Ruining You (3 page)

What
have you done to me, girl? I’ll be here if you need me. Just always know that.

Love....Kane

Tapping
my fingers on the desk, I think back to us. I reflect on how fast everything
happened with Kane: the emotions, the feelings, and the relationship. It all
happened so fast. Was he another prince that I thought could rescue me from my
glass castle? I don’t understand how he still could want to be there for me
after everything that happened? After hearing my secrets and my shame, he’s
still around. Everything was ripped wide open for everyone to see, and he’s
still here. I dumped him and threw him away, but he came back. That’s the main
reason I haven’t responded back to him. He deserves better, and he needs to
move on.

Taking
a deep breath, I skip his other letter and unfold the last one he sent. This
one gets harder to read every time, but strangely, it comforts me. Sometimes
you can’t control the feelings you have for someone.

Jay,

TWO
FUCKING MONTHS since I’ve seen you or heard from you. I’m not mad, maybe a
little hurt, but as you would tell me I’ll get over it. Things are going much
better here. The main reason I am writing you now is to tell you I’m sorry
about sending those other letters. I wanted you to know that I have got my shit
together and moving on with my life.

I’ll
always be here for you.
Whatever you need
. Just always know that.

Kane

Clutching
his letter to my chest, I close my eyes. It’s what I wanted, but then again,
it’s not. With his letter still in my hand, I stand and go to lie down on my
bed. The tightness in my chest spreads, and my breaths quicken. I close my eyes
and work to slow my breathing. The panic attacks started about a month ago.
I’ve learned to control them by myself mostly, and the medication helps. Once I
can breathe normally, my fragile mind finally takes a rest. My eyes are heavy,
so I close them and let sleep claim me.

My
eyes pop open. I’m sitting in a chair with my head leaning back. Facing up, I
blink rapidly to try to see through the glare of the harsh lights. I know
instantly, without looking down, that I’m in my dream room surrounded by four
white walls. Forcing my eyes closed, I try to convince myself to wake up, but
nothing happens. I can feel the cold metal of the chair I’m sitting in as it
seeps into my body. Lowering my head and opening my eyes, my heart skips when I
notice who occupies the chair across from me. JT sits there in his football
jersey and jeans, the same clothing he had on the night of the accident. His
shirt is saturated in blood, and the ruby red drops run down his jeans. His
head hangs low, and his dark hair is disheveled as his hands tunnel through it.
He whispers quietly, but I am unable to hear him.

Suddenly,
my dark angel appears and sits down beside me, crossing his arms and legs. His
crisp white button up shirt with his worn washed jeans and bare feet make him
devilishly handsome. He turns his black eyes towards me, “Ye have heard that it
hath been said, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” His voice sends
chills down my spine. “Did you think your God, Jay, would not expect a life for
a life? Ah, poor little lost boy.” He glances toward JT. “You know you can join
him for all eternity if you’d like? It would be a shame not to.” Looking away,
I try to get up and call to JT, but I can’t move. My silence didn’t help me
before, and it will not help me now. I know that I need to get to him. My devil
laughs loudly at me, and I lean my head back, screaming.

I awake from my dream with
tears streaming down my cheeks and feeling battered and broken on the inside. I
yell into my pillow, smothering the sound. A knock sounds at my door a second
before it opens. Tami, one of the nurses on staff, peeks her head around the
door.

“Jay, you’re late for group
session.”

The room is dark enough that
she doesn’t notice my tears, or she chooses to ignore them.

Clearing my voice, I answer
back, “I’ll be right there.”

Rising from the bed, I wipe
the tears from my face. I look into the one mirror above my desk and brush out
my tangled hair, thinking about my dream. I still have them, and actually, they
are more frequent now. Sometimes they’re worse; the dreams where JT speaks to
me crush me. I’d rather have nightmares that scare me to death than to have my
soul rung out and left wanting him, but it’s not only him I want.

My dark hair lies limp, and
my dull grey eyes show little life. I’ve lost weight, and my sunken cheeks look
bruised in the light. This is one diet I never wanted to be on. Pulling my hair
back, I take one last look in the mirror. This is the reason I don’t look
closely at myself; I can’t stand who I see staring back at me. That girl has
never done anything but cause me heartbreak. She is the reason I lost myself
and the reason I lost the ones I love the most, but she’s always there. It’s
always her.

Turning around, I head down
to the group therapy room. As I walk in, I notice everyone sitting with their
chairs in a circle. Dr. Gale is in the middle talking as usual. My gaze
automatically goes to a new face in our small crowd who is staring back at me.
He looks to be about my age with the thickest, wavy- brown hair that I have
ever seen. His light brown skin hints of Hispanic heritage. Dark and soulful
brown eyes look towards me and back to Dr. Gale. I question what this guy’s
story is.

“Glad you could join us,
James,” Dr. Gale says sarcastically.

