Running Away From Love (4 page)

I worked on my writing day and night. I took classes on the nights I wasn’t working. They helped me perfect my craft. I’m a perfectionist. I jumped at any opportunity to write for public viewing. I even had some of my work published in my hometown newspaper
The Buffalo News
. I also was blessed to get some things published in major magazines like
Essence
and
Ebony
. With these major accomplishments under my belt I finally began to feel like the best was yet to come. My writing had truly become my savior.

Whenever someone asked me about Trey, I just said that it didn’t work out. We went our separate ways. That was the simplest way to put it without getting into details. I wasn’t really over our breakup, but I was trying my hardest to forget it. For the longest time I let my relationship with him define me. But I was finished with that. I was fighting with all I had to not let him break me. I didn’t want to deal with it. So I chose to act like all the shit that happened was just a really fucked up dream. I knew the way I was choosing to deal with this was not the best way to do it. I was not really giving my heart a chance to heal, but ignoring it helped me get through it faster. Yes, it still bothered me how it ended, and I still have so many unanswered questions. But I came to the understanding that I would never see him again, even to ask him those questions. I had no choice but to accept the fact that the way we ended was with a question mark, and not a period.

We both chose to act like each other didn’t exist. It was hard getting used to him not being around. I still had moments when I would wonder if he still thought about me. But he never made any attempts to get back in touch with me made, so I was assured he didn’t care. Since our breakup, London has been pleading me to not let what happened dictate my future relationships. But that is easier said than done.

At first I felt heartbroken, but now I will admit I am pissed off and angry. Right now I feel like all men ain’t shit! But I love sex way too much to write men off completely. Lord knows there ain’t nothing like a man sexing you the right way. So for now I opted to be alone for a while until I meet someone worth my time. It will definitely take one hell of a man to change how I am feeling at this point. My tolerance for bullshit is damn near nonexistent.

It’s has been about two years since everything happened between Trey and I. My focus is completely on me. Call me selfish, or pessimistic, if you will, but I felt like my life had done a complete 360. I think it is largely due to my new mindset. Finally all of my hard work paid off. I worked on my writing day and night. I finished graduate school and got my master’s degree in Journalism. I had been working a job I hated, but after working hard, I landed my dream job at
Vibe Magazine
as an associate music editor. The two things I loved most writing and music all rolled into one amazing job. My life couldn’t possibly had gotten any better.

For the first time in very long time I could honestly say I was happy. I was just happy being me. I loved the skin I was in. I had no stress in my life at all. I was free to live and be Jasmine. The last two years had been the most difficult time for me emotionally and spiritually. But I was a new person. I was not the same girl from two years ago. I was 26 years old and I had finally stepped into my womanhood. I changed for the better. I finally realized and understood everything you want may not necessarily be what is meant for you. The new woman refused to let another relationship define her. A man would never be the center of her world again, not unless he was her husband. Yes, that may sound self-centered to most people, but hey it is what it is.

The Jasmine that I am now refuses to hold her tongue. If I feel a certain way I’m going to let it be known as loud as I can scream it. I refuse to let any man, or any person in general hold the kind of power Trey used to have over me. This girl will always remember she is number one. She is irreplaceable. Say goodbye to the shy, soft-spoken, sensitive Jasmine, because she no longer exists. Will I say I have completely changed who I am? No I can’t say that I have. However, I will say that after being broken down you really have no other choice, but to rebuild yourself up with a much tougher exterior than before. I really can’t be the same Jasmine anymore. That Jasmine lost herself trying to live in this fantasy world she created for herself.

Today I’m leaving my hometown, Buffalo, New York. I’m headed to New York City. A new start in a city where no one knows me is just what I felt like I’ve needed. I have the chance to reinvent myself into an even better version me. A new city to start the beginning of the rest of my life. I know it will be hard living somewhere where I don’t really know anybody. I’m putting myself in a situation where I have to meet all new people. I’ve always had my circle of friends, and I really left no room for anyone new to come into my life. Now I have no choice but to be more sociable, or end up lonely. It will definitely be a challenge but I’m up for it. I’m normally a shy person and being social has never really been my strong point at times, but there is a first time for everything I suppose.

              As I glanced out of the plane window I saw we were approached JFK airport. I couldn’t help but think back to what happened the last time I was here. I was such a damn mess on the plane ride home that night. I had to admit it’s pretty ironic this is now my new home. I was a little apprehensive to move here considering that Trey might still be here. But I quickly got over it, because I couldn’t let this opportunity pass me by. I couldn’t help replaying that night over again in my mind. That was the night that Trey and I went our separate ways. What a hell of a reality check that was for me. As I look back on the situation now I feel like a damn fool. We were just kids at that time. No guy in his twenties is really thinking about a long term relationship, marriage, and kids. I wasted so much time trying to make something work that was doomed the moment he started to lose interest and not care. I guess over time even the closest of lovers can eventually grow apart. We haven’t spoken or even seen each other since. I know it’s crazy that after so many years of knowing one another we could not even be on speaking terms. We don’t even acknowledge the fact that one another still exist. In a way I am kind of thankful to my experiences with Trey. Because if I didn’t experience that with him, I would still be scared to find my own way.

