Running Away From Love (12 page)

He said “You’re upset because I hurt you, and I get it. I mean, damn, Jasmine why didn’t you tell me that you were pregnant? It’s crazy how you’re just now telling me this. You could have said something way before today. Don’t you think that I would have liked to have known some shit like that? I would have wanted to have some say in regards to our child’s life, Jasmine. I mean, wow, we really could have had a child together. That shit is crazy. I mean, I can’t say how I would have taken the news back then, but I would have been a man about it. I know the consequences of fucking with no condom, Jas. Regardless I would have been there for you no matter what you chose to do.

“I really can’t believe that you would think that I would have turned my back on you especially if you were carrying my baby. Shit I was a lot of things back then this I know, but I was not that big of an asshole. I know that I put you through a lot of unnecessary bullshit. I was very young back then. I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but that doesn’t mean that I loved you any less. You should have at least known that I loved you if nothing else. You once told me that I was your husband, and that you couldn’t see your life without me in it. Now that I’m no longer in your life, I want to know if you still feel the same. I don’t know when I’m going to talk to you again so I might as well say what I feel now while I have your attention. To be honest I have never stopped seeing you as my wife. It has been a couple of years since we have seen or talked to one another. But I haven’t been out of the picture that long for you to just completely forget all about me Jasmine.”

I laughed in his face as I said “Wow, this is typical Trey right now. You haven’t changed one fucking bit! I see that you’re still just as selfish and self-centered as before! You must still think that Jasmine’s world revolves around you. Well guess what, Trey? It doesn’t! I’m finally at a place in my life where I’m happy. Now here you come wanting to slide back into my world, and fuck shit up! You want to stand on a street corner and profess that you miss me. But to be honest I think it’s a bunch of bullshit! We haven’t seen nor spoken to one another in about three years now. Out of all of that time I’m suddenly missed by you? Ok since you want to go there let’s address the whole pregnancy thing. How could I have honestly come to you, and told you that I was pregnant, Trey? That night when we stopped talking I tried to tell you that I was pregnant, but you dismissed me like I wasn’t shit. It was all too easy for you to just up and walk away from me. Put yourself in my position, and try to imagine how you would have felt. Yes I will admit that it was selfish of me keeping the baby a secret from you. But at the same time I did the best thing that I could think of for myself. You really didn’t leave me with many options. You’re saying now that you wouldn’t have turned your back on me if you knew that I was pregnant. In reality Trey you did turn your back on me, you just didn’t know that I was pregnant. Turning your back on someone you claim that you love is really fucked up regardless if I was pregnant or not. That night you showed me how you truly felt about me. You showed me that I was not the woman that you loved and wanted to be with.”

              After our exchange of words with one another we both just stared at each other frustrated. I tried to hail down a cab, but no one seemed to want to stop for me. I just wanted to get away from him. I just felt uncomfortable. I hated to be put in a position where I couldn’t control it. So when I couldn’t control it I run away. I was finally able to hail down a cab. But before I got in I stopped and looked at Trey. I was trying to see the man that I used to love in the man that was looking back at me. I knew that his words were sincere, but I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it.

So I said “Trey, do you even remember what you said to me that night? I remember what you said so clearly, because that shit destroyed my whole world. You were so damn cold and harsh towards me. You told me that I needed to stop whining, and move the fuck on with my life. Those were your words to the woman that you claim to love. Can you imagine what that did to me hearing that come out of your mouth? So after you said that I just couldn’t bring myself to even tell you about the baby. I waited for so long for you to see that it was me all along that loved you unconditionally. Instead you insisted on playing games. I was never a real priority to you, Trey. You treated me like I was just an option whenever you felt like being bothered. So now after not seeing me you came to realize that you want to be with me? And now you want me to come running into your open arms since you’ve had a change of heart. I’m sorry but you must be out of your fucking mind if you even thought that all is forgiven between you and me! You thought I was going to act like all the fucked up shit you did was forgiven? Well think again because although I may not hate you anymore, but I honestly do not like you! I’m happy with the man in my life. He treats me like a queen. So for once in your life just let me be happy, and just forget about me. Don’t act like you don’t know how to do that, because it wasn’t so hard for you to do before tonight.”

After I said that I got inside the cab and closed the door. As the driver pulled away I refused to even look back. That chapter of my life is closed. And I have no intentions of ever reopening that bitch back up. Trey reminds me of the weak, naïve, and love stricken Jasmine. When I see him I see the girl who was always so nice, agreeable, and compromising all of the time. That Jasmine always looked to avoid confrontation and problems. She let everyone else have their way even if it was at her own expense. I was so weak. Who I am now is so much stronger. I feel like I’ve grown a lot mentally and emotionally since then. Most importantly I feel like I’ve finally grew a damn backbone. I speak up for myself now, and I don’t let people get over on me. I don’t ever want to be seen as that girl for as long as I continue to walk this earth.

              So far in my 25 years I’ve learned that love can be deceiving. I can say that love has been confusing as hell to me. I had an idea of what I thought love was supposed to be, but it turned out to be the complete opposite. I was always the nice sweet girl, and all I got in return was my feelings hurt. I mean yes I really only had one bad experience with a man, but that shit was enough for me to learn my lesson. I only needed to play the fool once. The other men I dated after Trey mostly all of them turned out to be exactly what I expected them to be. I seem to attract the men who are always bad for me. I get the arrogant sweet talkers who think that they can talk the panties off of you. I think that is the problem with men and women now. No one can just be real! Stop trying to say what you think the other person wants to hear. Say only what you truly feel. If you’re not looking for nothing but a fuck buddy be honest with yourself and that person and say that from jump. When it comes to me please miss me with any of the bullshit. I can handle the truth even if I really don’t want to hear it. Even if the truth will crush me I still rather hear it. I’m grown enough to understand that everything will not always be what I want it to be. Everyone seems to have motives. You never really know who you can, and cannot trust. You always have to question what it is that people really want from you. This is why my circle that I consider friends is extremely small. I can admit that I have trust issues.

