Sacrifice (7 page)

“Can I get you anything else?”

Sam smiled politely back at her, all traces of the charm gone. Replaced inside with polite disinterest. It was mean and he knew it but what else was he supposed to do. He wanted Natasha to trust him. And he had meant it when he said he wanted her to see the real him. And if that meant the bad as well as the good, then so be it.

“No thanks,
we
’re fine.” Sam emphasised the word ‘we’ in an attempt to have the waitress realise that he was there with Natasha…

But it didn’t seem to ruffle the waitress she simply leaned in a little closer. Her cheap perfume clouding Sam’s mind reminding him of all the time he had wasted with Amanda.

“Can I get
you,
anything else… Anything at all?” She cocked one eyebrow at Sam as though she was trying to encourage him to say yes. To ask for her phone number… Or maybe she had already written it on the napkin she had used to hold the plate. It sat on the table folded neatly and it certainly wouldn’t be the first time it had happened.

“No. We’re fine, Kimberly.” His voice was a little sterner this time, harsher and definitely colder. He winced inwardly when he did it but it was the only way to properly convey the message that he wasn’t interested. He had brought it on himself. But, he stared at Natasha who sat back against the booth her gaze taking in everything, it was the only way to show her. Full disclosure…

“Fine then.” Kimberly stood and stalked away, her back straight, shoulders stiff.

“And that was what then?” Natasha asked as she stared down at the plateful of food sitting in front of her.

Sam sighed, this was harder than he had imagined. Much harder. 

“That was me showing that I wasn’t at all interested just like you wanted…”

“But was it the real you? You know considering you told me that the charming side of you isn’t the real you…”

Sam smiled. “I think you misunderstood. The charm I can turn on is still very much me but it’s tiring. I’ve done it in the past because it makes like easier, it gives people what they want. I’ve done it even when I haven’t particularly felt very charming or welcoming of strangers… In my world it’s just something you have to do and it’s a pretence. I’d like to be charming only when I want to be, when I feel it…”

“And you don’t feel that with me?” Natasha asked as she scooped up a piece of bacon and chewed on it thoughtfully.

Sam started to laugh as he grabbed the butter and began to spread it across a piece of toast. “Am I not charming to you?”

Natasha shrugged but didn’t offer anymore of an explanation beyond that. Sam sighed, frustration beginning to grow within him. It would have been easier if he’d just pretended… Don’t explain the way your mind works… Don’t explain your thoughts. They were his brother’s rules and now he was beginning to see the wisdom in it.

“Look I’m not explaining this right. I just didn’t want you to think that I was being false with you… That I was lying. I just wanted you to feel like you could trust me… I was wrong.” Sam started to stand but Natasha reached across the table, her small hand wrapping around his wrist.

“Why are you so sure that I don’t trust you?” 

Sam stared at her, there was something in her eyes. An emotion he couldn’t quite place but he knew that he had to get the answer right. If he didn’t it was all over. He did the only thing left to him then. He couldn’t pretend or give him some pretty words… They wouldn’t cut it with Natasha. She needed more than that. She needed the truth.

“Because you can’t trust anyone… Because you’re afraid the minute you get close to someone that they’ll abandon you, hurt you in some way… I’m not sure who made you this way or maybe it was just a culmination of events that led to it. But I don’t want you to have to feel that way with me…”

She stared at him, long and hard, her eyes filling with tears as her grip tightened on his arm. Sam slid back into the booth opposite her, his hand closing slowly over hers.

“I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me… Maybe they thought it… But no one has said it.”

Sam shrugged, “I figure it’s better to be honest.”

The words cut him to the core. Be honest. He wasn’t being very honest. All this talk of trust and honesty was just more lies. Elaborate lies that could only end in one thing. Complete and utter destruction. The only thing Sam couldn’t be sure of was whether it would be the destruction of just Natasha or maybe both of them…

CHAPTER EIGHT

Natasha

To say that Sam was odd was probably an understatement. I hadn’t understood why he felt the need to prove to me that I could trust him. Not until those faithful words had left his lips.

