Ruined by You (20 page)

My guts knotted up as I considered what I was going to say. It had been a whole lot easier to get psyched up when he wasn’t actually sitting in front of me. But, now that he was, I was a nervous wreck.

But being a nervous wreck was no excuse. I had to tell him. I needed, no I
wanted
, to share everything with him.

“I have some secrets,” I said, finally. “Some stuff I’ve never told anybody.”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“I told you before that my dad was no longer with us,” I began. “I may have been misleading.” His brow pinched, and I felt guilty about not being honest. “He’s not dead or anything,” I said. I swallowed hard, trying to work up the courage to finish. My chest was getting heavy as memories rippled to the surface. It had been a long time since I’d willingly gone back to them, since I’d let myself think about all of the awful things. “He ran out on us a few years ago,” I said. “I was thirteen, and he just packed his things up, and left.” My eyes blurred as the tears started to form. “There was another woman,” I continued. “We didn’t even know about her.” I swallowed over a tiny lump that was growing fast. “There was another family,” I said. “And we didn’t know about them, either.”

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. Haden squeezed my hand, but didn’t say anything. He was calm, patient. So patient.

An eternity passed before I was able to look at him. An eternity spent in my head, thinking about the last night, and the nights before it. Thinking about the
other
stuff that had happened. The stuff that I kept secret. The stuff only a few knew about.

Finally, our eyes connected. His soft eyes were so soft. Why couldn’t I fall into them and be safe? Safe from the pain, and safe from the hurting.

But I had to face my fears. I had to bare myself to him. The first person I’d ever bared myself to.

“The night he left us,” I said. “I overheard him talking to Mom. He told her he didn’t want anything to do with us. He told her he didn’t want to talk to us anymore, he didn’t want to see us, he didn’t want to hear about us.” I swallowed and the lump shot agony through my throat. A tear trickled down my cheek. Then another. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. “He told her it would be easier if we weren’t even alive. Because then we couldn’t make his life worse than we already had.”

My throat was on fire, and each word was a struggle. Tears were flooding down my face, and I didn’t try to stop them.

“But that’s not my biggest secret,” I said. I had to force each word out. It would have been so easy to stop and give in to the pain. “My biggest secret is something much worse. It’s something I’ve kept to myself all these years, because it means that I’m a truly awful person.” I looked at Haden, and read the pain in his eyes.

“The night he left,” I began. “When I heard the door slam, when I heard his boots thumping down the stairs outside, when I knew he was
really
gone…” I closed my eyes, and blew out a breath, steadying myself. “When I knew he was gone… I was…
happy
.”

I closed my eyes and felt myself falling back into that moment. I shook my head and forced a deep breath. A new emotion slid into my stomach, then. It started slow and subtle, but it grew quickly. It gave me strength. It steeled me against the darkness that had threatened to take over. And, when I opened my eyes again, they were no longer wet.

“I was
happy
the nightmare was finally over,” I said, through closed teeth. “I was
happy
that I didn’t have keep hiding the bottles. I was
happy
that I didn’t have to see the marks he left on my mother when she made him angry.” My hands were balled into fists, my knuckles straining white. “But, most of all, I was
happy
that I didn’t have to see the way she looked at him. I didn’t have to see how unconditionally she loved him. And I didn’t have to see her hopes destroyed
every
time he stumbled through the doorway.”

I closed my eyes again, and pictured her loving face. So kind, and tender, and strong. Stronger than she ever knew. Stronger than I’d ever had to be.

* * * * *

I was silent for a long time. My shoulders slouched, but there were no more tears. Haden’s eyes focused on me. I knew other eyes were on me, too. But I didn’t care. Numbness settled on my chest, and I didn’t care what anyone thought. The poor little broken girl just didn’t care. Not anymore.

Haden watched me for a long time, motionless. He slid his hands around mine, slowly. His hands were warm. They felt safe.

Hours must have passed before either of us said anything. There was security in that silence, however tenuous it might be. If we spoke, it broke the spell. It meant there were no take-backs. It meant that everything was real.

