Room 212 (16 page)

“Laura, stop. This is just as hard for me.” I saw his face crumble with a slap which landed squarely on his face. I wanted him to feel bad. I wanted him to hurt as much as he was hurting me.

“You made me think… FUCK YOU!” I saw his face harden. I ran away from him, shutting my bedroom door I sat on the edge of my bed letting the tears pour out of me and tried to stifle my sobs. I threw off my shoes and fell into bed. There was no way I would ever get over Seth Whittaker. I loved him with every inch of me. It was over. He had chosen her. I buried my head under my pillow. I braced myself for a long night. I felt an exhaustion come over me and was thankful for the hope that I could drift off, until I felt his hand on my back.

“Please get out. Go get your Barbie. I’ll deal with it, just get out.”

“Laura, I didn’t know how you felt about me until now.”

“Yes, you did. You knew. Just like I know you’re making a huge mistake. It doesn’t matter how long you have loved her, you love me now. If you say one word about your stupid fucking plan for the future I can’t be held responsible for my reaction.”

He slid his arm around my neck and pulled me to him. He took my mouth and kissed me so gently I cried against his lips. God I hated him. He had me undressed in seconds and hovered over me naked, watching me cry.

He pushed himself inside of me and I let out a gasp. I kissed him so feverishly he had to pull his mouth back for air. I pulled him to me so we were chest to chest. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, breathing me in, kissing me, sliding himself so slowly, in and out of me, taking my breath away. Tears slid one after another down my cheeks and he kissed them away one by one. He made it a point to make it last. I felt every inch of him, every kiss he had left for me.

When we both had finally come, without saying a word, he dressed himself and left my apartment. Sex had changed nothing. Seth was done with me. I felt my heart begin to bleed. I felt my stomach turn and immediately ran to the bathroom and emptied it completely. I took a glance in the mirror and hated the stupid fool staring back at me. I washed my mouth out and quickly searched my purse for something, anything, to take my mind off of him. When I came up with nothing, I immediately got in my car and went on the hunt. I would do whatever it took to erase him from me completely. Whatever it took.

*****

I woke up and felt the sting of fresh tears in my eyes. I couldn’t breathe. I tried my best to let sleep take me again, but it was pointless. I felt his hands on me, the look in his eyes when he made love to me. How I wished I could describe it as something else. Seth made love to me, he never screwed me. It never felt rushed and I’d never felt anything but love. I choked on another sob as I gathered what was left of me off of the bed. I paced my apartment as my mind raced. I was never going see him again. I was never going to feel his kiss. He would never again call me his baby. He loved someone else. He’d chosen someone else. I was not good enough for him. I wasn’t important enough to him and he was all that mattered to me.

I raked my nails up and down my arms, pacing, crying, a sea of memories washing over me. It was agony. There was a burning in my throat as I reached for the phone. He couldn’t do this to me, to us. I couldn’t be alone in this! There is no way I was alone in this! I put the phone down knowing a call to him wouldn’t make a difference. He had made up his mind. I picked up my pager. No page. I had no one. I had nothing. I was completely alone, and had questions for the one person in the world I was no longer allowed to talk to. I trusted him. I loved him! I couldn’t handle the constant tug in my chest. I couldn’t do anything at the moment to numb myself. Without thinking it through, I grabbed my purse and walked out of my apartment and did what any other southern girl would do. I went to my mother.

I pulled up to the driveway and saw she was planting some new roses in her garden. My parents lived in a beautiful two-story white colonial home with a circular drive. They had moved in shortly after I left home. I quickly ran to her, my heart in my hands. She rose to greet me with hesitation. Her gloves were covered in dirt and she had an exasperated look on her face. I knew she was worried about what was next, but I needed her and I let her know quickly.

“Mom…” It was a plea, a one word apology that begged forgiveness for all the shit I had put her through. I knew my face was a wreck and my eyes were still bleeding salt for Seth. Seth. Another wave of pain hit me and I saw the hard lines in her face disappear.

“Laura, what is it? What happened?”

I ran into her arms, taking her by complete surprise. She quickly rid herself of her gloves and wrapped them around me tightly.

“Mom, it hurts. It hurts so much, I can’t breathe, Mom. I can’t breathe!”

“Laura what is it?” She pushed herself away from me, examining me for some sort of physical injury, but with one look in my eyes realization quickly washed over her.

“Come inside, Laura Lynn.”

I hated that name. It was as southern as it got. All of the people who thought of Texas as the land of tumbleweeds and cowboys were total idiots. I grew up in a town thirty minutes south of Dallas. The only cowboys we had around were on a football team. I was a suburbanite. I felt a small level of comfort when she called me by my pet name. Still, I hated the name.

I came clean as I paced the living room, waving my arms around as I spoke, throwing around way too much information. I would see her take in deep breaths as I revealed my twisted world to her. I spared her a majority of the details that I knew would keep her up nights, but the rawness in my heart, the desperation I felt, led me to a complete confession as I paced and cried to her. She would chime in with a question here and there, but mostly sat in silence, growing paler with each confession. I finished with Seth. I saw her eyes moisten as I cried hysterically. I told her of how he had cared for me, of how he had taught me so much, of the way he treated me and how he tore my world apart with his goodbye. I knew I looked like a complete lunatic to her, after almost a year without talking, but I needed her. She was all I had.

I finally sat next to her, desperate for whatever light she could shed. “It hurts so much, it’s like my chest is on fire. I miss him so badly already, Mom. Please, help me! I can’t do this. I don’t understand, I haven’t known him long enough. I was with Chris for two years and never cried once.”

