Running Away From Love (30 page)

              He extended his hand to me and said “If you really love me and are done hiding, Jasmine, take my hand and we will walk out of here together. If you take my hand you have to give us a real chance at starting over. All I’m asking of you is to give me a chance to make everything right. But I’m telling you right now, this is my last time putting myself out there for you. If you don’t accept my hand, there will not be another time I will be there for you. If you go down there and marry him then that is my sign to let you go. Being that you’re pregnant I will do what I have to do to be in my child’s life. Trust me when I say that me a being a father to that child will happen with or without you.”

I froze in place staring at his hand extended out to me. Whenever I am faced with the idea he and I, I instantly become paralyzing with anxiety and fear. The past love and heartbreak I had with him haunts me. Despite my mind being clouded with uncertainty there is no mistaking the love I have for this man. Just the sight of him can brighten up months of cloudy days that has hung over me. Just as I was about to take his hand he snatched his hand away. I was confused as to what I did wrong.

He said angrily “Wow, Jasmine if really takes you that long to think about it then I guess that gives me my answer. I need to just accept the fact that you will never forgive me for what happened years ago. It’s crazy how this nigga can cheat, and smack the shit out of you. But you were so willing to forgive him just like that. I never did anything remotely as fucked up as what he has done, and still you won’t even consider giving me another chance. So if you want to marry this dude then I won’t stand in your way anymore. When a woman really loves a man a decision like this is simple. All she has to do is follow her heart. But I forget who I’m talking to. This is Jasmine, the woman who just refuses to listen her heart. I’m finally willing to accept that I can’t make you do anything that isn’t in your heart to do. Just run away like you usually do. I’m numb to it now.”

I stood there speechless. I was finally ready to take the leap, but now he wants to push me away. I wanted to scream. But at this point I really had no more fight left in me. I couldn’t even form any words my tears just flowed as I pulled down my veil covering my face. I turned and walked away from him. I met my dad downstairs, and prepared for my walk down the aisle.

My emotions were all over the place I was a complete mess. If my dad wasn’t holding onto me I was sure my legs were going to give out sending me crashing down to the floor. The doors to the church opened and the wedding march song began to play. There were so many people here, and as soon as everyone saw me they gasped. I guess I really did make a beautiful bride. As me and my dad walked down the aisle I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes.

My dad looked at me concerned and whispered into my ear asking “Baby girl, are you okay?”

I couldn’t form any words through my tears all I could do was cry. My heart was aching in the worse way. Trey’s words destroyed me. I realized just how selfish I have been this whole time. I was only focused on how all of this was affecting Jasmine. I didn’t care to even pay the slightest bit of attention to the fact that I wasn’t the only one hurting in this love triangle I had created. As I made my way down the aisle I glanced towards London and my mom. Their facial expressions told me they didn’t approve. They knew my heart wasn’t in this relationship with Q.

Quincy was waiting on me anxiously at the end of the aisle. He looked very handsome in his black tuxedo. His eyes seemed to light up as he looked at me in my dress. He mouthed the words I love you to me. I really didn’t doubt he loved me. If he didn’t we wouldn’t be where we are right now. As soon as I got close, I knew he would notice I was crying. I’m sure he would assume they were tears of joy. Everyone was seated once I made my way to the altar.

The pastor asked “Who gives this woman to this man?” My father spoke up saying that he does. He kissed my tear stained cheeks and told me he loved me as he gave my hand to Quincy. Quincy took my hand, leading me up to stand by his side. He stared and smiled at me. As I looked into his eyes I realized what I was doing to him was wrong. I can’t think about myself anymore. I needed to come clean about everything. I didn’t love him like I used to. In the beginning everything was so beautiful, and in no time I fell head over heels in love with this man. Unfortunately our love was now tainted with lies and infidelity. The bond we once shared was broken, and lord knows I really tried to put it all behind me. But how could I look past what was constantly in my face? Maybe if I never ran into Trey that night things might be different. Maybe the love I held in my heart for Trey would have disappeared over time, and I could have worked things out with Quincy. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that Quincy lived one big ass lie our entire relationship. He wasn’t the man I thought he was. He was out here acting like I didn’t exist as he fucked other women behind my back. But what hurt the most was that in the same breathe he would stand by my side claiming to love only me.

