Role Play (39 page)

We
finished touring the art show, and drifted back toward the door. “Are you sure you want to go back in there?”

I
felt emboldened by my talk with Liam. “I don’t care if he’s there.”

“Good, the fire show should be over soon
.”

We
went into the darkened performance space. Lights were flashing now, accenting the fire show that was happening on the stage. I looked around for Lola, but the place was packed. I didn’t see Vic either.

Up on stage, bursts of fire shot out of the performers’ mouths.
I was glad we were at the back end of the auditorium instead of up front where sparks were falling down.

Liam called out a greeting to some people he knew, and he told
me, “Come meet my friends.”

I
felt another pang at how easy it was with Liam compared to Vic. Liam’s friends were a couple and two women who may or may not have been together. It was hard for me to tell. The older woman lightly teased Liam about his “full dance card.”

“I’m not topping anyone tonight,” Liam said with his usual smile.

“Not even you?” the younger woman asked me.

“Excuse me?”
I asked, feeling that question was personal without knowing exactly what it meant.

The older woman saw
my uneasiness. “There’s always a play party after the last performance,” she explained. “Liam usually has them lined up waiting to play with him.”

“I’m showing Sierra around tonight,” Liam said.

I felt better as they looked at me with new interest. They chatted easily about the art show and performances. Liam told them that the flamingo in the suspension act was my sister, and they exclaimed over how cool the show had been. The guy-half of the couple showed me his cell phone—he had taken a picture of the two girls suspended in the webbing. Lola really looked flamingo-ish, in a strange way.

I
felt a stab of fear knowing that image would probably end up on the Internet. Transcendence had lots of photos posted on their Instagram already. I would have to get used to my little sister’s over-exposure.

Liam
told us about running into a cousin of his who was in the scene in Philadelphia, where he was born and raised. It turned out most of the others had family members who were kinky but hid it from the rest of their extended family. The older woman laughed about seeing her aunt at an event decades ago, when kink was much more underground than it was now, and they both had been completely gob-smacked by seeing each other.

I
had never applied the word “kinky” to myself. But I must be or I wouldn’t have kissed Victor’s boots.

Vic’s boots
, I corrected myself. The man inside the mythical master…

“Do you like bondage like your sister?” Liam asked
me.

I
realized that I must have blanked out on the conversation. Lost in the memories of Vic, again. It was really becoming a problem.

His friends were talking to each other and he had turned to
me alone. I was struck again by how refreshing it was to hear about his family and where he grew up. No secrets here. These friends had known him for years.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”
I asked.

“Do you like bondage like your sister?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never tried it,” I replied.

Liam seemed surprised. “You haven’t ever been tied up?”

“Oh, well, yes. Once. My wrists,” I suddenly remembered. How could I forget? It had all started with a short piece of rope, and I remembered thinking…
what harm can he do with rope in only a minute?

It made
me sigh. Everything had changed since then, and then changed again. I still wasn’t used to this new reality.

The fire show on stage reached a grand finale, and everyone
was watching the bursting flames. I was wondering if we should move closer to the exit in case it got out of hand, but the show finally stopped and there was a spate of clapping and some coughing from up closer to the stage.

“That’s over,” Liam said with satisfaction. “Now people can play.”

As if on cue, three of the pony girls pranced past us as the cowboy touched them up with his quirt, making them dance faster. He drove them over to a cross that was being dragged away from the wall by a guy wearing a neon green vest. The two men chatted for a moment as the girls circled the cross, tossing their heads and pony tails.

“Why are her arms like that?”
I asked Liam, gesturing to one. Her arms were pulled behind her and encased in black leather.

“It gives her body
a certain posture, lifting her chest and arching her back. Some people think it looks more like a horse. Others like the bondage part of it. That feeling of being constrained and contained.”

I
shook my head. “Lola never liked to be restrained or contained in
any
way. If that’s the allure of bondage, it doesn’t make any sense why she’s doing it.”

“I suspect for your sister it’s
more about the audience. And suspension bondage is different—there’s an endurance factor. It can be very painful so you have to be able to breathe through the process so the rigger doesn’t have to take you down before the show is over. It gives you a real endorphin rush.”

“It hurts? It looks so pretty when they’re done.”

“If you’d gone up on stage, you would have seen the ropes are fairly tight and dig into the skin. She’s probably got a lot of rope marks on her right now.”

For some reason,
I got goose bumps thinking of ropes digging into my own skin so tightly that it left spiral rope marks. I wanted to feel something that wasn’t pain that came from thinking about Vic. Maybe Lola was taking pleasure in conquering the limitations of her own body, of feeling something intense on her own terms, not anyone else’s.

That sounded alluring right now.

Without thinking, I pulled my arms back, watching the pony girl and trying to imagine what it felt like. I couldn’t bring my elbows together like the girl’s were.

Then
Liam reached around me, holding onto my elbows, gently steadying me. “How does that feel?”

“It’s as far back as I can get.”

“There’s more play in your shoulders, but you can’t do it yourself. That’s one of the beauties of this pose. You have to be placed into it.” His hands gently pressed inward. “Feel that?”

