Rough Rider (18 page)

“All the reports said his death was a bull-riding accident,” Dirk said.

“It was,” Janice replied, “but the accident probably wouldn't have happened if he wasn't high. Meth would have killed him anyway—even if the bull hadn't. No one else knows about all this, Dirk. There was an inquiry by the bull-riding association, but the idea of a drug-related scandal scared the shit out of them, so I was able to keep it all quiet. I thank God for Cody's sake. My greatest fear was that he'd grow up under that shadow—that stigma.

“By then I felt so beaten down. Cody was pretty much my reason for being…and the hope of making a better life for him is the only thing that's kept me together. Now I'm just trying to put it all behind us.”

He was quiet for a long time. “I knew things weren't right when I came out to Vegas for the World Championships, but I thought it was just the whoring. Why the hell didn't you tell me the rest?”

“Part of me wanted to, but when did I ever have a chance? You left without a word.”

Another heavy silence weighted the air.

“Why did you leave like that, Dirk? What happened between you and Grady?”

“You did.”

“Me?” she exclaimed. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“I didn't like what I saw in Vegas, so I kept a promise.”

“You aren't making any sense. What do you mean?”

He gave a resigned sigh. “I told Grady the night I left Cheyenne that he'd answer to me if he ever mistreated you, so I beat the shit out of him, just like I swore I would. I left thinking I'd set him back on the straight and narrow… Apparently I was wrong.”

“
You
broke his jaw? He said he was assaulted by a drunk in a bar.”

“It was in the parking lot outside the bar and neither of us was drunk…well, not completely drunk.”

Janice gazed at him incredulous. “I don't understand you at all. If you cared anything about me, why did you leave in the first place?”

* * *

He swallowed hard. “I had my reasons. Look, Red, it's one thing to talk about what really happened but what-ifs are a waste of gray matter. It's all water under the bridge now. There's no point in rehashing it.”

Her gaze searched his. “So where does this leave us now?”

“Us?” he repeated with a humorless laugh. “There can't be any ‘us.' I'm afraid that train's done left the station.”

“What was this morning?”

“This morning was great. It was fucking incredible,” he added with emphasis. “But it doesn't change anything. Great sex doesn't mean happily ever after, Red.”

“Is that all this was about to you? Great sex?”

He shrugged. “What did you expect? I told you how it is. If that's not enough for you, you want more than I can give you.”

Her eyes blazed. “Why you selfish bastard! You
could
if you wanted to. You just
won't
!”

“Look at me! I told you already, I'm a fucking mess and my life is turning to shit. I can never
be
what you need.”

“What I need? What makes you the authority on what I need? Did you ever think that maybe I might be what
you
need?”

His defensive walls came up. “I don't want or
need
your fucking pity!” He knew his reply stung her, but he was scared shitless and was just doing what he'd done before—pushing her away. This time, however, she pushed him right back. Literally.

“Just. Stop.” Eyes blazing, she poked him in the chest. Hard. “You know that's not what I meant! I'm not gonna let you do it again. You can't have it both ways. We need to resolve this—one way or another. I can't work for you like this. Either you want me or you don't.” She stared him down, hands on hips.

“Please, Red.” He raked his hair. “You already know I want you. That's not the issue—”

“Then what
is
your damned issue? You're gonna have to make up your mind, Dirk, because I'm not playing games. I'm not gonna wait around until you decide you're ready, because I'm ten years
past
ready.”

“I've already told you. I
can't
do a relationship.”

“And I can't
do
meaningless sex. If you want me you get the whole package. Nothing less. We've both messed up our lives, but it's not too late, don't you see that?”

“I don't see it that way. This whole thing was a big mistake, one that can't happen again. Continuing would be nothing but senseless torture—for both of us.” It was pointless. The last thing he wanted was for her to walk out on him, but what she was asking…demanding…was just too friggin' hard. She deserved far more than animal copulation, but that's all he had to offer. Anything more was impossible.

“Last chance, Dirk. If I walk outta here, I'm not coming back.” She looked to the door.

“You have to know I don't want that,” he answered softly. For four years, he'd wrestled with bitterness and self-pity, isolating himself even from his immediate family. Now Janice had entered his life and offered him his heart's desire—the chance to reclaim some of the normalcy he'd lost. But the thought that he'd only fuck it up all over again scared the shit out of him.

“Do I? Frankly, I have no clue what you want,” she answered. “Maybe you can tell me?”

“What I want?” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Right now it might as well be the fucking moon.”