It meant that we had to move forward.

But I couldn’t stop there. I had to keep going. I had to tell Haden everything. That’s what he deserved.

“That’s why I ran away from you,” I said. “You knocked down the fortress that I hid in. And, when it crumbled to pieces, I was overwhelmed. After living for so many years in my protective shell, I was exposed.” My head sagged, and my voice was hoarse. “You invaded me,” I said. “If I couldn’t protect myself from you, then I was as good as empty. If you could get in, that meant you could destroy me. That meant I could end up just like my mom. And, I promised myself that would never happen.”

My eyes lifted, meeting his. I saw pain in them. I tried to smile, came up short.

“I thought that, if I couldn’t protect myself from you, then I lost who I was. But, I was wrong. It took me a while to figure out what it really meant.”

I took another deep breath, steeling myself.

“I realized that my walls came down for you, because, with you in my life, I don’t need them anymore.”

Haden’s head lifted higher.

“I don’t need the walls anymore, because I know you’re not going to hurt me.”
 

His eyes were blazing.

“It’s like living your whole life seeing everything in gray, and then waking up one morning to every color of the rainbow bursting into you.” I took a deep breath, lifting myself. “I couldn’t handle it at first,” I said. “But, now I’m seeing every shade of you, and I’m not afraid. I want it all.”

Haden didn’t say anything for a long time. We just sat still, studying each other. Then, he slid away from the table and held his hand out to me.

I let him lead me away from there. And, I didn’t care where we were going. Nothing would ever slow me down, again.

The stars were high overhead, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I didn’t know where we were going, and I didn’t care.

Eventually, he pulled the car around into a tiny gravel lot near a park. There wasn’t another person in sight, and it had been at least ten minutes since we left the lights of Green Falls behind us.

“Where are we?” I asked, looking around.

Haden smiled. “A little place I found the other day,” he said. “I came out here after you left me at the river. I thought it was appropriate that I share it with you, now.”

I smiled back.

Haden led me to the far edge of the park. The stars and moon illuminated the sky, and in the distance I heard the river running. Wind rustled a light breeze through the trees.

“So you never really told me what the deal was with Kyle,” I said.

I felt the muscles in his arm tense.

“Remember how I told you about that girl in California?” he asked.

I nodded. “The
forever
kind of girl?” I said, giving him a wink.

He cracked a smile, and his cheeks blushed a little.

“You’re not allowed to hold that over me,” he said.

My eyes went wide with innocence. “Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it,” I said, grinning. “Just letting you know I remembered who she was.”

“Right,” He said, grinning. “Well, Kyle is the one she with.” I winced. “It was a little over a month ago. And, until he tracked me down, I hadn’t talked to him since I left LA.”

“I don’t understand,” I said. “How can you even stand to be around him after he did that to you?

“Truthfully? I can’t.”

I held my hand out, giving him an incredulous look. “Then why is he
here
?”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “It’s a
long
story,” he said.

“Trust me, I’m all ears,” I said.

Haden gave me a pained smile. “Soon,” he said, with a defined nod.

I let out a long sigh. I wanted to know what was going on in his head, but he wasn’t letting me in. I could tell that it meant a lot to him, so I wasn’t going to push. I was going to let him do things on his own terms. But, not knowing, hurt.

We walked right up to the edge of the river. There was a tiny little clearing with a few large rocks lined up. I was surprised by how worn and comfortable they were to sit on.

There was something more that Haden wasn’t telling me. But, if he wasn’t ready to talk about it, I wasn’t about to push him. He’d tell me when he was ready, and I was fine with that. He’d been patient with me, and I would extend him the same courtesy.

The light reflected off the river below, and washed over his face. I could see the hunger in his eyes. He studied me, intensely.

“I’m glad that you came out here with me,” he said.

I nodded my head. “I am too.”

“And, I’m glad that you shared everything with me - about your dad. I know it must have taken a lot for you to open up about that stuff.”

I bit my lip, and nodded.

