Safe in His Arms (24 page)

want to talk to you. I want your forgiveness and I am not above begging you. You mean

that much to me.‖

Russell stepped back, gesturing for Hank to enter. Hank stopped just inside the

door, taking a deep breath. Part of Russell wanted to take Hank into his arms and make

the pain, anger and disappointment of the past weeks go away but he was still hurting.

He wasn‘t ready to forgive and forget just yet.

They moved into the living area, and Russell pointed to the chair. ―Sit,‖ he said.

While Hank obeyed, Russell sat across from him on the sofa, leaning back and crossing

his arms over his chest. He wasn‘t going to make this too easy for Hank. He‘d wait and

see where Hank thought he was going with all this.

Hank was perched nervously on the edge of his seat, his hands fidgeting in his lap.

He started to talk, cleared his throat and then jumped up, surprising Russell by

kneeling on the floor between his knees.

He looked up at Russell, his expression beseeching. ―Russell, from the moment I

met you, I did a lot of stupid things to fuck this relationship up. Not on purpose, but

because I didn‘t know how to be any different. I realize now I‘ve lived my whole life on

my terms. I never took into consideration that other people were actually
real
. I know

that sounds really strange, and I‘m not proud to admit this, but I used to think the

world existed solely for my amusement.

―Reese and I used to pick up guys, just because we could, and use them, sometimes

really messing with their lives. It was a game to us, well, really to me.‖ He hung his

head. ―I bullied Reese into going along. I got a kick out of manipulating guys into doing

humiliating things, just for the sheer, cruel pleasure of it.‖ He shook his head, looking

down with a pained sigh.

Russell touched Hank‘s shoulder and he twisted his head to kiss the top of Russell‘s

hand. Lowering his head, Hank rested his cheek a moment on Russell‘s lap, wrapping

his arms around Russell‘s thighs.

When he lifted his head, his voice had taken on a resigned tone. ―Man, you

probably hate me even more now, for admitting this shit. But I have to tell you. I have

to say it—all of it. I need you to know where I‘ve come from, so you can see how much

I‘ve changed. I don‘t want to keep anything secret anymore, Russell. Not from you.‖

Russell stroked Hank‘s hair. ―I appreciate that, Hank. I do.‖ Russell‘s voice came

out hoarse as he tried to quell his rising emotions. He cleared his throat. ―Go on. I‘m

listening.‖

Hank nodded. ―Thanks,‖ he said quietly, but then his voice took on a new resolve.

―I justified my actions because I had money, plenty of money, which would soothe the

sting of my stupid games. Most of the guys I picked were players too, but that last time,

the time I lost Reese, well, I crossed the line.‖ He stopped, shaking his head, pain still

ripe in his eyes, whether for himself or Reese, Russell wasn‘t certain. ―I chose an

innocent, a man who would end up capturing Reese‘s heart and tearing mine out in the

process.

―When you met me, I was still fucked up, but for the first time I was actually feeling

something
. It didn‘t feel good, but at least my heart, which I think has been in deepfreeze

all my life, was starting to thaw. At first I was solely focused on Reese. On what he‘d

done to
me
and how I could somehow win him back, while at the same time make him

pay. I still didn‘t totally get it that he was his own man now, following a path that no

longer had anything to do with me.‖

He smiled suddenly, though the pain remained in his dark eyes. ―Then I met you,

Russell. And you turned my whole world upside down. Or no, you turned it right side

up. You showed me what real love could be. Not love based on money or obligation,

but just on love for its sake. You
loved
me.‖ Hank‘s voice cracked. ―You loved me,

Russell. You are the first person to love me, to truly love me, not by accident of birth or

because of what I could give you in a material sense, but because of who I am.‖ He

shook his head. ―Or, I guess really you loved the potential in me. The potential I was

too dense and frightened to see.‖

Hank sighed, but continued. ―I think I had to hit rock bottom to finally wake up. I

had to lose everything that mattered to realize that it
did
matter. I‘m not talking about

the money. I‘m talking about
you
, Russell. And the really sad thing is, I didn‘t lose you,

I pushed you away. I rejected that pure, honest love you offered, thinking I could do it

better on my own.‖

Russell felt angry tears pricking his eyelids. He had loved Hank. He‘d been fool

enough to fall for a guy almost guaranteed to break his heart. Now the guy was back,

begging for absolution. Did he dare trust him again?