              As the pastor continued on with his speech I zoned out on everything going on around me. I glanced towards the door and I saw Trey standing there staring at me. As soon as we made eye contact he just turned and walked away. Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. This marriage to Q is a huge mistake. The thought of never seeing Trey again was too much to bear as my reality. The room was now beginning to spin, and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I gasped for air as I removed the veil covering my face. My tear and mascara stained eyes and cheeks were exposed.

I doubled over trying to catch my breath. I screamed out saying “Oh my God! I can’t breathe, please stop!”

The pastor stopped talking and everyone stood up from their seats gazing at me with concern. I was having a full on panic attack. Quincy rushed to my aid and held me up with a panicked and confused look on his face. He said concerned “Just breathe, baby. It’s okay. I’m right here.” Once everything went silent I was able to catch my breath. I was afraid to even look at Quincy. I felt horrible for what I was about to say, but I knew it was something had to be said.

I looked directly into his eyes as I spoke saying “I’m so sorry to do this to you, Quincy, but I can’t marry you. I have not been honest with you or myself. I’m sure you know just as much as I do that things have not been right between you and I. And still, as I stand here, it doesn’t feel right. What we once shared just isn’t the same. I don’t honestly think you really have accepted the magnitude of what happened to us. You just chose to ignore everything like it was some type of bad dream. Well it wasn’t a dream, Q, it was real. It is a reality that is centered on the both of us. You and I can’t continue on acting like the issues between us don’t exist. It bothers me that you act like I can’t tell you had some type of feelings for that chick. You took her places, bought her things, and showed her love like you were in a relationship with her. I could have possibly handled it a lot better if it was a one night stand. But I came to find out it was a continuous ‘fuck your feelings.’ What I expected from you, Quincy was acknowledgement of what it really was with her. I wanted to see you be vulnerable with me, and act as if losing what we had was not an option for you.

“Let me know without a shadow of a doubt that this thing between us is real. Even after all of this time I still don’t feel like I have any closure in regards to that situation. Yeah you kept saying how sorry you were, but sorry doesn’t make it better. I needed time with you to mend what was broken. You left me out there to fix emotionally what you broke. I feel like I don’t even really know the man you really are. I only knew what you allowed me to see. You’re so damn guarded with your feelings lately that it’s hard to tell what you’re really feeling half of the time. You speak more about how you feel on social media than you do to me your woman. Your baby on the way with Lisa will be a constant reminder of your infidelity to me. How do you think that makes me feel as you’re soon to be wife? That chick will always have the upper hand, being that she has your child. I don’t think I would ever get comfortable enough to deal with that for the rest of my life.

“How I feel right now is every time I see her I want to bash her damn face into the pavement. This whole cheating thing was spread out for the whole world to see. Me at my most vulnerable state was on public display. I had to deal with all the whispering behind my back everywhere that I went. There were people who knew nothing about us given the chance to have an opinion on our relationship all because of what you did. My embarrassment was plastered on every single blog and gossip sites. I had every people out there making jokes about my life. I’m hearing this chick coming out her mouth all sideways about me. Not once did you even step in and check her ass. I know you have seen all of the things she was saying about me. The only thing that saved her from me beating her ass is that she is carrying your child. It was so hard for me, Quincy, and you never once seemed to try and understand how I was feeling. Many nights I just cried just out of pure frustration. I felt like I was all alone in all of this. All you cared about was keeping me away from Trey.”

I could see him getting angrier with every word I spoke. He finally yelled at me saying “Are you fucking serious, Jasmine! You wait until now, our wedding day, to spring all of this shit on me! You should have spoken up on how you were feeling way before we even got to this point. It sounds like you are saying you don’t love me anymore. You want to walk away from me, and put an end us for good? Well listen to me very closely, Jasmine, I’m not letting you walk away from me. I have said over and over again how sorry I am for what I did. You think all of this has been easy for me? It hurts me to know the woman I love constantly looks at me sideways now. The reason why I am not around much is because you make me so damn uncomfortable now. The way you look at me with disgust even after I came clean about everything. You question every little thing I do and say. I know how bad I hurt you, Jasmine. The hurt is written all over your face. I see it every time I look into your eyes. The Jasmine I came to love isn’t with me anymore. I have noticed you don’t even smile or laugh anymore. Your sleep most of the time, or spend time at your office avoiding being around me. Yes, I have noticed the difference between us. I just don’t know what to do to fix this shit. So I just ignored it, and acted like it doesn’t exist. I figured you just needed time. So I stayed out of your way and gave you space. But you know who I am, Jasmine. I’m the man you fell in love with. That man is standing in front of you right now. Yes, I made some really bad decisions that make you doubt me. And maybe I didn’t do as much as I could have to fix the problem. But I thought my asking you to marry me showed just how much I want you in my life.”

