Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (6 page)

■ your mate is open to, and frequently has, casual sexual experiences?

■ you discover that your mate recently had a "one-night stand"?

■ you discover that your mate had a love affair many years ago, when the two of you were already a couple?

■ you discover that your mate had a love affair many years ago, before the two of you were a couple?

■ you discover that your mate had a love affair many years ago, when the two of you were already a couple, with a person who is now deceased?

■ you discover that your mate had a love affair many years ago, before the two of you were a couple, with a person who is now deceased?

Everyone who answered these questions described the most intense jealousy in response to a mate announcing that he or she has fallen in love with another person and is leaving. This is the nightmare that triggers the most intense jealousy, even in situations that don't really pose this kind of threat. The reason is obvious. This situation represents the ultimate threat to a love relationship-its painful, unwanted, and unexpected end. In one of my jealousy workshops, a woman told what happened when she found herself, unexpectedly, in this exact situation:

My husband came home one night looking very grim. When I asked him what the problem was, he said he had fallen in love with another woman, that he had been having an affair with her for a while, and had finally decided to leave me and go live with her. I went wild. I jumped at him and started hitting his face with my bare hands. He is much bigger and stronger than I am, but there was no way he could stop me. I didn't stop until his face was covered with blood.

Years after the incident, she was still not over it. She shook and sobbed as she was describing it, still unable to comprehend how she, a calm, sane, nonviolent person, could have done what she did. My clinical experience seems to suggest that the situation she was in is the most likely to produce violence. The person who is left for another is pushed against the wall without a recourse to prevent the impending catastrophe. The violence is a response to the helpless frustration, pain, rage, and despair.

For most people questioned, the idea of their mate leaving them for another was almost too much to contemplate. Other situations involving a current affair-even a casual one-night stand-also caused intense jealousy. On the other hand, an affair that happened many years ago, especially if it happened before they were a couple, caused little or no jealousy.

The reason? This kind of an affair no longer poses a threat to the relationship. On the rare occasions when it does-as in the case of the wife who doesn't stop telling her new husband how wonderful her late husband was-it is likely to trigger jealousy. This is true despite the fact that the "other person" no longer presents a "real" threat to the relationship.

A past relationship can cause a "perceived" threat even without such an obvious provocation. A woman described her jealousy when seeing her husband's ex-wife for the first time:

We were sitting in the football stadium waiting for the game to start when my husband said, "There's Meg," and pointed to a woman who sat across the aisle from us. I fell the blood rush to my head and thought I was going to faint. The fact that they had a terrible divorce that happened before my time didn't matter. All I could think about was that they used to be high-school sweethearts, something we could never be, and that he was madly in love with her in those early days.

Even an affair that happened many years ago with a person who is now deceased can cause jealousy, despite the obvious fact that this person can't possibly present a real threat. This happens when the dead person poses a threat to the quality of the relationship.

A powerful example of just such a situation is described in James Joyce's short story "The Dead" (Joyce, 1969). After a lavish dinner party, Gabriel is feeling amorous toward Gretta, his wife. But she is distracted; a song played at the party reminded her of a young man she knew in her youth. Gabriel, who wants to get her out of her strange mood so they can make love, is feeling a twinge of jealousy:

I Ic tried to keep up his tone of cold interrogation but his voice when he spoke was humble and indifferent.

-1 suppose you were in love with this Michael Fury, Gretta, he said.

-I was great with him at that time, she said.

Her voice was veiled and sad. Gabriel, feeling now how vain it would be to try to lead her with what he had purposed caressed one of her hands and said also sadly:

-And what did he die of so young, Gretta? Consumption, was it?

-l think he died for me, she answered.

A vague terror seized Gabriel at this answer as if, at that hour when he had hoped to triumph, some impalpable and vindictive being was coming against hinm, gathering forces against him in its vague world. But he shook himself free of it with an effort of reason and continued to caress her hand.

Gabriel's reason tells him that he has nothing to worry about. Yet lie knows full well that the dead Fury (what a great choice of both men's names) has defeated him in the battle for Gretta's love.

Just as a past relationship can still present a threat, embarrassing circumstances in which an affair is discovered can pose an additional threat not only to the relationship itself, but also to the image that the couple presents to other people.

How much jealousy would you experience in each one of the following situations: no jealousy at all? moderate jealousy? extreme jealousy? Once again, these are all situations that actually happened to people.

You discover that your mate has a love affair and

■ your mate is extremely indiscreet, a scandal erupts in the middle of a big party, you are cast in the role of the betrayed lover, and are expected to respond?

■ your mate is extremely indiscreet, a scandal erupts, you are cast in the role of the betrayed lover, and hear about it when you are alone?

■ everyone else but you has known about it for a long time, but no one has said anything?

■ everyone knows about it?

■ only you and few close, trusted friends know?

■ your mate is very discreet, the three of you are the only ones who know, and they know that you know?

■ your mate is very discreet, no one else knows, and your mate doesn't know that you know?