Russell sat forward and pushed Hank back on his heels. He stood abruptly and

turned away, afraid if he didn‘t, he‘d give in too easily. Hank was steadily chipping

away the armor of his intentions to stand firm.

Russell tried to clear his head. What was Hank really saying? Okay, so he was sorry

for how he‘d acted, he wanted Russell to understand, and he was making changes, but

where was he really going with all this? Russell refused to speculate, or to put words in

Hank‘s mouth.

He felt Hank‘s hands on his shoulders, pulling him around to face him. As he

watched, Hank dropped to his knees again, the gesture decidedly a submissive one.

Hank lowered his head and put his hands behind his back. In a quiet voice, he said,

―Please, Russell. Give me another chance. I‘m ready to do it your way. I understand

now my way doesn‘t work. Help me continue to become the man I want to be. The man

you could love again. Please, Russell.‖ Hank looked up and held out his hands. ―I‘m

ready to come home.‖

A single tear wended its way down Hank‘s cheek and with that Russell finally lost

control of the feelings he‘d held so tightly in check since the moment Hank had showed

up at his door. He reached for Hank and pulled him to his feet, his heart melting with

compassion and, yes, with love. Reaching out, he touched the tear, erasing its journey

with his thumb.

―Hank,‖ he whispered, pulling him into his arms. Hank hid his face in the crook of

Russell neck as they hugged, his arms tight around Russell‘s waist, Russell wrapping

him in a big bear hug. They rocked gently in the ancient rhythm of comfort, as Russell‘s

heart flooded with happiness.

I’m ready to come home.

The words reverberated through Russell‘s mind as they held one another. It had

been so long since Russell had felt at home, truly at home, in the arms of a lover. Not

since Mark, his old mentor, had Russell felt that sense of coming home. Mark had been

his safe place, his rock. Could Hank ever be that for him? Or was the relationship going

to remain lopsided, with Russell doing most of the giving, and Hank the taking?

Yet he loved Hank. He loved the sweet, open way Hank had come to trust him in

their D/s explorations. He loved the shiny joy Hank took in surprising him with little

gifts and the almost childlike pride he took when he tried to cook something special just

for Russell. After that first fiasco with the steak, Hank had continued to try, even

making a cake that, while lopsided, had tasted just fine.

Russell had come to recognize the strength beneath Hank‘s swagger, and the

longing for connection he‘d sensed when Hank managed to put aside the arrogance he

wore like a mask.

He‘d been bereft in Hank‘s absence, unwilling to move on. He had been, he realized

now, waiting. Waiting for Hank to come home. And now here he was, pleading for

another chance. Surely Russell owed it to him, to them both, to try again?

When they stepped apart, Russell noticed the bruising on Hank‘s left temple. ―What

happened to you?‖ He reached for the spot, lightly touching it with his fingers. It

wasn‘t new, but it looked like it had been pretty bad. ―Were you in a fight?‖

Hank stepped back, shaking his head. ―No. Worse than that.‖ He shoved his hands

into his pockets, looking down.

Gently Russell took Hank‘s chin in his hand, forcing him to look up. He searched

the deep brown eyes but saw no guile. The arrogant mask had finally been laid aside,

revealing the real man beneath. Hank looked wiped out. Russell understood how

draining his asking for forgiveness must have been for a man like Hank. ―Come sit

down,‖ he offered. ―We can talk some more over a beer.‖

Hank followed Russell into the kitchen. ―This new ale we‘ve been working on came

out great. We‘re going to premier it at the Beer Fest next month.‖

To his surprise, Hank replied, ―No thanks. Not for me.‖

Russell frowned, not especially eager for Hank to get drunk, not tonight. Still, he

offered, ―You want something stronger? I think that bottle of vodka you brought is still

around.‖

―No.‖ Hank sat at the table. ―I‘m laying off the booze for a while.‖ He touched the

fading bruise at his temple. ―That‘s how I got this. Polished off a quart of vodka and

then decided in my brilliance to get behind the wheel. Woke up in an ambulance.