              My career has definitely sky rocketed right to the place I always dreamed of. Unfortunately, my love life is somewhat nonexistent at the moment. It’s been hard as hell for me to really give any man a real chance to get close to me. After Trey, I created this defensive wall that is damn near impenetrable. I have actually met some pretty nice guys after Trey, but they all look the same to me always about themselves. All they want to know is what you can do for them. I made up in my mind a long time ago to never deal with a selfish man ever again. I am not a selfish woman, and there is no place in my life for a selfish man. I guess I don’t really understand where the roles of men and women have changed so much. Now these fools are looking for a woman to take care of them. They want you to be their mother, lover, cook, freak, and maid. Yes, I understand doing all of that as a wife, but if you don’t have a ring on, why should they get all that time and effort. In today’s world, women are very independent. We have our own money and status, so we really don’t need men for much. So my attitude is real whatever towards any man who comes at me with bullshit. I don’t have time to play games with anyone. My time I consider to be too precious to waste on anybody not really worth it. Right now my mind set is so different than a lot of these other chicks out here. I’m strictly about my money and business. And if anyone doesn’t like it they can remove themselves immediately. Some of the men I dated after Trey didn’t really seem to understand me. Or maybe they got frustrated because they can’t figure me out as quickly as they would have liked too. I’m not the chick who will hound you. If you act like you don’t care then please believe I most definitely don’t give a fuck. I am not the one who feels like I need a man to make me happy anymore. I’ve learned that if you can’t be happy with just yourself then you can’t really expect to be happy with anyone else. A relationship is so much work, and you really have to be ready for it. Right now I can admit I am not ready. But I might be open to it if the right man comes along. If he really wants me he will have to put in work. My focus is solely on Jasmine. All I am concerned about right now is finding out who Jasmine is. Now here I am in New York City, hoping that this city will bring me the fulfillment and happiness that I have been searching for.

              I snapped out of my trance as I saw the row before me begin to collect their things. I didn’t even notice the plane had landed, because I was completely lost in my own thoughts. I stopped the music playing on my Ipad, and began to collect all my things. I opened my purse and touched up my makeup. I brushed my hair which flowed just past my shoulders. I had a wispy bang that fell into my eyes. I know in a city like this first appearances can mean everything. You never really know who you could run into so always be prepared. Besides it’s a part of my job to maintain my appearance and connections. I couldn’t help but feel a little bit uneasy knowing I’m living in the same city as my ex. I’m quite sure he has no idea I’m even here. My nerves were trying to get the best of me again as I began thinking of the chances of me running into him. In a way I wanted to see him, and tell him I finally got my dream job over at
Vibe
. It’s crazy to think about how so much time has passed. It still feels strange knowing he isn’t a part of my life anymore. But then I thought about the actual chances of me running into him in a huge city like this is was really slim to none. My curiosity was trying to get the best of me. So I shook off my nervousness grabbed my purse and got off the plane.

              This for me is a new beginning, and the only thing I should have my eyes set on is my future. I did feel a little bit of apprehension to this city because it wasn’t home. My family and friends are what makes up what I would call my home. They are my strength without them there really is no me. It didn’t really sit well with me knowing I couldn’t see them whenever I wanted too. But I had to keep reminding myself they were only about eight hours away, maybe even seven if I drove fast enough. As I made my way through the airport, I pulled my iPhone out to view any missed calls. I had a couple voicemails I knew were from my mom making sure I made it okay. She always worries about me. I think she still sees me as the same fragile sensitive little girl who would cry at a moment’s notice if my feelings were hurt. My mom knows me so well. Sometimes it feels like she knows me better than I do myself. But I don’t think she realizes the little girl she raised was forced to grow up. And as I grew up I had to bury my sensitive nature deep down inside me. I grew sick of people thinking I was weak, because of my quiet demeanor. People can be cruel at times. And they love to crush girls like me just for the hell of it. The moment they spot your weakness they attack full speed ahead. I had to learn that shit the hard way. I learned that sometimes you cannot even trust people who may even say they love you. Because not everyone who says they love you really mean it. I also saw I had a couple text messages from my friends asking me about the men in New York City already. I had to laugh because I just touched down here, and I haven’t met any men yet. Besides, meeting a man is the last thing on my mind right now. I know I’m going to be super busy, and that is just the way I liked it. The busier I am the better. That way I won’t have as much time to think about missing home, and really miss having a man in my life.

              As I walked through JFK airport, texting my friend Chanel, I realized I had no clue where the hell I was going to find a taxi to get to my apartment. As I wandered around the airport lost, I knew I at least looked good. I wore a pair of dark blue jeans that fit my body like a glove. I matched it with a black sheer top with a black bra underneath. My shoe game was on point as I rocked a pair of all black YSL stilettos that matched my perfectly manicured toes that were painted black as well. You will always catch me in heels because I love how heels make my legs look, long on my small 5 foot 2 inch frame. There is nothing like a banging outfit to boost your confidence even when you don’t always feel that way on the inside. Fashion is a big deal to me. I love shopping and getting new things. Shopping is my weakness and also my greatest stress reliever. But what woman doesn’t use shopping to relieve stress in her life? As I finished up a text message to Chanel, I wasn’t even looking where I was walking, and I ran right into someone. I stumbled backwards, about to fall right on my ass, when I was caught in midair. As I stumbled, I dropped my phone to the ground, and in my head I was pissed off about it. My iPhone was my life, and this would be the second one I had broken in six months. I was dreading having to face the person that I just ran into, but I realized that the arms that held onto me were very strong. I knew I would have to face the person, so I stood up on my own feet again. I looked around nonchalantly to see if anyone was watching and laughing at me, but much to my surprise no one was. I forgot I was in New York City. No one really paid much attention to anyone but themselves here.

              As I regained my balance and composure, I looked up into the eyes of a gorgeous man who towered over me. He stood about 6 foot 4 inches tall, and he was built like one of the Spartans from the movie The 300. His skin was the color of milk chocolate which complimented his beautiful sparkling brown eyes. I had to admit that the man was fine as hell. He must have had some money because he wore a flawless diamond earring and a diamond Rolex watch. He flashed me a big, confident smile.