Role Play (35 page)

I
stumbled through my morning routine in a half-dazed state, appalled by the mess left behind in the loft by the revelers, but still so absorbed by Vic’s betrayal that I could hardly keep myself moving through my shower and morning prep, getting myself to work step by step. I got a lot of practice doing that the week I was looking for my new place, so I knew what it took to endure.

That’s how
I doggedly went through the next couple of days, getting my work done one step at a time. Until I came home on Tuesday afternoon to a large envelope addressed to me, left carelessly on the table in the stairwell.

I
opened it up to find my Associate Degree certificate. The one thing that hadn’t let me down. My family had told me for years that it was a waste of time, but I did it, one hard class at a time. Like I had to do everything else in my life.

For four years
I had worked for this moment.

I
walked into the loft, but it was strangely empty and quiet. No music thrumming upstairs or coming through the back door from Keith’s apartment.

There was nobody
I could tell. My mom? She would be proud for a moment but the moment would pass quickly, and I didn’t want to deal with her abrupt hang-up right now. My brothers would make a joke about my obsession with books and schoolwork before they thought of congratulating me. Lola? It was too rife with recriminations—she would think I was crowing over her.

No, it felt like
I was embarking on my new life the way I should be, alone with only my own sorry wits at my command.

Chapter
31

Vic

I shuddered every time I thought of Sierra’s eyes after I had told her. Shocked contempt, and more. I deserved every bit of it.

I
should have told her before the Masquerade, or even weeks ago. At least after the Festival. When I knew I couldn’t keep lying to her. But I had run away rather than tell her the truth. She was the brave one, tracking me down at the Sanctuary. And at Pleasure Salon.

While I was busy running away from life.

And now I had lost her. Lost her for good.

How could she forgive
me? I couldn’t even try to contact her. Her last words were final—
don’t call or text
. After what I did to her, she deserved the right to set her own terms.

I’m so sorry…

The unsaid words choked me.

Naturally, on Tuesday
morning my promotion was waiting for me. While I was being congratulated by the supervisor on duty, my pride in my new job was tempered by what had happened with Sierra. I wished I could share it with her as the big milestone it was in my life. But I had ruined that chance.

Now
I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t have mattered if it came in last week. I had lied to Sierra, to everyone. And judgment day had come.

I
worked my last shift on the tarmac. It was uncomfortable because the guys acted differently with me, knowing I was going to be sitting over them now. I didn’t want to talk to anyone anyway, and was glad of the distance. I got my marching orders from the HR Director—a day off, then training started Thursday morning, civilized hours, under the senior supervisor. It was a big bump in pay, half again more than I was making now.

If
Sierra forgave me, I would be able to travel with her. Take her out to eat. Send her home properly in a cab. I could buy things for her, like the corset she had left behind. And other nice things that I wanted to give her.

It was a crying shame that
I met Sierra a few months too soon. A tragedy that I had ever started lying about myself in the first place. It had started so small, such a stupid toss-away thing for toss-away girls. But it snowballed into something more, until it had taken over my life.

On Wednesday morning,
I made up my mind. She said don’t call or text, so I wouldn’t. I couldn’t go by her apartment because that was creepy after Dick’s stalking.

But I had to see her. I couldn’t leave things like this between us. I needed to say
I’m sorry
.

I thought it would be better if
I met her in public, but I didn’t want to make her feel unsafe by “running into” her at her bus stop or one of her local shops. I wanted her to feel in control, but not like I invaded her space.

So
I went to Lowenstein’s. I would have to be very careful not to mess with her work, or make her feel like that was even possible. I would have to be a legitimate customer and back off the instant she wanted me to.

I had to try.

Lowenstein’s was a big department store, and it took some searching in the Men’s section before I bought half a dozen collared shirts and pants. I charged them to the store credit card the helpful salesman filled out for me. I needed a new work wardrobe.

Armed with two large shopping bags,
I combed through the store looking for Sierra. I finally found her in the Junior section hanging up clothes.

Sierra looked serenely beautiful, concentrating on her task
. Her hair was tucked up in a twist, and she was wearing a striped blazer with navy blue pants. Every time I saw her, I seemed to see more in her. This was the serious Sierra, the woman who had worked hard to make something of her life.

She looked up and saw
me as I closed the distance between us. “What are you doing here?” she demanded, her voice strained.

“I had to buy clothes for my new position.”
I lifted the bags slightly. “And I had to say I’m sorry. I’ll be on the steps of the Library if you want to talk.”

“I’m working.”

“When you get off.”

“That’s in three hours.”

I shrugged. “I’ll wait.”

Sierra frowned. “I told you not to contact me.”

“I haven’t texted or called. But I’ve wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. Face to face. I feel awful about this.”

She considered
me for a moment, and then turned back to the rack. “I’ll think about it.”

I
nodded and backed up. One of the other employees was staring over at me, so I said a little louder, “Thank you.”

Sierra saw where
I was looking, and replied with a fake bright smile, “You’re welcome.”

