Authors: Neil Strauss
Rules of the Game (12 page)
Now review your list. Do any of your reasons blame someone else for a negative outcome (“She was walking too fast,” “She was stuck up,” “She wasn't my type,” “The guy she was with was an asshole”)? If so, cross them out and replace them with an error you may have made. Then write down a suggestion for what you could have done differently to make the approach more successful.
“What's your name?” “What do you do for work?” “Seen any good movies lately?”
Boring!
Listen to any man in conversation with a woman he's met, and chances are she'll be subjected to a nonstop barrage of questions that include one or all of the above. And because she's answering them, the guy will think he's getting somewhere.
Here's a question for you: How many times do you think she's answered those same questions before?
Answer: countless times.
Usually, the scenario ends like this: Slowly she starts looking around the bar, losing interest. The guy makes a desperate move and asks for her phone number. She politely says she has a boyfriend, even though she doesn't. Game over.
Why does this happen?
The comedian Chris Rock knows why. He has a routine in which he explains that anything a man says to a woman translates as “How about some dick?”
If you barrage a woman with generic questions, what she hears is “How about some dick?” Offer to buy her a drink, she hears “How about some dick?” Introduce yourself to her, comment on her necklace, ask for the time: “How about some dick?”
Your goal as a Challenger is to start a conversation with a woman without saying “How about some dick?”
This is accomplished through what are known as indirect openers. An indirect opener is a way to start a conversation with a stranger or a group of people you don't know without hitting on anyone or showing any romantic interest. If you do this well enough, soon she'll be asking
you
those generic questions.
The following guide includes the basics of using and developing these openers. Tomorrow, you'll learn two additional techniques to make them nearly failsafe.
A successful opener serves four basic objectives:
It's nonthreatening and makes no one uncomfortable.
It stirs up curiosity and captures the person's or group's imagination.
It's a springboard for follow-up conversation.
It serves as a vehicle for you to display your personality.
There are many different types and classes of openers. These include:
Direct openers, in which the man shows his romantic or sexual interest right away;
Situational openers, in which the man comments on something in the environment;
Indirect openers, in which the man initiates a spontaneous, entertaining conversation that is not about the woman or the environment.
All of these openers can work, but the first two often fall into the “How about some dick?” category. It's okay to use them, but only if the woman is initially interested in you or predisposed to be attracted to you. And even then they may not always work.
I prefer indirect openers because, when performed correctly, they work 95 percent of the time. And those are pretty good odds in this game, or any game.
Most indirect openers are premeditated and scripted. It may seem contrived and unnatural to prepare something to say, but when you have a conversation starter ready to go at any time, you don't have to hesitate and try to think of something clever to say every time you see a woman you find attractive.
Eventually you'll be able to start a successful interaction by spontaneously saying just about anything. For now, though, think of indirect scripted openers as training wheelsâones that work so well many guys never want to remove them.
The game begins before you open your mouth.
Because the initial approach is such a critical moment, everything from your body language to your energy level takes on extra significance. Here are a few points to keep in mind when approaching a woman or a group of strangers:
Always have something better to do than meeting women. As soon as you start staring at, evaluating, or ogling a woman in front of you, even if she can't see you, you've just lost every woman behind you. The reason is not just that you may seem creepy and desperate, but also that you don't seem interesting, fun, or worth meeting.
Everyone wants to be with the most popular person in the room.
Since most groups in public settings don't know each other, all you need to do is create the illusion of being popular in that moment. From the second you walk in, be engrossed in an animated conversation with your friends. Smile, laugh, have fun, and enjoy one another's company.
Then, when you notice someone you want to approach, wheel around and start a conversation. Don't hesitate or waste time assessing the situation. The art of the approach is the art of spontaneity. If you wait too long, either she'll notice you scoping her out and get creeped outâor, more likely, you'll think about it for too long, get nervous, and talk yourself out of approaching.
Don't face the person or group head-on when you first approach. It's too direct and confrontational. Instead, turn your head and ask over your shoulder. Your goal is to give the impression that you're on your way somewhere else and just pausing briefly to ask some random people a quick question en route. Once the group begins to enjoy the conversation, you may turn and face them.
Don't hover over or lean into the person or group. If you're competing with loud music or they're seated, just stand up straighter and talk louder. If all goes well, you'll soon be sitting down with them or moving somewhere quieter together.
Smile when you approach. Even if a grin doesn't come naturally, fake it. It predisposes the woman or group you're about to engage to respond positively. On a subconscious level, it signals that you're a friend and not an enemy.
Your energy level should be equal to or slightly higher than the woman or group you're approaching. Most people are out to have fun. So if you can add to their fun, you'll be welcomed into the group. If you're bringing them down or making them strain to understand you, it doesn't matter what you sayâthey'll want to get rid of you as soon as possible. Ways to increase your energy level include talking louder, using hand gestures, making an effort to connect with the people you're talking to, and smiling with your mouth and eyes. But don't be too hyper, because that's just annoying.
Make sure that everyone can hear you, is paying attention, and is involved in the conversation. If you lose just one person, you risk losing
the whole group. So if you feel like someone's interest is waning, pull her into the conversation by addressing her directly or commenting on something she's wearing or doing.
Don't be afraid to approach groups that include men. The more men there are in the group, the less likely it is that the women in it have been approached. You'll be surprised at how often the guys they're with aren't actually their boyfriends or husbands.
Make sure you pay attention to the men in a group. If they feel you're not respecting or acknowledging them, they'll try to end the interaction. If you think any of the men mistakenly believe you're hitting on them, mention an ex-girlfriend or a crush on an actress.
If you're interested in an attractive woman or group of women who've been hit on a lot, don't approach them directly. Instead, open a group next to them. Then, during a high point of the interaction, casually involve the woman you originally wanted to meet in the discussion.
