Ruining Me (12 page)

The sun was just coming through my windows.  I was in a cami and boxers and
had some serious
bed head and whoever it was
at the door was
going to get me just like th
is
.  When I went down, I could see
JT
standing in front of the door looking away.  I thought about not answering it, but realize that if Kane came by this morning that
c
ould spell disaster. 
Turning
the
home
alarm off
,
I open
the door. 

“What the hell JT,”
I ask? 
He was dressed in his running cloth
e
s and looked like he hadn’t slept. 
He looked me up and down and I crossed my
arms
over my chest.  I was more covered than a bathing suit, but I should have put on
a
robe
.

“Can I come in so we can talk?”

“No, you can’t
JT.
  It
i
s 6:30 in the morning. 
Did
Cal
not tell you I need some time?
”

He stepped into the doorway in front of me
.  “I gave you plenty of time.  We are working this shit out today.  I can’t take
any more
of this, Jay.” 

“Look
JT
, please don’t do this
.  I’ve thought about it and we can’t go back.  You have to let me go.
”
 
I
plead and t
r
y t
o push him
back, but he grab
s
me and pushe
s
me backwards into my house. 
His grip
is
tight and
his face was harsh. 
“Fuck that Jay.  I am getting some damn answers.  I’m not that little boy you threw away two years ago.” 

My heart start
s
fluttering and the panic rose fast.  When he barely sh
a
k
es
my shoulders,
something in me snap
s
. 
I start trying to pull away
a
nd
yell
at him
,
“Let me go JT
.  L
et me go
NOW
!
”
 
I was shaking and tears
stream
down my face while I tr
y
t
o jerk
my hands
free
.

“Jesus Jay, calm down I just want to talk.”

My breath is caught in my chest and I try
to kick his shin.  He was blocking me and trying not to get
injured. 
JT
wrap
s
his arms around me locking my
hands
and pick
s
me up.  

“Please let me go
,” I sob as he
carrie
s
me
into the living room and
over to the couch
. 
He
laid
me down
a
nd tried to su
b
due my hands and legs
by using his body to pin me
down
.

“Quit kicking me and calm down, Jay.  This is ridiculous.” 

I couldn’t breathe, every breath was shallow and my vision started wavering.

“Jay, what the hell
? C
alm down.  Jay, JAY,” he was yelling at me.

I fe
e
l him being lifted off of me. 
From far away I hear
mewling
and didn’t even realize it was coming from me. 
The sounds of
muffled voices
drift to me
, but nothing was getting through
my head
and just like the last time the darkness consume
s
me.

“Wake up James. 
Come on Ja
y
, I need you to wake up for me.”

His voice
seems
miles away.  I fe
e
l him stroking his hands down
my face.  “Please
b
aby, I don’t know what to do.  Just wake up.”

My eyes flutter
open and my head
i
s in Kane’s lap.  His eyes were on mine.  “
Jay
,
you okay?  D
o I need to call the police?  Talk to me, please
.
”
 
His voice s
ounded more hoarse than normal
and his beautiful green eyes were dark with worry.

“I’m good,”
my voice was weak, “please
help me sit up.”

As I s
i
t up, I
notice that
JT
was sitting on the floor in the corner
staring at me
. 
He had several
scratches down one cheek and his face look
s
like he had got
ten
the
hell
beat out of him.  There was a gash on his forehead and his nose was swollen and bleeding
.  His eyes were red where it looked like he had been crying.

“I am so sorry Jay
.
”
H
e kept repeating in a whisper.   He continue
s
staring at me
as if
he
ha
s
never seen me before.

“Shut the fuck up,” Kane growled at JT. 

JT
closed both of his eyes tightly and tears streamed down his cheeks.  When he finally spoke his voice was shaky
.  “
Who hurt you Jay
?
  Just name the bastard and I’ll kill him.  This
whole time I just didn’t get it
.  I knew you would never cheat on me.  That answer always bothered me because I knew it wasn’t the truth.  FUCK,” he yelled in anguish as he stood up.  Kane pulled me closer in his arms
.

JT
started toward me and Kane
growled at him,
“That’s close enough.” 

He
stopped and
tears continued to fall
down his face.  I hadn’t realized that tears were
also
streaming down
mine
, until
I felt Kane wiping them away. 
JT
drop
s
to his knees again
.

“Please Jay, just tell me who it was.
Oh my God, I think I know
what happened
. 
Just tell me.  God I am so sorry.  I never thought that would be why.  I
should
have known.  I should have known,” he
crie
s
and
bow
s
his head and start
s
sobbing.

Closing my
eyes tightly
,
I
silently pray this
i
s a nightmare and any moment I w
ill
wake up.
 
I felt like I was being stripped bare and shredded to pieces.  Wasn’t my soul sli
pping through the slashes of me
?
  I couldn’t allow this to happen. 
Standing suddenly
,
I push away from Kane. 

“Get
out of my house NOW!
  Both of you
.  J
ust get out,” I scream.  I know I probably look like a crazy woman, but I didn’t care at th
is
moment. 
Looking down at JT
,
I snarl at him,
“
Get the fuck out of my house
JT. 
I don’t know what
you’re
talking about, but you keep your fucking opinions to yourself.  You don’t know
anything about me
.  Don’t you dare breathe a word of what you think
“
hap
pened
”
.  Just get out,
” I scream at him and d
i
ve toward him swinging, but before my hand could hit him
,
Kane pull
s
me back.  I jerk my body out
of
his arms
and turn towards him
, “Leave Kane.  Just leave.” 
 

Kane look
s
at me and sh
a
k
es
his head.
Standing he
turn
s
to
JT
, “Man, you need to leave.” 
JT
didn’t even
look at him
.  He
stood
just
staring at me. 

“I am so sorry Jay,”
he
quietly
said and
turn
s
to walk
away.  I heard the front door open and close.
  My eyes
go
to Kane and he
’s s
taring at me.  My breaths were coming fast
,
and it fe
e
l
s like my heart will
erupt from my chest at any moment. 

I
open
my mouth to tell him to leave when he s
ays, “
I’m not leaving, so get that out of your fucking head.  You can either talk about what just happened or you can just let me hold you,” he s
its
back down on the couch and
lowers
his head
to his
hands.

“Damn Jay, I walk up to your
front
door and
it’s cracked opened.  Then I hear you screaming
so I run in and find a guy holding you do
wn and you just faint.  I totally lost my shit and almost beat that kid
to death.  He d
idn’t
even fight me off
.  He
was worried
about you
and begged
me to
make sure you were okay
.”  He looks up at me. 
“
Now I’m not going to pretend I didn’t hear what he said or even what he might have
meant
.
”

I cut him off, “Just shut up.  What
?  Y
ou’ve known me for
literally
three days
.
  You don’t know me at all. 
Just get out of my house.
”

He shakes
his head and
I could tell that he wanted to argue
.  Finally
he
stands
and
look
s
at me, “What the fuck ever.”  He
then
walks
o
ut of the living room
and
never looks
back.
  I jump
when the front door slam
s
.

My knees g
i
ve out and I f
a
ll to the floor my head hung down.  The pain radiates down my body from my heart.  It’s physical.  When would it ever stop?  The thought flashes through my mind.  I could make it stop.  Upstairs in my bathroom closet sat a bottle of
different
pills.  A collection of sorts
,
that
I h
ave been gathering
for the last year. 
It would be a lethal combination if taken
at the same time.