I
went downstairs and considered what to do. I could get back home with my bags and return in plenty of time. But what if she ran out during a break to see if I was there, but I wasn’t?

I
turned north and marched up to the Library and sat myself down in the very middle of the steps, a bag on either side of me. I had nothing more important to do right now than wait for Sierra.

Chapter 32

Sierra

The shock of seeing Vic in the store shook
me. I had trouble listening to people after that. Their mouths moved while I was thinking—
what could he possibly say that would change anything?

Nothing.
There was nothing that could explain this away.

But
I couldn’t stand him up. Now that I knew he was there, waiting to talk to me, I had to hear what he had to say for himself.

The man knew
me too well. All those mind games were paying off for him. He knew how to make me do what he wanted.

I
went to the bathroom after punching out, and looked at myself in the mirror. The affects of the past few days showed. I looked tired and bruised, but there was something in my eyes I liked. I hadn’t been beaten.

I
walked up to the Library and from the corner of the block, I could see Vic sitting in the midst of the mid-afternoon crowd. He was looking my way, as if watching for me. He picked up his shopping bags and met me halfway.

“Thanks for coming,” he said.

“I’m ready to be stunned and amazed by your explanation of all this,” I retorted.

Vic let out a derisive sound. “I have no explanation. No excuse. It’s as fucked up as it looks, sorry to say.”

“You should have told me!”

“I started to.
A few times. At our first party, I was about to tell you but Tricia came up. And then the Dick thing happened… but I should have told you much sooner. I was falling for you, and didn’t want to ruin it.”

“No, you were testing me. To see if I was a gold-digger,”
I said.

He grimaced.
“I tried to tell you after the Masquerade, but all that stuff about my sister spilled out. I never told anyone about my sister being my mother, not even Adrianne. I hid it from her because I knew she wouldn’t like it. I knew she couldn’t be trusted.”

I
stared at him, seeing him blanch at his own words. It was so raw. But people were bumping past us on the sidewalk, practically jostling us aside.

“Let’s go sit down,”
I said reluctantly.

We
walked around the Library to Bryant Park in the back. It was a polished park, the jewel of midtown. We found an empty bench and sat down. Vic was turned towards me, but I faced resolutely forward.

“I told you I was messed up,” Vic said.

“I thought you were a hot sexy mess. Not a pathological liar.”

“Can’t I be both?”

“No.”

Vic grimaced. “
I’m sorry. I can’t believe I ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

In spite of
myself, I felt a thrill inside. “You spent our whole relationship making me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you.”

“No,
I didn’t. I never meant to. If I was distant, it’s because I wanted to tell you the truth but I knew you would hate me for it.”

“So why didn’t you tell me if you wanted to so badly?”

“It was always the wrong time. There was the fight with your sister, and you needed money for a new place but I didn’t have any. And then my promotion was coming through. When Dick came to my place, I finally realized there never would be a right time. So I told you.”

“You
didn’t include me in your life. Or take me out on a real date. I thought you had other girls for that. Rich girls who were more like you.”

He looked appalled. “You thought that? Truth is
, you saw my life. Work and a little fun on the side. I’m hoping for more now that I got a raise.”

“Good luck with that,”
I said shortly, staring into the bushes across the way. A woman and three tiny dogs went by, trotting so fast their legs blurred.

“I want to have fun with
you
, Sierra. We can go anywhere you want, whatever you’ve dreamed of. Paris, Fiji, Greece—”

I
put my hands over my ears. “It feels like you’re spinning more lies!”

“I
’m not! I want to start over with you, Sierra. Take you on a date. We can get to know each other for real.”

I
wished I could believe in him again. But how? His foundation was rotten at the core. It must be to allow him to do this, to lie to everyone, even at their most vulnerable. What kind of hardened asshole could pull that off year after year? Girl after girl?

“I don’t know,”
I said. “I doubt everything about you now. What kind of man does this? Do you have
any
morals? Is cheating off the table? I mean, you must be an expert at self justifications.”

“I know I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“I don’t buy that. You knew you were hurting me when you were lying to me. You did it to manipulate me, start to finish.”

“No,
that’s why I stopped seeing you after the Festival. I couldn’t keep lying to you.”

“But
you still believed I was after you for your money. Or you would have told me,” I pointed out. “While you were having sex with me! You were lying to me and laughing behind my back about how you tricked me into it.”

“Not laughing—“

“How could you do this to girls if you don’t feel contempt for us?” I was getting madder by the minute. “I could tell everyone that you’ve lied.”

His expression was impassive. “I expect you to.
I don’t care.”

“Oh, really?”
I glared at him. “You’re full of shit! Obviously this Victor-charade means everything to you.”

“No, it’s over and done with.
Never again.”

I
shook my head. “I have no reason to believe you.”

“
I can prove it to you.”

“
How? You’ve already proven yourself to be a liar.” I stood up, still shaking my head. “I should have known better than to talk to you again. You tricked me in our first scene when I thought you were going to hurt me. And you tricked me the whole time we were together. I’m done with you.”