Ruining You

Table of
Contents

Chapter
One

Chapter
Two

Chapter
Three

Chapter
Four

Chapter
Five

Chapter
Six

Chapter
Seven

Chapter
Eight

Chapter
Nine

Chapter
Ten

Chapter
Eleven

Chapter
Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

About the Author

To Jay...

Always choose to
live
.

When
I was a small child, I believed every man in my life was a knight in shining
armor. I’m not sure whether it was because my father always reminded me of the
prince in the fairytales I read or if it was the whole “every little girl is a
princess” mentality. I just know that men, especially handsome men, fascinated
me even at a young age. From the moment they smiled at me, they were my prince
in the current fairytale I was living.

I
had known JT almost my entire life, but when I saw him through the eyes of
young love for the first time in middle school, things changed. I instantly saw
my shining knight. He was the savior I believed in, and he treated me like the
princess I dreamed to be. He put me first and rescued me from anything and
everything, whenever I needed him. Why is it, if I wholeheartedly believed in
the prince, that I didn’t believe in the villain as well?

As
a sophomore in high school, I, along with every other sensible young woman,
grew increasingly leery of men. I was especially wary of the strange and
scary-looking ones I would sometimes see around town. I watched TV and knew
that girls went missing daily. Being left home alone often due to my parents’
extensive travel schedule, I was always doubly cautious. I made sure to lock
the doors and turn on the alarm as soon as I arrived home. I never had a reason
to worry though. My personal knight in shining armor was always watching over
me. JT never failed to call or drop by to insure I was safe and taken care of.

Then
one day, a man I considered another possible knight in my life became a villain
- the monster. I remember smiling at his handsome face that fateful day when he
stepped inside the room with me. I remember thinking I was safe and secure and
believing him to be another man who would watch over me and ride to my rescue.
What a cruel fate that shattered my reality that day and all the days that
followed. When you have nothing but time to re-examine your entire life, you
see things a little clearer, and right now, all I have is time. Time is now
measured from the night when death stole from me, took my battered heart, and
left me behind.

Sixty-four
days is an eternity to live with the guilt that weighs me down and the thoughts
that swirl around my head. The path I chose is the one I continue to choose.
With every sunrise, those feelings strengthen. My soul is broken into a million
pieces, and I find new fragments every day. The deconstruction of me is
painful, but there are reasons why I can’t finish what I started.

“What
else would you like to talk about today, Jay?” Dr. Raines voice interrupts my
thoughts.

We
are both sitting in chairs, facing one another. Dr. Raines seems calm and
controlled as she sits across from me. Today, she has her blond curly hair
pulled back in a knot with a few strands that have escaped.

Her
grey suit ages her and makes her appear slightly dour, but the twinkle in her
hazel eyes belies them. She looks at me with a slim smile on her face, and I
think to myself, “Is it a prerequisite for a ‘shrink’ to look and act like she
does? We’ve been sitting here for the last thirty minutes, and she is driving
me insane.”

“Nothing
really,” I softly answer. Glancing around the room, I read the framed
certificates that hang upon the walls, and I only turn to see the pictures of
her family lined on the shelves behind her desk. Two boys, at different stages of
their lives, are documented in the photos.

“Are
you reading over your Safety Contract weekly?”

Nodding
my head, my eyes continue to roam around the room. The contract she is
referring to is a suicide prevention contract. It is one of the many documents I
have been required to sign during my two month stay at the private inpatient
facility. The form forces me to list reasons why I should live and the people
it would hurt if I chose not to. Currently, the contract only lists my parents,
Molly, and Kane as my “care contacts,” but there is only one person that keeps
me living, and his name is nowhere on that form.

“What
about your journal? Are you documenting your thoughts and feelings daily?”

“Most
days,” I reply back to her.

“How
is the in-house schooling going?”

Shrugging
my shoulders, I mutter, “I’m working on credits for my high school diploma.” Is
that what she wants to hear? I pick at my blue cotton pants and twist the edges
of my white t-shirt to keep my hands busy as I look directly at her.

“That
is really fantastic. I know that in our last family therapy session, your
mother said that she was ready for you to come home. Have you thought any more
about leaving?”

I
close my eyes and bow my head, shaking it in veto.

“Look
at me, Jay. Please,” her soft voice pleads.

I
slowly lift my eyes, wearily gazing into hers.

“You
are here voluntarily which means you make the decision whether or not you are
ready to leave. I want you to remember that.”

Shifting
my eyes downward, I close them tightly and take a deep breath. Quietly, I
whisper, “Not yet. I’m not ready to face everyone.”