* * *

Janice left the bunkhouse palming her burning eyes and feeling completely drained. She'd been riding an emotional roller coaster almost from the moment she'd laid eyes on Dirk, and she had a sinking feeling the ride was far from over. Was he worth it?

He'd certainly shaken her faith, but deep down she still believed he was. She'd pushed him really hard, but he needed for someone to do exactly that. His walls were so thick, it would take nothing short of a battering ram to knock them down. One step at a time, she reminded herself.

Lost in her thoughts, she was beside her truck with keys in hand before she remembered her promise to Dirk's father to drop by before leaving. Although emotionally and physically spent, she'd never be able to look Justin or Donna Knowlton in the face if she reneged.

“Janice Combes!” Donna Knowlton wore a look of pleased surprise when she answered Janice's knock. “You sure don't look anything like the gangly little redheaded tomboy anymore. I don't think I would even have recognized you if Justin hadn't told me you were coming by.” She stepped back to invite Janice inside. “Come on in, sugar.”

Janice wiped her boots and stepped inside. Her gaze surveyed the huge living room with its massive stone fireplace and floor-to-ceiling windows offering a breathtaking view of the Tobacco Root Mountains. She'd always loved the Knowlton place. It was exactly the kind of rustic but elegant home she'd always fantasized about.

“Would you like some coffee?” Donna asked.

“No thank you, ma'am. I really can't stay long. I was hoping to be back by the time Cody gets home from school.”

“Cody's your son?”

“Yes, ma'am. He's nine now and keeps me pretty busy.”

“Don't I know it.” Donna laughed. “Dirk and Wade gave me most of these gray hairs before I even turned thirty!”

“You wear it well, Mrs. Knowlton.” Janice always thought Donna Knowlton's silver hair was particularly attractive and set off her vivid blue eyes.

“Thank you, sugar,” Donna replied with just a hint of Texas twang. “But please call me Donna. ‘Mrs. Knowlton' makes me feel so
old
. Come and sit a short spell. It's not often I get a chance for any girl talk.”

Janice perched uneasily on the edge of an overstuffed leather couch.

“How's your mama?” Donna asked. “I haven't seen her in a good while.”

“I'm afraid she's developed a few health issues the last couple of years. She's not able to get out much. That's part of the reason I came home. She helps look after Cody, and I help look after her.”

“And who looks after
you
?” Donna asked softly.

Janice looked away, discomposed by the question. “Well, I guess I do, ma'am.”

“You're a young and attractive woman, Janice. You should have someone to take care of you. Justin told me you came looking for work. I was surprised by Dirk's offer, but I couldn't be happier. If any man ever needed a good woman…”

The heat of a flush invaded Janice's face. “I'm sorry, Mrs. Knowlton, but it's really not like that. I'm just here for a job—”

“Sugar, I sure hope not,” Donna protested. “Dirk's too much like his daddy. Neither wears his heart on his sleeve, but I know my son well enough to see he has feelings for you.”

“What makes you say that?” Janice asked.

“For starters, he's spent more time here at the house in the past week than he has in the past three years. It began the day after you were out here.”

A moment later her gaze flickered past Janice's shoulder. “Well, speak of the devil and he always appears.” Donna beamed a bright smile when Justin Knowlton entered. Dirk followed.

Justin tipped his hat to Janice. “Good to see you came by, young lady.”

“Mama.” Dirk doffed his own hat to kiss his mother's cheek. He then nodded to Janice. “I'm glad I caught you before you left.”

Donna gave her a knowing look.

“Your mother and I have just been catchin' up a bit,” Janice blurted, uneasy at Dirk's entrance. “I've enjoyed the chat, Mrs.…I mean Donna…but I've really got to go now.” She took to her feet.

“So soon?” Donna cried in dismay. “Please tell me you'll come back for Sunday dinner. I'll be making brisket. Bring your mama and your son with you.”

Janice looked to Dirk with uncertainty. The last thing she wanted to do was impose on his family when he'd made it clear he needed some time.

“Come out at noon.” Dirk spoke up before she could decline. “That'll give Cody and Red Man a couple hours to get acquainted.”

“Are you sure about that?” she asked. “You don't have to do this, you know.”

“I know that,” he said. “I want to.”

“All right then.” Janice smiled and addressed his parents. “I'll look forward to seeing you both again on Sunday.”

“C'mon, Red, I'll walk you out.” Dirk pressed a hand to the small of her back. “There's a couple things I shoulda told you earlier.” His tone was bland and matter-of-fact, but his expression was anything but. He didn't speak again until they stood beside her truck. A minute of strained silence ticked by.