“Because you can’t trust anyone… Because you’re afraid the minute you get close to someone that they’ll abandon you, hurt you in some way… I’m not sure who made you this way or maybe it was just a culmination of events that led to it. But I don’t want you to have to feel that way with me…”

It shook me to the core to know that I was so easily read. Was I that transparent. No one had ever said it to me before. But then no one had ever made such an effort to prove to me that I could trust them. He was right… I’d never spent time thinking on it before, but he was right. I didn’t trust anyone. Not really. As much as I loved Rachel I still never wanted to have to put all of my trust in her hands…

I was ashamed to admit it but deep down I assumed that I was the only one I could rely on. The only one I could really trust. How Sam had seen through me so easily. How could a stranger who didn’t know me just look at me and tell that I had trust issues? It seemed impossible and yet here we were…

I stared at him, long and hard, my eyes filling with tears as my grip tightened on his arm. Sam slid back into the booth opposite me, his hand closing slowly over mine, comforting me.

“I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me… Maybe they thought it… But no one has said it.”

Sam shrugged, “I figure it’s better to be honest.”

I nodded and sucked in a deep breath in an attempt to squash the tears that were threatening to cascade down my cheeks. I’d done enough crying today to last me a lifetime. The last thing I wanted now was to start all over again.

“Who did this to you? Made you so distrustful of everyone?” Sam leaned a little closer, his thumb stroking lazy circles across the back of my hand.

I shrugged, I wasn’t even sure where to start with something like that. How did you explain that your father didn’t love you, that he blamed you for the death of your mother, without it sounding pathetic, like I was looking for sympathy.

“Surely you trust someone… Parents? Friends?”

My face must have betrayed me because Sam instantly stopped his gaze boring a hole in me. As though if he stared at me long enough then he could see all the way inside me.

“What happened to your parents?”

“My mom is dead…” I hesitated then, contemplating whether it was wise to go on or just bury it.

“And your dad?”

“Well he blames me for her death. He can’t bear to look at me or have anything to do with me so he keeps his distance.”

Sam sat back against the seat and for a moment there was a look of confusion on his face. Merely flitter of emotion but it was enough. Confusion seemed out of place considering he knew nothing about my situation. What did he had to be confused about?

“Why would he think that?”

“Look, I’m not sure I want to talk about it anymore.” I jerked my hand out of his grip and stood, the movement shaking the table, toppling one of the drinks down onto Sam’s lap. I didn’t know whether I should apologise or help him first. I grabbed several napkins and started to dab at the front of his shirt. And that’s when he grabbed me. His hand closing around my wrist halting my motion.

Our faces were inches from each other. I could see the look in his eyes and it made my stomach fill with butterflies. It was the look of longing, a look of desire and the complete and utter urge to possess me body and soul. His grip tightened on me momentarily as though he was going to drag me across the table towards him. As though at any second he would kiss me. And I wouldn’t stop him. It hit me, I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to feel the brush of his lips against mine. I wanted him to possess me, it would be easier than always having to figure things out in my own mind. If he owned me… The way his gaze suggested he wanted to then I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. I could simply give in and be his…

Time seemed to slow to a crawl as he moved towards me. The intensity in his gaze never wavering. It scorched along my skin. All the air left my lungs in a whoosh and I closed my eyes, my body aching to feel his. Aching to feel that undeniable attraction unleashed upon me.

“I’ll get some paper towels but you’re going to have to pay for that glass…” Kimberly’s sweet as cherry pie voice broke through the moment, destroying it completely.

It was amazing how quickly a moment could change. I tugged my arm out of Sam’s grip, my hand automatically going to my wrist. I could still feel his touch. Feel it as though his fingers were still wrapped around my arm. Still against my skin.

Sam’s eyes were filled with questions. Questions I couldn’t give him the answers to. The moment was gone but I still wanted him. Still wanted to feel his lips on mine, his hands on my body. I wanted to cry from the loss of his touch. The best I could muster was a mumbled apology as I threw some money on the table and made a run for the door.

