SafetyInNumbers-Final (14 page)

“Like a million times better.” Billy’s dark gaze searched his and Liam knew they were both different now. Whatever came next, they would face it together. He would never have to pretend to be happy or strong again, because Billy made both those things a reality. Chris knew he’d been bluffing his way through and tried so hard to hold him together, then he freed him so he could have this chance at a future without the past holding him back. Billy smiled down at him and he could almost believe that Billy was reading his mind. “Ready?”

“So ready.” For this moment and every one that followed.

That was his only warning before Billy took his mouth in another bruising kiss. He just wrapped his arms and legs around his scruffy bear, and held on for the ride. With his senses overdosing on all things Billy, he was beyond thoughts or words, he was just one big ball of feeling. Billy was right there with him, conveying his own feelings with every kiss and the hard pounding thrust of his body. Then they were coming together in a blinding pulse that grew until it couldn’t possibly be contained. Billy shifted and that pulse exploded like a bomb, incinerating both of them.

When a few brain cells fired up again, he was snug in Billy’s arms. “Still just good?” Billy teased as he pulled the blanket over them.

“It was fucking phenomenal,” Liam promised, and even that might not be sufficient.

Billy’s grin was all well-deserved smug satisfaction. “Whew, I was worried that you were gonna make me do it again and again until I got it right.”

Oh they’d definitely be doing it again. Forever. “A wise man told me that practice is half the fun.”

“He sounds really smart.” Billy leaned over and kissed him languidly. They were both drained and he just wanted to rest in their little cocoon until they both had the energy for round two.

“Of course he is. He picked me, didn’t he?” The last thing he saw before he fell asleep was Billy’s happy smile and Liam knew it was the last thing he wanted to see every night.

Chapter 12

Owen

“I can’t look at it any longer.” Colin stretched and let out a groan. For the last four hours, they’d been pouring over their presentation for an office remodel and it was their best one yet. The logical side of his brain said that if they played with it any more they’d just fuck it up, but fucking up was what worried him the most. Alaric had recommended them to one of his friends and it would be their highest profile job to date if they got it, but having Alaric give that recommendation only added to the pressure. “Owen, it’s the most amazing presentation we’ve ever done, but it’s going to suck if we’re too exhausted to give it.”

That was logical too, he just wasn’t sure he’d be able to turn off all those worries long enough to sleep and there was never a guarantee that he’d stay asleep no matter how tired he was. Neither of which were Colin’s problem. The man looked exhausted and Owen realized he was keeping him up on one of the few nights he took off. His business partner worked twelve hour days on site, stopped long enough to shower and eat, and then often hustled right back out the door to bounce at one of several clubs downtown. They’d been working together for a few years and he still didn’t know what drove Colin.

One of the reasons they got on so well was their mutual desire not to rehash the past. When the other guys were having their revelations and coming to terms with their shit, he and Colin were commiserating over how painful it appeared to be. It hurt bad enough the first time around. Who would willingly sign up to relive it?

“You’re right.” Owen started gathering up the printouts and organizing them into neat packets. “Go on, get up there. Last thing I need is cranky Colin in the morning.”

“Yeah, because you’re a ray of fucking sunshine when you don’t sleep, prickly porcupine.” Colin stood and looked down at him warily. “Promise me you’re not going to sit here all night.”

“I promise,” Owen said dutifully and met Colin’s gaze to prove he meant it. He fully intended to try to sleep, even if he had to detour to the gym first. “Seriously, I’m as beat as you.”

Colin gave him one last look before walking away and Owen listened until his footsteps faded. It was already after midnight, so it was right that the rest of the house was quiet, but the sudden silence made him uneasy. Why hadn’t he just grabbed the papers and walked with Colin? Now he’d have to shut the kitchen light and go down the dark hallway toward the stairs alone. There was always a dim light over the wide staircase and it should be bright enough for him to see as he moved toward it, but if he accidentally looked back...no, he just wouldn’t look back. He would just have to do it fast. Grab the messenger bag, run toward the hall, hit the switch on the way, and not stop until he was at the stairs. Ten seconds, maybe fifteen, was doable. Yes, totally doable if he stuck to the plan.

Focusing on that, he finished organizing their work, loaded it all into his bag and fastened it shut with a decisive click. He even stood, slipped the bag over his shoulder, and took a step away from the table. A sound outside made him freeze. Was that the gate? He tilted his head, listening for any noise. If it were real, Lola would be barking her head off.

Of course she would and if he called her to him, she could walk with him down the hall. “Lola?”

He listened, but didn’t hear her coming. Another sound outside made him jump and kick the chair, its loud scrape on the tile floor nearly stopping his heart. Fuck, he needed to get a handle on this. “Lola?”

When she still didn’t come, he figured she was probably upstairs with Jacky. It sucked, but he couldn’t be mad. Jacky needed her more than he did. He just had to think logically and he’d get through this. Logic said even if the dog was upstairs, she would still be barking if someone was too close to the property. Which meant whatever he heard was farther away than he thought or in his head. It could definitely be in his head.

If either of those things were true, then he had nothing to fear. All he had to do was make his feet move and it could be over in less time than it was taking to psyche himself up. He would probably already be at the stairs if he wasn’t such a chicken shit. Yet, no matter how much logic he tried, he remained rooted to the kitchen floor.

That’s how Chris found him a half hour later, his bare feet making no sound as he came to stand in the doorway. Owen had never been more relieved or more embarrassed in his whole life. “Uh, hey, uh, what are you doing up?”

Embarrassment aside, Chris was there and all Owen had to do was cross the room, then they could walk upstairs together. Only his feet wouldn’t move and Chris was too perceptive not to see that he was quite literally frozen in place. “Why didn’t you call me?”

