Ruining Me (32 page)

My heart thunders loudly in my head as it slows with every beat.  I drowsily watch as the clear water crest over the rim of the white porcelain tub and flows over the side.  Different colored pills float in the warm water.  The red dress I have on seems to ripple beneath the water becoming one with the flow.  I no longer feel the heaviness of my legs weighed down by the water.  My head leans back ag
ainst the rim and slowly I shut
my eyes closed
,
letting the peace envelop me. 

I ha
ve
lived with this soul burning pain for too long.  Let it eat me from the inside out
,
making me sick from all the lies and deception.  It was my hideous shame and ultimately my sin.  I was tired of fighting.  I was tired of hurting, but all this was not the reason for this moment as it
should
have been. 

With my eyes closed,
I can picture his face with those
shiny blue
eyes that will always h
aunt me.  His smile as he kissed
me
,
flashes through my mind.  For a moment
,
I had felt whole again, but it’s all over. It’s too late. 
He is gone from my life. 
My sins were supposed to kill me and not him. 
Too many people are hurt
and n
ow everyone knows my secrets.   

I think I feel his kisses on my cheek, but that could be the tears.  My heart knows the truth
that he is dead
and with
that
thought
,
I let the darkness
over
take me. 

Lying awake with my eyes closed in the hospital the next day, my mind still refuses to process the last twenty four hours
completely
. 
Someone is speaking with my parents in a hushed voice that I never thought I w
ould ever hear again.  He is arguing with them saying that
he refuses to leave and t
hat he w
ill not
leave me alone again
.  His voice breaks as he explains that he can help me.  
 

Molly is crying in the background and she is telling my mother that she agrees with Kane.  She says that I love him and that he might help.  A nurse comes in and says that she need
s
to speak with my parents outside. 
As they leave,
I
can
hear Molly whispering to Kane.

Evidently my
parents were right behind me getting home
last night
.  Molly and Reed had called the police when I had taken his car.  Between them and my parents, my attempt only landed
me here in the psyche ward of the hospital after they brought me in and pumped my stomach. 
She says to him that once I gained
consciousness
, I fought everyone in the emergency room, swearing to finish the job if they didn’t let me die. 

Molly ask
ed
him how he heard
what happened
and Kane tells her that Jill got a call from Kip
and she
called him immediately.
 
Molly
wanted to know if he knew
about the video and he told her yes.  Molly
then
says something about Coach Branch being arrested last night.  Her phone rings
right then
and I hear her excuse herself.

I lay still as death.  The screeching of a chair being pulled next to me rings in my
head
and I winced at the sudden pain
.  He leans down with his mouth against my ear and whispers, “You can’t wake a girl that pretends to sleep.” 

My eyes open directly to his.  I try to speak, but my throat feels like someone
h
as set
fire to it. 
 

“That’s what happens when they have to put a tube down your
throat
to empty
your stomach
.”  His hoarse voice says as he grabs a glass of water on the table.

Leaning it toward
s
me
,
he holds the s
traw to my mouth.  I can only swallow a little bit.  Clearing my throat
,
I try to talk again.

“Leave, I’m not going to be here long.”  Looking at me, he knows what I mean.

“You’re not going to be in the hospital long or you’re not going to be on this earth long?”  I glare at him and shake my head.

Kane placed my glass of water
on the table. 
Leaning back
down over my hospital bed
, he g
rip
s
the rails on either
side and
lowers
his face close to mine.

“
Y
ou listen to me, I’m not leaving you.  Not for a second.  Do you really think I will let myself lose another friend?”

“I’m not your friend,” I whisper.

“Your right Jay, you’re not my friend.  You are so much more to me and these past couple of days didn’t change that
. 
So we’ll get thr
ough this together or we will no
t get through
it
at all.”

I shake my head at him and
say
, “I don’t want you here.”
 

He kisses my cheek and whispers back, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Turning my face from him
,
I close my eyes
tight
and choose my path again.

Jay’
s story is far from finished.  In real life, depression is an uphill battle that is not easily cured.  It
a
ffects millions of people daily
.  I
f you or anyone you know ha
ve
had thoughts of
suicide
, please, please get help. 

www.
suicide
preventionlifeline.org/
     1-800- 273-TALK (8255)

http://rapecrisis.com/
- 210-349-7273

First and foremost, I have to thank the most wonderful husband and father EVER.  The only reason this household has clean clothes, dinner in our bellies, and most important clean sheets is because of this man.  He even buys the good smelling detergent.  Your Momma raised you right.  Thank you for keeping the complaining to a minimum when I locked myself away with my music blasting in my ear buds and kids running wild through the house.  You’re my best friend and I thank God every day for you being in my Biology class. 

Thank you to my three precious hellions.  Cannon you made me a mother.  How can I ever repay that?  I love you baby boy.  Reese you are the reason I’ll probably have gray hair in the next couple of years, but keep up your independent ways.  It will make you a strong adult.  Last, but not least, Madi Grace you have an adventurous spirit.  I pray that you keep that and it takes you for a wild ride through life.  Just please take me with you.

To Mom and Dad, thank you for growing a dreamer and allowing me to make mistakes, but always being there for me no matter what.  I made it hard and impossible at times.  Thank you for loving me anyway.  I love you guys. 

What can I say
Lynn
.  You’ve been here since the beginning.  You are like my other mother and the first person I call for advice.  Thank you for loving me and supporting me.  I haven’t forgot about you Monk.  You know I love you too!!!

Donna, thank you
for taking the time to help me edit my book.  You are one fabulous friend and y
our input was invaluable. 
Keep being the wonderful WOMAN that you are!!! 

Christan...love ya Girl!!!  Thanks for reading chapter by chapter for me and for helping me keep Kane “douche” free...lol

To my VB club girls, Erin, Courtney, Shan, Ela, and Trina.  Ya’ll ladies are crazy, but I LOVE IT!!!  Thank you for giving me some comic relief when I thought I was going to lose it during writing this book. 
Erin
,
you are my sister from another mister.  Thanks for responding to my ten million whiney text messages.  Bring on the smutty VB pics!!!  We got a trip to plan Ladies!!!

Nicole Reed can be found at or watching a football game for most of the year.  The rest of the time you can find me hauling kids all over the great state of
Georgia
to
baseball or gymnastic practice.  When I get a second for myself, you will find me hidden somewhere in my house (I’m not giving my hidey hole away) with my ear buds in, a kindle in my hand with my laptop and phone sprawled on my lap.  I’m a multi-tasker YO.   I’m a serious music junky and listen to anything and everything.  You can check out what I’m listening to now at my blog
www.nicolreed.wordpress.com
.
or
www.facebook.com/ruiningme