Apparently I‘d wrapped my Porsche around a tree. I guess you could say it was kind of

a wakeup call. That, and being arrested for DUI. Thank god I didn‘t hurt anyone but

myself. And the Porsche,‖ he added with a rueful laugh.

―Oh my god,‖ Russell breathed. ―You didn‘t call me? Hank, why didn‘t you call

me?‖ He sat heavily beside Hank, the enormity of what might have been hitting him

like a ton of bricks.

Hank looked down at the table. ―I was ashamed.‖ He blew out a breath. ―I didn‘t

want you to know how low I‘d sunk. When I walked out of here, I didn‘t see that there

were options. I didn‘t hear what you‘d been trying to say to me. All I heard was that I

wasn‘t good enough for you, and never would be. Instead of working to make any

changes in my life, I decided to drink myself to death instead. Or rather, it wasn‘t really

a conscious decision. I think I just wanted to be numb—to feel nothing instead of the

ragged pain I felt every time I thought of you and what I‘d lost.‖

―Hank.‖ Russell put his hand over Hank‘s on the table, gently squeezing. ―I‘ve

missed you so much. But I knew you had to do it on your own. If I‘d had any idea

you‘d been in an accident—‖

―I‘m okay, really. I was incredibly lucky. They only kept me overnight.‖

―How did you get home?‖

Hank looked up. ―Reese. Reese Armstrong came to the hospital that night and

picked me up at the courthouse the next day,‖ he added in a whisper.

―Really?‖ Russell experienced a sudden, sharp prick of jealousy. ―You called him?‖

―No. I carry a card in my wallet that listed him as next of kin. I‘d completely

forgotten that was in there. He…‖ Hank paused, then continued. ―He really helped me

get my head on straight. I made amends, Russell. Like you said. I apologized to him for

all the crap I put him through.‖

―How‘d he take it?‖

Hank snorted. ―He nearly fell out of his seat. Said he never thought he‘d see the day

when I said I was sorry for anything. But I think he kind of…‖ Hank trailed off, before

adding softly, ―forgave me.‖

―Man, I was a real asshole, Russell. An arrogant, entitled, selfish son of a bitch.‖ He

took a breath, adding, ―I‘ve been going to AA. The judge ordered it for ninety days, but

I think I might keep going. It‘s, how do I say this—it‘s helping me realize I‘m not alone,

Russell. Even if you and I don‘t work out,‖ Hank‘s voice cracked, and he pushed his

hands through his hair, rubbing his face wearily.

But when he looked up, there was a resolve, a new strength in his face Russell

hadn‘t seen before. ―Even if you can‘t find it in your heart to take me back, I‘m ready

now, for the first time in my life, to admit I don‘t control it all, and I don‘t have all the

answers. I‘m ready to do what it takes to, well, to grow up, and to reclaim my life, or

what‘s left of it.‖

He smiled suddenly, and Russell smiled back. ―Jesus, Russ, how did you ever put

up with me for one second?‖

―Because I could see what was underneath, Hank. I knew you were worth it, if

you‘d just give yourself a chance.‖

Hank smiled gratefully, some of the pain easing from his features. ―Thank you,‖ he

said softly. ―Thanks for having the faith in me that I didn‘t have in myself.‖

As if by some silent agreement, both men stood from the table, moving into each

other‘s arms. Their lips met, the kiss quickly moving from gentle to heated as their

hands eagerly roamed each other‘s bodies.

They clung furiously together, moving in a kind of dance over the floor as Russell

maneuvered Hank to the wall. The urge to reclaim his lover surged through him like an

elixir, fueling his lust. He forced his tongue deep into Hank‘s mouth as he slammed him