Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (8 page)

Do people with whom you've had an intimate relationship consider you jealous? The more jealous people feel, the more likely it is that their romantic partners will consider them jealous (far more so than other people who know them well). The reason seems simple enough: When a person is jealous, their mate can't help but notice it and "tell it like it is." Right? Not necessarily. It is also possible that the more a mate considers one jealous, the more likely one will be to consider him or herself jealous. The mate may call one jealous for different reasons, only one of which is that one truly is jealous. Another reason, as we saw, is that the mate either has fantasies about sexual involvements with other people or has real affairs and makes one think one is excessively jealous to excuse his or her own behavior.

When I asked people what they thought caused jealousy, one of the two most common responses was "personal insecurity." Some people, and as we saw earlier some researchers, believe that jealousy is part of a person's personality, that those who are insecure in general are also insecure about their intimate relationships, and that insecurity manifests itself in jealousy" Sounds straightforward enough, doesn't it? Yet the second top-rated explanation was, "Jeal- oust' is the result of being afraid of losing face." Third in the ranking was, "Jealousy is the result of weakness in the relationship" Fourth was, "Jealousy results from feeling excluded and left out."

Being afraid of losing face, feeling excluded, and having problems in the relationship are not stable parts of a person's personality. Rather, they are related to the dynamics of 'a particular relationship or a particular situation.

This brings us back to the notion that jealousy always results from an interaction between a certain predisposition and a certain triggering event. The predisposition for jealousy is related to other personality characteristics such as insecurity and self-esteem. Whether or not the predisposition will actually reveal itself depends on the relationship-the nature of problems the couple experiences, involvement with other people, as well as the trust and sense of security that both partners have in the relationship.

Whether or not the predisposition to jealousy will reveal itself also depends on people's current mental state, which may have nothing to do with jealousy. The better one's mental state, the less likely one is to suffer from jealousy. Of course, being in the midst Oki jealousy crisis doesn't have the best effect on one's mental slale.14

Poor physical condition, to a lesser degree than poor mental condition, is also associated with a greater tendency to experience jealousy. The better one's physical condition in general, the less likely one is to suffer from jealousy.

Unlike the findings concerning the antecedents of"jealousy in people's early childhood experiences-about which they can (10 little-the findings about the correlation between mental and physical condition on the one hand, and jealousy on the other hand, can be translated to specific recommendations.

People who are frequently tormented by jealousy can prepare themselves to deal with the problem by improving their general mental and physical health. (Mental health can be improved by therapy, by relaxation exercises, or by doing things that make one feel good.) When people feel better psychologically, they are likely to suffer less from jealousy, even if other factors contributing to the situation haven't changed. Similarly, getting into better physical shape improves one's ability to cope with all of life's stresses, including jealousy. People who enjoy dancing, for example, can put on music with a good beat and dance for fifteen minutes each day, especially when depressed, and it will have a positive effect both on their mood and their physical condition-which is likely to help them handle their jealousy more effectively.

A Word about Mild Jealousy

Thus far the focus has been extreme jealousy, the kind that causes tremendous pain and rage. Jealousy is not always that extreme; it comes in milder forms, too. Most people experience mild jealousy far more often than extreme jealousy ("every time I see him flirting with an attractive woman"; "every time she expresses admiration of another man"). The experience lasts a far shorter time (seconds as compared to days or months) and is much less painful and traumatic. In fact, some people even say that this type of jealousy adds spice to their relationships. A woman who describes herself as very happily married explains:

When I see him flirting with in attractive woman, his eyes shining and his whole face radiating, it reminds me of what a handsome man he is. I feel a twinge of jealousy, but it's not an unpleasant feeling. I can even say that I rather like it. It brings excitement into our relationship, a tease. It assumes I don't take him for granted. What makes me so cool about it is the fact that I feel secure in his love, and know that when we go home we are going to talk about that other woman, and laugh about it all.

Jealousy is like a hot pepper. Use it mildly, and you add spice to the relationship. Use too much of it and it can burn. Indeed, in one of my studies of marriage burnout I discovered that the more people experienced intense jealousy in their relationship, the more likely they were to burn out_1' The reverse seems true of mild jealousy.

The "Jealous Person" and the "Nonjealous Person"

People who describe themselves as "jealous" also describe themselves as suffering from jealousy more intensely and more frequently than people who describe themselves as "not jealous." For the former group, jealousy is more easily triggered and it lasts longer. They con sider their jealousy more of'a problem and report experiencing more jealousy during all stages of' their life. Other people help validate their perception of themselves as jealous. People who know them well, and people with whom they have had intimate relationships, consider them jealous.

Yet, as we have seen throughout this chapter, people who describe themselves as not jealous also experience jealousy when an important relationship is threatened. Furthermore, they experience it with the same physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms as people who define themselves WS jealous. They experience it in response to similar triggers and in a similar rank order: An affair with someone they know and envy triggers the most jealousy, and an affair with someone they don't know and of whom they have a low opinion triggers the least jealousy.

While the triggers and the actual experience of jealousy are similar in both groups, there are a number of differences between the relationships of self-described jealous and nonjealous people. Nonjealous people feel more secure in their relationships, expect them to last longer, and are more certain that their partners have never been unfaithful. By contrast, it appears that even when self-described jealous people have good reasons to feel insecure in their relationships and experience jealousy, many view their jealousy as a personality trait. They don't say, "1 feel jealous because my husband of thirty-five years has had an affair." They say instead, "I feel this intense jealousy because I am a jealous person." One response implies that the problem is a result of the situation and thus can be changed. The other implies that the problem is built into the individual's personality and thus is hard to change.