Janice reached for the door.

“Wait,” he said, his hand coming over hers. “There's something more I gotta say. I was afraid I might not get another chance.”

She turned to face him, leaning back against the door, arms crossed over her chest. “Whatever it is had better be damned good.”

“What you asked me in the bunkhouse…I want my old life back. But I know I can't have it. I know there's no going back.”

“No,” she whispered. “There's no going back. Too many things have changed.
We've
changed.”

He rubbed the back of his neck and exhaled. “I don't know how to go about this. I don't know what you want from me, or
how
to give it to you. I'm fucking clueless, Red, don't you see? You have no idea what you'd be getting into.” He was trying to warn her off again but at the same time a flicker of hope seemed to light in his eyes.

“Maybe I know better than you think,” she challenged. She knew that if they got further involved, their entire relationship would have to be rebuilt on a completely different foundation from what they'd had before. But she was prepared for that.

“This has happened so damned fast. You gotta give me a little time to learn the game. I don't even know the rules.”

“I don't know all the rules either.”

He reached out for her hand and pulled her in close. “I don't want you to go. Do you think we can maybe just try playing this thing by ear?” He looked so uncertain, so vulnerable.

She instantly relaxed against him. “Yeah,” she replied. “I think we could maybe try that.”

He brushed his lips brusquely over hers. “You deserve a lot better than me, Red. I can't promise you I'll be worth it, but I'll damn sure try.”

It was almost an hour before sunrise when Janice drove into the Flying K. She hopped out of her truck, tightening her collar against the frigid morning air. Dirk was already outside waiting with two saddled horses. Her heart sped up when he greeted her with a nod and a half smile.

“Morning, Red. I'm glad to see you,” he said softly. “I can't even tell you how glad.”

“I guess I'm a true sucker for punishment,” she replied. “You goin' after the missing stock now?”

He nodded. “I shoulda gone yesterday, but I got a bit sidetracked.” His gaze met hers, a heated reminder of how they'd spent the earlier part of the day.

“So I guess you're not making pancakes first?” she taunted with a slow, crooked smile.

“Hell, no. It'll be coffee in a travel mug and a wad of beef jerky in the saddlebags. Don't know if I'll ever be able to make pancakes again. I'm already afraid of getting a hard-on if I even look at a bottle of syrup.”

“Need any help?” She nodded to the horses.

“Nope, got it covered.”

“Can I ride with you? It might not be easy if you end up having to carry down an orphaned calf or something like that.”

“Already thought of that. The bay here's yours. Are you dressed warm enough to ride?”

“Yeah. I'm good.” She eyed the twelve-gauge shotgun holstered with the saddle. “Grizzlies?”

“Not expecting any, but it pays to be prepared for them.” He tossed her a twenty-two-caliber carbine. “Know how to use it?”

“Of course,” Janice replied. “But what for? You already have the shotgun.”

“Seems we got ourselves a wolf problem on the mountain,” Dirk replied. “Wade and I encountered a pack last time I went up there.” He added grimly, “I'm hoping we locate live cattle, but I'm taking some rope and tarp just in case we find more carcasses instead.” He patted the pack behind his cantle.

“If the wolves got them, won't the Livestock Loss Board cover it?” she asked.

“Yes and no,” Dirk replied. “There's a bunch of hoops to jump through in order to file a claim and then they're only going to compensate for average value when I've got three times that invested in each head. That's not even taking into account the years and expense of breeding them. They're damn sure worth more to me alive.”

“Then I hope we find them,” Janice said.

“The weather report predicted a light dusting last night in the higher elevations. If so, it'll make tracking a whole lot easier. Course Toby and Tallulah are coming along. Best cattle dogs you'll ever find.”

The two lolling canines rose smartly to attention at the mention of their names. She reached out her hand to let them sniff. Toby nudged it. Janice scratched his head. “Toby and Tallulah?” She eyed the mottled pair curiously. “They don't look like any herd dog I've seen before. What breed are they?”

“Catahoula Leopard dogs,” Dirk replied. “Not just herd dogs, but bred to track and hunt too. If there's still any live cattle up there, they'll find 'em and flush 'em out.”

It was still dark when they guzzled down some coffee and set out. Janice rode behind, her gaze locked in admiration on Dirk's back. Sitting tall and straight, he still cut a helluva figure in the saddle, whether he realized it or not. It seemed the more time she spent with him, the less she noticed his injuries. They'd come a long way in a short time. She only hoped she might one day help him to forget them too.