I kept quiet and just let him talk. He continued on saying “But somehow I get the feeling that this isn’t just about me and you. You’re not saying everything. I’m willing to bet this really has something to do with you and your ex. Ever since you saw that nigga you’ve been acting different. You want to talk about me, but let’s not act like you’re such an angel. You have played your own little role in some of our problems. You act like I can’t tell you still love that man. But for the life of me I don’t understand why. This is the same nigga who dismissed and dropped your ass once he got on. This is the same man who broke you down in every way he possibly could, but then you met me, Jasmine. It was me who single handily rebuilt you back up to the woman standing here right now. I picked up the pieces of your broken heart, and your confidence piecing it back together piece by piece. Yeah, I fucked up and so did he. I’m tired of competing with him when it comes to you. It’s been a tug of war when it comes to your ex ever since I’ve met you. I really can’t grasp the fact that you’re standing here questioning if I love you. If I wasn’t in love with you, Jasmine, would we even be standing here right now? Look around you, Jasmine. We are in a church about to be married. Feel the expensive ass wedding dress you have on its all real. Would I have paid for this big ass wedding if I didn’t want the world to know how much I love only you? Listen, I know and understand how hard it will be for you going forward. Me having this baby with Lisa is a lot, I understand that. Maybe I rushed us into getting married before we really worked out our issues. But please, Jasmine, I’m begging you not to do this. Just give me a chance to fix this. We don’t have to get married right now if that’s not what you want. We can postpone all of this, and just work on us. Please just don’t do this, baby, I’m begging you.”

I began to cry as I said “Yes, you did take the time, and you brought me back to life. And for that I will forever be grateful to you. I’m sorry I can’t marry you. Maybe you need to try being a family with Lisa, and your unborn child. A child deserves to be brought into the world with their family intact. I really don’t see me fitting into that equation. To answer your question, yes, I can finally admit to you and also to myself that I still am in love with Trey. Even after all of the bad we have gone through, I still seem to feel the same for him. It’s not fair to you or him for me to keep lying to myself about who my heart belongs too. After all he is going to be the father of my unborn child. I have been keeping this a secret, but I am pregnant, and the father of my child is Trey. I’m so sorry for telling you like this, especially in front of all of these people. I really hope one day you will forgive me for all of this. It was never my intention to deceive or make you hurt in any way. I was afraid to admit the truth, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone including myself. But marrying you would be one of the worst decisions for the both of us.

At this point, it didn’t even matter to me that all of my dirty laundry was being broadcasted for everyone to hear. As soon as everything was said, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could finally breathe again. As I looked at Q’s facial expression it showed so many different emotions. I saw his anger and his hurt increase as he processed everything I had just revealed. I no longer cared how he felt anymore. All I cared about was making everything right between Trey and I. I took off my engagement ring and placed it into his hand. I turned around hiked up my dress and ran down the aisle as fast as I could to go find my man. I could hear Quincy screaming after me, but I tuned everything out. All that mattered to me in this moment was getting to Trey. As soon as I was outside of the church I scanned the streets trying to spot him. I prayed I wasn’t too late. As my eyes searched the streets I couldn’t find him. My eyes began to well up as the thought of losing him for good burned inside of my mind. I could feel myself about to completely lose it. But just before I completely freaked out, I spotted him just across the street from the church. He was staring directly at me. I wondered what he was doing there. Was he waiting for me? But all I know is that for once I didn’t run away I ran right to him. I darted across the street not caring about the oncoming traffic. All I could think about was just getting to him. As I ran across the street it was like everyone stopped and stared at the runaway bride.