As he
gently positioned my arms, my chest lifted towards him and my spine seemed to lengthen. “Wow… that’s wild,” I said.

Liam’s hands sent a shiver through
me. Being handled by him gave me a rush, exactly like with Vic. He held me there for a few moments, and I looked up at his eyes. He wasn’t smiling now. He was intently looking at me, in control, deciding when I’d had enough.

As he slowly released
me, I shifted my shoulders and let my arms drop. I felt confused and excited, conflicted by how many emotions his touch stirred inside of me. Maybe Liam was right. Maybe it was the kink and not Vic who had turned me inside-out.

The way
Liam was looking at me made me blush. “Did you like that?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Would you like to try more? I could rig a harness up each of your arms using rope, with a lace that holds them together behind you.”

I
hesitated. “I don’t think I could do that for very long.”

“I’ll
tie each arm separately while you’re standing here like this. Then I’ll lace them together. It will take a few seconds to do up and easy to get out of again.”

I
hesitated on the edge of a big decision. Should I try it again? This man was everything Vic wasn’t—honest, caring,
safe
. He had real friends who knew him. Friends who were standing right over there. People I liked, who had a lot of experience doing this kind of thing.

Liam
wasn’t going to go psycho on me over some fucked up mommy-issues. He wasn’t going to make me feel like I was less than him.

It might be
exactly the medicine I was looking for, to rid me of the specter of
Victor
. The perfect master who didn’t exist.

I
looked around. I hadn’t seen Vic since we came back into the performance space. Most likely he had left when I went into the art show with Liam. I wouldn’t have to feel his eyes on me, tearing me out of the moment.

“Yes,”
I said. “I want to try it.”

Chapter
37

Vic

I watched Liam hold Sierra’s arms behind her. I saw how her chin lifted and her chest swelled with a deep breath. The way she shyly turned her head away from him. How Liam stood so close to her, his head bent to murmur in her ear…

It was torture.
My well-deserved punishment.

I
stayed well back in the shadows, knowing I couldn’t hide my obsession if anyone saw me. I wanted nothing more than to take Liam down for touching Sierra. But I had no right to do that. I knew in my bones that she belonged to me, but if she didn’t think so, my feelings meant nothing.

I
had loved Adrianne, as only an eighteen year old could love an older, experienced woman. She had blown my mind, honed my natural need to dominate, and allowed me to master her. And she had loved me, in her selfish way, as long as I gave her what she wanted.

But this was different.
I felt like I knew Sierra in a way I had never known anyone. Like I had always known her. I knew how serious she was about her work, and that she would make her life better for herself no matter how hard it was. I knew how alone she was and the set-backs she’d suffered, but in spite of that, she didn’t whine about the bad things that happened to her.

Most of all,
I knew how tormented she was by her sister’s rejection. I never knew that family could be so loyal, but Sierra was loyal to a fault. If only my sister had been that way, my entire life would have been different. If she could have loved me a tenth as much as Sierra loved Lola, I might have been okay.

Sierra was the best person
I had ever met. She was so pure that she made me believe in myself. But as I tried to become a better person, I had to reveal my shit to her.

And in doing that,
I had hurt her even more. I had hurt her a lot since the night we met.

I
had no right to love her. But I did.
Love her.

Liam guided Sierra closer to the wall, out of the mass of people who were gathering around the pieces of equipment that
now dotted the open floor. I shifted back along with them, staying in the shadows where I could see them.

One of Liam’s friends came over carrying
several bundles of white rope. The three of them talked for a few moments, and Sierra gestured to something out on the floor. The guy clapped Liam on the shoulder.

Then he
left the two of them alone. With the rope in Liam’s hands.

They were going to have a scene.

A wordless cry of anguish filled my head, and I had to clench my fist in my other hand, telling myself not to move. I couldn’t go and take Sierra from Liam by force. As much as I longed to.

Liam stood in front of Sierra, lightly holding her hands as they spoke.
Probably asking for her safeword. Would she use the one I had given her?

Now
Sierra was nodding and smiling shyly. Her eyes never left Liam, as he began to weave his spell around her.

Liam pushed up her filmy sleeve and began tying the rope around her upper arm,
right above her elbow. He tied it off and then made another loop underneath that one, and tied that off. Then he made another loop right below her elbow and tied it off.

Liam kept stroking her arm down to her hand between tying each knot.
I could tell Sierra was being lulled by the way he handled her. Her eyes closed a few times, and she visibly trembled at one point.

I
felt as if I was being flayed alive. My jealousy raged, along with my envy of Liam. It was that same old envy that had urged me to take advantage of girls who didn’t think I was good enough.

I
deserved every moment of this torture. For all the lies I had told, and all the women I had hurt. I was getting what I deserved.

Chapter 38

Sierra

I
liked it. I liked how Liam smelled and the way he spoke to me, gentle with an undertone of command. And standing there passively while he was touching me so deliberately made me shiver in delicious anticipation.

I
kept trying to blank my mind, to concentrate on the sensations. But memories of Vic kept intruding… he always used to trail his fingers down my arm to my hand when he wanted to hold it. He used to touch my face with his fingertips, and smooth back my hair... I wished Liam would do that, but he was concentrating on the knots.