Given the great agreement among people about what triggers jealousy and how it is experienced, it's amazing that some choose to explain it as a personality trait about which there is little they can do, while others explain it in the context of a particular situation about which they can do quite a lot.

It is possible, of course, that some people view their jealousy as a personality trail because it explains behaviors that would otherwise be unacceptable. Sexual jealousy is widely accepted as grounds for moral indignation in our culture. "Feeling jealous" serves as an explanation or excuse for a wide range of hostile, bitter, and even violent actions. Without the legitimizing context of jealousy, these actions would be taken as symptoms of severe pathology and derangement (Wagner, 1976).

Not surprisingly, people who describe themselves as jealous also tend to attribute more positive effects to jealousy and see it more positively overall than do people who view themselves as not jealous. For example, jealous people tend to believe that jealousy teaches us not to take each other for granted, makes relationships last longer, induces commitment, brings excitement to listless relationships, makes one's mate look more desirable, and makes one examine one's relationship.

But although being "a jealous person" can be effective in excusing certain unacceptable behaviors ("That's why I don't want you to dance with anyone else"; "That's why I had a temper tantrum"), in the long run it causes more problems than it solves. The reason: It greatly reduces people's freedom to act and their ability to cope directly with jealousy triggers.

Having said that, let me return to the question presented at the beginning of this chapter: Are you a jealous person? Whatever people's answer to this question is, they are usually very interested in learning about the unconscious roots of their jealousy-the subject of the next chapter.

A Note to Therapists

The Romantic Jealousy Questionnaire can be used as a diagnostic tool prior to individual therapy, couple therapy, or a jealousy workshop. It can also be used during therapy (starting with the most extreme experience of jealousy). At times, this is what brought the person or couple in to begin with. In these cases, the jealousy is likely related to the discovery of an affair.

The discovery of an affair is a very traumatic experience for a couple. The betrayed spouse is likely to be experiencing posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms. Often, just naming the symptoms seems to help. It suggests that the jealous person is not crazy, just suffering from a known trauma. The treatment of this trauma can be done using cognitive, behavioral, systemic, or psychodynamic techniques suggested throughout the book.

 
3

The Unconscious Roots
of Romantic Jealousy

No one who ... conjures up the most evil of those half-tamed demons that inhibit the human breast, and seeks to wrestle with them, can expect to come through the struggle unscathed.

-Sigmund I rcud, "Dora"

Jealousy Is Normal and Universal

According to Freud (1922/1955), jealousy is Universal not because it is innate, but because it is inevitable. No one can escape it because it originates in painful childhood experiences we all share. These universal childhood traumas are reexperienced whenever our jealousy is evoked in adulthood.

Because everyone experiences it, jealousy is, by definition, normal. Indeed, Freud describes jealousy as "one of those affective states, like grief, that may be described as normal. If anyone appears to be without it, the inference can be justified that it has undergone severe repression and consequently plays all the greater part in his unconscious mental life."

In Freud's view, if a person does not experience jealousy when an important relationship is threatened, something is not altogether right about him. It is akin to not feeling grief when someone you care deeply about dies. Such a response most probably means that the person is working hard to suppress the feelings of jealousy and hide them from self and others.

In 1979, fifty-six years after the publication of Freud's work on jealousy, a psychiatrist named Emil Pinta published an article entitled "Pathological Tolerance; describing a clinical syndrome in which a person who should be jealous is not. Pinta cites several cases in which a husband or a wife accepted a sexual relationship between his or her mate and a third person (Pinta, 1979).

In one case, John (25 years old) and Sharon (55 years old) were married. Michael (age 17), a high-school dropout who was originally hired to help with chores on the farm, lived with them and had become Sharon's lover. Sharon insisted that she loved both men and was unwilling to make a choice between them. John resented having another ►nan in his home making love to his wife, yet was reluctant to leave or to pressure Sharon to decide between himself and Michael.

In another case, Lana (26 years old) was married to Jack (32 years old). During the year prior to her starting therapy, another woman, Marilyn (32 years old) lived with them in their home and shared Jack sexually. Marilyn and Jack worked during the day, leaving Lana at home to babysit Marilyn's two children from a previous marriage. Lana described herself as feeling "unappreciated and misunderstood" by Jack, Marilyn, and the children. tier primary reason for entering therapy was to "have the children obey me" She was aware that her relationship with Jack and Marilyn was emotionally destructive, but refused to consider leaving or insisting that Marilyn leave. Pinta suggests that the dynamics of pathological tolerance are identical to those of pathological jealousy. We will return to the dynamics of pathological tolerance (and to the two triangles) after we examine the dynamics of pathological jealousy. For now, suffice it to say that most people would probably agree with Pinta that in both John's and Lana's case, something is not quite "normal" about their lack of jealousy and their entire relationship.

A clinical syndrome similar to pathological tolerance is "psychological scotoma" (blindness), the inability to notice or to correctly interpret situations that are obvious jealousy triggers to virtually everyone else. An example of psychological scotoma that was first mentioned in chapter one is the husband whose wife flirts with every man around and sleeps with anyone willing and able; the husband is the only one who doesn't know and doesn't suspect. A woman who became sexually involved with a man whose wife seemed to be suffering from psychological scotoma describes the strange experience: