Rough Rider (22 page)

“Do you know for sure he's yours?” Wade asked. “You and I both know that Mama's got a powerful yen for grandkids.”

“That may be, but she ain't delusional, Wade. You seen the picture?” He made to refill the glass but then changed his mind and swigged straight from the bottle.

“Yeah, I saw it.”

“I have half a mind to demand a DNA test.”

“You need to think carefully about that, bro,” Wade warned. “I can understand your desire to know for certain, but think what it could do to the kid. Do you
really
want to go there? Besides, Janice has every right to refuse.”

“What the hell am I supposed to do then?”

“I don't know, but seems there's a helluva lot of unanswered questions—questions only she can answer. There's probably nothing worse than living with the knowledge that you made bad decisions over misunderstandings—I speak from experience. You accused me of jumping to conclusions about you and Rachel. I made that mistake and have lived to regret it. Deeply. Maybe you're doing the same thing to Janice.”

“I can't talk to her, Wade. It'll get real ugly real fast if I even try.”

“I know the photo's pretty damning, but it's not enough to try and sentence her without even giving her a chance to explain. Don't you think she deserves to speak her piece?”

“Yeah, like all the chances you gave me and Rachel?” Dirk scoffed.

Wade groaned. “I was an asshole, all right? Rachel might be alive today if only I'd listened instead of making accusations.”

Dirk set the bottle down and sharply eyed his brother. “What are you saying?”

“That I know you and she
didn't
betray me. Deep down I've always known it. I wanted to believe it to assuage my own guilty conscience. I was wrong. I'm sorry.”

“Took you damn long enough to see it,” Dirk grunted.

“Look, I can't change what's happened between us in the past, but I want to help you through all this shit. Don't make the kind of mistakes I made.”

“What's the point?” Dirk demanded. “Whether she lied or not, I don't see how we can ever get past this. How could I ever trust her?

“There you go again. At least hear her side of the story before you pass judgment.”

“Will you take off the fucking lawyer hat already?” Dirk snapped.

“I'm not speaking as a lawyer, Dirk. I'm trying to be a brother, just like you were for me when I nearly drank myself into a coma. By the way, you don't need this any more than I did.” Wade snatched the bottle from Dirk's hands. He held it at a distance, shaking his head with a wistful look. Dirk could see the desire for a drink in his brother's eyes and grudgingly admired Wade's self-restraint. He'd never expected Wade would give up booze completely, especially given how long and hard he'd hit the bottle after Rachel's accident.

“I can't even tell you how much I'd like to join you in that bottle,” Wade said, “but I'm done with self-destruction.” He shoved it across the table and out of reach.

“I'm guessing things ain't so peachy with Peaches?” Dirk remarked.

“Her name's
Nikki
, dammit! And, yeah. I fucked it all up royally by issuing ultimatums when I should have given her some time and space. I was a dickhead. Nikki is the best thing that's happened to me in nearly four years, and from what I've heard, you could say pretty much the same about Janice.”

“Then you don't know shit,” Dirk retorted. “There's no fucking comparison!”

“Then you better get your damn head straight and think real hard about what's really on the line here. You've spent the past four years busting your ass…for what? I was there once too. Didn't care about anything but proving myself to the world. I thought I was making a better future for my family but what did that really get me? I lost it all, Dirk. Wife and baby. Now you're doing the same thing. So I gotta ask, what are you killing yourself for?”

“For the ranch, dammit! You might not give a shit about the place, but I still do.”

Wade raised a hand with a black look. “Wait just a damn minute. It's time we got this straight between us. It
isn't
that I don't care. I just don't see
how
any private ranch is gonna survive into the future, let alone thrive, when we've got fat-ass government bureaucrats legislating the life out of farmers and ranchers across the country.”

“Then why don't you put your money where your big fat mouth is and
do
something about that?” Dirk challenged. “You've got the friggin' law degree. Why not put it to work for some real good?”

Wade sat back. “As it turns out, I've been thinking about just that. A lot of thinking actually.”

“That so?”

“Yeah,” Wade said. “I might take a job up at the capital. I'm thinking I might try to work my way into the state legislature.”

“Then that's all the more reason for me to keep on at the ranch,” Dirk said. “I've got a plan to get us back in the black. It's on the brink of coming together. I only need more time.”

“I still have my doubts, but let's just say it does happen as you planned. What then? You really think you're gonna be satisfied with your thankless ranching life? The cattle ain't gonna keep you warm at night.”

“Look, I already had it all figured out—before she walked in and wreaked havoc with my life.”

“That so?” Wade cocked a brow. “So now you're just gonna let her walk back out again? You're deluding yourself if you think everything is just gonna settle back the way it was before. You need her and you know it.”

“Screw that. And screw you too.”

“You saying you don't care about her?”

“Fuck off, Wade!”

Wade smirked. “I'll take that as an affirmative.”

“All right. If you have to stick your goddamn nose into my business. Yeah. I do care about Janice. I always have, and that already scared the ever-lovin' shit out of me even
before
all this!”

“If you were wanting to take her on with a kid before this happened, what's the real problem here? You should count it a damned blessing if the boy is really yours. Seems to me you've all the more reason to work this out.”

“Now you're making me feel like a self-centered asshole.”

“If the boot fits…” Wade slouched back and cocked his hat with a grin. “You might actually be the biggest asshole I know, but you're still my brother and I care about you. What's more, whether you deserve her or not, Janice seems to care too.”

Wade was right. He'd been an asshole. But now he realized he had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Janice's heart leaped into her throat at the sight of Dirk shadowing the doorway, but she refused to let him see how much she hurt. “How'd you get in here?” She opened a drawer and emptied the contents onto the bed beside the suitcase.

“Your mother let me in,” Dirk said. “What are you doing?” He had to navigate around the boxes and Bubble Wrap that littered the bedroom floor to get to her.

“What does it look like?” She glanced up at him. “I'm packing.” She slammed the drawer shut, barely missing her own fingers.

“We need to talk.”

“
Now
you want to talk? What about two days ago?” She snatched up a pillow and hit him with it. It wasn't nearly enough, so she followed with an attempted punch to his gut, but he grabbed her wrist before she could land it.

“Maybe I was a dickhead two days ago.”

“Yeah, you were.” She laughed bitterly. “But maybe that hasn't changed. Now is not a convenient time, Dirk.”

“What I came for can't wait any longer.” He stepped beside her and shut the suitcase, forcing her to acknowledge his questions. “Is he really mine? Is Cody my son?”

Janice drew a deep breath against a sudden wave of nausea. In truth, the revelation had come as much of a shock to her as it had to him. “You've got to know I never would have dropped a bomb like that on you. Not in a million years.” She averted her gaze and reached for another box. He laid his hand over hers.

“Answer the question, Red.”

Her gaze flickered upward, from the hand that covered hers and then back to his face. His expression was grim, his gaze searching. Janice sank her teeth into her bottom lip. “I don't know for certain, but I think maybe—”

“How can you not
know
?” Dirk cried.

“Because it was only that one time between you and me. And even then, we used protection. After that, I was only with Grady and we didn't use anything, least not after he said he wanted to marry me.”

“You never questioned? Never wondered?”

“Did
you
?” she threw back at him. “You saw Cody when he was about five. Did it ever occur to
you
that he could be yours?”

“No. Why would I?”

She cocked her head. “So you think I have ESP or something?”

“Shit I don't know. Aren't women supposed to just sense these things?”

She shook her head on a sigh. “Maybe a tiny part of me always wondered if he could be yours, but I pushed it down, not wanting to think about it too hard. Life with Grady was complicated enough. It wasn't until your mother said something that I even noticed the resemblance between you and Cody. I'd never seen it before, but then the photo hit me like a bolt from the blue. Other than my coloring, he does look just like you. But this doesn't make any difference, Dirk.”

“The hell it doesn't! You're not going anywhere with my son.”

“He's
my
son,” she replied in steely tones. “There's no
proof
of anything beyond that.”

“Damn it all. That was not what I came here to say.” Dirk snatched off his hat and threw it down with a curse. “This is not how this was supposed to go down. Shit! I'm only here five minutes and I've already fucked the whole thing up.” He grasped her chin and tilted it upward until she was looking straight into his eyes. “Janice, please listen to me. You asked me a while back why I left you in Cheyenne. Why I joined the marines? I need to tell you the whole truth of it.”

She turned slowly, hands on hips. “I'm listening,” she replied, feeling wary but keeping her tone and expression neutral.

“I knew ten years ago that you were the one for me. But by the time I finally decided to tell you that it was done between Rachel and me, when I finally pulled my head out of my ass, it was too late. I'd waited too damned long.”

“What did you expect from me?” Janice cried. “You took my virginity and then barely spoke to me for weeks—”

“
Took?
Seems to me it was an even exchange, sweetheart.”

“Maybe that's true, but how could I know you gave a damn about me by the way you acted?”

“I told you it was a big mistake. I never should have let you walk out of the Outlaw that night. I should have gone after you then. I should have made you listen. I should have protected you from Grady.”

She was hanging on every word she'd waited ten long years to hear. She could barely swallow, let alone speak. “If you cared at all,” she whispered, “why didn't you speak up before?”

He grasped her by the shoulders in an almost painful grip. “You listening good?”

Janice nodded.

“Because I was having trouble dealing with it. Because I was a chickenshit. A coward. Plain and simple. I knew that if we got together, I'd never leave Montana—I'd never leave you—and that scared the hell out of me. I just didn't feel ready. By the time I worked through it you were with Grady.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I've screwed up so many times in my life that I've long lost count. I don't want this to be another one. I'm not gonna lie. I still don't feel ready, but I guess I never will be until I just cowboy up and deal with it. I want us to work this out.”

“You think that's what Cody and I want? For you to
deal
with
us
? No thank you!” She spun away, fighting the tightness in her chest and the tears burning behind her eyes.

“Goddamnit. You're twisting my meaning. That's
not
what I meant.”

“Then what
do
you mean? I'm trying real hard to understand—”

* * *

He was nearly boiling over with frustration. He'd come to apologize to her, to try and make things right, but he just seemed to mangle his words at every turn.

“Fuck it! This is what I meant.” He yanked her into his arms, closing his mouth over hers, kissing her, on and on, long and fierce, refusing to let her go, refusing even to let her breathe. Dirk poured himself into the kiss that he hoped would overcome his ineptitude, the kiss that he hoped spoke for his heart. He released her slowly, knowing he'd laid it all on the table. There was nothing more he could say or do.

She stared back at him in silence and slowly shook her head.

It was done. Another royal fuckup. The lump in Dirk's throat choked out any other remark he might have made. He picked up his hat and turned to leave.

She cocked a brow. “Where are you going?”

Dirk shrugged. “I've got nothing more to say.”

Her gaze met his. She licked her kiss-swollen lips. “Wait a minute, cowboy. I'm not really sure I understood all that.” She slid her hands up his chest, linking her fingers around his neck. His pulse sped up with rising hope. She drew his head down to hers and kissed him until his head reeled. “Is this what you meant?”

“Yeah, Red.” He grinned when she drew back. “I think that's about the gist of it.”

He sat on the bed and hauled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her, holding her tight. “So, are you saying you'll give us some time to figure this out?”

“Said I would before, didn't I?” she replied stubbornly. “I'm not one to change my mind when I want something.”

“You sure you still want me?” he asked.

“Yeah, I am. I'm kinda obstinate that way. You think we can make this work?”

He dipped his forehead to touch hers. “I dunno, Red, but I sure wanna try.”

“I need you too, Dirk, and Cody needs a good man in his life.”

“And you think that's me?” He shook his head with a scoffing sound.

“Yeah. I know it is.”

“I don't want to let either of you down.”

“You won't,” Janice reassured. “What are we going to tell Cody?”

“I think there's no reason to say anything right now. I want to get to know the boy. I want us to be a real family, Red, but I want to build a genuine relationship with him first. I don't want to force myself on him. If he accepts me in his own time and on his own terms, there won't be any cause for resentment later. Can you understand that?”

“Yes, I do. Are you saying you don't want a DNA test?”

Dirk considered the question. “No. Maybe one day, if Cody wants it, but it doesn't matter to me anymore.”

Janice's eyes misted. “You really mean that?”

“Said it, didn't I?”

Dirk shoved the suitcase to the floor, wanting nothing more than to lay her down on the bed and kiss her senseless. He pushed the remaining clothing aside, grimacing at the pile of white cotton granny panties and cross-your-heart bras. He held up a pair with a scowl.

“Please tell me these aren't yours.”

“No.” Janice laughed. “They're Mama's. I'm packing her things for her. She's decided to move up to her cousin's place in Helena.”

“So you
weren't
packing to go back to Vegas?”

“No,” she said. “Told you I'm stubborn. I was hoping if I stuck around long enough, you'd eventually see the light.”

“I've seen it all right, sweetheart. The whole damn sun is blazing in this room right now.”