I watched her weigh her words as she studied me. “Love doesn’t care if you were there for five years or five minutes, Laura. Once your heart decides to give itself away, time has nothing to do with it. It’s not a choice you made, it’s a choice your heart made. You are in love with Seth.”

“I know that! How do I make this,” I held my chest with both hands, “stop? It has to stop. I can’t think. I can’t function, Mom.” I felt myself starting to hiccup through my tears. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried that hard.

I saw her tears as she held me to her. She put my head in her lap as I sobbed out what was left in me. She held me close to her until the last tearful breath escaped me.

“You know, Laura Lynn, our God is a jealous God. If you love something more than him, he is bound to take it away. Very few people in this world get a chance to spend their life with their first love. It’s a gift only a select few get. Love is a lot of things, but it is not kind.” I saw a look of defiance wash over her and disappear quickly. “We all get our hearts broken at some point, and we are not supposed to question, but this is something I definitely want to take up with him.” She pointed upward, the way she always did when she spoke about God.

God was the foundation in our family home. Dave and I had many conversations with our parents on the subject and had both drawn our own conclusions. I believed and was more afraid of God than I could admit on a daily basis. My lifestyle was the complete opposite of a God fearing Christian. I would have a lot of explaining to do to him.

“Mom, what do I do?”

“You cry. You hurt. You scrape yourself out of bed each day looking for a new reason to be happy. Laura, you are so young and have so much to look forward to. I promise you, you will always love Seth, but you will survive this.”

“I don’t want to survive anything. I want him. I want to be with him, always.”

“Laura, a man has to come to you willingly with all his heart in order to be yours. You can’t force the same thing you feel on him. It will never work.”

“Oh God, so I’m stuck feeling like this? How long, Mom?”

“For the rest of your life.”

“MOM!”

She chuckled at my reaction. “Love songs were made for a reason, Laura. They are full of happiness at times, but mostly heartache. You need an outlet. Find something you love to do and do it every day until the pain starts to ease up a bit.”

“Like what,” I snorted, “gardening?”

“I don’t see why not? Get up, Laura. Come help me.”

“Mom, I’m not exactly in the mood to—”

“You want my help or not?”

“It seems like you want mine.”

Once outside, I grabbed some gloves and began the task with her as she ordered me around. Her favorite rose was, of course, the Yellow Rose of Texas and a large majority of her garden was filled with them.

“Even roses have thorns surrounding them.” She mused at me as she put a fresh rose bush into the ground and ushered me to fill in the dirt. “But they are still a beautiful thing with all their flaws.” She was enjoying this a little too much. I looked exactly like my mother. Our height, eye color, hair, it was all the same. I wondered just how close to home I was hitting with my broken heart.

I planted three more bushes with my mother as she used the new intel I had given her to badger me with what she considered more pressing issues.

“So you bartend and party and have nothing more important to do?”

“Mom, I don’t want a white picket fence life.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being different, but I just don’t want you to go through the difficult.”

“What’s so difficult about earning quick money to spend my free time how I choose?”

She let out a long breath. “Life is not as simple as paying the bills, Laura.”

“Sure seems that way to me.”

“You are the most stubborn brat in the world.”

“Thanks, Mom. I love you, too.”

We spent the rest of our day gardening and talking about Seth until I had to leave to get ready for work. My mother handed me a dozen of her finest yellow roses and hugged me with her whole heart. I was relieved to be in her good graces again and promised to visit soon, giving her my number and address.

“One day at a time, baby. You will love again, Laura, I promise, just never as deep.”

I spent my drive back to Dallas in silence. The more I hurt, the angrier I got. Who the hell did he think he was? Why in the hell had me made sure I had fallen in love with him? Did he get off on this? Was this his hobby? The longer I thought about Seth and his gentle persuasive way with me, the more contempt I felt, and the harder it became to not hate him. By the time I pulled up to my apartment the mad bitch was back and someone was about to have hell to pay.

I started my shift feeling liberated in my new found anger for Seth and the fact that as long as I was mad, it was easier. I still looked around for a sign of him in vain. He wasn’t coming to see me. He was probably busy making love to Rebecca. I choked back a sob, only to be filled with anger again. I was wrapping up my shift when I saw Paul, David, and Allen walk in. Paul’s eyes instantly found mine. I dismissed him and started to wipe down the bar. I felt the tears coming and quickly scanned the room again. Paul was now watching me on the other side of the counter.

“He hurt you.”

I quickly wiped my eyes and glared at Paul. The look on his face made me hesitate slightly before spewing my venom. “What the fuck are you guys doing here?”

“I came to check on you. I saw him with Rebecca today and I knew he had done it.”

“Done what?”

“Laura…”

“What? I don’t know you, and you have no business coming here to check up on me.”

“I care more than you think I do.”

“I have never given you a reason to.”

“You didn’t have to. God, you are so beautiful. He is such an idiot.”

“Apparently, I’m not enough.”

“I saw him with you. He loves you.”

“Really, then why isn’t he here?” My voice cracked. I silently begged God to give me strength to keep from breaking and my prayers were immediately answered.

“Like I said, he’s an idiot.”

“What is so special about her?”

“I can tell you first hand, nothing.” What the hell was he doing here?

“I’ve seen you work your magic on other girls, Paul. I’m not buying into your bullshit. Just leave and take them,” I pointed to David and Allen, “with you. I won’t play games or pretend it doesn’t bother me, if you drop the concerned friend act and just leave.”

“Look, baby—”

“Don’t ever call me that again.”

“Sorry, jeez. I was just trying to be nice.”

“Please,” I said my voice shaking, “I didn’t ask for a friend. I just want to be left alone.”