He leaned in closer, and the heat of him crept over me. A tingling sensation went through my legs. There was a buzzing in my chest as every part of me ached to put my arms around him, to climb on top of him.

He leaned in closer. Impossibly close.

“I’m going to kiss you again,” he said. His breath washed over me. “Don’t freak out on me this time.”

My eyes darted between his eyes and his lips. They looked so soft.

“I won’t,” I whispered.

His head dipped toward me, and our lips connected for the second time. That tingling sensation rushed throughout me. It flooded every part of my body when he pulled me in close. His arms hooked around my waist and I wanted him to drag me on top of him, but he just pulled me in tight.

His lips were soft and tender, despite the fierceness coursing through him. His tongue traced an edge along my lips. I opened my mouth, and let him in. Our tongues danced together in a wet mess, and my heart pounded furiously with every vibration.

I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck. My fingers glided through his long hair. I couldn’t take much more. The heat of his body warmed me. It was so hot. The gentle breeze sent chills through me.

Then, his arms moved, tugging me closer. I didn’t fight it. I needed only the slightest of motivation, and I was on him. My legs straddled his waist, and I sunk into his lap. His excitement dug into me. It excited me, too, and I pressed my hips even harder into him. His tattooed arms squeezed me even closer to him, and his lips nipped at mine. He began kissing down the side of my mouth, around to my ear. His tongue was magical, tracing small circles in the tiny spot beneath my earlobe.

“Oh my God,” I breathed.

Haden kissed even lower, and my thoughts and inhibitions flooded out of me. His hands were on my waist, lifting me even higher--as though I were weightless. His tongue rand down the middle of my chest. Down to the spot between my breasts. Then, his hands released, and I felt myself sliding down into him, again.

Haden’s tongue remained out, sliding up along my sternum, while the rock in his pants glided up and between my legs. It pressed into me, and that was when I felt it. The wetness inside of me was growing. It had never been so intense.

Haden groaned as if he could feel it, too. My body ached for him, and I knew I was on the verge of losing control. But I couldn’t. Not like this. He needed to know that he was my first. I couldn’t keep that from him.

I dug my hips into him one last time, and then pushed myself away. My back arched and curved, and his strong hands supported me. We breathed deeply, together. The moon illuminated the dampness on his forehead.

“What is it?” he asked, his eyes searching me. “Are we going too fast?”

His eyes were hungry, but they were also concerned. The look was endearing, and I smiled at him.

“I have something to tell you,” I said. My body groaned, begging me to put an end to its waiting.
 

“You can tell me anything,” he said. “But, you already know that.”

I nodded slowly, and traced a finger through his hair. It was slick with the Texas heat.

“There’s just one more thing about me that I haven’t told you,” I began. I laughed, softly. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing.”

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Not with me,” he said.

“I’m a virgin,” I said, forcing the words out. “I’ve never found someone I felt comfortable enough to give myself to,” I said.

“Are you comfortable with me?” he asked.

I didn’t have to think about it for long.

“Yes,” I said. I lowered my lips to him again. The kiss was long, and deep. When we broke apart, I knew. “I think I want you to be my first,” I said.

He was silent for a while, and I searched his eyes for a clue to his thoughts.

“Did I ruin everything?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Not even close,” he said. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily. But we can’t do that here.” He glanced around and patted the rocks. “Not like this.”

I grinned at him while relief washed over me. My arms wrapped around his neck and I hugged him tight. His arms wrapped around me, too. I rested my head on his shoulder, just under his neck, and breathed him in.

“Where’ve you been all my life?” I whispered.

The water ran below us in the river, the wind rustled through the trees, and the grass swayed and whispered it song to us.

“Searching for you,” he said.

I closed my eyes and squeezed him tight. I never wanted to let go.

* * * * *

Haden drove me back to the Saloon to get my car. We made out for a little while in the parking lot before we both agreed that I had to get going, or things were going to become very awkward for whoever left the bar and saw us. He promised that we would talk again soon, and figure everything out.