Rush Into You (31 page)

RYKER WAS DISCHARGED from the hospital a week later. His sister and niece had stopped by each day. Ashley brought get-well cards designed on colorful construction paper, and Alexa wore a brave face for her daughter’s sake, but I could tell she was fighting back tears.

A detective came by the day before Ryker was discharged. Drag racing was illegal, and because of the serious result of last week’s race, the cop couldn’t turn a blind eye. Ryker was ordered to pay a one hundred dollar fine and his license was suspended for thirty days. He got lucky.

WE SAT TOGETHER silently in Jay’s car in my driveway. She’d be coming by later to pick it up. I’d decided yesterday that I was going to buy myself a car. I’d gained my confidence for driving back, and I realized how much easier it was to have your own form of transportation without having to rely on someone else. Ryker wouldn’t be able to ride his motorcycle for a long time, so having my own car would help him out as well.

I leaned over and gave Ryker a gentle kiss on his lips. “Let’s go inside.” I hopped out of the car and ran over to his door to open it and help him out. “Careful!” I squeaked, scared he’d hurt himself even more.

He laughed, the deep sound touched my soul, reminding me how terrified I was that I’d never hear it again. “Don’t worry about me, babe. I’m fine.”

I pulled the pair of crutches from the backseat and handed them to him. He grabbed one and waved off the other, then wobbled a bit trying to gain his balance on the one crutch.

“You’re not fine. And you should really be using both crutches,” I scolded him.

“Well, it’s pretty hard to hold the other one with my broken arm.” He smirked, one eyebrow arched high.

I walked slowly beside him up the walkway, ignoring his insistence that he didn’t need any help. I guided him up the few stone steps that lead to the front door of my apartment, and when we got inside, we headed straight to the couch in the living room.

Ryker could play the tough guy act all he wanted, but I knew his injuries were wearing him down. He sagged into the couch awkwardly and sighed in relief. I sank to my knees in front of him to take off his right sandal. He couldn’t wear anything over the cast covering part of his left foot, and his right foot was still too damaged from the road rash to have the pressure of a sneaker on it.

I grabbed the brown leather foot rest that doubled as a storage unit for odd items and slid it beneath his left leg. The nurse made it clear she wanted as much weight and pressure off this leg as possible. I moved his crutches so that they were leaning on the side of the couch, and then I sank down beside him.

Ryker had a long road of recovery ahead of him. He would need to be careful with his movements and take it easy overall so that his body could heal properly. I thought he probably should have been in the hospital longer, or at least in a wheelchair temporarily, but he charmed the pants off the medical staff treating him. With promises of rest and limited physical activity, the staff had sent him on his way with a prescription of non-narcotic pain medication, a pair of crutches, and a follow-up appointment.

I passed Ryker the remote control to the television, and watched him as he put it on. He was flicking through the channels to find something worth watching, and settled on a movie channel with a sigh. I wanted to cuddle up beside him, but I was afraid of hurting him. I was sitting on his right side, so at least these bones weren’t broken, but I knew they were badly bruised and burned. I reached for his hand and wrapped my pinky finger around his, wanting to at least touch him.

My eyes were trained on the TV in front of us, but my mind wasn’t processing what I was seeing. I was too focused on the fact that Ryker was here, and he was okay. Every time I came home after visiting hours were over at the hospital, I’d felt guilty. I was restless and had some of the worse nightmares in my life — the same nightmare that I had before that fateful night at the race kept plaguing my sleep.

Each night Ryker was in the hospital, I had that nightmare and woke up screaming with tears flying down my face. My throat would be raw and my skin was always covered in goosebumps and sweat. I felt like a zombie shuffling around my house from room to room until I could see Ryker again.

It felt so good to be home with him.

Ryker sighed and shut the television off, letting his head fall into his chest like it hurt his neck to keep it up.

Instantly alarmed, I touched his cheek gently with my hand, “You okay, babe?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, his head still down.

I didn’t believe him. I was worried that the pain of his injuries were too much, or that he would slowly slip into depression. Then my insecurities clawed their way to the surface and I wondered if he still wanted to be with me. It was selfish of me to think in a time like this when he was obviously going through a lot, but I couldn’t help it. He wouldn’t have been hurt if it weren’t for me.

“Listen, Ryker, I —”

“I heard what you said, you know.” I had to strain to hear his words. His voice was so soft and he was speaking into his chest, not looking at me.

My mind was spinning, grasping for ideas of what he was talking about. “What?”

He lifted his head this time, staring straight ahead at the TV. “In the hospital. I heard what you said.”

My heart stopped. I’d said a lot to him that night, and I couldn’t tell by his reaction if he were upset with me or not. I’d told him how much I loved him, and I’d apologized for everything. I’d told him that I wanted to be with him, and that I was ready to share myself entirely with him. I’d also told him it was my fault that he was hurt.

What if he didn’t want to be with me anymore? It didn’t matter that he said he wasn’t going to run from me. That was before he’d almost died because of me.

That was before Keith died.

Now it was my turn to look away from him and at the floor. I wasn’t brave enough to look him in the eyes if he was going to tell me it was over. By his voice and posture, that was what it seemed like he was going to do.

“Look at me, Gabby.”

I shook my head, my eyes welling with tears that I didn’t want him to see fall.

“Gabby, I said look at me.” His voice was louder, though he didn’t sound mad.

Hesitantly, I lifted my head and turned to him slightly to see his face. His blue and gold eyes were soft, and full of emotion.

“What happened wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I shook my head, the tears breaking free and dripping down my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut to try and stop their flow, but it was no use. I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. I didn’t know what to say. It was my fault, and I knew that.