“It’s Jay, Dr. Gale. I think
you’re getting senile in your old age seeing that I have to remind you at every
session. It can’t be good when the ‘crazies’ are the one correcting you. If I
were you, I would get that checked out.”

Sitting down in an empty
chair, I try not to glance in the new guy’s direction again. The weight of at
least fifteen pairs of eyes rests on me, and the silence is deafening. Finally,
I look back at Dr. Gale. He’s young. I would probably say he’s in his
mid-thirties, and he reminds me of that teacher on T.V. with the singing cast.
He is tall with light brown hair and hazel eyes. He has a slight smile on his
face that he can’t hide from me; I can tell he is thinking about what he’s
going to say next. Mr. Gale might not admit it, but he likes this verbal
sparring.

“Jay sounds like a bird or
letter in the alphabet. I think we’ve been over this before. James sounds like
a nice, unusual name for a lady. So James, we are talking about our favorite
places to visit. What is yours?”

“Why.....it’s here with you,
Dr. Gale,” I say smirking at him. He just shakes his head.

He turns to the girl beside
me and asks her the same lame-ass question. I forget about the new guy and
listen to Dr. Gale for the remaining time. When we are finished, I get up to
leave, but Dr. Gale calls my name before I can escape.

“James, I need to see you
for a second.”

Great, now I’m going to have
to listen to a lecture for being late. Sitting back down, I wait for the room
to clear. Dr. Gale moves near me and sits two seats over. He crosses his dark
denim clad legs followed by his arms, bunching up his white shirt.

“Any certain reason you were
late today?”

“Sorry, I fell asleep.”

“Do you feel more fatigued
recently? We may need to adjust some of your medications.”

“No, really, I’m fine.”
Smiling, I stand up. “Thanks, Dr. Gale.”

“Sit down, James. I’m not
finished speaking with you.”

Sighing, I flop back down in
my chair and look at him. Imitating his posture, I cross my arms and legs and
simultaneously cock my head to the side.

“How about your dreams? Are
they getting worse?”

Raising my head, I glare at
him. I haven’t discussed any of my dreams with him, only Dr. Raines.

“James, you know that Dr.
Raines and I have to discuss our patients when they refuse to talk to us. You
know, like everyone else, that we do talk with each other. We don’t discuss
specifics. She just wanted to know if you talked about your dreams during our
sessions.”

“I don’t talk about anything
during ‘our sessions’. I’m sorry that I do not feel the need to lay out my
feelings for our little group of ‘lost boys and girls’ or to play the game of
whose life sucks more.” My voice rises with agitation.

“All we are trying to do is
help you. Sometimes people open up better in a group setting, and I am sorry,
but as long as you are here, they are mandatory. You would be surprised, if you
would just open up, to find out that you are not alone.”

“Not going to happen, Dr.
Gale. I’ll attend because I have to, but any opening up will be done in
private.”

“If that is what helps you,
then, by all means, keep doing what you’re doing. Just keep in mind the goal
that we have here is that you find, within yourself, a place of peace. So when
you leave here, you can function happily for yourself. The only other thing
that I want to point out is that a group session helps you connect. Connecting
to people is another important factor in your recovery from depression. Letting
someone in so they may know the signs of when you’re feeling down is crucial.
Just something to think about,” Dr. Gale finishes and stands with a look of
resignation on his face.

I do realize they are both
trying to help me. I understand that Dr. Raines and Dr. Gale are not the
enemies, but talking about me has always been my problem. I’d rather bottle it
up and bury it than discuss it. Standing, I look up at him. “I know that you
all are just trying to help...”

“Jay,” he says, interrupting
me and shaking his head, “it is more than that. I want to make sure that that
sassy girl that acts like she’s not listening to every word spoken during each
session finds a reason to live. I want to know that she looks at life and sees
an endless road of journeys and adventures instead of roadblocks and dead ends.
I can’t make that decision for you, but I can help you find the tools to get
you to a better emotional place. You just have to let me.”

Smiling, I don’t think he
realizes what he just called me. “I know. I know. It’s just hard for me to let
anyone in, but I’ll try. That’s all I can promise for now,” I reply turning
around to leave.

“To try is all I can ask,”
he says as I walk out of the room.

Heading back to my room, I
decide to skip dinner again. Living this life is not easy. In fact, I can’t
remember a time when it was. I get nauseous just thinking about letting people
in or allowing anyone to get close, but one person comes to my mind - Kane. Sitting
down on my bed, I grab my iPod and let the music soothe my bruised and tattered
soul.

~~~~~~~

The next couple days pass as
all the days before. The only difference is the new guy. He doesn’t talk about
why he’s here, but he manages to find a way to participate in the group
sessions. I’m sure Dr. Gale loves that. I can’t help but notice that he
continuously looks at me, and honestly, it’s getting annoying. What kind of guy
tries to pick up girls in a nut house?

Following our next group
session, Mr. I-like-the-crazy-ones, makes his move.

Smiling, he nods and says in
a deep baritone voice, “Hi.”