Rule (33 page)

I laughed a little, real laughter
this time and a couple standing by a grave a few feet away gave me a dirty
look.

“I got drunk on my birthday and
threw myself at him.  I was terrified the entire time he was going to turn me
down, to claim that he was taking advantage of me because I was drunk but it
happened and I totally gave up the v-card to your twin.  Somehow I know you
would find that hysterical and never let me live it down.  You were right I was
always just waiting for him to get with the program and now that he has, well
let me just say the program is amazing and I have a hard time seeing a future
without it or without him.”

I pressed a kiss to the stiff
leather of the glove and placed it on his name.  “Every day Rem, every single
day something reminds me of you, makes me think of things I want to tell you,
makes want to cry because of what happened to you.  Every day I miss you and right
now when I need you more than I ever I try to make decisions, try to go in a
direction that I know would make you proud, would make you smile for me but
it’s hard.”

I stayed for a few more minutes
until the tears were nothing more than icy trials on my cheeks then climbed to
my feet.  I rested a hand on the top of the gravestone and said a final goodbye
while trying to get my composure back in order.  When I got into the car Ayden
had hijacked the radio and Lady Antebellum was twanging it up but she turned it
all the way down as I got behind the steering wheel and peeled off my gloves.

“Everything okay?”

I nodded and held my frozen hands
over the heater, wishing I had one big enough to dry the legs of my jeans. 
“Yeah it’s just sad.  I miss him a lot.  We used to talk every single day
sometimes for hours and hours.  I feel lost without him so much of the time and
I think he’s the only one that would make sense of how hard it is to get a
handle on Rule.  They were very different but still essentially the same at the
core, good men with a strong sense of self and loyalty.”

“It’s obvious you cared deeply for
him so why didn’t the two of you ever hook up?  It seems like it would have
been an obvious match.”

I smiled ruefully and headed back
toward the city.  “Because we didn’t feel that way about each other.  He knew I
was in love with Rule at times he encouraged it, at times he tried everything
to talk me out of it but he knew it and for the most part respected it and he
was in love someone else, someone very unlike me.  Remy was the life of the
party, he had a million friends and everyone wanted to be around him all the
time but he was really private when it came to his love life.  Rome and Rule
burned through girls at a rate that is honestly alarming but Remy played it
close to the chest and I think he let people believe we had a thing going for
so long because it kept them from asking questions he didn’t want to answer. 
He didn’t want the comparison to his brother’s and his parents loved me so it was
just easier for him to play along than deal with the hassle.”

“That doesn’t seem like it was very
fair to you.  If he knew you were in love with Rule the whole time why would he
purposely let him believe you and he were a couple?”

Rule asked me that same question
all the time even though he wasn’t armed with the knowledge that I had been in
love with him for so long and I hated that I couldn’t answer it for him. 
Remy’s secrets weren’t mine to tell even if it strained things between us.

“He had his reasons and at the time
I understood them, now I guess I didn’t see how damaging they could be but at
the end of the day he saved me from a high school life that would have been
miserable and a family that treats me like furniture so I don’t mind suffering
for him in the slightest.  You would have liked him, everyone did.  As moody
and difficult as Rule can be, Rem was just the opposite.  He was always
affable, smiling and happy he just wanted to have a good time and make sure
everyone else did too.  When he graduated he was supposed to go to California
on a football scholarship, he was good, better than good but he turned it down
because if he had to play in order to stay in school than that took the fun out
of the game for him.  Rule moved to Denver with Nash and Remy left with them. 
The guys went to work in the shop as soon as they had their diplomas, Remy
screwed around trying figure out what he wanted to do.  Eventually he got
hooked up with a high-end event planning company throwing swanky parties and
doing black tie events, it was his niche and he never talked about college
again.  He made good money, loved living in the city, had a great relationship
with his brother’s and his family, was involved in a relationship with someone
that made him smile and act like a giddy kids, plus I had just moved here for
freshman year when he died.  It sucked and it totally wasn’t fair, everything
was right where he wanted it and he was taken away from it all because of a
stupid accident.”

“That’s just tragic.”  I could hear
the emotion in her voice.

“It is.”  I agreed because that was
all I could do.  By the time we got to the salon we were both beyond ready for
a little pick me up and I decided that a hot stone massage was definitely in
order.

We got pampered and all loosened
up.  Maybe too loose because when it came time to touch up my hair I had him
take the chunk in my bangs and make it almost black instead of the subtle light
brown it had been.  I had him do the same to the underside fall of my long hair
so that I had almost a checkerboard effect going on.  It was edgy and dramatic,
there was no way to miss it and the black made the green of my eyes iridescent. 
I really liked and so did everyone else apparently because as soon as we got out
of the salon I had a bunch of girls around the same age as us stop and ask
where I had it done.

Ayden and I went and got some lunch
and decided to grab a cocktail at a bar close to the apartment.  I glanced at
my phone and notice Rule had texted and asked how I was doing.  I frowned and
shot back that everything was fine.  I waited for him to demand to know where I
had been all day, to ask what I was up to but instead he just answered back
that was good and wanted to know what time to come over tonight.  My stomach
knotted and I felt something awful rise up in the back of my throat.  He was
only being nice, only being thoughtful but I hated it and I wanted it to stop
so I texted:

-
      
I
think I have a migraine coming on.  Ayden isn’t working tonight so I think
we’ll just have a girl’s night at home with a stupid move and some popcorn so
you can go out with your friends or whatever.

I wanted him to tell me that was
stupid.  That of course he would come over but I got back:

-
      
Alright. 
Let me know if you need anything for your head.  Keep your door locked I still
don’t trust Davenport.

