you. And I definitely shouldn’t have shown my true
self to you. It was a disaster.”

“No.” He clenched his fists. “Why are you saying this? I
came back for a reason. To learn more about you. To be with you. Don’t push me
away.”

Why was he making this so hard? It was already difficult
enough. I turned away so I didn’t have to see his face. “I need to stay here.”

“You don’t have to do it alone.”

“I do. I can’t do this with you. How can I? You couldn’t
even understand what it’s like.”

“You’re right, I can’t. What I saw you do was amazing.” He
relaxed his fists, and his voice now carried some awe. “Something I never
thought was possible. I mean the way you can just—transform. How do you do
that? It’s incredible.”

I recoiled at his reaction. Perhaps it was normal, but it
emphasized how different I was, something that never sits right with me,
especially at my vulnerable moments. “It’s not some freak show that I’m going
to perform for you! Do you think it’s easy to have to suffer through this every
month? To have to run into the shadows and hide what you are whenever the moon
is full?”

“I didn’t say—”

“No, it’s not amazing! It friggin’ sucks, that’s what!”

“Lily, I’m sure it’s been difficult—”

“I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t need someone
trying to analyze me who doesn’t have any idea what it’s like!”

“I’m not trying to be some bloody shrink! I’m trying to be
here for you as a person. Someone who cares about you. Aren’t you tired of
shutting people out?”

He hit another sore spot. No matter how aloof I tried to be,
he saw through my defenses. The realization was bittersweet and too much right
now. “I need to you to leave me here. Forget you ever met me.”

“Can’t you be honest with me and tell me why? I’ve been
wandering through the woods all night looking for you. Before I go back, it
would be nice to know why I’m being rejected.”

He just wouldn’t quit, would he?

Because he cares.

Shut up, psyche.

“Because I’ve been trying to deny what I am for so long,
afraid of people’s reaction—the way you reacted. But it’s time to figure out
who I am. And to do that, I need to be here.”

“Why here?”

“They’re helping me.”

“Who? Are there others?”

Shit, I shouldn’t have mentioned Angelo and Katrina. “You
need to go. Now. Please—just
go
.”

I thought he might give another reason for why we should be
together. Maybe I wanted him to. But he didn’t. The forest was unusually quiet
with scarcely the sound of the leaves rustling in the breeze as if the trees
were listening too, waiting for an answer.

I already regretted telling him to go. After all, he came
back to me.

No, he came back to see the freak show.

No! Stop interpreting why he’s here. Stop analyzing his
words. Just hear him out.

It was too late. I watched him walk away, listening to his
footsteps crush the fallen tree branches.

Turn back. Turn back.

I lost sight of him in the woods, but still heard his
footsteps. They grew softer. Then I couldn’t hear them anymore.

He was gone.

Run after him. Ask him to stay.

The truth was I felt alone, afraid, and I would have done
anything to be with him up here.

No! He left me when I trusted him. How could I trust him
again?

Give him a chance. He freaked out. He’s human.

And there’s the rub. I’m not human. He is. Two different
species who don’t belong together.

Oh yes, that sweet little reminder of reality kicking in.
Figures.

The little voice was right. This was my path to take, my
journey to learn who I was. With heavy steps, I walked back to Angelo and
Katrina’s house, resisting the urge to look back at Nico.

Nico

What a bloody disaster that turned out to be.

I didn’t know what exactly I thought would happen when I
found her—part of me hoped she’d fall into my arms, be happy that I came
back—but to turn me away? Man, that sucked.

At VC’s practice Thursday night, I brought the sheet music
I’d been working on for
Annabel Lee
, the song I picked up again after my
first night with Lily. The lyrics were Poe’s, the music mine. It needed input
from the band, but I thought the basic melody was solid.

I wailed lyrics of pain at losing the woman I loved the way
I never had before. Thinking of Lily, I poured all the grief and loss into the
song. They weren’t just words anymore, but real and intense longing for what
was lost.

“Damn, I think you really have something there,” Mike said.
“It’s not so sing-songy like a love ballad. I like the rougher edge.”

“Yeah, it’s better this way. Harder. Cuts to the tragedy of
losing her,” John said. Then he nodded at me. “What’s gotten into you lately,
man? Is it that woman you’re so hush-hush about? The one who’s obviously gotten
under your skin?”

“Do tell,” Mike said. “Is it the one you were bugging out
about at work? Is she hot?” He shook his head. “Of course she’s hot. Since when
do you go for the dogs?”

Lily was sexy as hell all right. Just picturing her face in
my mind pained me. And her body, her delicious body. How soft her skin was
under my fingers. How she responded to my touch so eagerly, without any
inhibition.

Thinking about the times we spent together wasn’t going to
help me get over her. Neither was writing a song about her. Nevertheless, it
was something I felt compelled to do.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.

“What’s the matter? She doesn’t want you?” John asked.

“And then Nico probably put her on a pedestal because he
wants someone he can’t have,” Mike added.

“Stop analyzing me! We’re here to practice. Not dissect my
troubled love life like you’re Freud and Jung.”

“Dude, we’re your friends. Just trying to help you out, man.
But whatev,” Mike said. “Let me play around with some harder riffs.” He focused
his attention on his guitar, playing different approaches.

John smashed out some heavy beats. “We definitely need to
play it hard. Intense.” He banged the drums even louder. “Until you can feel
this guy’s pain pounding inside your head.”

While he played, more lyrics came to me. My Lily,
Ligeia
.
What if?

“Guys, I need to go outside for a few. I might have some new
lyrics to add.”

“Cool. We’ll work on the tune,” Mike said.

My head was ready to explode as I thought of a new twist.
The story of Ligeia, Poe’s story I’d read on the bus. Ligeia wastes away and
dies and the narrator remarries the Lady Rowena. However, Ligeia is not gone
for good; her wild hair and dark eyes return to the haunted narrator.

Ligeia.

Why not bring Annabel Lee back as well? Why leave the
narrator grieving? She could come back, just like Ligeia. She’d have gold in
her hair and gold in her eyes. The mood of the song would be very dark, maybe
supernatural.

Not that I’d seen anything like that lately.

The narrator pining for his lost love would be almost
unbearable. The ideas were coming to me too quickly to process and write down,
so I scribbled notes to work on. I’d figure out a way when I had time alone to
put my thoughts on paper.

When I went back inside, the guys were pounding out a dark,
heavy beat.

“Yeah, I like that,” I said. “It fits the somber mood.
Morbid. Definitely like Poe.”

“Did you come up with something to add?” Mike asked.

“I have some ideas, but I don’t know how to work them in
yet. Thought we’d end it on a twist. Bring Annabel Lee back. Like in the story
Ligeia
.”

“Is that Poe?”

“Yeah, check it out later. We’ll work on it. For now, let’s
stick with what we have.”