Sam tried to follow me, I could hear his muttered swears as Kimberly trapped him inside the booth. Her hands filled with paper towels as she tried to mop up the spill down the front of his shirt. Part of me wanted to slap her. To tell her to keep her hands off that he was mine. But it wasn’t true. And anyway if I was honest I admired her determination. Determination to know what she wanted and go after it anyway… And what could I do? Run. It was the only thing I knew how to do and it was something I was really good at. So I did. I ran.

My lungs ached and my thighs burned as I finally came to a grinding halt. There was no way Sam was still following me and yet I had kept on running as though he was. Why I was even running was beyond me. It seemed stupid and childish but it was the only thing I could think of doing. Well besides kissing him of course. I wanted that kiss so badly. I still wanted it. My body still ached in a way I hadn’t ever experienced before.

What was it about that man that brought about these violent emotions inside me. The only true way to describe them was violent. I didn’t understand him. I didn’t understand how he had just walked into my life. And what was worse the more time I spent with him the less I understood myself.

I stared around at the all too familiar surroundings. I’d been here hundreds if not thousands of times in the past. Rachel’s apartment building stood just ahead of me across the street. It would be so easy to go and see her. To talk to her, ask her what was happening to me. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I didn’t know if I wanted to share what was happening with Sam and me. She was my best friend… She was the one person I should have wanted to talk to.

Maybe that was what was wrong with me. Sam was right when he said I didn’t trust anybody. Maybe that was my fatal flaw. I was so secretive and distrustful that I didn’t even want to share with my best friend…

I sat on the wall that surrounded the park. Shielding my eyes from the sun as I stared off into space. My head hurt but at least the little bit of food I had eaten had gotten rid of the feeling of nausea that had plagued me since I woke up.

I watched the people hurrying up and down the street. People just going about their own daily business. Did they go through situations like the one I found myself in now? Did they find themselves attracted to someone they knew they shouldn’t… Even why I felt like I shouldn’t be attracted to Sam was beyond me.

My physical reaction to him was undeniable. And even now that I wasn’t near him I still felt… But what was I really feeling? Lust wasn’t worth throwing my life into turmoil. I had plans… Things I needed to do and yet ever since I’d lain eyes on Sam all of that had suddenly been forgotten.

“Nat?” Rachel’s voice cut through my thoughts making me jump. She cocked her head to one side and stared at me as though I had completely lost my mind.

“What happened to you last night? You seemed to just disappear? Was it that cute guy?” Her voice had taken on its usual excited tone.

I hopped down off the wall and brushed down the back of my jeans before answering her. “Sam took me home.” Her face lit up and I could see her about to launch into some sort of a giddy tirade, no doubt berating me for not telling her the moment I woke up.

Holding my hand up I halted her before she even had the chance to get started. “Not like that… Ian spiked my drink.”

She looked at me confused, her expression a mixture of shock and hurt. “What? How? But you don’t drink.”

I nodded. “He brought me a cola and I didn’t think anything of it… Anyway he spiked my drink and then Sam took me home.”

Rachel launched herself at me, wrapping her arms tightly around my chest as she squeezed me. She hugged hard enough to crush the air from my lungs. With a half strangled laugh I extricated myself from her hold.

“It’s fine, I’m fine.” The moment the words left my mouth I had an overwhelming memory of Ian’s mouth pressing against my neck. The way his tongue slobbered across my skin. It made me shiver and I squeezed my eyes shut tight for a second. I just wanted the memories to fade and die.

“Natasha?” Her hand on my arm had me opening my eyes. I smiled at her sheepishly in an attempt to shake the look of pity from her gaze. It was one thing I didn’t want. I didn’t want her to look at me with pity. It was one emotion I loathed.

She linked her arm through mine and began to tow me across the street towards her apartment. I thought about resisting. Making up a fib and telling her I had to be somewhere else. But in the end my brain couldn’t think of anything at all and I didn’t want to turn away from my best friend.