I wanted my Rule back.  I wanted
him to get mad at me, I wanted him to throw all that attitude he normally toted
around at me but I got none of it.  All I got was quiet acquiescence and easy
agreeability, things that my Rule knew nothing about.  Angry and not sure why
or what to do about it I tossed the phone into my purse and ordered us another
round of drinks.

“What’s wrong now?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on Shaw.  I’ve been with you
all day; tell me what’s really going on, the boobs, the hair and the freezing
visit to the grave something is behind it all.  You make me talk when I don’t
want to so spill it.”

I sighed dejectedly and twirled the
straw around in my drink.  “I told Rule not to come over tonight because I was
getting a migraine.”

“Which I assume is not true.”

“No and it don’t really want him to
stay away I just wanted him to do what he normally does and throw a fit, to act
temperamental and bossy, to tell me he’s coming over whether I like it or not
because he wants to.  Instead he just says okay like it’s no big deal and I
don’t know what to do with it.  It’s not like he can’t be sweet and nice when
he wants to but that’s just not his default.  He’s complicated and
argumentative but lately all he wants to do is smile and nod like I can do no
wrong.  It weirds me out and it just isn’t like him so I don’t know what to do
about it.”

“Maybe try being stoked that your
boyfriend sounds awesome?”

I tried to smile because I knew she
was just kidding but I didn’t have the heart for it.  “It’s not just when we
talk or I ask him to do things, it’s in bed too.  Normally it’s all out of
control passion and mind numbing orgasm after orgasm but lately it’s been a lot
more like may I do this, and is it okay if I do that, and how does this make
you feel, and are you okay with this?  He’s never been the type to ask for
permission, he takes what he wants and by the end makes sure you want it twice
as bad, it’s starting to really freak me out because I don’t even know how to
talk to him about it without sounding like a paranoid lunatic.”

“Well you have to talk to him about
it.  You can’t just keep expecting him to act one way while he’s doing
something entirely different or you’re both just going to be disappointed.”

I knew she was right but that
didn’t mean I had the first clue how to go about it.  “Whatever happened
between him and Gabe after my car got trashed is what started it.  He left the
apartment one way and came back as a stranger.”

“I know a couple people who were
walking to class when it happened.  They said it looked like Rule was going to
tear Gabe apart but then he let him go and a security guard broke it up so I
don’t know what could have triggered such a strange reaction in him.”

“I don’t either but I hate it and
it’s just one more reason to curse Gabe and how he has managed to interfere in
my life.”

I was feeling pretty down so we had
a few more cocktails than planed and then Ayden decided that since we were
already bombed that we should make good on the girls night.  We ordered wings
to go from the bar and hiked home since we were only four blocks away and I
could just get dropped off at the car in the morning.  We stumbled in and
crashed on the couch.  We watched three sappy, romantic comedies back to back,
polished off the wings with a bottle of wine, indulged in ice cream and popcorn
and laughed hysterically at things that were not remotely funny.  It wasn’t
until I finally crawled into bed hours later that I realized that I hadn’t
called Rule or even sent a message to let him know what I was doing all night
long.  I think my heart cracked a little when I looked at the screen of my
phone and it reflected back no missed calls or new messages.  He hadn’t even
bothered with a goodnight or an I miss you.

I tossed the phone somewhere on the
floor, careful this time not to hurl it at the wall and crawled under the
covers.  I assumed since I was pretty plastered that sleep would suck me under
in no time but I was wrong.  I tossed and turned for over two hours until I
finally gave up and realized I wasn’t going to sleep unless I changed
something.  I had spent the last month cozied up next to Rule’s solid bulk and
sleeping in an empty bed when I was feeling shitty just didn’t hold the same
appeal.  I shoved the covers aside and rummaged through one of the dresser
drawers that Rule had started stashing some of his things in when he stayed
over.  I found his favorite Defiance Ohio t-shirt and striped down and put it
on.  It was worn, soft and mostly it reminded me of him so when I crawled back
into bed I finally fell into a fitful rest knowing that I had to get a handle
on whatever was going on before I went crazy or turned into an insomniac lush.

Rule

“Hey you gotta a minute?”  I looked
up from the drawing of an old school pirate ship I was working on when my
brother’s voice surprised me from the doorway of my room.  I was concentrating
so hard that I hadn’t heard him come in and my mind was a million miles away
because for the second night in a row Shaw had come up with some lame ass
excuse to hang by herself rather than with me and it was pissing me off.  I was
making an active effort to act in a way I thought all good boyfriends were
supposed to act.  I was being considerate, attentive, deferring to her wishes
and not pushing for anything so generally being a giant pussy and letting her call
all the shots and it wasn’t getting me a damn thing, even in bed.  I wanted to
be a guy that wouldn’t give her a reason to walk away, that would make her
happy so that she didn’t have to battle my mood swings and crazy outbursts of
crazy.  I was trying with limited success to be a guy that she wanted to keep
around especially since Davenport was still floating around and unhinged but
for whatever reason my new and improved attitude seemed to be achieving the
opposite result.  I had spent the last two nights tossing and turning because I
was so used to her soft form curled up next to mine and I was too irritated to
just call her and tell her I was over it and just coming over anyway because I
knew it was what we both wanted.

I tossed my pencil at Rome’s head
and indicated he could come in if he wanted.  “What’s up?”

He threw the pencil back at me and
dropped heavily on the bed.  He stuck his long legs out in front of him and
crossed his ankles while reclining back on his elbows making himself right at
home.

“Still no word from Shaw?”

I bit back a growl because just
thinking about it made me want to hurt things.  “She says she has too much
homework due tomorrow so she’s just going to head home after work and do it.”

“Huh.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing just huh.”

“Shut up Rome, your huh never means
nothing.”

“Well it’s just odd that she hasn’t
been around much the last couple days.  Did you have a fight you didn’t tell me
about?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”