“It wasn’t.” He said it simply as if there was no other answer. Like it was a fact.

“How can you try to comfort me right now, when you’re the one who’s hurt? Keith wouldn’t have crashed into you on purpose if it weren’t for me. He was trying to hurt me!” Sobs took control of me, shaking my shoulders.

“Keith was sick in the head. He did this, not you.”

“He wouldn’t be sick in the head if it weren’t for me, though. It all comes back to me in the end.”

“I don’t want to argue with you. You need to know that I don’t blame you for what happened. I know you would never do anything to hurt me.” Ryker’s voice grew louder, firmer. “You were not the one to hurt me.”

I stood from the couch and paced in front of it. The small space left little room to walk. Five steps to the left. Five steps to the right. Back and forth I kept walking, tapping my fingers together repeatedly at my sides.

I stopped my pacing and stood before Ryker. “I don’t think now is a good time to talk about this. You need to rest. You just got home.”

His eyes were trained on mine, wide and alert. “Now is the perfect time.”

I sighed, wishing I could get out of this, but knowing that I couldn’t. “I’m going to get a drink. Do you want something?” I was tired, my voice low.

Ryked nodded but didn’t elaborate. His eyes followed me, watching as if I might try to make a run for it, but someone just tried to kill him because of me, and he didn’t even know why. He deserved to know. At this point, I could only pray that he meant what he said. That he really wasn’t going to leave.

I came back from the kitchen with a cold bottle of water for me, and a can of Coke for him. I opened the coke and handed it to Ryker, then walked the few steps over to the opposite end of the couch. I settled into my seat, the two cushions separating us, and ignored his questioning stare.

I pulled the squirt top of my water bottle up and took a long sip of the icy cold liquid. I had no idea where I was going to start this conversation.

There was so much to tell him.

So much he needed to know.

So much that I didn’t want to say.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply through my nose, holding the air in my lungs. After a moment, I exhaled slowly through my parted lips and opened my eyes. Ryker was staring at me intently, waiting for me to say something but not rushing me. He knew me well enough to know that I needed his silence right then. My hands were trembling, and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Hearing his voice would push me over the edge.

I locked my eyes on Ryker and cleared my throat. “I’m sure you’ve put quite a few pieces together, and have some kind of idea what happened to me. What Rachelle and Keith said was true, but I’m going to tell you everything from start to finish anyway.”

I took another sip of my water, my throat dry and scratchy like sandpaper.

“I wasn’t always the slutty, drunk, heroin addict that you met at Max’s over a year ago. Before that, I was a straight A student, was on the debate team, and I used to be the captain of the varsity cheerleading squad. Kasey and Madison were my best friends. We were inseparable. We had known each other since elementary school and stayed friends after graduation. We shared an apartment, and we partied a lot, but we had a rule that we never partied alone. Even if we weren’t glued to each other when we went out, we made sure that we always left the parties together. It was our way of keeping each other safe from things we would regret doing while drunk.”

I got up from the couch, unable to sit still as I kept telling my story. I was afraid that I’d see disgust in Ryker’s eyes when I told him what happened, so I started pacing again.

“The three of us went out the night before my birthday. It was the same as any other night really, party hopping from house to house. My birthday was a couple weeks after graduation, so there were a ton of different graduation parties through the summer. The goal of the night was to get as drunk as possible so that by the time midnight rolled around, and I was officially eighteen, we’d be shit-faced.”

I lifted my eyes slightly and chanced a look at Ryker. There wasn’t disgust in his eyes, not yet at least. There was only patience and understanding. But I still haven’t gotten to the heart of my story.

“We had definitely succeeded in getting drunk. We were on our way to our fifth party. Maybe the sixth? I don’t remember…it doesn’t even matter.” I scrubbed my face with my palms and blew out a shaky breath. “Anyway, I had a really cool, brand new, cherry red Dodge Charger. Madison wanted to drive that night instead of me since I’d be getting hammered in celebration of my birthday, but I convinced her to let me drive because we’d all be drinking and my car was the best.”

As much as it hurt to recount that night in detail, I was surprised by how detached I sounded. I felt like I was just listing facts instead of remembering the most horrible day of my life. I knew this disconnected feeling wouldn’t last long.

“That night wasn’t the first night I’d driven drunk. I knew it wasn’t okay to do it, but everyone did and nothing had ever happened. You only heard about people dying from drinking and driving on the news and in movies. No one ever thinks it going to happen to them, you know?”

I sat back down on the couch, closer to Ryker this time. He still didn’t reach out and touch me, and I was grateful for that. “That night was just like any other night for us. Even though we were already so drunk, we were drinking in the car on the way to the next party so we wouldn’t lose our buzz. We were drinking Grey Goose and Red Bull out of these stupid, fancy plastic cups, and singing as loud as we could along with the radio. We were even trying to dance which is pretty hard to do while driving. It was seriously a disaster waiting to happen, but at the time, we were just having fun.”

“We were driving to Trevor’s house, this guy that Kasey liked. She was one of those girls who hooked up with everyone, but she actually really liked him. I was hoping the guy I liked at that time would be there as well. I was texting him while I was driving, letting him know we were almost there. People warn you about texting and driving, just like they warn you about drinking and driving, but again, you don’t ever think anything bad will happen to you. We all think we’re invincible, but we’re really not. I was drinking, singing, dancing, and texting while I was driving, which was just the stupidest fucking thing to do. Doesn’t sound like my focus was too much on the road, huh?” I added sarcastically.