There was no way he was going to admit to needing help for something as juvenile as being afraid of the dark. “For what? I was just going over the presentation for tomorrow.”

“Alone? I heard Colin come up a half hour ago.” Chris came around the table and stepped right into his space. The fear subsided instantly, leaving him feeling weaker in its absence. “I’ve been waiting for you to come up.”

Owen didn’t quite understand what that meant. It had been a week since their date with the kids and nothing had really changed. He still went to sleep alone every night wishing with all his might that he wasn’t. The only thing that changed was that when he woke up from a nightmare, Chris was there to hold him. Was Chris saying he’d been waiting for Owen to come to him or just waiting to hear him pass on the way to his own room? Not knowing was what kept him from just going to Chris first instead of continuing the routine that was wearing on them both.

“I can’t help if you won’t tell me what’s really going on,” Chris said when he didn’t respond.

As logical as that sounded, it was exactly what he didn’t want to do. If he opened that can of worms, Owen didn’t know what would pop out. It didn’t matter that their friends were better for purging their demons, his never needed to see the light of day. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Yeah, Colin went up a little while ago, but I took a few extra minutes to get this shit organized. Red’s OCD is wearing off on me. I can’t stand when my files are mixed up. That’s all. I was just coming up.”

“Really?” Chris didn’t look convinced, but he stepped back. With each step away, more of the fear seeped back in and it was all Owen could do not to grab him with both trembling hands. “Okay, I guess it was my mistake.”

Owen watched Chris’s retreating back and wondered what the hell he was doing. Chris had come for him, had been coming for him ever since his stupid stunt in the gym. Hell, Chris had flat out declared that he wanted a future with him. Did he really have to admit to being afraid of the dark to get that? Why the hell did they all think this was so healthy? All it made him want to do was throw up.

“G’night, Owen,” Chris called back, his voice sounding too far away and Owen realized he already made it to the stairs. What’d that take, five seconds? He was a total loser who couldn’t walk five seconds in the dark.

“Wait! Just...please don’t leave me here.” He didn’t know where the plea came from, but the wave of nausea that followed was too familiar.
How pathetic can you be?
“Chris…”

He lunged for the garbage pail, but his hands were trembling so bad that he couldn’t get the lid off. Then Chris was ripping the lid off and pushing his head down, saving him the indignity of vomiting all over the floor. A soothing hand stroked his back, and when there was nothing left, a warm cloth was there to clean him up. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him and nearly brought him to tears.

Chris eased him into the chair and knelt before him. “We’re going to talk about this.”

It was too much to hope that they could pretend it didn’t happen, so he just nodded. Chris took that as confirmation and told him to stay put while he disposed of the evidence. Would he be sentencing Chris to a lifetime of cleaning up after him if they got together?

Before he could go too far down that path, Chris was back with a hand on his elbow. “Come on, let’s go clean you up.”

He wanted to argue that he was perfectly capable of cleaning up his own damn puke off his own damn clothes, but the fear that Chris would leave him standing in the kitchen again got his feet moving. With that big body at his side, he didn’t give a second thought when the kitchen went dark, didn’t hear any weird noises or look back to see if he was being followed. He just kept marching forward until they were at his door. Twenty years later, he was still the scared little baby who needed someone bigger and stronger to fight his battles.

Recognizing that didn’t stop him from following Chris’s lead until he found himself in the bathroom. “Wait, we’ll wake up Billy if we turn on the shower.”

Chris just shook his head and kept on task. “Billy’s down in Liam’s room.”

Of course he should have realized that. He was happy for them and Billy looked like he finally found some peace, which Owen always hoped for. His friend didn’t think very highly of himself and rarely thought he was worthy of anything, but Owen saw different and he knew Liam did too.

When the water temperature was right, Chris turned and looked him over. “Do you need help?”

Yes. A million, trillion times, yes.
“No. No, just take this. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

What the hell was he saying? Something was definitely wrong with the receptors between his brain and his mouth. Chris’s frown darkened, but he took the messenger bag and left him to it. Didn’t he see that Owen didn’t mean it?

“Stop thinking and get in the shower.” Chris’s voice sounded right behind him and he realized that that the door was still open.

“Uh, are you going to watch?” When had he become shy?

“Not if it bothers you.” Chris looked as confused by his words as he was. He was definitely malfunctioning in a huge way. “Owen?”

“I don’t want you to ask.” There, that was it exactly. Why couldn’t Chris just do what he had to know they both wanted and stop asking him to make decisions? If he were any good at making decisions, they wouldn’t be having this twisted, illogical conversation.

Chris looked at him for a good long while, probably long enough for the water to get cold, before he stepped forward. “What if it were Saul or Billy standing here, would you want them to ask?”

“Of course!” Owen might want the control, but he wasn’t willing to just give it up to anyone. Only Chris. Even when Billy helped him get through prison, he’d consciously followed his lead because he wanted to survive, not because he wanted Billy to control him.

“And you think that should have been obvious because?” Now they were toe to toe and he could see the expectation in Chris’s face. Expectation of what, Owen didn’t know. “I’m not a mind reader and you’re not exactly making sense.”

“I wish I could explain it better, but the words that are coming out of my mouth aren’t the words in my head.” He just wanted to bury his face in Chris’s neck and hide, but he was currently covered in his own fear. “Am I going crazy?”

“I think you’re exhausted.” Chris sighed and kissed the top of his head. “And whether you think you meant it or not, you said no. No isn’t really yes because I think I know better or you looked confused or whatever other stupid reason people have for not respecting each other’s boundaries. Consent isn’t a blurry area for me.” Before he could argue, Chris walked backward until he was looking in from the bedroom. “Please, just take a shower. You’ll feel better.”