I mean you can definitely say that I have become kind of jaded after my relationship with Trey. Yeah it is much more difficult for me to let a man into my world without being skeptical of him all the time. Even when I try to let my guard down it’s like it’s never enough. I know I make it hard as hell for Q at times with my trust issues. To be fair I really can’t say that my whole relationship with Trey was all bad. But I can say that as we grew up we both changed. Our focus, maturity, wants and needs were completely different from one another. And I guess as a result we grew apart. But the question is how can you really prepare yourself for something that you never even see coming? Towards the end of our relationship the Trey that I fell in love with was no longer standing there in front of me. It was like I was looking into the eyes of a stranger who just so happened to look like the man that I loved. The new Trey was so damn selfish, and just an all-out asshole. And I couldn’t understand for the life of me when it got to the point when he started to not even care anymore. I felt like he didn’t care about the way he talked to me, or even about my feelings in general. He used to talk to me just like I was one of his boys. It felt like he forgot that I was a woman who had feelings. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. He stayed saying some smart shit for no reason which always ended up in us getting into a fight. And I can’t say if he did it on purpose, but it felt like he was always criticizing me about everything. He made comments about my body how I had a little gut that I needed to take care. When I gained a little bit of weight he made sure to comment. It just made me feel so damn self-conscious about myself. I mean I understand no man wants his woman to let herself go. He wants his woman’s body to be on point. But there is a way to say that without destroying her confidence. A real man would motivate his woman to change it, and not make her feel bad about it. It seemed like he didn’t like what he saw when he looked at me anymore.

But the Trey that I first fell in love with was the sweetest guy when it came to me. I know people thought that he was an asshole, because of some of the things that he would say. Trey is the type of man who would say the first thing that comes to his mind without considering other people’s feelings. And I’m sure that he pissed a lot of people off with his smart ass mouth. His mouth was definitely out of control at times I must admit. And to top it all off he was arrogant which only fueled the asshole that he already was. But with me he wasn’t that way at all. We could just chill together for hours, and never get tired of one another. And it wasn’t about sex even though our physical connection was great. Our connection was so smooth and effortless. We just vibed. I loved the fact that I could see the real him, and he could see the real me. But now a part of me hates him because I feel like he took from me my ability to really love a man on that level ever again. I used to believe with all my heart and soul that Trey was the one. And I pushed myself so hard to make it work with him. I transformed myself into whatever it was I thought that he wanted, and needed me to be. After that didn’t work it basically shattered me. I lost myself trying to be what I thought he needed me to be. But I can say that Q seems to be a totally different man. I’m just not completely sure if I’m really willing to give love another chance. I’m scared to death to have my heart broken again. I don’t think I can take another man loving me, and then leaving me ever again.

              As I got back to my apartment I peeled off my clothes and ran a hot shower. I needed to relax because my nerves were completely on edge after my encounter with Trey. As I stood in the shower I let the water run all over my body. I hoped to feel some sort of release of these emotions that were trying to consume me. I wanted to scream because I waited so long to hear Trey say to me that he wanted me. Truthfully speaking it felt kind of good to hear it, but I didn’t want to hear it under these circumstances. I couldn’t even find it within myself to really even accept what he had said to me. I couldn’t understand what he was really even thinking about coming at me the way that he did tonight. I mean we haven’t seen, or spoken to one another in three years. Why now is all I kept wondering. Did he really think that I was ok after how we ended things? Did he really think that he can just pick me up when he decided to grow the fuck up? I kept telling myself over and over again that I hated Trey, and that I no longer had any feelings for him. But it wasn’t working because in my mind I kept seeing his face. This scared me so I began to plead with myself to let go of whatever I was trying to start feeling again. But that wasn’t working either. In my heart I knew that the love I had for Trey still ran deep, regardless of how hard I tried to hide it. But Q is a good man who so far isn’t afraid to really love me. He knows exactly what he wants, and what woman doesn’t want that in her man. As I was getting dried off I saw that I had a text message. I hesitantly read it with much apprehension, because I immediately recognized the number. I didn’t even think that he even still had, or even remembered my phone number. It read Jasmine I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I have wanted to tell you this for the longest time now. I just didn’t know how to say all of this until I saw you tonight. I know that it’s a lot to process being that we haven’t spoken in so long. But the truth is that I’m still in love you Jasmine. Can you please just give me a little bit of your time? I just want to sit down and have a conversation with you. I deleted the message and turned my phone completely off. I slipped underneath my covers and closed my eyes trying to hide from it all. I hoped that tomorrow when I opened my eyes this whole thing would be behind me, or at least be a really fucked up dream!

              As I awoke the next morning I turned my phone back on, and saw that I had four voicemails. As I checked my messages one was from Talisha yelling at me for not calling her last night. And the next three messages were all from Q. He sounded concerned that I wasn’t answering my phone. I made myself a cup of tea as I dialed Q’s number. He answered on the second ring, and he was angry.

“Where the hell have you been, Jasmine? I’ve been calling your damn phone all fucking night.”

I could tell he had an attitude, and today I really wasn’t feeling that shit. So I said “Calm down, Quincy, I wasn’t feeling well and all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t want to be woken up; that’s why my phone was off.”

Yeah, I withheld the fact that I went out last night. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I didn’t want to bring up Trey at all.

“You never turn your phone off. I was worried something was wrong. Why were you feeling sick? Are you pregnant?”