Based on the responses of those surveyed, the worst trigger of jealousy is not the situation in which a scandal erupts in the middle of a big party. A woman who found herself in this situation describes the experience:

I wanted to leave the party, and since I couldn't find my husband, I decided to leave alone. I went to get my coat, together with some other guests who were ready to leave. I opened the bedroom where the coats were put, with the other guests right behind me. There, on top of the coats, was my husband fucking this slut he had been flirting with all night long.... I felt the blood running out of my face, and my knees started wobbling. But I knew everyone was looking at me and waiting for me to respond. So I just said, "Good night, dear. I'm going home," and left.

Behaving in this cool and collected manner gave her a measure of control in the situation. This, and other people's similar experiences, suggest that in public people are more likely to minimize their jealous responses. The courageous face that they put on helps them control their reactions, at least to some extent, and manage their jealousy better than they would otherwise.

When you discover that your mate had an affair for years and that everyone else but you knew about it, you don't have the comfort that such a public performance can provide. A man who had gone through this devastating experience describes it:

We were married thirty-seven years and I was sure we had a wonderful marriage. One day I came home early and discovered my wife in the bedroom with a man I considered one of my best friends. I was devastated. Then I discovered to my horror that this had been going on for years and all our friends and acquaintances knew about it, but no one had said anything. I felt betrayed and terribly humiliated. I could imagine them talking behind my back, laughing.... It was horrible.

This man believed that the situation would have been easier to bear if only the three people involved knew about it. The ease or difficulty in this case are not necessarily related to the level of threat posed by the outside relationship. One could argue that an affair that has gone on for years doesn't pose much of a threat, since everyone, including the unfaithful mate, has tried to protect the marriage by keeping the affair a secret. While the discovery of "the slut on the coats" may be more embarrassing at the time, a long-term secret affair presents a far more serious threat.

Why is our response to such public situations so extreme? The reason is that these situations threaten the public image of our relationship. We are socialized to believe that people fall in love with their "match made in heaven" and live with that one and only, "happily ever after." Part of the pain associated with the discovery that our mate is having an affair comes from the realization that we can no longer apply this idealized image to ourselves. When other people know about the affair, the image of our relationship in the public eye is destroyed. Their knowledge takes away our option of pretending to the world that "everything's fine."

People Who Trigger Jealousy

Thus far we have focused on the different situations that can trigger jealousy. But the effects these situations can have depend on the people involved. It is possible, for example, that the woman who discovered her husband on the pile of coats was able to keep her cool because she didn't consider the other woman a serious rival, but instead a worthless "slut." The man who discovered his wife with his best friend, on the other hand, not only had a serious rival, but the added pain of betrayal by the two people he most loved and trusted.

David DeSteno and Peter Salovey (1996b) studied the effect the characteristics of the rival have on jealousy. Subjects were presented with a series of rivals for their partner's attention. The descriptions of the rivals were designed to vary along dimensions thought to be important to subjects' self-definition. Results showed that greater jealousy was reported when the domain of a rival's achievements was also a domain of high relevance to the subject.

Who are the people who most elicit your jealousy? Try to imagine how much jealousy you would experience if you found out that your mate has been having an affair with:

■ someone you don't know personally and of whom you have a low opinion.

■ someone you don't know personally and know nothing about.

■ someone you don't know personally and of whom you think very highly.

■ someone you know personally and distrust.

■ someone you know personally and find very similar to yourself.

■ someone you know personally, trust, and consider a friend.

■ a family member.

■ your best friend and confidant.

■ someone you know personally and are envious of.

Most people who answered this question said that a person they had a low opinion of and didn't know personally triggered the least amount of jealousy. The "slut on the coats" is one example. A "hostess" in a hotel bar with whom a woman's husband had a one-night stand is another example. Having a low opinion about these kinds of people as well as not knowing them personally are two elements that help reduce the threat that involvement with them implies. It's important to note, however, that even this kind of "low-life," unknown person elicits some jealousy.

The most jealousy-provoking "third person" was someone the respondents knew personally and whom they envied: someone they found brighter or more attractive than themselves, or else more successful in exactly the ways they would have liked to be. As DeSteno and Salovey (1996b) demonstrated, the greatest jealousy is triggered when the area in which the rival excels (the domain of a rival's achievements) is a domain of high relevance to the betrayed person. A partner's affair with this type of a rival produces the greatest perceived threat. The reason is obvious; if you think the person is better than you, why shouldn't your partner?

How Jealous Are You?

After people have had a chance to consider their responses to these different situations and rivals, it is possible to ask them directly: How jealous do you think you are? Not at all? Moderately? Extremely? As expected, the majority of respondents described themselves as moderately jealous. Very few described themselves as either extremely jealous or not jealous at all.

Going back to the memory of the most intense experience of jealousy, Ilow long slid the experience last? Minutes? Days? Months? Years? Most people report that extreme jealousy lasts for days. In a few cases, when the experience is especially traumatic or the person is especially prone to jealousy, it can last for months and even years.

Jane, an attractive and elegant woman, was happily married for 35 years until she discovered that her husband had had an affair with a younger woman he knew through his job. Seven months after she discovered the affair-long after her husband had end(,(] it-Jane was still unable to get over her intense jealousy. She couldn't stop thinking about the other woman and eventually started spying on her. The first time she was able to "check her out" was at an opera matinee. Seeing her rival in an outrageous backless dress sent Jane into a decline for weeks.