They rode a couple of miles with the two dogs trotting eagerly alongside, before hitting the main trail leading up to the mountain pastures. The sun was now cresting, painting colors across the eastern horizon.

Janice drew up her horse. “It's so beautiful. I can't tell you how much I missed the sunrises and sunsets when I was in Las Vegas.”

Dirk pulled up beside her. “We can take a short breather here if you like.”

“Thanks. I'd like that. Although many people wax poetic about the desert, it just seems so desolate compared to this.”

“I've seen some amazing skies in the open desert,” he said. “Endless with so many stars at night that it boggles the mind.” His voice drifted off.

Their horses stood side by side, panting vapor into the frosty air as Dirk and Janice watched in awe-filled appreciation as the sun rose, streaking its gold and pink hues across the big Montana sky.

“Do you think about it much?” she asked. “Your time over there?”

“I try not to,” he said. “But it invades my thoughts every single day, whether I like it or not.”

“Why did you join the marines?”

“Told you I don't want to talk about it.”

“I didn't want to talk about my past either.”

Dirk stiffened in the saddle. “You want me to unload all my shit on you? Is that what you want?”

His dark expression and gruff response told her she was pushing his comfort zone again, but she wasn't going to back off so easily. “Don't you think it's only fair when you made me unload mine?”

* * *

He said nothing for the longest time but the clouds of vapor came harder, faster as he fought the impulse to spur his horse and leave the questions behind. But he couldn't outrun the memories even if he tried. They were always with him. Part of him. Even now, it was still a daily struggle to keep thoughts of that time and place at bay.

“I'd been floundering for months,” he began. “Didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I was so restless, like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. But watching the life drain out of Seth Lawson flipped some kind of switch. I had to get away. Clear my head, so I got in my truck and drove. Didn't even know where I was going, just had a powerful yen to see the ocean. I headed west on I-80 and didn't stop until I hit San Francisco. I remember parking the truck at Ocean Beach, pulling off my boots, and wading out into the surf. Jeans and all. Jesus, it was cold! I hadn't expected that.

“I stayed a couple of days and then headed south down the Pacific Coast Highway and ended up in San Diego. An old rodeo buddy of mine was stationed there at Camp Pendleton. I called him up and then suddenly it was perfectly clear. I enlisted the next day in the U.S. Marine Corps.
Oorah
.
Semper fi
.

“At first I was zealous for the war, certain we were right. That the cause was just. Yeah, that's exactly what I told myself. We took down the Evil Empire and cleaned up the whole fucking mess in Iraq. Mission accomplished. Or so we thought.” He shook his head with a bitter laugh.

“When I re-upped, I thought it was the same war, just a different mission. But it wasn't the same war. We were stalking that murdering sonofabitch Bin Laden in a place where you couldn't ever know who was the enemy. The day I lost my leg was just a normal day patrolling a quiet mountain village. We were walking among men, even women and children, who nodded, smiled, and salaamed even as they were planting IEDs to blow us to kingdom come.

“We didn't see it coming. Maybe we should have. It had been too quiet for too long. Without warning, all hell broke loose. Explosions everywhere. Men screaming. Bodies disintegrating before our eyes. Do you have any clue what an IED can do? Helmets and body armor are useless. They don't kill. IEDs vaporize. I had to have pieces of my best buddy surgically plucked outta me. That's the fucking devastation of an IED.”

Janice whispered, “I can't even begin to imagine it.”

“No. You. Can't,” he replied through clenched teeth. “No one can who hasn't seen it.” He shut his eyes finding it hard to breathe. He never allowed himself to think about it because it always sucked him down into the dark place—a hell filled with smoke and fire, sweat, and blood, excrement…and death.

The old feeling of panic started closing in, the terror that still jarred him awake in a cold sweat. Janice's soft voice pulled him back. “But you
lived
, Dirk. At least you got to come home.”

“Yeah. I lived. Small consolation when I lost six men and then had to deal with a fucking court martial to defend our actions.”

“Dear God. I didn't know. What happened?”

“Acquitted and came home. End. Of. Story.”

“But—”

“I've told you about as much as I can stomach. I don't want to talk about this shit anymore…or ever again for that matter. Ready?”

* * *

Dirk didn't wait for her reply but urged his horse forward and up the steep and rocky incline. They rode another hour in a tense silence before discovering the first tracks in the snow. On examination, they proved to be equine rather than bovine.

“Horses?” Janice asked. “Who would have ridden horses up here?”

“They weren't riding. These tracks are from a band of renegade mustangs that Wade and I saw.”

“Mustangs? Where the heck did they come from? I thought the only herd left in all of Montana was over in the Pryor Mountains.”

“Not anymore,” Dirk said. “'Bout twenty miles north there's an outfit that took on a bunch of them from the BLM.”

“Really? I hadn't heard anything about it. Which outfit was that?”

“The Circle S, old man Sutton's place,” Dirk replied. “It seems his widow has pulled out of cattle and now plans to turn the whole spread into a wild horse sanctuary or some shit like that. Of course she doesn't know what the hell she's getting into, but the BLM don't care. They're just desperate to get as many horses off their hands as possible.”

“Isn't that the truth.” Janice shook her head. “There's a real problem in Nevada right now with the ongoing drought. It was on the news all the time. There's over twenty thousand wild horses living in that desert and not enough water to sustain them. They were planning some emergency roundups when I left. Hopefully some of those horses will find homes.”

“Lottsa luck there,” he scoffed. “What kinda fool's gonna mess with a Mustang when even dead-broke ranch horses are a dime a dozen?”

“So what's the Suttons' plan?” Janice asked.

“Dunno and ain't too keen to find out, but I s'pose I'll have to go by there soon enough. I need them to move those horses outta here before calving season. I'm not about to lose any more stock because a herd of Mustangs ran the calves to death.”

“But, Dirk, how the heck are they going to catch them?”

Dirk shrugged. “That's their problem. There's a lot of good cowboys looking for work. They'll figure something out.”

Toby froze, ears perked and nose raised. Tallulah began sniffing the ground.

Dirk pulled up his horse. “Got something, boy?”

Toby gave a single bark and bounded off to the right through a large patch of sagebrush with Tallulah hot on his heels.

“They found a scent all right. If it's the cattle, they'll herd and hold 'em for us.” Dirk spurred his horse with Janice following. A moment later, he reined up again to listen, head cocked to the side. “Sounds like a bawling calf to me.”

Janice listened intently, trying to isolate other sounds from that of the two panting horses but heard nothing until the dogs sounded a cry.

“Yup. They got 'em, all right. Thank you, Jesus!” Dirk declared with a smile and spun his horse around in the direction of the baying dogs.

Three hours later, Janice dismounted to open the wire gate, the dogs standing sentinel as Dirk drove the two cows and solitary calf into the pasture.

He sighed and dismounted from his horse. “Recovered three. Not a total loss, I s'pose. I just hope the damned wolves stay on the mountain. For now, I guess the dogs'll have to put in some overtime babysitting the herd. Least until I find some safe winter grazing.”

“What about installing fladry lines?” Janice asked. “I've heard they help keep wolves away.”

“It's cost prohibitive and it's only a short-term solution,” Dirk said. “The wolves eventually get used to them flapping and then pay no more heed. I'm not too worried about it right now though. Don't anticipate any real trouble until next spring when I move the herd back up the mountain. I may have to bite the bullet at that point and hire someone to babysit.”

“Got anyone in mind?” she asked.

He shook his head. “No, but I've got enough on my plate right now without fretting about that. Speaking of plates… I'm just about starved.”

“Me too,” Janice confessed. “I'm not a big fan of jerky.”

He shook his head. “I warned you ahead of time what was on the menu.”

“You did, but I also recall you promising to grill me the best T-bone I ever ate if you got your strays back.”

“I did at that,” he said. “You free tonight?”

“Tonight?” She hadn't really expected him to take her taunt seriously. “I could be,” she replied. “But I'd want to run home and check on Cody and Mama first and of course take a shower and change.”

“Tell you what, Red. I'm so damned happy, I feel like celebrating. Since you plan on getting all cleaned up anyway, how 'bout I take you out instead of cooking? I got a place in mind if you don't object to a bit of a drive. Might not be
quite
as good as my home-grilled T-bone, but it's pretty damned close.”

“Oh yeah?” Janice smiled. “It sounds great, but if I'm gonna be out for very long, I'd need to get Cody settled for the night.” She looked at her watch. It was almost four o'clock. “It could be two or three hours before I could be ready.”

“Then I'll make us a late reservation.”

“It would have to be after seven.” She tried to keep the disappointment out of her voice. “You probably don't want to wait that long for supper.”

“Don't be so sure about that, sweetheart,” he replied. “I'll pick you up at seven thirty. I may be a slow starter, but I'm learning that some things are worth waiting for.”

* * *

Arriving home twenty minutes later, Janice came in the back door and hung her hat and coat on the pegs. Her mother was already starting supper and Cody was at the kitchen table doing his homework.